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I feel like my maid of honor doesn't care..

MIL calling once a day...isn't this too much?

posted 3 months ago in Family
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    I'm going to try to make this short and to the point:

    I absolutely love my in-laws- they are very kind, want the best for us both, and love me dearly. Sure there are annoyances here and there...but overall I'm super lucky to have them as in-laws.

    However, I am Greek-American (I grew up in the States) and they are 100% Greek...our cultural differences are leading to some issues right now.

    • I am an only child and my parents live in the States still. They tell me things like "Live your lives, don't worry about us, enjoy your private time as newlyweds, etc."- My FIL said to me two days before the wedding "I hope you don't forget us." They have two children that live no more than 30 minutes away. Thanks.

     

    • MIL called us twice on our honeymoon. I'm sorry but to me this is downright STRANGE. We called them from the airport. I think that should have been enough for 7 days until we got back.

     

    • When DH went by his house to pick up some more of his clothes when we got back from our honeymoon, MIL was suggesting he just eat there since they had food ready. He of course said he would eat with me (our first night in our home together as newlyweds for God's sake!!)

     

    • She calls every. day. Once a day. One day DH didn't answer his phone, and the next day she was asking why he didn't answer his phone and she was hurt.

     

    DH and I had MANY talks about this before we married and I was VERY VERY clear about what I wanted our boundaries to be with both of our families. Boundaries and space are really important to me.

    We agreed to have Sunday lunch with them once a month. This is ideal for both me and DH. But I don't like her calling everyday and her asking all the time when we are going to stop by. 

    DH has said that it has only been a few weeks and they are probably going to get the hint after a few more weeks that we want our space. He says its still super early and he is hoping after a little more time passes, it will stop. His mom still gets all teary about him leaving the house. (He lived in an apartment below hers in the same building).

    I'm so annoyed. 

    The good thing is, that DH has promised to set boundaries if things don't change. Also, he would never ever eat there rather than with me, etc...I don't have issues with him...but his parents are annoying the crap out of me.

    It really bothers me that they are thinking more about their own desire to have their son around, rather than thinking of us and our desire to have some space and private time. My parents are the opposite so its REALLY hard for me to tolerate.

    Do you all think its normal for MIL to call once a day every day??? It strikes me as so odd. 

     

     

     
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    eloping    May 23, 2010  

    ha!  my MIL is greek also and has called us while on our honeymoon, on vacations etc.... but then again so has my italian mom and both have learnt that we wont answer the phone and rarely return phone calls unless the message is its urgent/someone is sick.  oh, and my MIL & FIL live right next door and both hubbys brothers live in the same street

    as a result of not over sharing with them we only have about 2 lunches per year with them and i can go weeks without seeing them, hubby drops over next door about once a week to say hi - im not ignoring them but im busy and tired and just want to go home and relax

    his married brother on the other hand, who never set boundries is at their house almost every day, the inlaws have a say in almost everything they do (MIL picked my SILs e-ring and their furnishings including the hideous white and gold bedroom furniture).

    my inlaws are lovely people but you have to set boundries NOW. to start with dont answer the phone, dont return the call for a few hours and when you do say you have other things to do and are busy. her phoning every day is a habit and its time to break it

     
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    AmeliaBedelia    March 3, 2012   Georgia

    Omg. Your MIL and my FFIL are the same people.

    Except FFIL calls FI several times a day (usually to say nothing and/or to ask a pointless question). I don't mind FI answering, unless of course we are doing something else...in which case he'll ignore it. However when he ignores it, chances are FFIL will then call ME! We've sort of curbed this over the years but it's still somewhat of an issue.

    I just wanted to share that you're not alone in this. My parents are exactly like yours unless they have something important to talk about - like right now, my Mom and wedding stuff. It's just super strange to see how others do it. I wouldn't say one way or another is normal/abnormal, because who knows? But we do all have what WE consider normal and what others do. Adapting to it is sometimes strange.

    And also, random addition regarding the don't forget us comment? We got one too! Not at the wedding (obviously) but when we moved into our house. We had been living 2-ish hours away and when we decided to finally buy a house we wanted one close-ish to our parents. My Mom's is about 25 mins away, his Dad's is about 25 mins away. FFIL says, "I'll probably see you less now that you're closer." Um.......*crickets*

     
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    Monkey68    August 26, 2012  

    Maybe I'm the odd one out, but I don't see the big deal. I speak to my parents at least once a day, and so does he, sometimes multiple times a day. When we go on vacation, we either call or email daily just so they know we are still alive. We live about an hour away now but still try to see our parents at least twice a month. Then again, we both come from typical Russian families and it seems to be the norm. My parents speak to my grandparents multiple times a day, and they live in the same building so they se each other every day.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @eloping:  You understand! :) Greek moms with their sons...lol.

    DH promises to set boundaries with them at the end of the month if it continues. He thinks it may fade out on its own, and that they'll get the hint. If they don't he'll say something.

    A month after marriage isn't too long to wait to set the boundaries, right?

     

    @AmeliaBedelia:  Sigh. I understand parents love their children, but when they are needy like that it just makes kids want to run the other way. Its so great that my parents respect the fact that we are newlyweds and the more space they give us, the more I want to call them. 

    Its dangerous I think when parents continue to want to be fulfilled by their children after they are married!

     

    @Monkey68:  I actually like extended families being close. Im happy to see DH's parents once a month for lunch which is pretty often and to talk once or twice a week. I want them to be a big part of our children's lives as well.

    However- the combo of calling on our honeymoon (im sorry that's just weird to me), calling every day, being upset that DH didnt answer one day, asking him to eat at her house instead of at mine, getting weepy when he stops by... no no no no no. Its too much.

     
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    Cariad    February 18, 2012   Greece

    I am getting married to a Greek Man (or should I say a Greek family) next week.  I don't mind that they speak everyday, but I have put my foot down at personal things being discussed, like the time I went to the gynecologist and FI decided that was something appropriate to share with his family. I have lived away from my country from years and am very independent and it is hard for me to accept that level of interest and input in our lives and have discussed boundaries with FI which are now in place (I asked him how he'd feel if I started discussing him going for a private-parts checkup with everybody left, right and centre and he got it).

    I don't think his mother would be able to sleep without asking him what he had to eat that day though! lol!

    Just a question, why does it bother you so much that he speaks to them daily?  Are they usually long telephone conversations, or just a quick catch-up?  Does he call her at all? The honeymoon calling and the weeping when he leaves is a bit OTT though, especially if you visit regularly.

     
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    TwoCityBride    April 1, 2013  

    I am not on good terms with my mom at the moment when I was I talked to her everyday. I still talk to my dad a couple times of week. That is what normal for us. I think as long as she is calling your hubby and not you and he isnt bothered by it dont make a big deal out of it.  I think how he is  is dealing with it is fine. Other things sounds inconsiderate like asking him to dinner but not malcious or mean on her part. I think its an adjustment period and hopefully she learns to adjust quickly.

     

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @Cariad:  LOL at FMIL needing to know what your FI eats everyday!

    I think everyday is too much...especially when he gets upset f one day goes by that e doesnt answer. Seriously? One day goes by without talking and youre upset?

    Also its the calling in combo w/everything else...I want her to stop needing him and to get used to the fact that we will get together pretty regularly and other than that she needs to give us some space.

    She gives me the impression that she relies on her kids too much for her own happiness. 

     

     
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    abbie017    March 16, 2013  

    I also don't find this too strange, although can be annoying.  FI talks to both his parents and his sister at least once a day, oftentimes more.  They're very close, and enjoy talking to each other.  It may be different for us since we don't live near them at all, so he doesn't see them as much as he'd like.  On the other hand, I talk to my parents only once a week, and his family finds this strange.  But regardless, I don't think it's weird.  At least they're being nice and supportive, and not calling to criticize things!

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @TwoCityBride:  If some time passes and she adjusts we'll be fine. if this continues, we're going to have an issue.

    I just want to emphasize as I said in  my earlier post- it isn't just the calling. Its the overall impression (and even DH agrees) that she relies on her children for fulfillment. She has a husband and a job- and a grandchild....DH and I are newly married and I want her to think of us, not only herself.

    I feel like my parents are so selfless in the way that their only child is across the ocean and they still want to tell me not to worry about them, and for us to live our own lives, etc...

    When they live 25 minutes away and get so needy..I find it...troubling.

     
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    Mrsvbtobe    July 28, 2012  

    Sorry, I know Im going against general consensus a bit but I think you are being a bit selfish.

    My parents are super relaxed too, I went travelling with my fiance for 5 weeks in bali, malaysia and hong kong. My parents were happy with the odd text to say I was ok and I think I spoke on the phone to them once. My fiances Italian mum called every day. She was also constantly worrying about any activites we were doing, whether the food was clean, what we were we drinking. She even called us in the middle of the night once to tell us there had been an earthquake in Malaysia and were we safe - we were about 300 miles away and it was so tiny it didnt even get reported on the news. The way I see it is that its a cultural thing first of all - he always speaks to her every day and whenever we travel she always wants to know the flight number and when we arrive.

    Shes been a stay at home mum all her life and doesnt have a lot going on in her life, hobbies etc. The way I see it is thats her son who she spent 18+years loving and caring for and who she basically loves more than anything in the world. 98% of the time hes with me, I really cant begrudge her the 2% of the time she gets his attention if it makes an older lady feel happy and secure knowing her baby is safe and happy.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @Mrsvbtobe:  I definitely appreciate your perspective. We'll have to agree to disagree though.

    The thing is, I am not being extreme. I want to get together with them once a month for lunch, I would love to chat with them once a week. If we are visiting stores around their house, we'll stop by. 

    I'd appreciate a little respect for our space.

     

     
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    Scottish_lassie       Scotland

    I think you need to get your hubby to have a word with her and let her know where the line is, she has to cut the apron strings at some point

     
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    akp0702    June 8, 2012   Raleigh, NC

    @Evie19:  I also may not have an opinion that is popular, and may even sound harsh.  I am very much not a fan of the whole clingy-mother-to-her-son thing.  I think it's a bit off-putting.  I am very fortunate that FMIL is not at all like this with FI, they are a very independent family, have had some hard times in the past decade which sort of caused them to distance themeselevs (not from each other and not for hostile reasons, just because things are very hard for FI's parents and they both work a lot, etc). 

    That being said, I am very much of the opinion that when two people get married, they are now the new family.  I realize people still have other family members and I'm not saying once you get married screw everyone and never see your parents again.  But the obsessive need to gain a sense of fulfillment from your son is--for lack of a better word--kind of creepy IMO.  I think some IL's, regardless of culture, need to understand that they need to let go and let their sons grow into their new families and roles has husbands, because like it or not, MIL's, the wife is now the highest priority, the most important, and the central figure in your son's life. Just like he is now the central figure in her life.  That's how I was raised, and that's what I believe.  I think it's very apporpirate to set boundaries.  I think your compromise to have a set amount of time to visit them for lunchest, etc, is a really good step.  I think with clingy mom's like his, if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile.  If she is just calling to worry him or talk about nonsense, or lay a bit of a guilt trip that they don't see you enough, etc.  It's your marriage and it's about what makes you comfortable

     
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    lefeymw    April 16, 2011   CT

    Well it depends totally on you if this is too much. I can see why you would think so, but I dont think so.

    I talk to my mom usually once a day and sometimes more than that. I talk to MIL often and if we lived within driving distance I would guarantee that we would see them at least once a week. That is what family is to me. 

    I also get that some people just ask questions that seem totally too prying, but they usually come from the right place. This is just how they interact. My aunt is like this and it doesnt bother me, but drives my mom bonkers.

     

     
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    MrsMeNow    September 18, 2010   Wisconsin

    I definately think the boundries you are suggesting are reasonable. Have DH casually talk to her about the phone calls and not getting upset if he doesn't answer. On future trips maybe tell her you will let her know when you land and at that point let her know that cell phones will be off and you will call if you need anything before you get back.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @akp0702:  I completely agree with you.

     

    @lefeymw:  My problem isn't just based on the calling...As I read and respond to the posts here, I realize that it isn't the calls once a day that truly bothers me.

    The root issue is that MIL is looking to be fulfilled from her children (which I think is inappropriate) and gets hurt/upset over DH starting to separate a bit. I resent that and I would like our new life together to be respected...not seen as this sad depressing situation for her.

    It's still early. I'm willing to wait and see how she adapts in the next few weeks. 

     
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    akp0702    June 8, 2012   Raleigh, NC

    @Evie19:  I've always thought the saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all of her life" is accurate.  I am NOT saying that a man needs to cut ties with all of his family after marriage, but I don't think there is room in a man's life for two women to be top priority for him.  And I think it's natural, expected, and approrpiate for that top-priority role to be filled by his wife.  I think otherwise, he is setting himself up for animosity between his mom and his wife and being pulled in different directions.  I think it's unfair and kind of weird for mothers to expect their sons to still see them in the same "my mom is the most important woman in my life" way that they did when they weren't attached/younger. 

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @akp0702:  I'll say it again...I totally 100% agree with what you are saying. Amen!!!

     
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    prettygtink    September 15, 2012   Ohio

    If talking to her once a day is alot, then there is something seriously wrong with FI and I. I talk to my mom 3 times a day min. and he talks to his mom probably more.

     
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    TwoCityBride    April 1, 2013  

    @elvie19 I think you and your Fi should absolutely do what works for you

     

    As for the conversation about how families function. Both Fi and I have one parent from another country. Both of us have remarked about how differently each side of the family communicates. What a lot of Americans misconstrue as clingy is normal for their culture. Just because someone has that type of relationship with their family, it doesn't mean that its unhealthy. In other countries family is the center of peoples lives, and when people get married its more about joining and mixing and becoming a bigger family, rather then it being about the married couple  becoming their own family. I'm closer to my dads side of the family and I like how they operate better, doesn't mean I don't love my mom relatives I understand that for them its normal.

     

    I think in intercultural marriages of course the couples should do what works for them. However they have to learn to comprise, some people want less contact with their family and that fine as long as it their choice. I think finding a fair comprise, like knowing that your spouse needs more space so you don't always take them when visiting the in laws. Try to be considerate of your partner and make shorter quicker visits.

    For me personally I don't care how much Fi talks to his mother, I cannot cook Cuban food and while Fi cooks it very well he loves his mother cooking. I'm not going to die if one day a week he goes over there to eat. I have cocktails and go for apps regularly with coworkers and friends. I also don't think its a big deal if we don't eat dinner together once or twice a week.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @prettygtink:  Im not saying its wrong for others to do this if it is OK for them. Whatever works for each couple!

    For me personally, it isn't. And FI seems pretty annoyed about it too.

     
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    MrsBroccoli    September 8, 2012   Maryland

    You said you have a Sunday meal once a month? Maybe make it the second Sunday of each month or some sort of standing appointment with them. Otherwise, have a serious talk laying down the law, "You can't call this much. We love you but we're starting our lives. We want a strong and lasting relationship like you have with your husband. We need privacy. We will no longer answer the phone more than _____" and set a limit. 

    My FMIL is a cling ball. Her mother was her best and only friend so she wanted her only child, my FI, to be her best friend. When that failed, she tried to get me to be her BFF. Now she just tries to guilt us 24/7 about everything we've ever done to wrong her in an effort to get us to visit. We visit 1 time per month and are getting phone calls down to 2 times a month. 

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @MrsBroccoli:  Ugh Im so sorry you had to deal with that behavior. SO aggravating.

    It's great you and DH banded together to set boundaries.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    sorry dbl post

     
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    TwoCityBride    April 1, 2013  

    A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all of her life

    I completely disagree with this double standard. Why should a daughters relationship be any different then the sons relationship with their parent? I also am not approaching marriage with the viewpoint that I`m in competition with my FMIL, she is a priority in her sons life as she should be. His relationship with his mother is own. Are things going to change for both of us now that we getting married, yes and it should.

     I have four brothers and two sisters in law. I see how unfair it can be to the Mother of the Groom. My Mom has a good relationship with only one of my sister in law, and even with her its completely unfair how her mother gets treated vs how my mom gets treated, when it comes to the grand kids and the weddings. She has boundaries for our family which is fine but I find it hypocritical that she dosen`t have those same boundaries for her side of the family.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @TwoCityBride:But the dynamic is different. The reason I agree to a degree with this statement is because the dynamic of a mother-son relationship is not compatible with a wife-husband dynamic. 

    Of course, no one here is saying for sons to cut off ties with their mothers! I actually love DH's mother and we both intend on including her as a big part of our lives!

    All we want is some space and for everyone's priorities to shift. I don't think this is too much to ask.

     
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    akp0702    June 8, 2012   Raleigh, NC

    Exactly--the dynamic is totally different.  A daughter's relationship with her mother is entirely different than a son's relationship with his.  Nor am I saying that a son should just totally shut his mom out, but IMO, it's not healthy for it to be exactly the same as before he was married.  I'm not saying a husbands mom shouldn't matter to him, but I don't think she should be a high of a priority as she maybe once was.  I think that's reasonable and expected.  Even my own FMIL is aware of this.  She's said many times before that she realizes that the dynamic shifts after marriage and the twosome family becomes a priority, and that is just the cycle of life.

    ETA: I am not saying a woamn should steal her husband away from his family..but think of what a husbands role is traditionally in a marriage.  He assmes a role of provider and man-of-the-house (to some, some people really don't agree with this view, but it's my opinion), he can't continue to be mommy's little boy and cater to her every need when she needs it.  if I were a mother, I think I would be prepared for that and want him to do that.  If I had raised him to be a nurtuing, caring man who would be a wonderful husband, I wouldn't expect him to be required to talk to me about his every move, meal, thought, etc.  I also woudln't guilt him for not seeing me enough.  I'd be happy that he was putting the time and effort into cultivating a healthy and strong bond in his marriage.  I just think mothers' need to back off and understand that their role has changed as well...not just their son's.

     
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    kay01    May 27, 2012   NH/VT

    What I don't think is problematic:

    • Saying I hope you don't forget us.  It was politely said, she knows you're starting a new chapter of your life, and she's hoping she'll be a major part.  (She was right to be concerned, since you are immediately seeking to change things and limit interactions!)
    • Calling on the honeymoon is really not that big of a deal - it was only twice, you could have just ignored the calls....
    • Offering food was just courteous.  He can refuse.

    Please don't misunderstand, I had a hard time creating boundaries with my FMIL.  We were dating about 2.5 years when I moved in.  She used to:

    • Come over, sort through his recycling (including papers), remove and shred/recycle paper, cans, bottles.  I didn't want her going through my personal papers.
    • Clean the house, do the dishes every time she came over.  I didn't want this negative reflection on my housekeeping (even though she acknowledged it wasn't me, she did it because her son was being lazy and not helping ever!  She claims she didn't teach him that...but she was enabling him!).
    • Take his car in to be inspected, oil changed, repaired, etc. 

    FI explained why that bothered me and she stopped for the most part (although she kept offering to do things for a while.)  What I struggled with but we kept:

    • Weekly meals with her where he brings over his laundry to do.  I like to wind down on Sunday evenings, so I did get FI to switch time to Sunday lunch instead of Sunday dinner.  We live half an hour away.
    • They talk very frequently.  She even calls me about once a week over something.  To my view, this is far healthier than a prior bf that swore at his mother and hung up on her!  I did get him to change the time to things like when he's walking home by himself (which is when I tend to call my parents!).

    Mainly, I've tried to be understanding that she doesn't have any other people (friends, husband) nor hobbies.  It's just FI and his sibs who live far away.  It's not healthy, but it's not going to change and I need to respect that she devoted a lot of time and effort to raising 3 kids by herself with several jobs after she left an abusive ex-husband and got virtually no support from the state (she even had to pay ex-husband for MORE than his share of the house they lived in previously).  [On the up side, during wedding planning process, I've truly appreciated she wants what makes us happy and is the ONLY person in this process that hasn't complained about something or demanded anything.  Her only wish was that she not be placed at the same table as her abusive ex-husband, well, of course!] 

    I get that the freakout over not calling every day would be super annoying.  I think DH needs to address that directly and gently with her, and be persistent.  It would also likely help if he saw her a little more often, and maybe sometimes without you.  I don't think a meal every other week is that much (although every week I confess does get annoying).  Also consider sending him over to have a meal with her by himself.  Just because you are married and newlywed doesn't mean you have to do everything together!  Enjoy some time apart too and it'll make the time together more special.

     
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    TwoCityBride    April 1, 2013  

    I want to make it clear that my comments weren't about your relationship specifically, just about the larger conversation about families and in laws. I don't think you are being unreasonable with your mil.

     I don't see how the dynamics are different, I have four brothers and I am the only girl.  I don't think I'm a favorite or my relationship is wildly different then that of my brothers and mother. How is different? I seen Daughters have clingy close relationships with their mothers, I seen self proclaim daddies girls.

     I think boundaries are needed and expected in a relationship between parents and their married kids. I think the couple have a right to make those decisions if they both are on same page, and if they aren't on same page then comprise and find something that works for both spouses.

     
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    Captain013    March 2012  

    My FI's mom used to call him everyday - at night - to make sure he got home safely and had dinner. If there was some sort of accident anywhere near our college she would call to make sure he was okay. It was crazy werid. I was annoyed and I admit I made fun of him.

    Eventually he stopped answering the phone (one night she called like 10 times). Slowly started not calling her back. She got the hint. She doesn't call or text much anymore... only when she has something to actually say other than, "Hi. How are youuu?"

    Slowly he needs to wean her off, so I'd trust him to handle it on his own.

    Good luck :)

     
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    Eight6Eleven    August 6, 2011   Pittsburgh

    @akp0702:  I DO agree 100% with what you said, and that phrase "A son is a son..."  Very well put.

    When a man marries, his wife should become the #1 woman in his life, not his mother. No offense to mothers, but some have a very hard time accepting that their son is all grown up and needs space to spread his wings and become a married adult individual. Obviously this dosen't mean he never needs to speak to the poor lady ever again, but I really don't need to spell that out, hopefully. Undecided

    Evie, it really sounds like he needs to set some boundaries with the parents. It got kinda weird with DH and I's situation with his parents for a while. We saw them every. single. weekend. Either he'd want to go up there, or she'd want to come down to our house. His dad stopped at the house every Friday on his way home from work to hang out and listen to our stereo (DH and he are both high end audio nerds).  I finally had to put my foot down and say "No parents this weekend, babe. Just us". He agreed. Friendly and interested parents are a blessing (better than having abusive dickhead inlaws, right?!) but limits need to be set for it to be a healthy relationship. Good luck. I hope everything works out.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @kay01:  You had a lot to sort out! Glad you found away to set boundaries while still being sensitive and accomodating somewhat to your MIL.

    I respectfully disagree with you about certain things not being a big deal.

    Hearing "don't forget us" is not just a harmless comment- it indicates a mentality that expects a certain amount of clingyness and needyness that I think is inappropriate.

    Calling on the honeymoon to me is just strange. I just see that differently. We called them at the airport. I think she could have handled 6 days without bothering us during our brief romantic trip.

    And repeatedly asking DH to eat at her house when she knew I cooked for him on our first night at the house together...so wrong. She didnt say it just once- she kept trying to convince him. So. Wrong.

     
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    akp0702    June 8, 2012   Raleigh, NC

    @Eight6Eleven:  Great example about how you set the boundaries. 

    I don't want anyone to skew what I'm saying--I am not saying a woman's relationship with her family shouldn't change, only the son's.  But a daughter does have a different relationship with her parents.  I am very close to my parents.  We live about 10 minutes away from them.  They often will ask us over for dinner, to bring the dog, and to try some of FI's homebrews.  FI is also very close with my parents because my family's dynamic is much different and stronger than his.  He feels as though my family is his family and makes up for some of what his family lacks.  I really like that.  I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

    That being said, FI has asid before "I really don't feel like going over there tonight" and I say, okay, that's fine.  And I'll tell my parents.  They have absolutely no problem with it.  Or, sometimes I'm the one that doesn't feel like going.  No one guilts us, no one complains taht they don't see me/us enough.  But I think the nature of a woman's personality lends itself to the "a daguther is a daughter all of her life" being accurate.  A woman has the capacity to nurture all of her loved ones in her life (and sometimes, that even includes her elderly in-laws later in life).  A man doesn't always necessarily have that capacity and his focus shifts to being the best, strongest husband and maybe even father that he can be.  Again, I think it's just the cycle of life.

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @TwoCityBride:  I understand what you are saying and I genuinely appreciate your input and different perspective.

    I still think the dynamics are different with mother and son than mother and daughter. 

     

    @Captain013:  DH gets off the phone with his mom really quick and sometimes doesn't answer. He is hoping she'll get the hint too!

     

    @Eight6Eleven:  Thanks! I trust him to set boundaries if this continues.

     

     

     
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    kay01    May 27, 2012   NH/VT

    @Evie19:  We can agree to disagree, and I'll still share my very hard-earned advice with you.  :) 

    1, 2, & 3. Pick your battles.  I mean really think hard about what is most important to you - one or two things.  Her coming over to what was now my place too and taking over and cleaning was the most frustrating things for me, so that's what I worked on.  After you fix one thing, take a good breather then work on the next.

    4. Work at compromises.  Maybe he can call when you're not around (instead of having her call him - and interrupt dinner time or other moments), or go over for a meal without you.  (I remember one day when she called ME about 5 times.)

    5. Get your husband on board and agree to any game plan and to *stick by it*.  You don't want to turn it into ILs v. DIL.  You've got 20-30+ years ahead of you, so you want to start the relationship off right, but you also don't want to ruin it early in! 

    6. Try to be understanding, as much as you are screaming internally.  (Venting to girlfriends greatly helps in this regard - it also gives you a temperature guage for whether you are being reasonable or not, if this is something you should stand up for or you should let it go.)  Just try to remember these people raised the person you love.

     
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    bearlove    July 1, 2012  

    Hahaha, I've had sort of this problem only with FSIL. The weird thing is, FI doesn't really feel close to his sister, and is just as confused by how frequently she calls. She also calls at weird parts of the day--when she knows we're at work, right during dinner, past midnight on a weekday. If FI doesn't answer, she calls me..then FI again, then me again to leave a voicemail asking what we're up to that means we can't answer the phone.

    I pretty much stopped the weird hours calling by sometimes answering the phone and just saying "hi, sorry, at work/asleep/eating and cannot speak now, call you later, bye" and hanging up. FI had never been able to do that, and always got sucked into a ten min conversation explaining why he couldn't speak at that moment because she wouldn't get off the phone!  The only thing I never tried (despite it being true a lot) was "hey FSIL can't talk right now, we're mid-sex and you keep interrupting us"

     
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    Vitsippa    October 10, 2010  

    I agree, set boundries now! My in-laws are very used to having their sons come over every weekend, for hours at a time. When I first moved here, I went along with it - tried to not rock the boat ... there was a time when we could not do our laundry because his parents would want us to come over and it only left us time for either grocery shopping or laundry and eating always won out! For the first year we lived together, we didn't have a weekend to ourselves! If we did, we had to schedule it in advance to make sure we had plans before they called -- which is so difficult with unpredictable weather!!!

    Looking back now, I should have set boundries a long time ago! Instead I kept it in and tried to adjust and it slowly ate at me. How can they not understand that we needed time for ourselves? They have no idea how close it was for BOTH of us to move to another continent just to get time alone! And like you, my Mom is the exact opposite, so I really didn't get it.

    It took a lot of stress, grief, patience, and plain resolve to work it out and it's still a work in progress! DH loves his family and is much closer to them than I am with my Mom, and that's one of the reasons why we chose to live here vs my hometown, but he understands that we need time for our family too. MIL has started to understand that her son now has a family of his own, which is nice. But I still feel it's a delicate balance.

    I wish we set things straight ages ago - it would have saved me so much grief! And yes, calling everyday would drive me nuts! I think it's great that your husband is willing to set things straight, that's something my husband would definitely not do - his way is to just ignore it until it goes away. Sigh.

     

     
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    kay01    May 27, 2012   NH/VT

    I also forgot to share a story of how FMIL's paranoia about FI not answering his calls from her may have fixed it a little:

    I am in the nail salon, getting my nail done because I believe this weekend is when he's going to propose.  As the nails are drying I get a call from her...she can't reach him, she got a call from their insurance company, he was trying to send something over from the ring store and he sent the paper in upside down (blank).... 

    Apparently he left his cell and work phone in the car for 5 minutes when he went to pick up the rings, she called him and panicked.  As a result, I knew 100% he had picked up the ring (I had known it was ready, he told me) and was getting it insured (a pre-req before giving it to me because I lose things) and thus 99.9% positive we would be getting engaged that weekend.  She told her other son about this and even HE said "oh they are getting engaged, don't call Kay01!".  I didn't tell FI this story until after he had proposed, because I didn't want him getting upset.  He wasn't thrilled when he heard.  He teased her about it, and I think that helped relax her about it in the future, knowing her paranoia had rather given the game away...

     
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    Evie19    January 21, 2012  

    @kay01:  I actually really appreciate your advice. "Pick your battles" is something I definitely need to keep in mind.

    DH and I are all about the game plan and being a team. That really makes me a lot calmer about the whole situation.

     

     

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