Post # 1
Let me start by saying that I love my fiancé. He’s a sweet, funny, loving man. I never know what is going to come out of his mouth and I love that. I am a very clean and neat person. I take a lot of pride in my home and feel my best and relaxed when everything is clean.
What I do know is what living with him is like. Every day I come home from work I can expect to find the following.
- Bed not made
- Dishes from breakfast on the table
- Coffee mug stuffed into the couch cushions
- Cereal box open and left on the counter
- Drawers and cupboards in the kitchen left open
- Door to the closet by our front door open
That’s just before he gets home from work. After he gets home I can expect the following.
- Shoes left in either the kitchen or the living room
- His dirty work pants and shirt (he works as a plumber so who knows what’s on his clothes at the end of the day) on the dining room table. I have to disinfect the table before we can eat on it.
- Two or three glasses left either on shelves, tables or stuffed into the couch cushions
Most days I just go about cleaning up after him because it’s part of my life. If I don’t do it then it will stay there. Lately these things have been really getting to me.
I am his fiancé (soon to be his wife) and I feel like his maid. I know he isn’t doing these things to be mean or because he thinks it my job as the women. He does these things because he simply doesn’t think about it.
We have had many talks about him being messy and he does try every now and then but I still spend an hour every day after work just picking up after him.
Any suggestions on what I can do to make him step up and clean up after himself?
Post # 2
when DH and I were still dating and he would come over, i would of course treat him like a guest and clean up after him. when he moved in with me, i set those ground rules right away. he had always lived alone or with other guy roommates so he certainly was not the cleanest or neatest. it took a little while to find our groove.
i had told him he needed to clean up around the house, but that didn’t really do anything.
then i had the idea to split chores. i knew he needed to pick which ones he would do, so he would do them. and i would do the rest. he chose washing the floors and vacuuming.
all of a sudden it was like a whole new world opened, he understood what it meant to keep the house clean and organized. especially when i dropped something on the floor after he had just cleaned them.
i hope that makes sense and didn’t turn into a long ramble
so yes, have a long talk. discuss expectations and what each of you are going to contribute to maintaining the household.
Post # 3
The question is not “How do I get him to clean???”, the question is how to come up with a reasonable compromise.
Imagine a post from the opposite side, “I love my FI but she drives me crazy always wanting our home to look like a magazine. My mess isn’t hurting anyone, so why does she care so much?” You both have to let go of your old habits, and come up with a solution both of you can abide by (BTW, our bedroom is fairly clean but we have a spare room DH uses as storage. It looks like a tornado but it doesn’t bother me as long he keeps the door closed!)
Post # 4
Eww that is absolutely disgusting behavior! Coffee cups in the couch cushions? Wtf. And plumbing clothes on the table? I just…no. I agree that a long talk about expectations and hygiene is in order. I couldn’t live like that, you are very patient!
Post # 5
I would just leave the things where he leaves them. It doesn’t seem to bother him so just leave it. When he runs out of coffe cups, dishes, glasses, work pants, shoes etc he might change his ways.
Post # 6
LOL I did try the just leave everything where he drops it route. Totally backfired! I ended up having to call a professional cleaner because we ended up with bugs!
One thing that is terrible but I took a little pleasure in is when he hits his head on the cupboard he leaves open haha… maybe you should close them?
This morning I cleaned around his dishes he left on the couch from last night.. I know its passive agressive but I just couldn’t bring myself to clean them again! I mean I cleaned the whole kitchen before I went to bed and when I got up it was a mess 🙁
Post # 7
ajillity81: I think about when we moved in together (that was 8 years ago) I was so young and happy to be living with my boyfriend that I just cleaned up after him cause I thought thats what I should do as a women (My mother did all the cleaning but she didn’t work). I should have set out my expectations right from the beginning.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
My DH is very much the same way, and it will never bother him. When he runs out of clean clothes etc, he will do laundry then but that’s it. He doesn’t see the point of cleaning things like floors, toilets, and the like because “they just get dirty again anyway” or my favorite line of his “Why do you need to clean the toilet? You’re just going to poop in it again anyway!” ….SMH. When he does “clean” it usually involved dumping water on something and leaving it…like oh the floor is clean! No it’s not, it’s soaking wet!
I am very clean and organized and just accept that while he might make minor changes over time he’s never going to be as neat and clean as I am. I instead appreciate the things he does do, like take out the trash and recycling, take my car in for repairs for me, etc..That way it’s more like we just do different things for eachother. But I am definitley in charge of the cleaning, because he just doesn’t see the same mess I do! His mother is the same way, her place is always a mess. So part of me thinks he’s just used to things being that way.
Post # 9
Ms_Purple: Its interesting because he always says he likes things clean but he doesn’t want to do it. When I do a full out clean he always says thank you for cleaning and I do appeciate that he notices. I think I’m just getting stressed from wedding planning so that little things he does are starting really irritate me this week.
Like I said I love my fiance very much and he has made some changes during our relationship so I don’t want it to come off as I dont notice the changed he has made. I just would really appreciate his help with the daily stuff.
I’m an accountant so during tax season I when I work about 75 hours a week I asked him to please for those two months take over the cleaning for me. His solution was to hire a cleaner for the two months. I appreciated the help but I would have appreciated it more if it was him that stepped up to help me during a stressful time.
Maybe I’m just grumpy today lol. Venting helps!
Post # 10
Do you both work full time jobs?
My fiance comes home from work and was throwing his shoes near the front door in a pile. I prefer a cleaner home, so my solution: get a shoe rack to put near the door….problem solved.
His work clothing made it to the hamper, but he was throwing his post-shower clothing on the floor of the side of the bed before going to sleep. So, I put a hamper in the corner of the bedroom, problem solved.
He loves to leave the cabinets open in the kitchen as well. I also had an ex who did it. I think it’s a male thing. Haha. But, I just close them. It takes me less than a second, and it’s really not a big deal. I still think it’s weird, but it kind of makes me laugh now.
For the cereal box problem, how about getting those plastic storage containers, that way he can fill those with his cereal and just close the top of it. He may still leave it on the counter, but at least you won’t get bugs.
I’m terrible about making the bed, so I can’t give you any words of advice on that. If nobody is going to see it, I don’t mind.
You’ve got to find a happy medium between trying to have a magazine photoshoot worthy home and a bachelor pad from hell. Perhaps offer him some alternatives for places to put his things as opposed to on the table where you eat.
I don’t agree with the whole passive aggressive behavior thing, that just will lead to more problems in the future. Communicate.
Post # 11
OMGMrsW2B: Yes we both work full time. I put out laundy baskets and he throws his clothes on the floor beside them! I also put a shoe rack by the door and he walks right past it.
I try to talk to him about it but I feel like it comes off as nagging and I dont want to be like that. So I just clean it.
I do realized that we were both raised differently. I grew up in a clean organzied house and he grew up in a mess (his mother is the same as him). So I tried to just take it all on myself and I just get over wehlmed sometimes.
Post # 12
OMGMrsW2B: The two things that really get to me is the dirty clothes on the table and the dishes stuffed into the couch cushions. I’ve asked him repeatedly to please put his clothes either in the hamper or the bedroom floor (either would be better than the table) and just leave the dished in the sink or the kitchen counter. I thought that was a compromise lol
Post # 13
FutureMrsKenward: It’s been my experience (slobby ex) that rather than change a person you will need to accept him the way he is. It sounds pretty ingrained that that’s what he’s going to do. Once you learn acceptance it will make you feel better. If you can get to that point. Been there done that.
Post # 14
FutureMrsKenward: Wait, dishes stuffed in the couch?!?! How did I miss that? That’s just out of control. Is he trying to hide them?
See, I work part-time at our business, so I take on most of the house responsibilities. However, I’d lose my mind if I was finding his dirty clothing on the table we eat, and he was just walking by the shoe rack.
I don’t blame you for being overwhelmed, especially during this time of wedding planning. This is a tough one since he’s just straight up ignoring the solutions you’ve been providing. 🙁 Unfortunately, I’m not sure if you’re going to get him to step up and take some relief off you, so if its in the budget, I’d think about getting a PT cleaning woman.
While I agree with a PP about acceptance, I don’t think that means throwing out your expectations of living in a clean environment.
Post # 15
Ew he sounds positively slovenly. I would be annoyed too. I have this problem with my boyfriend when he comes over too. He drops his dirty clothes wherever he takes them off and they stay there for days and days. I keep it clean when he’s not over, but when we spend the week together at my place it becomes a tornado of gross. I do the passive aggressive thing and don’t clean it and eventually it will get to him and we’ll do a big clean together but it still pisses me off because dishes left all weekend are more of a task than just doing them before they get sticky/congealed. I’d love to see what works best for OP and try it to! Clothes in the hamper, dishes in the sink, trash in the trash can all goes unnoticed until it becomes unbearable.