Post # 1
This is a little long, but I would really appreciate your insight and feedback! I have 2 MOHs – a little unconventional, but I have a larger bridal party (7 BMs). One of my MOHs is PERFECT – everything you could ask for in a best friend AND a Maid/Matron of Honor. The other one, MIA Maid/Matron of Honor, I’m not sure what to do about. Initially, MIA Maid/Matron of Honor was very excited about the wedding, but she’s started to disappear. She doesn’t return ANY phone calls or texts (about finding *the dress*, having to postpone the wedding due to venue issues, questions about Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, etc.). When my other Maid/Matron of Honor mentioned to her that we were having venue drama, MIA Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t ask for more details. She seems disinterested and unreachable, but what makes this a little weirder for me is that she’s already planning the bridal shower (although we have no wedding date anymore, and no guest list). She apparently was thinking of upscale places that would cost around $50 a person – none of my MOHs (including MIA MOH) or BMs can afford to pay for something like that, and she threw out a $1000 a night resort in Cabo as a bachelorette party destination (again, no one can afford that!).
I’m really not trying to be a bridezilla – I completely understand that our wedding is not the most important thing to other people, and I’m not really asking anything from her other than she act like a good friend (return my phone calls, keep in touch, etc.). I feel grateful that she’s apparently so excited about party-planning (although I do wish she would be a little more realistic about it), but I would much rather have her support and interest than her extravagant party-planning. My feelings are more than a little hurt that she’s so disinterested and unreachable, and we have not had any fallings-out or arguments to warrant this kind of behavior. I’m not sure what to do. I want her to be a part of it, but only if she wants to – I don’t want our wedding to be a burden on anyone! And I also don’t want to be worrying about her behavior and feeling hurt about how she’s acting in the months before our wedding – I’ll have enough to worry about. Are my expectations simply too high? Am I being too demanding?
I want to talk to her about it and see if she just doesn’t have the time (she’s a full-time student) or if there’s something else going on, but I’m just not sure how to bring it up. I know that I have another, wonderful Maid/Matron of Honor so maybe I should just let this go, but part of what is complicating this is I was deciding between MIA Maid/Matron of Honor and my best friend from high school for the 2nd Maid/Matron of Honor position, and my best friend from high school has been sooo supportive and genuinely excited and happy. I didn’t choose her because she’s out of state and is incredibly busy with her rotations and fellowship, but I wish I had. It just seems a little weird to me to keep MIA Maid/Matron of Honor, as uninterested and unreachable and flaky as she’s been, when I could have someone else (best friend from high school) who I know would really appreciate and enjoy it. I know it may seem tacky to rescind or "demote" a Maid/Matron of Honor, but I don’t really know what to do.
Any ideas or feedback would be much appreciated!
Post # 3
Maybe shes jealous, or maybe shes just not that into planning…
Have you guys actually had fun and talked about other stuff besides the wedding lately, maybe she feel like thats the only thing on your mind and is tired of hearing it. Maybe something else is wrong in her life. Whats her relationship status?
Just don’t demote her now, find out what is going on first. Maybe shes having a problem in school, studying, or just really busy. Take her out to lunch and just don’t talk about the wedding. If she asks about it, answer, but don’t drag on. I think you guys just might need some time off from planning, some girls just can’t handle it all.
Post # 4
Thanks Lauren. I completely understand what you’re saying, and I agree. My problem is, I’ve had a total of 3 attempted conversations (the texts about postponing, the dress, and Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses) with her about the wedding in the past 4 months (the entirety of our engagement) – and she hasn’t responded to those, or to any of my other attempts to just hang out. I KNOW how boring wedding-talk can be to people who aren’t going through the process themselves, so I try to be very conscientious about that. She just doesn’t respond to my texts about anything, and she’s been flaky about meeting up for drinks or lunch. She just seems to have fallen off the face of the Earth! I just feel like, as a Maid/Matron of Honor and just as a friend, she should be a little more "there"? I definitely want to talk to her to see what’s really going on, but she’s been so unreachable. 🙁 Sorry, this got really long, but I just had to vent!
Post # 5
Okay, tough love-maybe you should just ask her outright? One of my best friends is a Bridesmaid or Best Man (I’m an encore bride and going to be 39 when we say our I do’s). I love this girl-trust her with my kids, etc.-I thought she was disinterested and maybe sending me “a vibe” that she didn’t want to do it and was waiting for me to drop her. She has keys to my house, I have keys to hers, we keep each other’s kids, etc. The thing is, when I asked her-sitting at my kitchen table in tears-she was shocked that I felt that way. She was terribly apologetic, said the conversation was “enlightening” and didn’t realize how absent she had been. She said “I really want to be in your wedding and didn’t realize how much I had missed”-re: she has three kids, we’re both busy teachers & active in church, etc. If I had released or demoted her without this conversation, it would have irretrievably damaged our friendship.
I’m glad I asked, it cleared the air (I was starting to get REALLY resentful) and we are closer than ever. Keep in mind now, that this girl and I (while we don’t see each other as often as we like bc we teach at different schools and our kids are different ages, involved in different activities, she attends a different church, etc.) are close-she was with me when I was in labor and had one of 6 wrist bracelets that they give you per family with babies in the NICU. I told her that I realized that some friendships were around for a “season, a reason, or a lifetime” and that I was starting to wonder if we had drifted. A very short & heartfelt conversation on both our parts cleared the air.
Post # 6
im sorry but im confused… you say that “although we have no wedding date anymore, and no guest list” so that would make it no wedding right? if no wedding what is there for a Maid/Matron of Honor to do? did i read your post correctly?
Post # 7
Liztwinz — I’m so glad it all worked out for you! It sounds like you guys have a really deep friendship. You’re right, I think some people really do have completely different ideas of what it means to be in the bridal party. I;m beginning to feel like our friendship is kind of dwindling, even though I’ve been really trying to reach out to her (and have not mentioned anything wedding-related at all, so it’s definitely not that she’s sick of hearing about it!). I do want to talk to her about it, but it’s kind of hard because I’m not sure how to put it without sounding like a needy bride (lol, which may not be too far from the truth??).
Eloping — our first venue/wedding date fell through because of some construction issues. We ended up having to cancel our contracts with the venue and a few vendors for our original date (we’ve since found a new venue and have a new date). And while we have a general idea of who we’re inviting to the wedding, we don’t have a finalized guest list yet. My point in bringing that up was that postponing our wedding and having to start planning all over was pretty stressful for me, and while I definitely do not expect our wedding to be anyone else’s top priority, I simply feel that as one of my best friends, she should have been available and interested in what’s going on in my life. To me, being in a bridal party is not simply organizing parties — it’s a way to recognize and “honor” your best friends, and I just feel a little hurt that she’s been acting so distant.
Post # 8
thanks Buttons-so there is a wedding (whew, glad to hear and sending hugs).
you wouldnt be the first bride that is having issues currently with a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man. maybe shes goal orientated & needs an actual timeline to start doing and planning stuff. as she is still going to school and as the date might be in the distance she might not understand that there are things happening now with planning.
sorry this is a hassle for you but im glad you have one Maid/Matron of Honor that seems super supportive