My fiance's sister has a cognitive disability that puts her mental age at about 8-9 years old. I would love to include her in the wedding somehow and originally had thought to have her as a bridesmaid. However, since then some complications have come up:
For reasons beyond our control (space etc.) the parties are capped at 3 attendants each. When I originally thought to have my FSIL as a bridesmaid, I only had two other friends that I wanted to ask. Since that time I've moved and reconnected with a great friend of mine (we've know each other since we were children) who's simply been a star, helping me with everything. I've since asked her to be a bridesmaid.
I have not yet asked my FSIL but I have talked to my fiance about it. He is the kindest man in the world and wants our wedding to be perfect for both of us, so if I told him I wanted my three girlfriends he would be fine with that. However, I know he really wants his sister involved and she would be over the moon.
How else can I include her? Because of her limitations, doing a reading or acting as hostess is not a possibility.
Or do I un-ask one of my girlfriends? One of the girls is incredibly easy going and would totally understand but the truth of the matter is I want her there. I had some serious health problems a few years ago and my three friends were there day and night, pulling me through.
Can she be an honorary attendant? Someone who does not stand up with you, but has other roles to help you ... maybe she looks after the guest book, and gets a bouquet or corsage.
I would not un-ask someone, but consider non-traditional attendant roles that she can participate in.
The venue is not going to say anything if you have a 4th attendant. I would just ask her and then on the day of the wedding, the bridesmaids will just stand closer together if space was the issue. If they say anything to you (which i highly doubt they will), you should explain why you included her. My motto is it's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. Hope you work it out, TapWater. (funny name, by the way!)
Let's be honest.....no one wants guestbook duty. I think dumpling has a great suggestion. I am a social worker who works with adults with developmntal disabilities, and I know all of my clients love to be involved with their families. If you absolutely cannot have her be an attendant, you could make a thing of having her walked down the aisle by an usher during the processional (just like moms and grandmas often are)....heck, her brother/your fiance could even walk her and it would show how absolutely special she is to you both. Good luck, and thanks for including her in your day. For me, it means so much!
Thanks for the advice! Honorary attendant is one of the best things I've heard in a while! I know she'd be thrilled having her own boquet, having something that is special for her to do...
Unfortunatley it's more than space capping it at three. There's a bunch of silly groomsmen drama that I'm not even going to get into, so we're being incredibly firm about the '3 attendants ONLY!' rule. I wish it were only the venue :)
I've been to lots of weddings where the bridesmaids and groomsmen didn't match in number, so that might be a possibility too. That's really up to how you feel about that though.
At my mom's wedding, she had her new grand daughters as flower girls. They were 5 and 7 at the time which is older than most flower girls and ring bearers. The 7 year old is autistic and so walking up the aisle and then sitting down for the rest of the ceremony was perfect for her. If you were up for it, being a flower girl/woman would be great for a girl with the cognitive age of 8 or 9. She would feel like a princess. There are lots of little jobs she could do such as being in charge or adjusting your train or holding your bouquet during the ceremony. I think it would be enough just to include her, even if it isn't as a bridesmaid.
Although I agree with jeeyol's sentiments, you want to be careful not to give her what is tradtionally a child's role just because her mental age is young, you know? You'd need to feel that out with your FI and FILs (and FSIL, of course). I like the idea of an honor attendant - give her a corsage, include her in some bridal party photos, let her help you with your train, etc.
I considered the flower 'girl' role a little bit but as she's in her 20's it would be pretty patronizing. I'm really liking the idea of an honour attendant. That way she can feel included but also doesn't have to go through hours of pictures, sitting still at the head table etc...
I've actually heard of the honorary bridesmaid role before, apparently its popular with weddings where the bride has many many more friends than she can have bridesmaids, so she appoints the ones that didn't "make the cut" to be honorary bridesmaids. They get corsages, and probably special mention somewhere, but don't stand up or wear matching dresses, etc. If you don't want to completely single her out, you could appoint another friend or two as an honorary bridesmaid as well, so she wasn't the only one. I think it's so sweet that you are doing this!
I didn't mean to suggest you give her the role that no one wants (by giving her guest book duty). Give her a role that SHE wants. I do know a young man who is thrilled to have the responsibility of guest book duty, but he may be the exception.
I like the idea of having her escorted the way mothers and grandmothers are, to signify the importance of the woman. Standing at the front as a bridesmaid, standing in all the pictures, etc might be hard on her - as you mentioned. However, she could certainly be an honorary bridesmaid, and sit with the head table.
I'm sure you will give your FSIL a role she will feel proud to do. Even if her cognitive ability is 8 or 9, could you ask her how she'd like to participate as an honorary bridesmaid? Or give her a couple choices for her role, and let her choose? That way she picks something she wants to do.
You are demonstrating such love to include her in your wedding, Tapwater.
I didn't mean to suggest you give her the role that no one wants (by giving her guest book duty). Give her a role that SHE wants. I do know a young man who is thrilled to have the responsibility of guest book duty, but he may be the exception.
I like the idea of having her escorted the way mothers and grandmothers are, to signify the importance of the woman. Standing at the front as a bridesmaid, standing in all the pictures, etc might be hard on her - as you mentioned. However, she could certainly be an honorary bridesmaid, and sit with the head table.
I'm sure you will give your FSIL a role she will feel proud to do. Even if her cognitive ability is 8 or 9, could you ask her how she'd like to participate as an honorary bridesmaid? Or give her a couple choices for her role, and let her choose? That way she picks something she wants to do.
You are demonstrating such love to include her in your wedding, Tapwater.
Are you having a religious ceremony, or including any rituals she could participate in? For example, in Catholic weddings where Communion is offered, special people bring up the unblessed bread and wine to the priest, and sometimes someone special carries the Gospel into the church with the priest. If you're having a unity candle, maybe she could carry that in (unlit) and set it on a table...same with a sand ceremony or other types of rituals that require accessories. That way the role isn't explicitly the type usually carried out by children (ring bearer/flower girl) but it doesn't interfere with your limit on attendants. Or, what about passing out programs? My 14 year old brother was happy to help with that at my wedding, though he's a pretty good natured kid. Whatever you decide, make sure she gets a special dress (even if it doesn't match the the bridesmaids) and some flowers to carry or for her hair, and I'm sure she'll be thrilled to be part of this special day.
I also don't agree that "nobody wants" guestbook duty. My stepdaughter shared that duty with a good friend of mine, and had a blast. She got to meet and greet everyone. We had the guestbook at one end of the gift table, and so a couple of other close friends were right there as well, organizing and taping cards to the gifts. If your FSIL is socially inclined, it might be a lot of fun for her - and you could get her a nice corsage. I think that for most people, a job as the sole guest book attendant could be tedious or even a little stressful, but if you set things up so there is a group of people there, it can be quite fun.
I like the suggestions of having her escorted down the aisle like the moms would be to show her importance. I know my cousin asked one of our younger male cousins if he wanted to be in her wedding but he didn't want to go through it all. He just wanted to be a guest, which turned into Best Guest. It was pretty funny she even found a shirt online for him to wear to the rehersal. Maybe you could do something like that. Even mentioning her in the program if you are going to have one. If you are doing a unity candle maybe she can go up with his mom or be involved in the ceremony in some other fashion.
I didn't read all the comments - but a friend of mine has a similar situation. She had her sister as the flower girl. Yes she was an older flower girl (early 30's) - but she was beautiful and it was a great way to include her in the wedding.
My favorite idea from the other commentors would be to have her be an honorary BM, she gets to wear the dress and have flowers, and that you husband (her brother) walks her down the aisle. She can be seated during the ceremony. Anyway, you will figure it out.
I'm really liking the idea of the honorary bridesmaid. We having an outdoor ceremony so there's not a lot of ceremonial stuff she could help with (believe me, I've wracked my brain!) Also, she's 22 and very sensitive about being treated like a child, so the flower girl role is out.She would very much want a 'grown up' role.
Do outdoor ceremonies normally have programs? I hadn't thought to have them before, but I feel this is a job she might really enjoy....getting to hold a pretty basket etc. What goes on them?
I'm having an outdoor ceremony and putting everything on the program that I'd put on one if we were getting married indoors: bridal party members, order of the ceremony, names of songs being played, directions to the reception (if applicable), etc., etc. If your FSIL is a particularly social person, she might really enjoy getting to greet everyone and hand the programs out, as long as you don't think she'd object to missing out on the last minute pre-wedding prep.
My fiance's sister has a cognitive disability that puts her mental age at about 8-9 years old. I would love to include her in the wedding somehow and originally had thought to have her as a bridesmaid. However, since then some complications have come up:
For reasons beyond our control (space etc.) the parties are capped at 3 attendants each. When I originally thought to have my FSIL as a bridesmaid, I only had two other friends that I wanted to ask. Since that time I've moved and reconnected with a great friend of mine (we've know each other since we were children) who's simply been a star, helping me with everything. I've since asked her to be a bridesmaid.
I have not yet asked my FSIL but I have talked to my fiance about it. He is the kindest man in the world and wants our wedding to be perfect for both of us, so if I told him I wanted my three girlfriends he would be fine with that. However, I know he really wants his sister involved and she would be over the moon.
How else can I include her? Because of her limitations, doing a reading or acting as hostess is not a possibility.
Or do I un-ask one of my girlfriends? One of the girls is incredibly easy going and would totally understand but the truth of the matter is I want her there. I had some serious health problems a few years ago and my three friends were there day and night, pulling me through.
I'm at a loss.
posted by TapWater 5 posts 1 month agoCan she be an honorary attendant? Someone who does not stand up with you, but has other roles to help you ... maybe she looks after the guest book, and gets a bouquet or corsage.
I would not un-ask someone, but consider non-traditional attendant roles that she can participate in.
posted by Krista 102 posts 1 month agoThe venue is not going to say anything if you have a 4th attendant. I would just ask her and then on the day of the wedding, the bridesmaids will just stand closer together if space was the issue. If they say anything to you (which i highly doubt they will), you should explain why you included her. My motto is it's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission. Hope you work it out, TapWater. (funny name, by the way!)
posted by dumpling 20 posts 1 month agoLet's be honest.....no one wants guestbook duty. I think dumpling has a great suggestion. I am a social worker who works with adults with developmntal disabilities, and I know all of my clients love to be involved with their families. If you absolutely cannot have her be an attendant, you could make a thing of having her walked down the aisle by an usher during the processional (just like moms and grandmas often are)....heck, her brother/your fiance could even walk her and it would show how absolutely special she is to you both. Good luck, and thanks for including her in your day. For me, it means so much!
posted by gracielou 90 posts 1 month agoThanks for the advice! Honorary attendant is one of the best things I've heard in a while! I know she'd be thrilled having her own boquet, having something that is special for her to do...
Unfortunatley it's more than space capping it at three. There's a bunch of silly groomsmen drama that I'm not even going to get into, so we're being incredibly firm about the '3 attendants ONLY!' rule. I wish it were only the venue :)
Cheers!
posted by TapWater 5 posts 1 month agoI've been to lots of weddings where the bridesmaids and groomsmen didn't match in number, so that might be a possibility too. That's really up to how you feel about that though.
posted by gracielou 90 posts 1 month agofriends come and go
but family is forever. I'd include her.
posted by beesknees 274 posts 1 month agoAt my mom's wedding, she had her new grand daughters as flower girls. They were 5 and 7 at the time which is older than most flower girls and ring bearers. The 7 year old is autistic and so walking up the aisle and then sitting down for the rest of the ceremony was perfect for her. If you were up for it, being a flower girl/woman would be great for a girl with the cognitive age of 8 or 9. She would feel like a princess. There are lots of little jobs she could do such as being in charge or adjusting your train or holding your bouquet during the ceremony. I think it would be enough just to include her, even if it isn't as a bridesmaid.
posted by jeeyol 88 posts 1 month agoAlthough I agree with jeeyol's sentiments, you want to be careful not to give her what is tradtionally a child's role just because her mental age is young, you know? You'd need to feel that out with your FI and FILs (and FSIL, of course). I like the idea of an honor attendant - give her a corsage, include her in some bridal party photos, let her help you with your train, etc.
posted by amysue 641 posts 1 month agoI considered the flower 'girl' role a little bit but as she's in her 20's it would be pretty patronizing. I'm really liking the idea of an honour attendant. That way she can feel included but also doesn't have to go through hours of pictures, sitting still at the head table etc...
posted by TapWater 5 posts 1 month agoI've actually heard of the honorary bridesmaid role before, apparently its popular with weddings where the bride has many many more friends than she can have bridesmaids, so she appoints the ones that didn't "make the cut" to be honorary bridesmaids. They get corsages, and probably special mention somewhere, but don't stand up or wear matching dresses, etc. If you don't want to completely single her out, you could appoint another friend or two as an honorary bridesmaid as well, so she wasn't the only one. I think it's so sweet that you are doing this!
posted by blushingaudrey 94 posts 1 month agoI didn't mean to suggest you give her the role that no one wants (by giving her guest book duty). Give her a role that SHE wants. I do know a young man who is thrilled to have the responsibility of guest book duty, but he may be the exception.
I like the idea of having her escorted the way mothers and grandmothers are, to signify the importance of the woman. Standing at the front as a bridesmaid, standing in all the pictures, etc might be hard on her - as you mentioned. However, she could certainly be an honorary bridesmaid, and sit with the head table.
I'm sure you will give your FSIL a role she will feel proud to do. Even if her cognitive ability is 8 or 9, could you ask her how she'd like to participate as an honorary bridesmaid? Or give her a couple choices for her role, and let her choose? That way she picks something she wants to do.
You are demonstrating such love to include her in your wedding, Tapwater.
posted by Krista 102 posts 1 month agoI didn't mean to suggest you give her the role that no one wants (by giving her guest book duty). Give her a role that SHE wants. I do know a young man who is thrilled to have the responsibility of guest book duty, but he may be the exception.
I like the idea of having her escorted the way mothers and grandmothers are, to signify the importance of the woman. Standing at the front as a bridesmaid, standing in all the pictures, etc might be hard on her - as you mentioned. However, she could certainly be an honorary bridesmaid, and sit with the head table.
I'm sure you will give your FSIL a role she will feel proud to do. Even if her cognitive ability is 8 or 9, could you ask her how she'd like to participate as an honorary bridesmaid? Or give her a couple choices for her role, and let her choose? That way she picks something she wants to do.
You are demonstrating such love to include her in your wedding, Tapwater.
posted by Krista 102 posts 1 month agoAre you having a religious ceremony, or including any rituals she could participate in? For example, in Catholic weddings where Communion is offered, special people bring up the unblessed bread and wine to the priest, and sometimes someone special carries the Gospel into the church with the priest. If you're having a unity candle, maybe she could carry that in (unlit) and set it on a table...same with a sand ceremony or other types of rituals that require accessories. That way the role isn't explicitly the type usually carried out by children (ring bearer/flower girl) but it doesn't interfere with your limit on attendants. Or, what about passing out programs? My 14 year old brother was happy to help with that at my wedding, though he's a pretty good natured kid. Whatever you decide, make sure she gets a special dress (even if it doesn't match the the bridesmaids) and some flowers to carry or for her hair, and I'm sure she'll be thrilled to be part of this special day.
posted by MissPearls 42 posts 1 month agoI also don't agree that "nobody wants" guestbook duty. My stepdaughter shared that duty with a good friend of mine, and had a blast. She got to meet and greet everyone. We had the guestbook at one end of the gift table, and so a couple of other close friends were right there as well, organizing and taping cards to the gifts. If your FSIL is socially inclined, it might be a lot of fun for her - and you could get her a nice corsage. I think that for most people, a job as the sole guest book attendant could be tedious or even a little stressful, but if you set things up so there is a group of people there, it can be quite fun.
posted by suzanno 1,981 posts 1 month agoI like the suggestions of having her escorted down the aisle like the moms would be to show her importance. I know my cousin asked one of our younger male cousins if he wanted to be in her wedding but he didn't want to go through it all. He just wanted to be a guest, which turned into Best Guest. It was pretty funny she even found a shirt online for him to wear to the rehersal. Maybe you could do something like that. Even mentioning her in the program if you are going to have one. If you are doing a unity candle maybe she can go up with his mom or be involved in the ceremony in some other fashion.
posted by jennred782 42 posts 1 month agoI didn't read all the comments - but a friend of mine has a similar situation. She had her sister as the flower girl. Yes she was an older flower girl (early 30's) - but she was beautiful and it was a great way to include her in the wedding.
posted by jilian 175 posts 1 month agoMy favorite idea from the other commentors would be to have her be an honorary BM, she gets to wear the dress and have flowers, and that you husband (her brother) walks her down the aisle. She can be seated during the ceremony. Anyway, you will figure it out.
posted by DrB 107 posts 1 month agoI'm really liking the idea of the honorary bridesmaid. We having an outdoor ceremony so there's not a lot of ceremonial stuff she could help with (believe me, I've wracked my brain!) Also, she's 22 and very sensitive about being treated like a child, so the flower girl role is out.She would very much want a 'grown up' role.
Do outdoor ceremonies normally have programs? I hadn't thought to have them before, but I feel this is a job she might really enjoy....getting to hold a pretty basket etc. What goes on them?
posted by TapWater 5 posts 1 month agoI'm having an outdoor ceremony and putting everything on the program that I'd put on one if we were getting married indoors: bridal party members, order of the ceremony, names of songs being played, directions to the reception (if applicable), etc., etc. If your FSIL is a particularly social person, she might really enjoy getting to greet everyone and hand the programs out, as long as you don't think she'd object to missing out on the last minute pre-wedding prep.
posted by amysue 641 posts 1 month ago