Post # 1
My husband and I got married a little over a month ago and his mother is completely suffocating me. Let me give some background info how I got to this point.
Ever since I met his parents (3 years ago) we’ve seen them about once every other month sometimes more. Since they live 30 min. away it’s fairly convenient. I had a hard time seeing his parents this often since my family lives far away and we don’t see them nearly as often. Since my husband is the only child in his family that lives near his parents when we get together it’s only the two of us with his parents…and it get’s boring pretty fast.
Since we’ve been married I’ve seen his parents twice. For me, I’ve already reached my limit on “in-law” time. Yesterday we saw his parents and my MIL starts talking about grandchildren infront of me and some of her friends. She was saying that she didn’t care what anyone called her (“grandma”, “nana”, etc.) just that she wanted to be one! Then she manipulatively said to me, “don’t worry – no pressure.” I was totally fuming on the inside since she brought this topic up at my bridal shower in front of my family and friends. Then as we were leaving my MIL asks me if I could make time for her to meet up for lunch in the next 2 weeks.
I already have one mother and I’m not looking for that kind of relationship with my MIL. She is very sweet but she is kind of manipulative and good and laying on the guilt. My husband doesn’t really understand why I like to keep my distance and takes it very personally. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to keep my MIL at bay moving forward? How to express my feelings to my husband? How to politely decline her lunch invitation when she calls?
Post # 3
I have to admit I’m confused. I don’t see what she did that was so bad. Are you sure you aren’t just missing your family and taking it out on her. Sounds like she just wants to spend time with you and your husband and unless you are leaving something out, it doesn’t sound like she is rude or disrespectful to you. I am just really confused about this one.
Post # 4
Honestly, if you only live 30 minutes from your MIL, I’m surprised that you don’t see her that often. I live almost 6 hours away from my parents and see them more often. If I were your husband, I probably would be a little hurt. It sounds like she’s nice and overall…normal… From what you said about your MIL, it sounds like just about every mother/MIL I know. I don’t know a single mother that has never dropped the “I want to be a grandma” card…lol It seems to come w/ the territory on that.
Believe me when I say I’m not trying to sound snarky, just honest, but if you only see your MIL once every other month and find that suffocating, maybe you should do a little soul searching…I know I’ve had to with my MIL 🙂
Post # 5
@sassitude99: first off, you really need to talk to your husband about this and your feelings about it. communication is key in a marriage ( which, I’m sure you’ve been told a million times alread ).
second, be outright and blunt with your MIL (forewarn your hubby, though, and explain WHY you are being blunt… ex: she won’t take a hint and I want you to know what I’m doing and to understand why I’m doing it…) about the whole “grandmother” bit.
believe me, I’m getting the SAME crap from MY OWN mother! And she’s already got FOUR grandkids!!! two from me, two from my brother! ARGH!!! so, yeah, totally feeling your pain here. I’m blunt with my mother and it typically shuts her up and also ticks her off. 🙂 (no, I don’t have a good relationship with her and I LOVE making her mad so she’ll leave me ALONE).
Also, you could ask your husband to talk to her and explain that you aren’t ready for a child, that you just got married and want to spend some time together as husband and wife before adding a child into the mixture.
As for blowing her off, come up with a convienent “excuse” that is plausable and believable. and NOT shopping… she might want to come along.
so soooo sorry you have to deal with this. hope you and your hubby can get it sorted out with any fights or hurt feelings. 🙂
Post # 6
@mncrk09 My MIL is a nice person – I can’t really say anything bad about her. I’m just not used to seeing any family member including my own as often as my MIL seems to want to. me and my husband. I live over four hours away from my own family and enjoy that kind of distance. Eventhough my MIL is sweet, seeing her so often feels like a lot since I don’t see my family that often. Does that make any sense?
Post # 7
@sassitude99: Maybe that’s what you need to tell your husband, and your MIL as well… be prepared to compromise though. Just let them know how you feel, and let them respond… sometimes the mental anguish of worrying about the relationship can be worse than the relationship itself, if that makes any sense.
Also, feed back to your MIL that you think she’s a really nice person.
Post # 8
@cliffette: Thanks for that idea. I hadn’t thought about talking to both of them about it. I’m a kind of person who doesn’t do well with conflict – I don’t like to see people upset or be the reason why someone is upset. But being open about it might be a good idea. I’m just nervous about bringing it up…
Post # 9
@sassitude99: Honestly, I don’t really see what is so bad about her behavior. The grandchildren/baby comments are going to come from everyone, so you should probably get used to that sooner rather than later. I’ve been married for 3 months now and we were getting the comments BEFORE we were married. You’re lucky you’re only getting them from her…and it’s a natural thing for our parents to want grandbabies. Also, I’m just throwing this out there, you are also VERY lucky that your MIL is a sweet woman who wants a relationship with you. There are many ladies on this site (myself included) who have less-than-great relationships with our MIL no matter how hard we try. I hope that someday you can learn to value her wanting a relationship with you. There are far worse things than your MIL wanting to take you to lunch.
Post # 10
🙂 I’d suggest talking to your husband first, and letting him know that this is important to you and that you’re telling him this so that he can understand your pov better. It may not result in much of a change to the situation, but at least they will be aware of your different needs, and know that your reluctance isn’t because you dislike his MIL (which is possibly what they’re thinking!). Your husband may then be able to give advice on how to let his mother know in a manner that will be acceptable to her.
I’d suggest staying away from accusations of manipulation though… or if you must address it, do the “I feel manipulated/pressured when..” thing rather than “Your MIL is manipulating me”. It makes a world of difference!
Yes, I find it hard to face potential conflict as well, so I can sympathise. Good luck.
Post # 11
I understand. I am also not much of a family person, I like to be alone and keep my distance. I a lot of people find that strange but I don’t care. If this is sort of what you feel, than I would explain that to your husband, that you care for his mother but that you are just a bit uncomfortable having such a close relationship with her. Perhaps he won’t understand, don’t push it. And to your MIL I would say “I’d love it but I’ll be busy. I’ll call you” and be very nice to her when you do see her.
Post # 12
Look on the brightside there are a lot of girls who post on here about their nightmare MILs. At least you have a nice one and I do not htink saying those comments are realy manipulative.
Post # 13
I understand how you feel, My real mother did not raise me but my grandmother and 3 aunts were always there for me and a positive role model. I explained to my MIL that I feel no ways because I was raised by very influencial people and it has not phased me that I had no mother…I have been with my fiance 8 years, sometimes she would call me out the blue to find out my personal business and has even intruded in a small fight we had by calling me and taking his side. I respectfuly told her that it has nothing too do with her. She always complains to FI that I dont call her.. Honestly that bothers me because my real family does not complain about me calling them so why should she? Not only that but she expects me to attend all of their family functions which she is not even hosting I was like WTF? I have my own family to go to on speciall family days like X-mas etc. My partner and i have no problem with this since we spend alot of time living together we thought it is ok to visit our own families on holidays.
Post # 14
I am probly going to get jumped on for saying this, but I really don’t think your MIL is really that out of line. I honestly believe that when you marry someone you marry their family – good, bad or otherwise. I actually kinda feel bad for this woman because she is just trying to have a relationship with her daughter-in-law and is being pushed away. Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear…