Post # 1
A guest (one of FI’s cousins) received her invitation. It was intended only for her, as we had to limit our plus ones only to people who were in a relationship for more than a year OR who wouldn’t know anyone else at the wedding. the guest is FI’s family, and will know over 60 of the guests on his side, including her own parents and siblings. She is also recently divorced within past year. We did not include a plus one.
the guest’s father emails my MIL asking that she bring her boyfriend. MIL called FI and berates me for not including a plus one. FI sticks up for me, explains how we chose plus ones, says we’ve chosen our guest list, but said he’d check with the hosts (my parents paying for all). FMIL replies to her brother that FI’s cousin can bring her boyfriend anyway.
I’m so angry. More of FMIL’s family that she had insisted wouldn’t come are in fact coming, and we are way over my parents’ budget. We are also getting tight on space. I think it was rude of FI’s uncle to ask, and ruder of FMIL to go ahead without asking my parents. And I’m hurt by things FMIL said to FI about me and my family. Half of me wants to let the cousin know that FMIL made a mistake but I know that would just ignite the fire. It is inconsiderate to my other guests coming without dates as well… I could use some support, kind words, advice, whatever!
Post # 2
Who is paying for the blown budget? You and FI or your parents.
All of this really sucks. You and FI and your parents need to stick up for yourselves and explain to FILs this is the guest list because of the budget. There’s no more funds to expand the guest list.
Post # 3
I would maybe write up the original agreement about how many people they were allowed to invite, and then jot down how many people of theirs are ACTUALLY coming. Calculate the price per head and write them a nice little bill. Your parents are paying for yours and their guests, not your cousin’s fling.
Post # 4
CurlyCue: My parents are paying for it, I’ve been helping out. They’re OK financially with it – it’s not going to put them into debt or anything, but it’s just more guests, and thereforemore cost, than we anticipated due to FMIL’s guests. We alotted her a certain number, she used them all up. Then she said “oh I need 5 more… but don’t worry because a,b,c,d, and e wont come.” She was pretty much trying to fill in spots for people she didn’t think would come, and blew up when we said no. Now sure enough ALL those people are coming. I know it’s our fault for allowing it. I’m just so frustrated because it doesn’t stop, and I’m apparently rude for saying no.
Post # 5
I would have your fiance present her with a per head cost. Since she’s already invited these extra people without permission, she has two choices. She can pay for the extra cost incurred, and stop adding people since space is tight. Otherwise, she can call these people and admit to her mistake and univite them. Don’t back down on this one, she has NO right to run up your parent’s bill.
Post # 6
I would have your FI tell her that your parents aren’t paying for anyone else and that she will be charged for the overage of her guests and if she doesn’t pay before the wedding then those extra guests she invited won’t have a seat or a dinner.
She is super rude to do this to you!
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I would have lost my cool if she expected my parents to pay for her guests. Especially the way that she did it. I’m not worried about igniting any fires – but that’s me. Now is the time to lay the laws of the land. You will teach her how to treat you, and so far you’re teaching her she can treat you however she wants.
My advice is to have your FI tell FMIL that there is NO room for extra guests (including cousin’s new boyfriend) and that it is her responsibility to inform the uncle and/or cousin of FMIL’s mistake. It may be worth having your FI follow up with cousin letting her know that FMIL was mistaken, and the budget simply would not accomodate her boyfriend.
Post # 8
If she won’t listen to your FI, maybe have your mother tell her that the guest list is final, and there is no room for more?
Post # 9
blushingbride2bee: If the cousin has a boyfriend, it IS rude not to invite him. The same goes for all your other guests with SOs. It was poor planning on your and your FI’s part to invite more people than you could afford to host on your budget (or fit in the venue).
How many extra people are we talking about if you invite SOs? I would advise cutting back in other areas of your wedding in order to afford the extra guests. Get rid of flowers and other decorations, switch to less expensive food and beverages, eliminate favors if you have them, etc.
Post # 10
Well, technically, you should have found out if this cousin had a SO. Why the one-year cut off? My fiance and I were engaged and living together after 9 months. You can’t judge how serious someone’s relationship is by a timeline. Obviously, it’s annoying to add people in, but you should have done due diligence and found out if your guests were truly single.
Post # 11
I never understand the 1-year cutoff. There are plenty of brides on here that met, dated, and were married in less than a year.
I would ask my FMIL to contribute since she wants to invite all these extras.
Post # 12
I had this exact same thing happen. My uncle called me dad, asked if my cousin’s new boyfriend could come, and my dad said yes without asking me. My situation was different in that my dad was the one paying for catering (so in my mind, he can invite anyone he wants), but it does mess things up when you start setting rules about who gets plus ones.
When I was wedding planning, I was SO stressed out about our guest list. I felt it was way too big and that too many people were getting added (especially a lot of people I didn’t know). I was getting stressed out about how much money it was going to cost to invite all of these extras. Now that the wedding is past, I honestly wish that we had invited MORE people, believe it or not. Leading up to the date, we had a bunch of last minute cancellations and could have afforded (and had the space) to host more people. I wish I would have given my single cousins and friends the option to bring a date. I wish I would have invited friends that I thought we didn’t have the space for.
I guess my advice to you would be, your fiance’s cousin is your family. The last thing you want is to start burning bridges with them, because they’re going to be around forever. If this cousin has been with her boyfriend for say, eleven months, I can understand that family being upset if he wasn’t invited, especially if this cousin is over 18 and received her own invitation. Personally, we extended guest invitations to anyone in any relationship, but I understand if your space/money limitations don’t allow that.
I would have a talk with your FMIL about how you’re overbudget and are concerned about your parents paying so much out of pocket for all of the guests. Maybe she’ll offer to chip in, maybe she’ll understand that the guest list is no longer flexible. Either way, it will probably help to stop this from happening again.
Post # 13
I think your FMIL is way out of line, especially if she is not contributing financially. I think you need to explain financially how much it’s costing for her to add people and she does not get to invite others without you confirming there is space.
Post # 14
We gave plus ones to engaged/ married couples and couples who are living together. If my MIL chose to dole them out to anyone she pleased, against our wishes, I’d have no issue either telling her to call them and explain what she’s done or telling her to pay for the guests she’s adding to someone elses bill.
Post # 15
- Wedding: Davis Island Garden Club
You have every reason to be mad! I would be fuming! You need to explain to FMIL why you made that cutoff and ask her to call her brother and inform him that she made a mistake and that that the SO is not actually invited. When she protests (she definetly will), remind her that your FI said he would check with your parents and that was not an indication that the reply would be a yes. Explain that your parents have budgeted for X amount of people and space at the venue is limited. Invitations have gone out and unfortunetly you cannot invite this guest’s SO. If she will not make the phone call, let her know that you or FI will be making the phone call to inform her brother of her mistake.
You may also want to consider emailing her so she cant “misunderstand” or twist your words.