Post # 1
My DH and I were married about 7 months ago. Prior to getting married my aunt and his mother were in contact to try to plan two separate showers for us. (One for my family in one state, one for his family in another) My aunt planned a wonderful shower for us and we really received so many things that we needed and were truly grateful for everything. It was a beautiful day. About a month before our second shower thrown by my MIL, she told my DH that they wouldn’t be able to have the shower due to monetary reasons. I totally understood and knew we had already received so many things that we would need for our home and that we were going to be ok. Now just 8 months later, my DH’s FIFTEEN YEAR OLD cousin is having a baby and his mom OFFERED to throw a shower for her. Regardless of whether or not we should be celebrating this young child’s sad situation, am I wrong to feel a little hurt? It’s not ok to spend time and a little money to celebrate two mature adults, her own son’s marriage, but she can put time and effort and money into celebrating her fifteen year old nieces unfortunate mistake? I’m really hurt by this. I’m not planning on saying ANYTHING to her about it, but I did mention it to my DH, as in "Isn’t it kind of weird that your mom and grandma are celebrating _____’s baby, but they didn’t do anything for us? Like not even a small family dinner to celebrate or anything?" He thinks I’m being unfair and that it’s the bride’s family’s job to throw the shower, although other people in his family have thrown showers for their sons and daughters-in-law. I didn’t say this to my DH because I didn’t want HIM to feel bad too but, seriously, his side of the family didn’t buy ONE thing off of our registry or give a SINGLE shower gift. I really wasn’t feeling bad about it at all until I saw how much time and effort and money they are putting into a shower for a fifteen year old and they couldn’t do anything at all for us. UGGH! I’m I crazy?
Post # 3
Sounds like a guy thing for what your husband said. But honestly, if you say you’re going to throw a shower, then back out, you can’t throw another one for someone else!!! Even if it was the most inexpensive, simple shower that they would have thrown you, you would have understood that. I would be very upset if I were you. Maybe "hurt" is more the word. Kind of like you got shoved aside for a kid. But, I don’t know, maybe they feel REALLY bad for the pregnant 15 year old and think she needs baby gifts more than you need a shower gift. Regardless, they should have at least mentioned it to you! And it is not the "bride’s family’s" job to throw the shower. My experience has been that there are multiple showers from BOTH sides of the family! Personally, my FMIL and FSIL are throwing me a shower, as is my MOH. I’d be upset if they suddenly backed out and threw another shower without explaining it, especially for a cousin. A nice family dinner and celebration at home would have been an appropriate alternative if being cash strapped were the true reason. Good luck!
Post # 4
I know it can feel hurt to feel snubbed by your new husband’s family, but I think you need to step back and look at this from outside yourself for a minute. You and your husband have each other, you have your supportive side of the family. Maybe your husbands family just doesn’t have the money. And really, who needs a party and gifts more: you and your husband who have some of the things you need, or a 15 year old who is having a baby and probably has no way to support it or herself. I am not saying this to sound mean, but if you look at it like this: do you really need that toaster? Or does that baby need a carseat?
I think you just have to suck it up. Eight months ago, they couldn’t afford a shower. This 15 year old really needs these things, so it became a priority to spend this money on her. I’m sure you and your future children (if you decide to have any) will get plenty of gifts in the future.
Post # 5
I can understand having your feelings hurt. These are the types of things that happen around weddings. People size up others’ situatuions, to see what’s fair and what’s not. (I do it too. It’s human nature.) But I think you might be overreacting a little.
I think based on the facts, the 15 year old cousin needs her shower more than you needed yours. You already had one. Was anyone else giving the cousin a shower? I don’t think a shower should be seen as a reward for doing the right thing. It is a way for everyone to contribute to help someone set up their life (And who needs help more than a 15 year old mom?). You might not agree with some of the cousin’s choices, but why deny helping someone who needs it? It doesn’t mean the shower has to be all about how excited they are that a 15 year old is having a baby. You are 8 months married. Which means, the cousin most likely didn’t get pregnant until after your wedding. Which means, that the decision to have a shower for her was made, well after the decision not to have one for you. Completely separate events. And even though money was sited as a reason not to have your shower, maybe money was still tight with his family. But they decided that having a shower to help out a teen mom would be extremely necessary.
I do think I would also feel hurt if no one from the groom’s side sent a shower gift. Since they originally were planning one, do you think that most of his guests maybe just spent a little more on one big wedding gift instead? Since you did mention having a shower with a lot of presents already, do you think she just felt like another wasn’t necessary and even a bother (being out of state)?
I understand it hurts to feel like his family doesn’t care or isn’t happy for you both. But the bigger issue is outside of this incident, how they act towards the two of you. Did they go to the wedding? Do they want you to visit? If they generally seem to be indifferent, I can see why the shower adds to it. If the shower is an isolated incident, based on the circumstances you provided, I think you should try to get past it.
Post # 6
I definitely think you should let this one go. A shower isn’t necessarily celebrating your cousin’s "mistake," but probably a way to help her through a difficult time. Regardless of how you feel about her situation, what to do with the baby is ultimately her choice, and if she’s decided to keep it, she probably needs all the help she can get. Try to be supportive and understanding.
Post # 7
I would be totally pissed off/hurt by this. I think it’s wise that you not say anything so as to keep the peace, but venting was certainly in order!
Post # 8
I think the 15 year old needs the shower more than you need 2, or more than you need any gifts for that matter.
also, your shower would have been 7-10 months ago- a lot of things happen in that time, money situations change.
Post # 9
I would also be hurt and upset; but this is something you have to let go. Babies sometimes bring up emotions that weddings just don’t and generally a baby shower can cost a lot less to throw if it is kept simple. And I have to admit that Josalyn makes a good point about the amount of time inbetween the two and how a money situation can change. Also, a prego 15yr old is going to need a LOT of help above and beyond what you need.
Post # 10
Here’s the thing, you’ve admitted that you received A TON of gifts. You’ve admitted that you didn’t NEED a second shower. And you told them so. That’s the end of your story. You and your DH will be fine, and you aren’t in need of anything. Your wedding was quite some time ago and I’m sure no one put the two together. Did they give you wedding gifts? Demanding not only shower gifts but also wedding presents seems a but gift-grabby.
This girl has NOTHING. She has no baby items, nothing she will need to take care of another human being (plus herself). You can’t imagine what she’s feeling or how much it will mean to her to be supported by everyone around her. This isn’t at all about you, your MIL isn’t trying to bring you down, she’s raising someone else up.
I think you have to let go of your resentment. Calling a new little baby a "mistake" is prolly not going to help you win over your new family. Let them be good to your NIL. And you should take a cue from them and help her too.
Post # 11
Thanks for the help and advice everyone. It’s helped me to look more at both sides of the issue. I was never planning on saying anything to anyone other than my husband, I was just surprised by his response. Thanks for helping me see his side of it and for letting me vent! Life moves on… I need to go get a Babies R Us gift.
Post # 12
I’d give your MIL the benefit of the doubt – it probably didn’t occur to her that this would hurt your feelings. Assuming the two of you have a good relationship I don’t think you have any reason to believe this is a personal slight.
Ditto on what others have said about the young girl really needing this shower – both in terms of the gifts and in terms of being shown love and support in a difficult time.
Post # 13
While I can understand the need to vent, I am with Tanya on this one.
I would be hurt too, but I would also understand that maybe the extremeness of the situation meant that the MIL took financial prority, cut down on her own life and tried to make a shower happen for the girl.
Yes, she could have taken the same hit for you, but she probably sees you and your FH as being so much better off financially and mentally. I would take it as a compliment to you and your FH’s status.
Post # 14
Msgreen, I commend you on being open to everyone’s response. Yes, we all need to vent. Good luck!