- 9 years ago
I’m posting on a new name, since FI has recently started checking this out and knows my name.
I’ve just about had it.
FI and I have been together since March 2007 We became offically engaged in December of 08. Here we are 8 months later, and I still can’t get him to really talk about a wedding. He is more than happy to talk about having children, renovating the house, buying new cars, etc, but absolutely will not start planning. He even discourages me from planning and whines “ah, we should just go downtown. then we can start having kids”. He’s 32, I’m 23.
I’m to the point where I’m beginning to believe he doesn’t really want a marriage. He just wants kids. Maybe that sounds harsh, but that’s how I feel. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he just gets really mad whenever I talk about getting married. Even a tiny ceremony, backyard bbq wedding. He says it’s the money (we’ll be funding it ourselves).
I’ve really put him first in this relationship. I moved in with him to help him pay bills when he was out of a job. I got a good job, and I pay 80% of the bills in this house. I’ve taken out loans when the money was not enough. I have helped him with college classes. He only works part time, and feels the need to spend his money however he sees fit (tools, stuff for the car, etc.). I work two jobs (50+ hours a week).
The last straw came to other day. When we were driving for a fun day at the theme park, he says to me (out of the blue): “I think you should put grad school on hold until I get my degree. Let me finish, so we have two BS incomes before you start grad school. You need to help me get this degree.”
First of all, I haven’t even taken the GRE yet. Second, he has been in school part time since 2005 before I met him. He has continuously failed classes and retaken them. Even with my help every night, he just can’t pass. He’s at least 3 years from a BS and doesn’t understand the committment that it takes to get a college degree. Why do I have to wait on my dreams? Why do I need to help him with HIS degree? It makes sense to have two good incomes first, but he’s clearly not close to getting his.
It’s gotten to the point, I love him, but I’ve been thinking about leaving. There’s just too much stress with money and his inconsiderate thoughts. The stress comes and goes, but it’s become really overwhelming lately. With work and life at home, I’ve actually been put on meds. If i leave, he’ll surely lose the house without my income. I don’t want to do that to the man I love. And I really want to work it out, but no matter how I’ve approached the situation (calmly, seriously talking) he just gets angry and defensive. I want to be with him, but I don’t want to get married and still feel like he’s not giving it 100%. I don’t want a one-sided marriage. I just feel really helpless like I’ve hit a dead end. Everything’s fine if I just keep the issues to myself and go on about everyday life. But that’s not working for me.
He’s refused couples counseling, gets mad when I suggest it.
I really needed to get this off my chest and vent, but if anyone has any advice or direction in this, I’d really appreciate it.I’m sorry this is so long, but I feel like all the background info is necessary for everyone to get a clear picture. I just don’t know what to do anymore.