Post # 1
Sorry for the long and messy rant but here goes…
I was dating a guy that I was in love with. He was always telling me we were going to get married soon, etc… Then in Jan. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage soon after I found out. I was devestated but scared to tell him, as he was planning in going into the military and I was scared this would somehow ruin his dreams. He broke up with me a month later because we had been fighting alot.
Two days later he had a new girl. We started talking in June again, and we ended up sleeping together since I was being an idiot and hoped this would make him want me back. I told him about the miscarriage and his words were “you need to get over it”. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant again, and he got his current f*ck buddy to call me and talk with him about what a wh*ore I was, etc… even though I had only slept with him. He told me to go kill myself and he wanted nothing to do with this. I had grown up without a father, and was scared so I decided to take the abortion pill (by the way…dont turn this into a pro-life, non-pro life discussion. I believe everyone has the right to do what they want, but I just never wanted to have an abortion). This was like a repeat of my miscarriage symptoms and I wanted to die. I became suicidal and tried to take my own like numerous times but never succeeded. Now i found out my ex was telling people I was suicidal and laughing about it. He literatley does not care about the loss of either of the children even though they were his and thinks Im a useless piece of trash. He told a mutal friend of ours he wishes I had killed myself because he would never have had to deal with me again.
Its been about 11 months now. I met an amazing man who I am engaged to, I am a professional model, I am about to become a published author and I have so much in my life to be thankful for. But everytime I see children or am reminded by this, I break down and have extremem anxiety. I don’t love my ex anymore or wish he would come back to me, but sometimes I just wish he would care a bit. I am broken because he had always promised to be there, and it was a flat out lie. Even his family doesn’t care about the loss of their potiental grandchildren. I hate him and now am always obsessing with making sure he gets his bitch slap from karma. He didn’t get into the military and he is stuck working at a car wash living in his dad’s basement, partying with high school students and dating a 15 year old even though his 20. I know I need to completely stop thinking about him and wanting his life to suck, but I cant seem to.
Am I normal to still hurt over this even though I am about to get married? My fiance is an AMAZING man and EVERYTHING I have ever wanted in a life partner.
Sorry for the long rant I just dont know what to do since the anxiety and pain is starting to hurt my fiance and mess with wedding plans. My friends are all saying I should postpone, but I dont know if I should…Its not as if I love my ex, I just hate him for everything he did. Any advice?
Another thing is…my fiance desperatly wants children and wants them as soon as possible…but I am terrified and don’t feel like I deserve to have kids after my past. How can I explain this to him?
Post # 3
Sorry about this it double posted….
Post # 4
*Hugs* I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all this; it’s tragic. The problems with your ex are entirely on him, not you. There’s nothing wrong with you. He is significantly broken in ways that may or may not be repairable, whereas you can heal and move forward and have an amazing life your FI.
Re: talking to your FI about the lost babies, do you have a therapist? I would recommend that you find one and have a session or two revolving around this issue, and get advice on how to talk to your FI about what happened. If possible, you could bring your FI to a session with your therapist and talk about it there, with someone who can support you during the difficult conversation. But you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t go into it thinking that you need your FI’s forgiveness. Go into it to tell him about this super difficult time that you went through and how much you love him and wanted him to know, and how much you need his love and support while you continue to heal.
Post # 5
Ok first of all, that sucks.
Now here’s the hard advice: Move on. Take the high road. He is a selfish asshole who deserves karma to hit him hard. But you can’t live your life in the past. Hopefully he’ll get what is coming to him, but if life is so great now, focus on the future. If you relive the past, you’ll only make yourself more miserable.
Perhaps see a therapist to help you get through these issues. This forum is good for support, but we can only do so much.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Oh sweetie! That sucks!! What a dickhole. Seriously, this stupid asshole doesn’t deserve any more of your thoughts.
As for deserving children, of course you do. If you have a stable and loving relationship, your future children will be blessed to come into that household! But it sounds like you’re pretty young and it think it would be smart to wait until you get your emotions sorted out before having a kid. If you’re only 20 or mid-20s, you have plenty of time.
I very much second the advice to see a therapist. Your last couple years sound very troubled and it can help SO MUCH to go talk to a professional. Please please do this!!! You deserve to be happy and this will help!
Post # 7
@navywifenmoore: (((((HUGS))))) What a horrible experience for you! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, it is completely normal for you to still be affected by all of that. Loss of children and such deep betrayal by someone you loved and trusted is traumatic, and honestly it may take years to heal. I second the advice of seeking a therapist to talk through all of it.
As for your fiance, he may be desperate to have children, but I don’t think he wants them at the expense of your health. You obviously aren’t emotionally ready to have them soon, and I would sit him down and explain that to him. He loves you and want you to be healthy and happy. Plus, having and raising a baby are incredibly stressful, and it would make it so much more difficult if you go into the process already stressed and in a sad place mentally.
As for postponing, that is between you and your FI. You need to do what’s best for you. Good luck.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry. You do deserve kids, but committing to getting married and having kids so soon seems rushed to me. It’s less than a year later. And you are still very young. I encourage you to take some time and not immerse yourself in another life so soon.
Post # 9
Also, some people are just bad people, whether they are born that way or were conditioned that way. Please don’t waste your time or energy on wondering why he did what he did. He sounds like a monster and be glad he’s out of your life!
Post # 10
Thank you so much bees, your kind words mean alot!