MIL giving plus ones

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Who is paying for the blown budget? You and FI or your parents. 

All of this really sucks. You and FI and your parents need to stick up for yourselves and explain to FILs this is the guest list because of the budget. There’s no more funds to expand the guest list.

Post # 3
Member
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

I would maybe write up the original agreement about how many people they were allowed to invite, and then jot down how many people of theirs are ACTUALLY coming. Calculate the price per head and write them a nice little bill. Your parents are paying for yours and their guests, not your cousin’s fling. 

Post # 5
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would have your fiance present her with a per head cost. Since she’s already invited these extra people without permission, she has two choices. She can pay for the extra cost incurred, and stop adding people since space is tight. Otherwise, she can call these people and admit to her mistake and univite them. Don’t back down on this one, she has NO right to run up your parent’s bill.

Post # 6
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I would have your FI tell her that your parents aren’t paying for anyone else and that she will be charged for the overage of her guests and if she doesn’t pay before the wedding then those extra guests she invited won’t have a seat or a dinner.

She is super rude to do this to you!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  Bazinga.
Post # 7
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I would have lost my cool if she expected my parents to pay for her guests.  Especially the way that she did it.  I’m not worried about igniting any fires – but that’s me.  Now is the time to lay the laws of the land.  You will teach her how to treat you, and so far you’re teaching her she can treat you however she wants.

My advice is to have your FI tell FMIL that there is NO room for extra guests (including cousin’s new boyfriend) and that it is her responsibility to inform the uncle and/or cousin of FMIL’s mistake.  It may be worth having your FI follow up with cousin letting her know that FMIL was mistaken, and the budget simply would not accomodate her boyfriend.

Post # 8
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

If she won’t listen to your FI, maybe have your mother tell her that the guest list is final, and there is no room for more?

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

blushingbride2bee:  If the cousin has a boyfriend, it IS rude not to invite him. The same goes for all your other guests with SOs. It was poor planning on your and your FI’s part to invite more people than you could afford to host on your budget (or fit in the venue).

How many extra people are we talking about if you invite SOs? I would advise cutting back in other areas of your wedding in order to afford the extra guests. Get rid of flowers and other decorations, switch to less expensive food and beverages, eliminate favors if you have them, etc.

Post # 10
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Well, technically, you should have found out if this cousin had a SO. Why the one-year cut off? My fiance and I were engaged and living together after 9 months. You can’t judge how serious someone’s relationship is by a timeline. Obviously, it’s annoying to add people in, but you should have done due diligence and found out if your guests were truly single.

Post # 11
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I never understand the 1-year cutoff. There are plenty of brides on here that met, dated, and were married in less than a year.

I would ask my FMIL to contribute since she wants to invite all these extras.

Post # 12
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I had this exact same thing happen. My uncle called me dad, asked if my cousin’s new boyfriend could come, and my dad said yes without asking me. My situation was different in that my dad was the one paying for catering (so in my mind, he can invite anyone he wants), but it does mess things up when you start setting rules about who gets plus ones.

When I was wedding planning, I was SO stressed out about our guest list. I felt it was way too big and that too many people were getting added (especially a lot of people I didn’t know). I was getting stressed out about how much money it was going to cost to invite all of these extras. Now that the wedding is past, I honestly wish that we had invited MORE people, believe it or not. Leading up to the date, we had a bunch of last minute cancellations and could have afforded (and had the space) to host more people. I wish I would have given my single cousins and friends the option to bring a date. I wish I would have invited friends that I thought we didn’t have the space for.

I guess my advice to you would be, your fiance’s cousin is your family. The last thing you want is to start burning bridges with them, because they’re going to be around forever. If this cousin has been with her boyfriend for say, eleven months, I can understand that family being upset if he wasn’t invited, especially if this cousin is over 18 and received her own invitation. Personally, we extended guest invitations to anyone in any relationship, but I understand if your space/money limitations don’t allow that.

I would have a talk with your FMIL about how you’re overbudget and are concerned about your parents paying so much out of pocket for all of the guests. Maybe she’ll offer to chip in, maybe she’ll understand that the guest list is no longer flexible. Either way, it will probably help to stop this from happening again.

Post # 13
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@musician32992 +1

I think your FMIL is way out of line, especially if she is not contributing financially. I think you need to explain financially how much it’s costing for her to add people and she does not get to invite others without you confirming there is space.

Post # 14
Member
4639 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

We gave plus ones to engaged/ married couples and couples who are living together. If my MIL chose to dole them out to anyone she pleased, against our wishes, I’d have no issue either telling her to call them and explain what she’s done or telling her to pay for the guests she’s adding to someone elses bill.

Post # 15
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Davis Island Garden Club

You have every reason to be mad! I would be fuming! You need to explain to FMIL why you made that cutoff and ask her to call her brother and inform him that she made a mistake and that that the SO is not actually invited. When she protests (she definetly will), remind her that your FI said he would check with your parents and that was not an indication that the reply would be a yes. Explain that your parents have budgeted for X amount of people and space at the venue is limited. Invitations have gone out and unfortunetly you cannot invite this guest’s SO. If she will not make the phone call, let her know that you or FI will be making the phone call to inform her brother of her mistake.

You may also want to consider emailing her so she cant “misunderstand” or twist your words.

 

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