Post # 1
MIL is a very nice woman. She’s not the prying type in general, and H doesn’t really share too many details of our life – I guess in contrast to me and my mom. My mom is the kind that would ask after H and I were dating one month, “Does he want kids?” She asks nosey questions all the time. MILs I think has never asked big stuff!
I’m 36, we just got married 5 months ago. We don’t plan on having kids. I guess it’s not something you really annouce to family, KWIM?
On several occasions, she has said to me, “Well you’re not getting any younger!” with her arms akimbo, hands on her hips. Or if babies are the topic, she’ll say to ME, “By the way, you’re kind of behind on that plan!”
In my younger years, I would have been irate about these things. At my age now, it doesn’t really bother me albeit it is a little awkward. But at some point are we supposed to break the news to her that she’s not getting any grandkids from us? I think she’ll start crying! I thought H made enough comments well before me that one would get the drift.
So say something (like, “oh kids aren’t in our plan”) – or just laugh it off like I have been and avoid a crying scene?
Post # 3
@sienna76: To avoid a crying scene. Have your DH break the news to her 🙂
Post # 4
@sienna76: I would just tell her that you two took a vote and decided to skip that part….let her cry all she wants, no one owes their parents grandchildren.
Post # 5
can you tell her that your doctor told you that you can’t have kids? maybe that would help her back off and not bug you about it. i dont think she could have too many comebacks for that sort of thing.
Post # 6
I’d laugh it off or go with a “we’ll see” or “who knows” type of ambiguous answer, then change the subject:)
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@bummbledbee: I don’t think lying is the way to go about it.
Just tell her that you don’t want them, your DH can do it or the two of you can do it together. It doesn’t matter if she cries.
Post # 8
@RoyalLime: +1 Honesty is always the best policy, but that doesn’t mean you have to be there for it!
Post # 9
At some point you need to tell her. Preferably your husband should do it. If you don’t want kids and people are asking, I don’t see why it’s a big deal to tell them you aren’t going to have them. If she cries, that’s not your problem. It seems kind of mean to keep her in suspense thinking it may happen soon, and kinder to let her know it’s not in the cards.
I would absolutely not lie to her and say you can’t – that’s just a recipe for her arranging IVF appointments or sending you adoption brochures. Or worse, pitying you and making sad comments and hushing other people up when they talk about children around you. That would be sooooooooo much more awkward.
Post # 10
I have some thoughts about saying “we’re not having any.” What if there is an oopsie baby, and then everyone goes, “Oh she hates kids and now she’s going to be a mom – sheesh poor kid!”
(Note: we’re not even 100% sure what we’d do with an oopsie.)
Post # 11
@sienna76: Well, you can always say “Right now we are not planning on ever having any children. That could change in the future but for now we don’t consider it part of our plans and would prefer not to discuss it. If we ever change our minds, our parents will be the first to know.” That kind of leaves the door open for the future… if you want to.
Post # 12
I would just say something like, “Hmmm, well we’re not even sure if we’ll be having kids yet….so I guess we’ll all see if it happens when it happens!”
Post # 13
+1 to all those saying just tell her/leave it ambiguous. It’s really none of her business, and yeah, you don’t owe her any grandkids.
I definitely would not tell her that you can’t have kids — that changes the situation entirely. What’s to stop her from then pushing adoption, surrogacy, etc…? It will not stop there. You guys don’t want kids and that’s completely valid and wonderful in its own way. Lying about it implies that there’s something wrong with your decision, which there isn’t!
Post # 14
I would wink and say “we’re working on it!”. THAT usually shuts them up!
Post # 15
@sienna76: This is a hard one. i think honesty is the best policy here. Next time she says something just say lightly -oh we’re not planning on having kids-.
Me and SO are on the fence about kids. How did you decide not to have any? Did you always know? And how is it being childfree when all your friends have kids?
Sorry for all the questions and feel free to not answer or to pm me, I just like hearing experiences of people who don’t have kids.
Post # 16
@walnutgirl: Sure I’ll PM you!
I think H needs to just say something to her in private. Actually we had a talk with SIL (H’s sister) one day while out visiting, like, “Does mom know we aren’t having kids? Because you won’t believe what she said today!” So maybe she’ll have a little convo with her. She already has two grandbabies from SIL!