Post # 1
My fiances mom has been a pain in my neck for quite some time and now that we’re getting married it’s gotten worse.
shes “suggested” what our first dance should be, invited herself to come to see venues, told us what day we should get married (because we might inconvenience some people and their schedules), shamed me for trying to have a certain theme and pretty much has involved herself if every aspect of our wedding she can.
Ive been patient and pretty silent about it all until earlier this week when we sent her our guest list so she could add addresses and edit down people. My fiance explained to her that we were having a hard time with the guest list and that we really needed to downsize so if she could please cut people it would be helpful.
I got the guest list back and she has ADDED people.
Am I crazy for thinking this is overbearing and rude? The worst part is that my fiancé seems to think I’m over reacting and she’s “just excited and trying to help”
When I’ve brought it up he’s accused me of trying to make him chose between us and me trying to pin him against his mom.
Post # 2
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
Rude and wrong. If she is paying for the reception then let her invite whoever she wants to pay for.
Post # 4
50% my parents
but is that really the point? i find it crazy that she would think it’s okay to do that when we specifically said we need to cut people. and it’s not a matter of money. it’s a matter of venue capacity.
Post # 5
guestlistwoes: When I’ve brought it up he’s accused me of trying to make him chose between us and me trying to pin him against his mom.
First, I have to say this made me giggle, picturing you shoving him and his mother against each other, (I think you meant “turn him against his mother.”)
But seriously, tell her if she can’t make cuts to the guestlist, you’ll do the cutting. Then do it.
Post # 6
guestlistwoes: “When I’ve brought it up he’s accused me of trying to make him chose between us and me trying to pin him against his mom. “
There’s your problem. The problem is not your MIL. The problem is your fiance. All these things only happen because your fiance allows it.
I suggest you have a big talk to him about who is the #1 woman in his life: you or her.
Post # 7
aussiemum1248: this 100+
guestlistwoes: what aussiemom said. You need to see who your fiancé is marrying here. Is he marrying you or his mother? The wife never makes her man choose between his mother and his wife, it is in fact the man who does so. A husband and wife need to realize this: by marrying they are choosing their spouse to be their number 1. and their parents become their number 2. At least I believe this.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
guestlistwoes: Not to be mean, but it sounds like you’re easy to walk over.
Stop allowing this woman to rule your wedding. Stop telling her about the plans. If she tries to invite herself, just be polite: “Thanks but we’ve got this covered!” or “Thanks for the suggestions. We’ll think about it.”
And yes, your FI needs to make a choice.
Post # 9
I agree and that’s the issue. he’s making it seem like I’m putting him in a weird position and can’t see that the person putting him in this position is his mom for being intrusive.
Post # 10
Just leave her out of the loop on everything that’s not related to what she’s financially contributing to. She invited herself to come to your venue visits? Learn from it and next time you visit a vendor just don’t tell her where and when you’re going. Whether it’s you or your FI including her, it just doesn’t need to happen to this extent. I get that some people are closer to their families than others, but she doesnt need to be informed of every possible wedding decision in order to be included. If she doesn’t know what step of planning you’re on, she can’t possibly force her way into the decision-making.
Post # 11
My FMIL added two couples onto her guest list when she sent the addresses to me. I texted her and asked about them and her reply was “Oh well they should’ve been on there all along.” I kind of was annoyed, but let it go.
My FI ended up asking her to remove a couple anyway because it would push us over the guestlist number.
Post # 12
Ususally, you agree on a guest list among the hosts before choosing a venue. Yes, if your MIL is paying 30%, then she has every right to send you her guest list. If you had this information upfront, then you wouldn’t have a venue capacity problem.
Your MIL is a co-host, she therefore has a voice.
Post # 13
I agree – the real problem here is the one you have with your FI, not your FMIL. She could invite herself to all of your wedding planning activities, send you 5,00 emails with impositions veiled as suggestions, have her own opinion about everything, including the guest list….but your FI could say:
“mom, I’m with guestlistwoes: on this one, it’ll be in a water park.”
“Mom, we will be deciding that part of our wedding.”
” Whatever guestlistwoes says is what I’ll support.”
Etc. Instead your FI accuses you of trying to put him against his mother and all. That REEKS of immaturity on your FI’s part.
Post # 14
Text or email her and say “I’m sorry but we can only allow X number of guests. Can you please edit your list down?” If she cries about it, cut people yourself. And stop the info train.
Post # 15
I am having some of the same issues myself. She suggests things that I don’t like and when I disagree, she turns her nose up at me. Her family is full of a bunch of drunks and has no intentions of addressing the problem so as to not embarrass us in front of my own family at our wedding. She got very upset when we decided to increase the guest list to accommodate some far extended family that is very dear to me and to be able to invite a few of my fiancee’s friends and didn’t immediately let her know.
My advice- stop talking to her about all things wedding. Change the guest list back to the original list you had and cut those people and then some off her guest list.
Being nice hasn’t gotten me far, but annoyed and exhausted so I decided to not include her any longer. I felt like I was being gracious when discussing a few things to make her feel included, but she is not my mother and she is not my wedding planner, therefore I don’t need her “help”.
Hope this helps!