Messed up engagement and wedding

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee

You need to stop blaming yourself and you both need to focus on your marriage. The wedding itself is not the issue.

You told her you weren’t ready, and neither of you were – if she believed that getting married will make you want to be married, then she has a lot to learn too.  Do you guys have unsettled family drama that needs to be addressed? It sounds like you think your families aren’t happy for you. Have you spoken with them about this since the wedding? Have you confronted and resolved all of the issues?

You could re-propose and plan a big vow renewal and party once everything has settled so you can celebrate with your families if that would make her happy…but I’d spend that money on counseling so you can move past the wedding and onto building a marriage that will last.

Member
4867 posts
Honey bee

Well, whenever brides come on here complaining about their wedding that is years past and feeling like they were robbed because of a situation like this (which IMO you, not her, were in the right about), I pretty much tell them in nicer words that they need to get over it, stop torturing their poor guy over something he can’t change, and focus on their marriage.

But if you want to do something special for her, how about taking her on a vacay to somewhere tropical and having a private vow renewal on the beach? If that’s not enough for her…then I think maybe you two should consider counseling, because if it’s been years and she is so fixated on this one day that she cries instead of being happy for them when other people get married, I think you really need help from an outside source in getting her to realize that her current behavior, not the wedding, is going to end up being what hurts your marriage. I know you said you two tried it before and it helped, but clearly you quit going too soon if she can’t muster up any excitement rather than anger over other people’s weddings. No wedding is really perfect or a fairytale, and it sounds like her family is the ones who were being judgemental and causing the issues the day of anyways, so if she should’ve been angry with anyone it would be them – but she should really be way past that at this point. Your wedding day wasn’t perfect. Pretty much no one’s is, but people choose to focus on the good – mainly the important part, that the two of you were married!

Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Do a five year destination vow renewal!

Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

What is SHE doing to help fix this? It sounds to me like she has/had totally unrealistic expectations of your wedding or marriage. If you weren’t ready then she should have accepted that and waited if the two of you were meant to be together. Honestly she sounds very selfish…only thinking about what she lost and putting all that blame on you.

Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, it’s just one day out of your whole lives. Not everyone’s wedding day is perfect, and in fact a lot of peopleare too crazy busy to even remember most of what happened on the day. 

IMO, she had an unrealistic expectation of what a wedding day was supposed to be, and she isn’t focusing on what matters – the marriage. If you’re going to livetthe rest of your life being told you ruined her wedding, what a sad life. 

Plan a vow renewal at 5-10 years, but honestly there’s no way to “fix” a day that’s already happened. It’s done. Move on, focus on the marriage.

Member
27743 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@Ellegee:  I totally agree with this as well!

@Gabiel:  Big big hugs to you and your wife. I’m sorry that she’s feeling this way!

Member
223 posts
Helper bee

I do not think you did anything wrong. I feel she was wrong for forcing you to get engaged the first time, when you weren’t ready. I feel like she is the cause for all the drama and all the pain. No one should get married before they are ready, for any reason.

Anyway. Someone already suggested it, but I will second the romatic vacation with a possible vow renewal. If she can’t appreciate that, then there is really nothing else you can do, but wait for her to grow up and get over it. 

Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

She sounds very immature and more interested in a wedding than a marriage. She needs to grow up and get over it – it was 3 years ago for god’s sake!

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