Post # 1
I would love to have an outside perspective on this…
Over three months ago we put together our wedding list. Our venue has a minimum of 160 people and we are trying to hit that exactly considering it is $205 per person. I ordered invites based on this number and booked the florist based on this number. Yesterday my future MIL called my fiance and said that she had 15 people she wanted to add to the wedding list. Turns out she had spoken to my mother and realized that the invites had come in and she had just “forgotten” to add these people in the rush of everything. (Which again was 3 months ago). Our budget is already massive and I cannot afford to add any more people to our list. Not to mention, his side of the family hasnt contributed any money thus far after promising 10k which I found out tonight we will not get until AFTER the wedding. And heres the kicker, she doesnt want to have a rehearsal dinner because she says it is a jewish ceremony and why would we have one. Which I believe to be because she doesnt want to pay for it. And yet in the midst of telling me about these financial difficulties she asked me to book her room for the wedding at the hotel my FH and I will we staying at. (Which is more expensive that the hotel rooms I blocked for the guests at a different hotel.. which my family is staying at to save money.)
My family has contributed over 30k thus far and now it is left to my fiance and I to save the rest which we were fine with. Now we have to save up an extra 10k prior to the wedding because we were expecting it as a gift from his family BEFORE the wedding when all payments are due.
Is it wrong of me to tell her that Im sorry but her extra guests cannot be invited? Is it wrong that I am upset about her reluctance to throw a rehearsal dinner? I cant help but feel that she is being selfish but maybe its me.
I feel like Im being an ass…. but I feel like its justified.
Post # 3
You are not being an ass! She has had plenty of time to “remember” those 15 people. Tell her if she really wants to add them then she needs to cut 15 people that you have already added (unless you have already addressed the invitations–but then again it may be cheaper to by new envelopes). Tell her that bedsides the budget you really wouldnt have a choice anyway because everything is already planned. its too late to change anything.
I have had trouble getting both families to give me names so i ordered 300 invitations and that is that. no more than that. she may not be happy but she will have no choice. do not give her any choice just tell her how it is!
You are completely right in being upset about the rehearsal dinner. who DOESNT do a rehearsal dinner is my question. I have also had zero feed back on rehearsal dinner…It is supposedly happening but i have not heard of any planning nor have i been asked for a guest list for that. its very frustrating.
Stand up to her! You can do it!!
Post # 4
I think you should definitely not invite these extra people. After all, it’s your money. The key here is how you deliver this message. Just explain the finances to her and say that the guest list was locked in 3 months ago. If they weren’t important enough to make the cut the first time, why add them now?
ABout the rehearsal dinner, it sounds like if you want one you will have to throw it yourself. I know it’s not as fun, but it doesn’t sound like she wants to help out with that either.
Post # 5
Tell her to take a loan from the bank or a line of credit now to help you with the 10K she promised and that way when she somehow has the 10K after your wedding, she can pay the loan off. I cant believe your family has to shell out so much money? You would think that your MIL would feel a tad sad that she cannot help out.. almost embarrassed, and then she has thenerve to want to stay at your hotel.. not only unfair bc of the cost, but jeeez, its your wedding night!! Where’s the privacy?
Post # 6
If those people are a 3 month after thought, I feel like they aren’t important enough to spend that much money on. No way would I invite them!
Um, I’m Jewish and I’ve never heard that we’re not supposed to have a rd. I’ve been to lots of them for Jewish weddings. But it’s not like you can force her to throw one, so I agree with april30, maybe you can throw your own.
Post # 7
I agree with the others except that I think your FI needs to be the one to speak up, not you. He should be the one addressing his mother, especially with the financial issues.
Sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 8
i think that you have the right to say no to her additional guests. there’s nothing wrong with that as she’s late in telling you and financially it isn’t possible.
as for the rehearsal, i think if you really want one, you should throw it yourself. couples now a days don’t really follow etiquette on who’s suppose to throw a rehearsal dinner, they just plan it themselves if no one volunteers.
Post # 9
Agreed, have your finace speak with her. I don’t think you should have to invite those people, especially since you were very clear about the number you wanted to include. Maybe you could offer her a plan b for those guests, as in if there ends up being room then you could invite them at that point. Unless they are family then that is awkward. While I suppose she technically doens’t have to throw a rehearsal dinner she should just say that rather than what she said. puts you in an awkward positions. Sorry about all the drama
Post # 10
Technically his parents aren’t required to give you anything. If she had never agreed to do a rehearsal dinner then you can’t force her to, no matter what kind of tradition there is for the grooms family to do it. As for the 10,000, since they told you they’d give it to you and are now backing off- that sucks. I agree with milesbella that your FI should be the one to talk to them about it- and the extra guests issue. And I agree that you shouldn’t invite the extra guests- stick with the ‘we’re already at capacity’ line instead of ‘its 200/ plate line’ though, because otherwise she’ll just say she’ll give you the money and then possibly not.
Post # 11
@milesbella: Absolutely right! Your intended needs to handle his family. BTW, I wouldn’t count on EVER getting that $10k. Just assume you are going to be paying for that as well as the rehearsel dinner.
Post # 12
I think you are in the right and she is being selfish. If having those extra people at your wedding is so important to her than she wouldn’t have forgotten them in the first place. I don’t think you should count on the 10k she said she’d give you as a present AFTER the wedding. First of all, that promise could fall through (just saying in general, you didn’t give any indication that she wouldn’t keep her word), and second it’s supposed to be a gift. You shouldn’t have to spend it on her friends, because doing so means it is not a gift since you are not getting a choice on how you want to spend the money.
I know my wedding list is going to keep growing so I made a rule in the beginning since FI and I are paying for everything and no one has offered to help. We set a limit to how many people we want to invite. These are people who we are closest to and couldn’t imagine sharing our day without (plus a few distant family members who we have to invite out of obligation). If any of our family members come up with extra people not on our initial list then I’m sorry to say it but they are not important enough to us since they didn’t make the first cut, and if our family wants them there than they will have to pay for them. Sometimes you just have to draw a line so things don’t get out of hand.
As for your MIL not wanting to pay for the rehearsal dinner, well I guess if you really want one you will have to pay for it. I know it sucks to have one more thing to plan and also pay for, but if she hasn’t offered to help you can’t force her to. I don’t think I will be having a standard RD for the same reason. My MIL said she wants to just get together at MY house the night before the wedding and order food and have the RD there. I think it will be too stressful to host so many people at that time for me, plus I will also have to pay so I’ve chosen to not have one. So I feel you on that one.
About the hotel room, politely tell her that you are over budget and can’t pay for the more expensive room, so she will be staying in the same hotel with your other guests. I’m sure it is still a nice place. She’ll just have to live with it.
Post # 13
noo—i dont think you’re being an ass. heres a potential idea….send your invites out & you have an rsvp date. tell her if there are 15 ppl that dont rsvp then she can just verbally invite these ppl or you can & just say sorry_________ forgot to put you on the invitation list, but you’re invited!! idk maybe thats kind of an ass hole kinda thing to do. haha…
Post # 14
It’s very inappropriate for her to be inviting extras at this point and understandable you don’t want to send extra invites. I’d politely tell her ‘no’ or get your FI to tell her.
If she doesn’t want a rehearsal dinner then I think you should accept that. Although people are often gracious when things are given to them, they fail to find acceptance when they aren’t given things. I would let this go rather than having one yourself.
Post # 15
If she just thought of these 15 people i am sure they are not that important. You are not wrong for being mad. Do not invite them.