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I know it hurts, but give her the benefit of the doubt. We never really know anyone's financial situation other than our own. Suck it up and let her know how much she will be missed.
Hmmmm, tough call. I'd be really upset too, I think you have a right to be upset. But, before I go on- could there be some validity to what she's saying, could they somehow really have fallen on hard times? If that were the case, she should have ellaborated, I'm sure you'd be more understanding. Either way, throughout this wedding planning process, I've learned that if you expect every friend to reciprocate what you've done for them, you'll end up disappointed regularly. At least that's been my experience. And I'm having a hard time getting past it. The friendships that I'm speaking of are basically superficial now, like I haven't deleted them from Facebook, and I'd go out to a function if they're there, but it can never be the same. Crappy stuff....
Maybe she WAS really excited about it all along and wasn’t thinking about the cost until now and she realized WOW that’s a lot of $ that I don’t have and time to take off work that I can’t take off.
Yes you spent a lot at & for her wedding but you might make more than her/ have less bills then her. And about the gifts why is it all about she didn’t even send a gift I didn’t know sending gifts = being a good friend.
Yeah, it is tough.
I know that they aren't that broke because they are renovating their house - building additions, redoing the exterior, etc. They also travelled here a few months ago just before one of our friends had a baby...
I guess in my opinion, she is just using "money" as an excuse, cause it's an easy one to make right now, when in reality, she just doesn't feel like coming.
I don't know.. I'm really hurt by it, but at the same time have no idea what I would even say. I just responded with "I understand money issues, wish you could have been here for it." or something to that extent.
I think your response was good, and I am sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure it is frustrating/disappointing.
It's isn't just the "gift" thing. She didn't call my mother to RSVP for the shower, she sent me an email 3 days after the RSVP was due. She didn't send a card, or a congratulations e-mail. She said she was looking forward to seeing me at the wedding.
My wedding RSVPs were due Sunday. The email I got from her was on Monday saying that they weren't coming.
Ouch...if I was so pissed, I would send her an itemized list of what you paid to attend her wedding.
But alas, we must be civil.
jennifer espos: I'm sort of thinking of taking that approach - not totally defriending her, or "crossing her off my friend list" so to speak, but really analyzing if I want to keep her as a friend, or merely an acquaintance.
And I agree, assuming that people would put in the same effort into my wedding has cause some hard feelings... but this one just hit really hard because I had gone so out of my way to help make her wedding special...
Just really bummed.
I do think since she visited previously and she's known about your wedding date for awhile, she should have budgeted. I guess the thing with certain friends is, they don't reciprocate the same way...sometimes there's a giver and a receiver.
Agreed beekiss - I think that is exactly the situation.
I went thru a period a few years ago where I phased out some of the relationships where I was giving 110% and they were giving 20%. I'm wondering if the wedding will cause me to go thru it again!
Obviously she doesn't feel it's important enough to come to your wedding so I think that maybe you two are not as close as you once were.
Five years can change a lot of things. Maybe her her husband accrued a lot of debt or there are other problems she hasn't told you about.
I think I'd just accept her decline and move on - let her contact you if she wishes to keep in touch. A real friend would be there and happy to celebrate with you.
You know, I was going to start with giving her the benefit of the doubt b/c no one knows anyone else's financial situation too, but the more I read your posts, the more this friend just sounds like a cop out. I liked your response to her...very dignified. I would just sort of phase her out of my life at this point. It's evident that she doesn't care enough to make your day as special as you made hers, and it sounds like she's just not a friend any longer. I wouldn't cut her off completely, but slowly phasing her out wouldn't be a terrible thing. I think friends need to be there for each other, and it doesn't sound like she's making any of the effort.
Financial situations and priorities change. I wouldn't expect someone to spend x amount of dollars on me just b/c I spent x amount of dollars on them... but I guess I am in the minority on that. But if you think that she is doing this as a cop-out that is another thing. Like others have said, maybe you weren't as close as you thought you were... I'd wait for her to contact you, but don't let this dampen your day!
In this situation, I don't think you can fault her for telling you that she can't afford to go to your wedding. You shouldn't hold it against your guests if they can't make it for financial reasons. You can't make assumptions on their finances.
I myself an going through some drama b/c I had to back out of a DW that I just couldn't afford. The bride to be is totally pissed at me. Her family is ganging up against me and being rude to me b/c I can't make it. Despite all of the drama I know I'm not a bad person b/c I couldn't pay $1700 for a weekend... the bride isn't even a good friend of mine.
She probably knew that she couldn't make it to your wedding in advance. It would have been nice if she could at least go to your bridal shower. If I were in her situation I would have tried to do that, knowing I couldn't go to the wedding. There's nothing you can do but move on. And if this is bothering you just tell her that you're sad that she can't make it to any of your wedding events and that her presence will be missed.
I have a friend like that where you just never get back what you give in to the relationship. It sucks because you aren't giving to the friendship in order to receive later, but one would assume the person would want to do for you as you wanted to do for her. It's dissapointing when you find out that you are giving 100% to the friendship and the other person is giving like 10%. I'm sorry she won't be there for you :(
I should add that the only reason that I brought up money was to show that it was a great deal of money, at a time when I didn't have much (still dont.. ha!)
I never intended for her to assume how much I spent and spend the same, it's just that the amount of money and time so far put into this on her end is zero.. that's what's hurtful.
Last summer she came up here for at LEAST three weddings - some of whom I didn't even think she was friends with.
Oh well. Just didn't know who else to share this with.
Thanks all for listening and responding.
That sucks. Could there be something else going on?
I have a friend (I'm totally not supposed to know about this but whatever...) they've been trying to have a baby for a while and while they just bought & renovated their place the cost of the fertility process & meds is really starting to hit them. Another friend gave me the heads up because I doubt my friend will be coming to our wedding.
We have run into some of this too. FI's one friend got married two years ago and that year we went to his 30th Bday party (which everyone had to chip in for, drinks weren't free), fathers funeral which was a long drive away from the city and his wedding where we had to drive, get a hotel, buy a gift, etc. They immediately declined our wedding invitation without any kind of email or phone call apology. I was pissed because the time/money/effort we spent on them and absolutely none made for us.
We also had a lot of other people decline immediately whose weddings we attended and I was upset about that.
Does her friendship mean enough to you to talk to her about this? I would suggest writing down how you feel to her, then waiting a day or two and re-read what you wrote. If you still feel the same, then send her your letter and explain that you feel that your friendship is not being reciprocated. Really important though, do not attack her, because that will put her on the defensive. Most important is that you approach this situation with love. Let her know how much it would mean to you to have her there, and that mostly, it hurts, because she is not making it to your wedding, when you went through so much to make it to hers.
Well, THAT's a different story then. If she came up to 3 weddings in your area the previous summer and is not coming to yours then I could see how it could be hurtful. Is it safe to assume that she isn't a BM in your wedding (even though you were in hers)?
Guess it could boil down to the fact that maybe you guys aren't as close as you once were. After all, she isn't a BM in your wedding whereas you were in her bridal party 5 years ago. Sorry you are feeling this way... just don't hold it against her.
Just to give you a heads up, some of our close friends may not be able to make it to our wedding. Sure, it does suck that they can't make it but in no way would I ever be upset or angry that they couldn't make it (even if I attended their weddings in the past).
I agree with Cantwait. Maybe you can calmly just express that you're hurt, and why. But maybe try to ask her firt, what's up? She sounded liek she was excited until very recently...
Forgive but don't forget.
Like others have said, you never know someone's financial story. However, if she has been traveling back and forth for other events, I would be really annoyed too. Remember her actions when something comes up in her life (future baby shower?).
To be honest, I would feel hurt too. But you'll have so much other amazing things going on that day (and days leading up), just don't even worry about it!
I don't think it's a sign that she doesn't care about you are your wedding. I just say what some of the other bee's have said, try to give her the benefit of the doubt. My BFF of almost 20 years didn't make it to my wedding when she had nearly a year's notice to save, but you know what? Sometimes life gets in the way. Maybe your wedding isn't the only one she has to attend. Maybe she has a sibling or a closer friend who's wedding she had to choose over yours. Maybe they are way up to their ears in debt and no matter how much she wants to attend, financially it's impossible. Also, you said she's been married 5 years. As a single gal, I know I didn't consult with anyone before I made a decision. But now that I am married, that changes everything with my finances. For larger purchases (such as what it would cost to go to a wedding in another state), I would check in w/ the hubs. There are so many valid and legitimate reasons as to why she can't make it and while it would be nice for her to offer an explanation, she's not obligated to.
ella, let me tell you what.. i am in a very similar situation... i feel like i could have written that post... the only difference is my "C" is also a co-worker who flaunts her spending on $600 purses and vacations and clothes... i hear you girl. it hurts. sometimes people just let us down. but in the end, you have to not let it get in the way of this special time in your life. remember to focus on the family, friends, and your wonderful fiance who love you and would do anything to be there for you on the most important day of your life so far. hang in there :-)
@Dancy905: I don't think that anything is going on - she was just here a few months ago, then visited another friend in Florida not long after that..
@moderndaisy: I agree that just getting the "no" RSVP in the mail (on time or not) probably would have been more of a slap in the face... how awful.
cantwaittilmay & tanya: I'm not sure that her friendship does mean that much to me anymore. It's something I'll have to evaluate.
Bunny: I wasn't a bridesmaid, I just sang during the lighting of the unity candle. She kept me involved in all the before wedding stuff though. I've tried, but it hasn't been reciprocated.
pinkstripes: that's a good way to look at it...
jsdragonfly: I'll try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but evidence is piling up that it's just that she didn't feel like spending the money on ME, it wasn't that important to her..
wendylynn: that's awful. I'd throw her $600 bag in the toilet.. okay, no I wouldn't, but I'd want to!
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My friend, we'll call her "C" got married about 5 years ago. She lives in NY, I live in NE Ohio.
Her wedding shower was in Columbus - not a lot of travel, but I bought her a 75 dollar shower gift.
Her bachelorette party was in Vegas - trip, hotel, meals & bachelorette gifts totaled almost 700 dollars.
Her wedding was in NY & I was singing in her wedding - So I was there for three nights (hotel) plus a gift - probably another 600 by the time I bought a dress, shoes, hotel, food, etc.
I had no problem doing this, because she was a good friend. I was sort of broke at the time, but I was going to do it for her.
Fast forward 5 years. I am getting married. She now lives in Maine, just outside Boston (about a 13-14 hour drive). She couldn't make it to my shower, which I understand. But she wrote me an email yesterday saying that they just couldn't find the cash to make it to our wedding. WHAT!
I could understand her responding that way if one of them were unemployed, or if they had fallen on hard times... while they have reduced salaires (as I have too), I'm floored that she wouldnt consider all I did for her and her wedding. She has known about this wedding and the date for WELL over a year, and I sort of feel like this is a huge cop-out.
Now I'm wondering if it's worth remaining friends with this girl. She did not send me a gift for my shower w/ the decline, and I'm not sure if she is going to send a wedding gift either & I went out of my way for her!
I'm just upset that someone I consider a friend would pull this at the last minute! Up until now she had been saying how excited she was about it... I'm upset...