Post # 1
My fiance and I are in the process of moving into our new home together. We are currently looking for tables, bedding, decorations, etc. for our new place. My FMIL came to me the other day and told me she found a table for us for our dining room and we could go and order it whenever I was free. I thought it was nice of her to be looking for furniture for us, but we already found a few tables that we liked and we will probably purchase one of our choices this week. I was very vague in answering her, I said something like “Okay, we are still looking around for tables, I’ll let you know.” I just thought it was pushy of her to assume I would like the table she picked out and that I would want to buy it.
Second example…. My FMIL sent me a picture of some bedding that she bought and said she bought it for our guest room. I didn’t know what to say. I already picked out bedding for our guest room and purchased it myself. The bedding she bought does not match my color scheme for that room. I felt really awkward talking to her over the phone so I just said “Thanks for the bedding, can’t wait to use it!” Even though I probably won’t! I just don’t understand why she purchased something for our home without asking us for our opinion.
I’m a pretty shy person and I would rather please people than confront them. Any advice for me??
Post # 3
@melanieky: It sounds like a gift! While I realize it might not be your taste, I would accept it graciously. It sounds like she wants to be a part of helping you and your FI “make a home,” especially if when she went through that process in her life she didn’t feel like she had a mother or sister who really supported that process. I wouldn’t worry too much about it… it sounds like she’ll get the messages when you respectfully make it clear (as you have done) that you and FI are still in the midst of making decisions, thanks for the ideas!
Post # 4
@love108: yeah you are probably right. It is probably a gift in her eyes… I was just looking forward to picking out stuff with my fiance. I always feel like if I don’t do what people sugguest or go with what their opinions are, I will hurt their feelings.
Post # 5
Just be careful to set boundaries. Say thanks for the bedding, you have great taste, I’ll let you know if there’s anything else that we need so you can scope out the options for me before I decide what to buy! She does sound like she’s just being helpful, but that can go overboard very quickly.
Post # 6
Uh oh. You better put your foot down before its too late, although nice of her to buy you a gift shes going to keep doing this and if you cant tell her to stop it most likely will cause issues down the line. If you dont use the things she buys and she notices youre going to have some explaining to do especially if you’re lying about actually using the stuff.
Hurting someones feeling should be the least of your worries, because you’re lying rather then just telling it how it is. If its really that hard for you have ask your fiance to do it because it is his mother.
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
She’s obviously trying to help, and it’s really sweet of her, but you need to nip it in the bud,
FMIL says- “I bought bedding for your guest room.”
You say- “Oh, that’s so thoughtful of you. Unfortunately, we’ve already bought the bedding for that room. Could we exchange it for (pillows, towels, whatever else you need)?”
You’re not going to hurt her feelings, and you’re not being rude by telling her you already have something. She’s more likely to be upset if you don’t use it. And there’s nothing wrong with saying- “I appreciate your suggestions. However purchasing these items is really something FI and I want to do together, making our first home.”
If you “don’t do what people sugguest or go with what their opinions are”- you’re potentially setting yourself up for a lot of issues later on (like if/when you have kids).
Post # 8
@Aicyla22: good advice. thanks!
Post # 9
@melanieky: She sounds like a very generous and thoughtful MIL, she is just trying to be helpful and giving gifts, don’t get up[set about it. You should graciously accept the bedding, while it may not match your current colour scheme, you never know when it could come in handy, you can never have too much bedding.
As for the table, how about you actually go and look at the one she is suggesting, and while you’re at it show her the ones you and your FI already like. I’m sure she will understand if you pick a table you already fell in love with.