Post # 1
Hey everyone! I read a few of you Bees have been to the mikvah before your weddings and I wanted to pick your brains.
My fiance and I are living in Germany. We’re getting married in Colorado, where I grew up & where my family still lives. The wedding’s happening in May so the excitement is really starting to set in! WOOHOO!
I’m thinking about going to the mikvah before our wedding. But…. we live together. We touch each other all the time all month long. And I want to choose not to NOT touch my man for a week – especially not the week leading up to us being bound to each other!
So I have a wedding-planning trip coming up at the end of March. I’ll be in town for the 60-day mark before the wedding. And the man isn’t coming – default week of separation, done! I leave Berlin on Saturday and fly back on Sunday morning 8 days later, so there’s a window on Saturday night. But that’s rather a long break between mikvah and wedding!
What do I prioritize: a mikvah that includes 7 days of physical separation BUT is two months away from the wedding,
OR a mikvah that is closer to the wedding, but before which I’m not willing to stay away from my man?? Would the water even stay kosher if I brought my man-cooties in there?
There is also a mikvah here in Berlin, but that would be the worst of all worlds – we are going to Denver a week before the wedding so I wouldn’t have it very close to the date anyway, AND I wouldn’t not touch my fiance.
Would love any input from mikvah-enlightened Bees out there! Thanks!
Post # 3
I entered the mikvah for my conversion. I did it on the first anniversary, and plan to do it on my second this Iyar.
Too Much Information warning: During my period, I refrain from intercourse, and that is fine for me. I kiss him, I hug him, I pass him the remote or the bills…. none of those are sexual. Can the first two turn sexual? Absolutely. But I can hug him, and express emotional intimacy through physical means. I know Judaism doesn’t see it that way, but I also disagree pretty strongly with many of Judaism’s stances on gender norms. So for me, that’s what I do, and that’s what works for me. I’m not NOT seeing him for the week before our wedding. I’m not NOT touching him. Maybe I’ll not have sex, but that’s where my compromise stops.
Post # 4
@misssmiler: All right chicka, here goes.
1. I live in Colorado. I suggest you learn with someone about the Mikvah before you go. I can suggest some folks for you. Also, the most beautiful Mikvah is in Boulder and that is where I went. I highly recommend it.
2. To answer your questions (reference – my husband and I lived together before we got married too):
You really can’t do your mikvah a month before the wedding. You need to do it the night before the wedding… which for me would have been Sat night… yeah that wasn’t happening with our rehersal dinner and my need to get my nails done (can’t have polish on your nails when you go). So I got a heter (essentially approval) from a rabbi to go on Friday during the day before my Sunday wedding.
There is a lot of lead up that has to happen to going to the mikvah. So this is how it happened for me. The month before my wedding I “scheduled” my period 12 days-ish before the wedding. I had my period for 5 days then did the checks for 7 days to make sure I was clean (aka totally done with the period). On the 7 day, I started prepping for the mikvah. The next morning I went all ready to go. You nails must be cut, you have to clean your ears, nose, belly button, etc. Then you go into the mikvah.
As for not touching, my husband and I still touched before the wedding… even while I was in the 7 white days and after the mikvah. Truth be told, we were too exhausted to have sex Fri night and Sat night we weren’t together because the wedding was the next day. We don’t plan to keep the 7 white days right now because that is more a rabbinical law rather than a Torah law… anyway, we are learning together and making decisions together but I held the 7 days for this mikvah since it was so important for the start of our lives together and our Jewish family.
Let’s talk about touching vs sex. We touch when I am on my period, we just don’t have sex. The orthodox recommend not physically touching or even passing things to each other because it might get either of you excited… and you can’t have sex… so they don’t want to ‘inflame the passions.’ I get it. Ever feel like you just can’t take it and you want to jump your guy? But I also feel like we are in control of those things. We shake hands with the opposite sex and live in the modern world. WHICH is different from most Orthodox. SO, we touch, we just don’t have sex. These are called ‘fences around fences.’ You have the rule but you make it more stringent to make sure you don’t mess up… I understand them but I rarely hold by them.
Here are my (non-rabbinical) recommendations to you:
- Find a Jewish woman who is very learned on the mikvah to study with before your wedding (4-5 classes is fine but you should do as many as you can). I can offer some Colorado based recomendations and some ladies who can do it online with you.
- Plan out your period so it ends and you have 7 clean days before your wedding. Plan to do the mikvah during the day on May 24th (a Friday).
- During your clean days… I recommend not having sex but no one else is in your bedroom. Touching is fine. (If you go this route and study with an orthodox teacher… what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.)
- Go to the Mikvah on Friday during the day. You won’t have man cooties because you are supposed to take a min of a 30 min hot bath before you go. You are already clean before you dunk.
- You are going to be SO busy on your wedding weekend anyway… you may not end up sleeping together… and anyway, it’s kinda nice to wait two nights (after the mikvah) and then release all that passion and excitement on YOUR HUSBAND that first night 🙂 That’s the way I felt anyway. 🙂
Please feel free to private message me if you want any more info or to talk about this! 🙂