Weddingbee boards

I'm not trying to be rude here, but honestly what is the deal with everyones sense of entitlement about baby showers, weddings, and everything else?  Why not just buy the things you and your husband need yourself instead of getting angry that people aren't buying what you want?  I'm not trying to call you a brat, I understand the frustration, but I guess I don't understand why you would make such a big deal out of how she choses to spend her own money.

I agree about the entire she won't call you directly thing though. My mother does that to my husband and it absolutely drives him insane.  However, do you thinks he doesn't call you because you seem less than enthused about the nice things she's trying to do?

I'd just stop the frustration now by making plans to purchase what you need yourself and be thankful about the gifts you do receive for your LO during your shower, Homemade or not.

Haha I LOVE the MIL stories! They crack me up. Ide say just let her do her thing. Most people get alot on their registry anyway. I would say tell her green and yellow will be the theme but maybe you dont want her to know that so she will be forced to buy an item off your registry.  Although it would be nice to get a big item off it from MIL. It is what it is. Good luck! Tell your Hubby to tell her you want somethign off the registry!

As a person that crochet's, I understand why she wants to make you things.  I always make afghans for my friends when they are pregnant, but I also buy items off of their registry, too.  Even if I can only buy a can of formula or a few small items, it's still something that they need.  I hate giving them just an afghan, while it is special, it isn't as useful as most of the registry items are.  Can you suggest to her that she try to do both?  Even if she gets something small, it's still something. 

@ilovenycmissie: I have a hard time with this; being gracious is of course how I try to act, even if the gift is not quite what we want.  But its hard when I know people are spending a lot of money on things that we know we are not going to use. 

It's easy enough when something can be returned i.e. we got a Keurig for our bridal shower, but we already have a great coffee pot, and I registered for a tea pot.  I thanked the giver, wrote a nice thank you note and we returned it to get some things we needed for the kitchen.

BUT what do you do when you get a ton of handmade stuff that you have to store?  My FI and I aren't even married, but in the last 3 years, we've received three blankets from family members.  They're great, but we live in a tiny apartment and can't store them.  We've kept them all, but if we get a fourth, I don't know what we'll do.

Ultimately, I just feel horrible when I know that I'm just going to get rid of something because we just don't need it/have the room for it.  I just wish gift giving wasn't such a touchy subject.  My parents are great about asking what we really want, and I LOVE getting gift cards to the grocery store, gas station and cash.  His parents on the other hand won't do it on principle, and give us gift cards to restaurants we don't go to...

@emersynsmommy35: EXACTLY!

Can your FI just flat out tell her that you guys don't want/need that stuff?  Sometimes being direct works?

the TV in our living room died on us a few months back, and now my dad is convinced that we need a new one.  We don't watch that much TV and honestly haven't noticed it missing from our lives.  We do not want a new TV.  My dad mentioned for a month about how he was going to get us a new TV because we need one. I flat out said "we do not want one and I will return it if we get one".  And I haven't heard it mentioned again.  I was just frustrated that he felt he knew better than me what we needed/wanted in our own home, so I decided being direct was the only way.  That won't quite work with handmade stuff, but maybe taking a more direct approach?  "mom, we only have room for x amount of blankets?"

The most useful advice I have ever read anywhere: "You cannot change anyone's behavior but your own." You say that your MIL doesn't want to deal directly with you--you can't make her. You say your husband "doesn't know" what the baby needs--you can tell him, but otherwise you can't make him understand and communicate how you want him to with his mother.

All you can change is your own behavior and how you react to your MIL. I understand that you are frustrated--as a bride who didn't register anywhere for her wedding, I have received my share of gifts that are not really up my alley. My husband and I don't drink wine, yet we received 14 bottles of wine and a crystal wine coaster from a group of well-meaning people. I use the coaster as a candy dish and have hostess gifts for the next 14 parties I attend. :)

You have to take the long view--your MIL will be the baby's grandmother, and the less animosity there is between the adults, the better off the kid will be. Too many hand-knit tchotkes are a drop in the bucket. Continue to be gracious, and don't try to make her give something else when she clearly doesn't want to.

Phantom, well written!!  I agree entirely with this statement.

I have never understood people getting frustrated about not getting what they want from a shower that they aren't hosting for themselves.  I mean, why bother with those feelings?? If you go into it not expecting anything you'll always be happy with the outcome. I have received my fair share of weird gifts from people but usually have a laugh with my husband about it.  I never get angry because I know the person was giving it me from a place of thoughtfulness.

I still stand by the fact that it is the parents decision to have the child, and it should be the parents responsibility to purchase gifts for the needs of their children not expect them or get frustrated at people for not buying specific registry items. You have to fill in the gaps yourself when you have a child.

My sister recently had an unexpected pregnancy and my mother tried assigning registry gifts.  I was offended and thought she behaved in a way  that is completely tasteless and tacky. Who is she to instruct me or anyone else how to spend the money I've earned? Or worse, pre-plan my gift giving for me so there is no thought from me? This is never a route I will never go down.

Regardless, good luck OP.  I think your email sounded nicely written and I hope you have the best of luck!

Your MIL is not going to be the only person giving you gifts, so just accept what she makes graciously and move on! I am sure there are other people who will buy things off your registry. Don't stress yourself out about this. I would be annoyed, though, if she only goes through your husband...because duh, you are the one having the baby, and therefore rather important :)

@Camrie  I think you're taking what I said out of context.  I made that comment specifically in regards to the way my mother handled my sisters baby shower.  Her attempt to assign me a gift was certainly her telling me how to spend my money. How is it not?  If she didn't care, she wouldn't have attempted to muscle everyone into something specific.  Why should it be her place to tell people what to buy? People should buy/give what they feel is appropriate nothing more and nothing less.  I was not trying to imply that ALL registries are people trying to tell others how to spend their money so sorry if I confused anyone there.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this particular topic.  What you consider wasteful spending might be a very thoughtful gift to someone else.   My point is why put all of your eggs in the registry basket and waste any time feeling spiteful/disappointed about something someone did or didn't give you?  I see so many new moms and brides to be obsessive and at times ANGRY that people bought them something besides what they requested.  I just think that is silly!

Also, if no gifts are expected, why register and include the little slip or blurb on the invite where the person is registered? You lost me on that one.

To me, any gift, whether I think it is useful or not is an act of kindness from someone close to me. It is an offering of well wishes for my future child, and I chose to appreciate everything regardless if I thought of it for myself. The gift might not be what I wanted but who always gets what they want? Isn't gift giving supposed to be a surprise?

The issue I have with regisitries is the entitlement everyone seems to get with the gifts they've selected for it.  It is rarely a guide that acts as convinience for your shower guests.  It becomes an "I MUST GET" list and I've never understood that.  So you don't get everything on it, big deal? Your spouse and you should be EXPECTING to fill in the gaps, not angry when someone bought something not on the list.

@Miss Sapphire I get your points entirely.  Sorry for thread hijacking a little.  I guess we just have different opinions on who should be buying what for baby.  I follow a school of thought that DH and I are soley responsible for items we NEED for baby.  I won't be counting on a registry or shower to get me those things.  However, I know that isn't the case for everyone.

As I said previously, GOOD LUCK! I thought the email you sent sounded quite diplomatic and hope she responds well to it !!

Oooh, that's tough!  I'm pretty direct, though, so I'd just tell her that I'm not using a diaper bag.  Better tell her now, than have her wonder why she never sees you use it...

@MrsNeutrino: and @Oribel013690 I don't think the issue was that she wanted to make something for the baby, I think its that she wants to make many many many things in a gendered color that the OP doesn't want.  Getting a handmade item is wonderful! I know that I can count on my grandmother to make beautiful blankets when we start having kids, but if that blanket turned into 6 or 7 different things, then yes I would not appreciate it that much (especially if I had mentioned that we didn't have space/could really only keep 1 or 2). 

A gift is always a great thing, but if someone is going to go to the time and expense of making something (and as a knitter I know how much time these things take and I, too, would feel horrible if my gift wasn't appreciated), but as the recipient, I would feel horrible if I knew that we didn't have the space to keep many different things.  One blanket is not difficult to store, but if future grandma is planning on making 'lots of things' as the OP mentioned, then it gets difficult.  Then you add in the tschotchkes that the OP also mentioned she buys and it gets out of hand.

Yes, future grandma loves this baby and wants to share these special things, but honestly, if your son and dil are telling you not to make 100 things and you go out and do it anyway, then I can't blame them for being frustrated and then giving away a lot of it.

And I disgree that this seems like a matter of someone saying "i only need stuff off the registry" but rather, if you're going to spend hundreds of dollars on things for us/the baby, please make sure you know the people you're buying for.  I have no problem with the fact that I will most likely be purchasing the items off my bridal registry myself; I expect to at this point.  BUT, if someone shows up to the wedding with some random gift that I can't return, then yea, that kind of sucks.  Because they wasted money and time trying to find it and I have no use for it. I don't mean this to sound like I'd be ungrateful, but I would feel terrible that their gift to us is either going to goodwill or tossed in a corner somewhere.  I see registries not as a way to tell people what to get us, but if they want to spend their hard-earned money on us, these are the things that we like/the colors we like/some of the appliances we need.  I see it as a way for people to know their money is going towards something that we will use for a long time.