Post # 1
I was wondering if anyone could give some advice on how to handle an situation with my FMIL. We are having a small destination wedding in St. John next summer. My hubby to be and I made up the guest list and had gone over it with both our families. However, since I have sent out our save the dates she has invited 6 more people to the wedding without asking us. She thinks that she is entitled to invite people as the mother of the groom. However, everything I have read on etiquette says the contrary. By fiance talked to his mother about the situation, but she doesn’t really understand and now I feel uncomfortable about the whole situation. HELP…am I wrong to feel this way?
Post # 3
Hello, I can tell you that from my own experience you should plan this wedding the way that you and your fiance dream of,because in the end, when the wedding is over, you and your husband will care the most about the way you celebrated your most important day . I was married once, and I rememer how stressful I was and sad about family telling me and even threatning that if I did not invite so and so they would not home. In the end, I paid for the wedding, and I have no idea how I let people bully me. Family is family, but you have to stand up for what is important to you.. It really is your day, and others should respect that. Hope everything turns out all right, springmoon.
p.s.Another thing to keep in mind, your mother-in-law does understand, but shejust wants to do what she wants, withno regards to you. My father was the same way, as was my MIL. In the end I realized now, that for my second marriage, I am so glad that wisdom will help me. I will not let anyone boss or control me. I just will say that you can not do this. I just want a close intimate affair and this means more to me that you having so and so there. They are your friends not mine. I do not even know them. Let me be happy
Post # 4
depends on who is paying for the wedding. If she is paying, has the $$ and you have the room – then its really up to her honestly. if you are paying or your parents are paying all additions to the guest list after the allotted amount should be ran by the paying folks.
Post # 5
So my sister is handling that very situation like this: she’s having a “welcome home reception.” His family has something crazy like 80 people in it (aunts. unlces, cousins, etc) and his mother just didn’t get that many spots on the guest list! So they’re hosting a “welcome back from your honeymoon” reception – that her MIL is paying for 😉
Post # 6
if it’s only 6 guests, you might want to just let it go and not let it bother you too much. i understand that your FMIL was not being polite by inviting guests without asking you first, but if confronting is going to cause a stressful situation, is it worth it to tarnish your relationship with your FMIL over 6 guests?
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re wrong at all. I get really upset hearing about parents hijaking their kids’ weddings, but if it helps at all, it doesn’t seem to be uncommon so you’re not alone in this.
I’m wondering: Is the problem that she’s basically taking liberties with the guest list, or that you have size limits that she’s completely ignoring? If your FI has already spoken to her, I’m not sure what it will take to get through to FMIL.
Maybe approach her again, as soon as possible before this gets out of hand, and explain that guest numbers are limited (assuming they are) and have been divided in such a way as to give you and your FI, your side of the family and her side of the family a certain %. It’s not fair to you or your family that she is acting on her own and upping her numbers.(Maybe she doesn’t realize?)
You can also appeal to her on an emotional level and tell her that there are X many people that were incredibly difficult for you to cut from your list but you made the sacrifice in fairness to all sides and you’d appreciate it if she’d do the same and respect the number of guest slots that have been allocated to her.
It gets tricky when families are helping to pay for the wedding, but I still feel that any financial help should be a gift to the couple and not an exchange for a certain number of invitations.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the input. It’s a sticky situation because my FI family IS paying for the reception so I think she feels that she has more control over who can come (even though she did invite 4 people when I was paying). However, we are having a big party back home after the wedding for whoever wants to come, so in my mind I expected that only close friends to my FI and I and our family would come to wedding in St. John and the rest would come to party at home. I guess I just wish that she would respect my feelings about having a intimate ceremony. Do you think it is wrong if I tell her that they can come to reception, but that we would like a private, intimate ceremony for vows? And if so, how do I handle this with invitations?
And Ting Ting, your right….it’s not worth ruining the relationship over. I just want to find some common ground i suppose.
Post # 9
Is she verbally inviting these people? I guess one way around it is to just not send them an actual invitation 🙂 Who are they? Do you know them? I don’t really understand why these people would think they are invited without receiving an actual invitation? And I’m not sure you can invite them to come so far (this is a DW right?) without seeing the actual ceremony, that sounds a bit odd to me. I totally get your desire for an intimate ceremony witnessed by people who are important to you but it sounds like your FMIL doesn’t really get it. I think you can probably let these 6 people come but let your FMIL know that if she verbally invites anyone else without first talking to you, they won’t receive an actual invitation and she will look like a fool 🙂