Post # 1
Hello. I recently became married last week and MIL and I get along and treat each other well but there have been a few occassions where I can sense the tension and underming. The first time I met her she called me by then boyfriend’s Ex’s name (which she only met once). And ever since there has been a few more things: posting on Ex’s wall, commenting about my weight, asking for pictures of just her, FIL and then fiance for Emmy Awards and I even had to cancel wedding and plan something smaller that she could be a part of because she kept trying to invite people that we didn’t know. Never offer for any help in the wedding planning process and didn’t give a dime.
We chose to have an official ceremony in Paris, FR but had a civil wedding and dinner for about 30 guests here in the States. So we got married in the courthouse with my mom (is currently not working), 19 year-old sis, 17 year sis, my son, his mom and his dad. After we go and have lunch and they didn’t offer to pay for our lunch. They are well off not rich but could afford $70 as they were staying with us and didn’t rent a car. Next we have a small reception and I thought they did not give us a wedding gift when my mother mentions that his parents talked about a card. I finally ask him a few days later and he says that they gave him a card with $50 addressed only to him. I was very upset about the fact as I spoil this women rotten and buy her mani pedis, sunglasses, massage while she was here this time for her not to include me in OUR WEDDING CARD. She pulled something similar for Chistmas, sent hubby a $200.00 gift card, me a $5.00 bracelet and my 9 year old NOTHING. I don’t know what to do for this actions not to hurt me and always end up in a huge argument with my now husband over this. I dont know what to do or if I am overreacting. Please share your opinions..
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Post # 2
I went into this thinking maybe there might be some over reaction, as my MIL wrote my DH a nice personal card for the wedding, and then got something for us at the same time. It was kind of a personal moment with them.
But that she doesn’t acknowledge you at all, that has to stop. Your DH will probably always get a little something extra from his mom than you do, and I would expect it in any family. But that disparity is down right rude. My parents might get me $75 worth of Christmas gifts, but they will get DH $50 worth of gifts, or get something that is very useful for both of us.
As far as your child, if it isn’t your spouse’s child, you will probably have to let that go. Your child is your family, but MIL might not see them as her family. I would only raise something about it if you are at an event where other family children are getting a gift from MIL, and nothing is given to your child.
Your DH should talk to his mom about this behavior towards you. I don’t think spouse’s parents have to treat the spouse equally, but they need to acknowledge them as part of the family.
Post # 3
marlaxr: I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re perfectly justified in being frustrated about every element of your post except your post-wedding lunch. If I attended a wedding ceremony followed by a meal I’d assume that meal was paid for by the bride and groom. I don’t have any advice other than maybe stop spoiling her. Also if you’re looking for slights I guarantee you’ll find them, people aren’t always as considerate as they ought to be, so try not to analyze her behavior toward you, it’lll just make you angry. And remember this feeling when your little boy brings home his fiance, she’ll be lucky to have a MIL who knows better 🙂 Good luck!!
Post # 4
did you ask your husband why he didn’t tell you about the card?
Post # 5
Spider Mum: 1+
In most cases like this, the husband isn’t stepping up to the aide of his wife. He should let her know that this behavior is not acceptable and that it hurts your feelings… that is IF you’ve expressed this to him.
Post # 6
Spider Mum: +1
Agree…something strange going on here that the husband did not mention the card. The way this post was written makes it sound like we have a serious momma’s boy situation here that both of them are playing into.
OP, the post-wedding celebration is yours to host, not your guests, unless there was a special circumstance that was understood in advance of the event, such as in-laws stating “hey – let’s go out to celebrate! Lunch is on us!” It also sounds from your post that you made them pay for their own lunch that day. So, it was actually you who did not approach the situation appropriately that day.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
This woman is being a bitch in a very obvious way. You have every right to be offended. And it sounds like your husband is defending her. Well, you’ve got a momma’s boy on your hands. Nothing much you can do about it if he refuses to see how rude she’s being.
I’d try to talk to him about it again when you’re not angry. Hopefully he will see reason eventually!
Post # 8
Thank you ladies. He actually did speak to his mom about it. Her response was that she thought she had included me in the card. Yeah OK, the card started off: To my dear son. She then proceeded to call him back crying saying she felt so bad but had not mentioned one word about it to me nor apologized. She even wrote me an email the next day talking about the honeymoon. I am not sure what she is up to but I am just going to live my life happy next to my husband and just deal with her when necessary.
Post # 9
marlaxr: Definitely sounds like manipulative behaviour on her behalf and your husband isn’t helping, agree with PP’s that it sounds like you’re dealing with a mummas boy situation.
To some degree you may have to learn to live with it, but be clear to your husband that you think she’s bring inappropriate and make sure he’s supporting you and understands how you’re feeling.
If I were you id be tempted to bring it up with her in a diplomatic but clear manner. You don’t have to be best friends but she needs to respect your role as her sons other half. Nip it in the bud sooner rather than later before it snowballs.
Post # 10
Stop spoiling her and don’t expect anything from her. Your expectations are raised when you treat her to things then expect things in return.
Post # 11
You have a few things going on. She’s upset and being jerky and you’re expecting too much.
She needs to realize you two are a unit now. This can be very hard for moms. My mom cried for 2 days when she saw my brother wearing his wedding ring even though she loves my SIL as much as she loves me (more I think sometimes, they get along better). This is something she needs to get over with her own help and it dosn’t need to be your or your hub’s issue.
As far as gifts. Unless she wrote “you should only spend this on yourself” then its a gift to your husband for your family, I don’t know about you, but $200 is a nice gift. In that case token gift to you is nice move. You have a tween that she dosn’t know. Some people find that age intimidating…and she may have found it easier just to do nothing. It’s not socially the best thing to do, but it may be what she is capable of. If your hubs wants to go out on a limb and “become dad” he needs to sit down with his mother and let her know his feelings His mom shouldn’t need to come up with them on her own.