Messy Partner is driving me crazy!!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

when DH and I were still dating and he would come over, i would of course treat him like a guest and clean up after him.  when he moved in with me, i set those ground rules right away.  he had always lived alone or with other guy roommates so he certainly was not the cleanest or neatest.  it took a little while to find our groove. 

i had told him he needed to clean up around the house, but that didn’t really do anything. 

then i had the idea to split chores.  i knew he needed to pick which ones he would do, so he would do them. and i would do the rest.  he chose washing the floors and vacuuming. 

all of a sudden it was like a whole new world opened,  he understood what it meant to keep the house clean and organized.  especially when i dropped something on the floor after he had just cleaned them. 

i hope that makes sense and didn’t turn into a long ramble

so yes, have a long talk.  discuss expectations and what each of you are going to contribute to maintaining the household.


Post # 3
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The question is not “How do I get him to clean???”, the question is how to come up with a reasonable compromise.

Imagine a post from the opposite side, “I love my FI but she drives me crazy always wanting our home to look like a magazine. My mess isn’t hurting anyone, so why does she care so much?” You both have to let go of your old habits, and come up with a solution both of you can abide by  (BTW, our bedroom is fairly clean but we have a spare room DH uses as storage. It looks like a tornado but it doesn’t bother me as long he keeps the door closed!)

Post # 4
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Eww that is absolutely disgusting behavior! Coffee cups in the couch cushions? Wtf. And plumbing clothes on the table? I just…no. I agree that a long talk about expectations and hygiene is in order. I couldn’t live like that, you are very patient!

Post # 5
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would just leave the things where he leaves them. It doesn’t seem to bother him so just leave it. When he runs out of coffe cups, dishes, glasses, work pants, shoes etc he might change his ways.

Post # 8
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

My DH is very much the same way, and it will never bother him. When he runs out of clean clothes etc, he will do laundry then but that’s it. He doesn’t see the point of cleaning things like floors, toilets, and the like because “they just get dirty again anyway” or my favorite line of his “Why do you need to clean the toilet? You’re just going to poop in it again anyway!” ….SMH. When he does “clean” it usually involved dumping water on something and leaving it…like oh the floor is clean! No it’s not, it’s soaking wet!

I am very clean and organized and just accept that while he might make minor changes over time he’s never going to be as neat and clean as I am. I instead appreciate the things he does do, like take out the trash and recycling, take my car in for repairs for me, etc..That way it’s more like we just do different things for eachother. But I am definitley in charge of the cleaning, because he just doesn’t see the same mess I do! His mother is the same way, her place is always a mess. So part of me thinks he’s just used to things being that way.

Post # 10
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Do you both work full time jobs?

My fiance comes home from work and was throwing his shoes near the front door in a pile. I prefer a cleaner home, so my solution: get a shoe rack to put near the door….problem solved.

His work clothing made it to the hamper, but he was throwing his post-shower clothing on the floor of the side of the bed before going to sleep. So, I put a hamper in the corner of the bedroom, problem solved.

He loves to leave the cabinets open in the kitchen as well. I also had an ex who did it. I think it’s a male thing. Haha. But, I just close them. It takes me less than a second, and it’s really not a big deal. I still think it’s weird, but it kind of makes me laugh now.

For the cereal box problem, how about getting those plastic storage containers, that way he can fill those with his cereal and just close the top of it. He may still leave it on the counter, but at least you won’t get bugs.

I’m terrible about making the bed, so I can’t give you any words of advice on that. If nobody is going to see it, I don’t mind.

You’ve got to find a happy medium between trying to have a magazine photoshoot worthy home and a bachelor pad from hell. Perhaps offer him some alternatives for places to put his things as opposed to on the table where you eat.

I don’t agree with the whole passive aggressive behavior thing, that just will lead to more problems in the future. Communicate.

Post # 13
4649 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

FutureMrsKenward:  It’s been my experience (slobby ex) that rather than change a person you will need to accept him the way he is. It sounds pretty ingrained that that’s what he’s going to do. Once you learn acceptance it will make you feel better. If you can get to that point. Been there done that.

Post # 14
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

FutureMrsKenward:  Wait, dishes stuffed in the couch?!?! How did I miss that? That’s just out of control. Is he trying to hide them?

See, I work part-time at our business, so I take on most of the house responsibilities. However, I’d lose my mind if I was finding his dirty clothing on the table we eat, and he was just walking by the shoe rack.

I don’t blame you for being overwhelmed, especially during this time of wedding planning. This is a tough one since he’s just straight up ignoring the solutions you’ve been providing. 🙁 Unfortunately, I’m not sure if you’re going to get him to step up and take some relief off you, so if its in the budget, I’d think about getting a PT cleaning woman.

While I agree with a PP about acceptance, I don’t think that means throwing out your expectations of living in a clean environment.

Post # 15
302 posts
Helper bee

Ew he sounds positively slovenly. I would be annoyed too. I have this problem with my boyfriend when he comes over too. He drops his dirty clothes wherever he takes them off and they stay there for days and days. I keep it clean when he’s not over, but when we spend the week together at my place it becomes a tornado of gross. I do the passive aggressive thing and don’t clean it and eventually it will get to him and we’ll do a big clean together but it still pisses me off because dishes left all weekend are more of a task than just doing them before they get sticky/congealed. I’d love to see what works best for OP and try it to! Clothes in the hamper, dishes in the sink, trash in the trash can all goes unnoticed until it becomes unbearable. 

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