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You know typically, female relatives and close family friends are invited to the shower, especially if they live in the same town! It gives them the chance to met the Bride before the Big Day!
I thought the same...invited to the wedding, invited to the shower. Have you tried telling her how you feel about it?
You should have their addresses from the guest list...I would invite them anyway. If they are her "best friends" they would like a chance to meet you and welcome you to their lives.
I think you're right. They should be invited. In fact, they might feel slighted if they get an invite to the wedding and not the shower. Maybe your FMIL isn't aware of the etiquette either, it might be worth another convo about it.
Perhaps she's trying to be considerate of your BMs, who are presumably paying for the shower. She might also feel awkward asking people with whom she is not close to come to a party for someone they don't know bearing gifts. I can see why she might worry that it would look a bit grasping.
Not necessarily. Usually only close family and friends are invited. I excluded a lot of the women who are being invited to the wedding,as many are wives of some friends or girlfriends of some nephews.
I didn't really let her know that I was kind of offended. It's a sensitive subject in a way because I feel like if I say anything it makes me sound like a greedy brat (of course, I could in fact be a greedy brat). I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't totally wrong that local female guests are generally invited to the shower. I don't think that she's ashamed of me, although her shower guest list would make you think so.
My MIL did this to me and FI and I decided that we would invite them ourselves then. She didn't want to put people on the spot because she just had her daughter's wedding. We figure if they don't come, they don't come but we didn't want people who are very close to the family and FI to think we decided not to invite them to the shower.
There are no hard and fast rules about shower invites. Some etiquette guides will tell you to invite the groom's mom and close relatives only, others say all relatives. The shower is supposed to be about the bride and bride's family, so usually FMIL's friends would not be invited. Some people still invite all female wedding guests, but that doesn't seem to be common (from my personal research/experience).
So it sounds like you and FMIL are coming from different traditions - neither of you is wrong per se. I can definitely understand why you are upset though. Maybe explain to her that you are throwing a big shower for all female wedding guests and see if there's any reason she would be against having them there.
Final note - she might not want to appear gift-grabby to her friends. Again, if big showers are NOT the norm in their circle, maybe you should respect FMIL's wish.
I would respect her wishes and not be offended. It is likely that she is basing her decision on what events of her friends she was invited to. Maybe she attended all their kids weddings but never their kid's showers.
By the way, I just looked through a ton of websites while figuring out guest list for my own shower, and none of them said that all the local female guests have to be invited. Here are some links I found helpful.
http://weddings.ivillage.com/etiquette/bridalshowers/0,,1kw6,00.html
http://weddings.about.com/od/theweddingparty/a/showerbasics.htm
On the plus side, at least your FMIL is coming to the shower...mine isn't. Like @mnmgirl08 & @roxy821, I'm for inviting them anyway...you've got their addresses & it's your party...go for it!
On the plus side, at least your FMIL is coming to the shower...mine isn't. Like @mnmgirl08 & @roxy821, I'm for inviting them anyway...you've got their addresses & it's your party...go for it!
I can understand that maybe not every local female guest would be invited, but it still surprises me that she doesn't have ANYONE that she would want to invite. Her friend's son is getting married the week before we are and she's going to that shower.
In my pondering, I remember her saying a couple of weeks ago why don't we have the shower at her house. The bridesmaids have planned it for the community room at an apartment complex that one of my bridesmaids managed (it's very nice). I said that it was their plan and I was happy with it. I'm wondering if she doesn't think that our plans are fancy enough. Her house is a huge mansion in a prestigious neighborhood. Perhaps the community room (which her daughter, who is a bridesmaid thinks is fine) isn't good enough.
I would be wary of ascribing motives to your FMIL before having an actual conversation.
Are you, personally, acquainted with these women you want her to invite? If not, consider it from their position. They're being asked to attend a party, whose sole purpose is the giving of gifts, for someone they've never met. This on top of whatever expenses are associated with attending the wedding, however minimal. I can see how that might be a bit awkward for all involved.
I understand where you're coming from, but I personally would lean more towards your FMIL's side on this one. If my FMIL had wanted to invite friends who I barely knew to MY shower, I would not have been all that happy. Showers are traditionally for close friends and family. Perhaps she also didn't want to add to the headcount for the shower.
I can see why you feel like, "why are these people so close to you that you need to invite them to the wedding, but not close enough to invite to the shower?" But I agree with people who say to respect her wishes, and don't invite them.
First if you go beind her back and simply invite people from your wedding list, it will not sit well with FMIL. And your relationship with her, is more important than these other women who you might never see again. You don't want to start on the wrong foot.
Also, while I'm sure it's tempting to contemplate why she might not want to invite them (is she being snooty? She's going to someone else's shower) try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she does know the bride better than her friends know you. Maybe she doesn't want to go, and wishes they didn't invite her, but feels obligated. IDK. But try not to read too much into it. It won't help the situation.
And just to make sure, I think some posters might have the etiquette backwards. You're supposed to invite everyone who's invited to the shower, to the wedding. You are not required to invite everyone from the wedding, to the shower. I believe that's regardless of local or OOT. In fact from what I've read on showers, they are supposed to be relatively small. I think the numbers are no more than 40. (Although I personally can see showers a bit larger. How do you compare gals with a small family vs. a large family?) But inviting every female who is going to the wedding, to the shower, can come across as gift grabby. If your FMIL and her friends are wedding etiquette junkies, and you're having a large shower, maybe she feels like they'll frown on being invited.
But if for nothing else, I would not invite them, to stay in your FMIL's good graces.
There's no question - I certainly wouldn't invite them against her wishes. It's a small wedding (around 60) and a small shower (around 15). I guess I'm just having bridal stress syndrome. As it is, about 70% of the total guest list for the wedding are her friends and family. But to not have even one person - not even a family member, other than the daughter who is in the wedding just strikes me as odd. I don't even care about gifts - it's totally the principle of the thing. Of course, this is probably just my way of expressing my overall exasperation at the overall MIL pains - like having to figure out what to feed her gluten-free vegan friend who "may not" like mushrooms.
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This is one of those "Am I wrong to be somewhat offended?" posts. My bridesmaids are planning a bridal shower for me next month. I provided my sister (the MOH) with my list and then called my FMIL to ask who she would like to invite. She said that she didn't have anyone to invite. I went through all of the local people that she had invited. To each was a response along the lines of "oh, I don't see her that often....." Ok, so you don't feel like you should trouble these people with an invitation to the bridal shower, but my paying for them to come to wedding is just fine (I am paying for the entire wedding by myself - her son is a graduate student - literally, I am paying for it totally, completely myself).
I'm just a little flabberghasted (and not sure whether that word is supposed to have an "h"). It kind of hurts my feelings. These women are her "best friends." Is it not customary for any of the groom's guests to be invited to a shower? I had always thought that if a woman was local and invited to the wedding, that absent Groomsmen's plus one of the week, she would be invited to the shower.