Post # 1
So we are less then three weeks away from the big day, and I keep finding out through emails that my MIL has added additional guests, and is requiring me to send formal invititions out. Not only do I have to make more invitations now, but I’ll need to go buy more tablecloths/napkins/plates/food…. etc. My parents and I are paying for almost the entire wedding, yet my FI’s guest list is twice the size of mine, with it growing on a daily basis it seems. I’m not made of money, and neither are my parents, and I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to afford all these last minute additions (I pretty much have to invite them at this point, because she’s already verbally told them they are invited.) Should I insist that she helps contribute to feeding all of these guests? And what do I do if she says no?
Post # 3
Just don’t invite them. If she throws a fit, tell her, “Hey, you get to pay for all of them if I do!” I’m guessing she’ll change her tune.
Post # 4
Unfortunatly, she’s pretty much already told them all the information, and I just have to send a “formal invitation” out of politeness, so even if I don’t officially invite them, they will probably show up anyway.
Post # 5
Your FI needs to deal with this. Something along the lines of, “Mom, these last minute guests of yours were not in the original budget, and now we need to rent/purchase additional chairs/tables/etc. because of it. If you still feel they need to be there, you’ll need to pay $xxx.xx.”
Post # 6
I agree with VintageDivine. Your FI needs to step up to the plate here, and he needs to tell her to pay up.
Post # 7
Have your fi talk to her. I’d be so upset if this happened to us! And yes, she should have to pay, and be happy you’re not making her do all the work to buy all additional things needed. People don’t realize how much you need to do for just a few guests.
Post # 8
Yep, FI needs to deal with this.
And to make it clearer, I would have a number ready to go: “It’s costing about $200/head, so that makes your contribution $2600.”
Is it gauche to think of dear second-cousin-twice-removed as a $200 head? Yes, but it’s also reality and MIL needs to understand that a budget is reality. (As is space concerns–can your reception venue accomodate these people)
Post # 9
I’m just echoing the others here, but yes, definitely have your FI talk to her! I would have gone mad if this had happened to me–it’s not just the cost of the extra guests that’s the issue, it’s incorporating them into the whole scheme that just takes a lot of work. I would let them come if MIL pays, but I’d put my foot down at the formal invitations… it’s just way too late for that, and it sounds like it’s extra work for you. They’ll know they’re last-minute guests anyway!
Post # 10
with 3 weeks left there is no way you can add guests. Never mind the time it’ll take to make the invites but mailing them out, mailing them back… then getting the headcount and delivering to the caterer. NOT enough time. Tell her there is a deadline and it has passed. Too late.
Post # 11
I agree with everyone, if she wants these guests to attend and it’s WELL past the deadline, then she has to pay! If she doesn’t then they don’t come.
My MIL did this, and 11 extra people showed, that had RSVP NO, if we would have know this before the wedding, we would have made a big deal out of it and insisted that she pay, if she doesn’t and they show, then no one will be allowed to come. Instead she did it the day of, so we couldn’t cause that much of a scene. Get it worked out before the wedding because you don’t want to deal with this the day of and get stuck paying for them.
Post # 12
I agree with VintageDivine.
Post # 13
I agree that if your FMIL wants to invite more people she needs to pay for the extra expenses it is costing (food, drinks, utensils, rentals, venue space, etc.). Personally, I wouldn’t send out the invitations unless you’ve deposited her payment for her additions. So as she invites more people, she has to cut a check for each one. I think that willl make it harder for her to invite more people going forward. I say this because a friend of mine had this problem before, except her mother-in-law never paid them back.
If she says no, then don’t send the invitation and warn her that there won’t be extra seats for her guests. It will be her and her guests who are embarassed if they show up uninvited.
Lastly, I’m assuming your venue will have room for all her additions? If not, you can always use the fire code excuse…
Post # 14
I HATE when people do that. What a close friend did was to tell her coordinator to SIT all the RSVP’d guests first (she made escort cards) and if, and only if there was extra food, to give the no shows and the people she did not formally invite. Come on, the wedding was over $120pp, be considerate! I’d tell MIL that the fire code has been exceeded. I’ll even go as far as making sure she calls her friends and disinvites them. If however your parents don’t mind the extra expense, go ahead and invite them.
Post # 15
Thanks guys. I told my FI that he needs to talk to his mother about all these last minute additions, and that she has to help contribute financially, especially since his family’s guest list is bigger then mine (43-27, and I’m including all of our mutual friends on “my list” to help “boost” my numbers). I’m just worried that she’s going to put on some sort of guilt trip about how she paid for the depost on our rental house, bought us a refrigerator, and did landscaping for us… but then half of the reason she pushed us to get a house was because she wanted to get her other son (who lives with us now) and their project cars out of her house- we could still be living in our apartment and be quite content. I’m just worried about causing a big fight, since our relationship is already pretty shaky.
Sadly, I can’t use the fire code excuse, since both our wedding and reception are outside.
Post # 16
That’s sticky, I’m sorry about that. Maybe if you’re FI emphasizes exactly how much pressure this will put on you financially (bust out an itemized list of the breakdown) and explain that you’d expected to save up a certain amount of money each month, and the extra guests creates an extra burden on your finances for the next so-many months, and you don’t want to start your married life out in debt. How many of these people does she talk to on a regular basis, anyway?