Post # 1
SO casually mentioned the idea of having his mother move in with us due to her failing health. Not to sound like a b***h, but if she really cared about her health, she should put down the pint of Jim and quit smoking a pack a day. I know it’s easier said than done, but it doesn’t seem like she’s taking any measures to better herself. She has an 8-year-old daughter, which should motivate her. Instead, she has the attitude that her time will come when it does, and there’s nothing she can do about it.
No one can really tell her what to do I suppose since it is her body, but as a mother myself, I can’t help but wonder why she’s not trying to take better care of herself, so she’ll be around for her daughter. That aside though, she curses like a sailor, even at her daughter, and I don’t want that kind of mouth around my kids. I’ll cuss every now and then, but nothing crazy. I try to refrain from saying the F word or things like mother-fing and g-damn. Anyways, nothing’s set in stone, but how do I tell SO I think it’s a bad idea without offending him?
Post # 3
Just throw out the idea by saying it’s something we could consider if her health deteriorates any further but for now you do not think it is a good idea because…
1) Different parenting styles.
2)You do not want smoke or the smell of smoke in your house (assuming u and dh do not smoke).
3)Kids are impressionable and you do not want them to see their grandmother drinking daily.
Honestly I think these are all vaild reasons to put his plan on the back burner.
Post # 4
yeah, I would definitely nix that idea- if she is healthy enough to keep swiggin that jim beam and smoking cigarettes- she’s not so frail she needs to move in for personal care. Not happening, sorry.
Now if it was a mother who was one step away from a nursing home who feels terrible for imposing, but can’t live home alone anymore for safety reasons and wants to live with family for support for a very finite amount of time before moving to the facility (who already expects her in the near future)- it could be discussed.
We need to love and support our mothers when they truely need us- since they did do so much for us growing up- but if they are able to take care of themselves, we should not be expected to meet their every need/desire and support their bad habits. Sounds like this mom can handle things fine on her own- and needs to take more responsibility for her health- both for herself and for her children
Post # 5
I currently live with my SO’s mom (and him). SO and I are trying to save money while he’s getting his masters and I’m in a low paying entry level position- and she’s letting us live here for 2/3 the going rate around here. However, the three of us have a great relationship so it works for us. I have also accepted that since SO is asian, if we get married we will likely end up having her in our house later in life, because that’s how it works in asian families- whereas in my family, elderly go into assisted living. I just hope to enjoy the years in between while we’re on our own.
In your case, it sounds like a bad idea. Tell him that you don’t feel that her lifestyle would mesh with yours and suggest a compromise (does she live nearby? Maybe drop in once a week to check on her, or invite her over for lunch, or whatever would be palatable to you). All of NovaRising‘s ideas are really good as well.
Post # 6
@southern_sweetheart91: He may be more concerned about his sister than his mother, and wanting her to have somewhere safe and happy to live/visit.
Post # 7
NO. i’d rather work ten jobs and pay for a home.
Post # 8
Nope! I would just tell him that you area afraid your relationship will suffer. Just because you like or even love something doesn’t mean that you can live with them without getting on each other’s nerves.
Post # 9
This poll reminds me that I’m pretty much the luckiest girl on the planet regarding FMIL. I seriously ADORE my boyfriends Mom!! I can’t wait for her to be my Mom too, we live in their basement (its a seperate suite and we pay rent but they’re quite close to us, obsiously) She could move in with me any day. I would not let my own Mom live with me but his? Absofrickinlutely! It would be my pleasure, quite literally. But like I said, I’m a little outrageously lucky in the department.
In your situation, I would put my foot down. Way, way down. It sounds like that would be a situation where no one would end up benefitting. Different parenting styles, more kids, more expenses, more stress, the list just goes on. You have to worry about YOUR future, your family. Yes, she’s his Mom. But yes, there are OTHER options. You don’t want or need a Jim drinking, pack a day smoking swearing sailor living in your house with her 8 year old because she can’t get her shit together. Period, stand firm on that!
Post # 10
@lalalyanne: i think that even if your MIL is great and your best friend in the whole world, it’s not healthy for a marriage to live with someone else (other than your kids, of course).
Post # 11
My mum stayed with us for a month while she was waiting to be able to move into her new place. we all get along pretty well and it wasn’t as bad as we expected but we were pretty glad when the month was over! FI wasn’t overly keen on the idea but he sucked it up since it was only short term i dont think he wouldhave handled it long term.
Post # 12
This happened to my parents. I’m not saying it would be like this for anyone else, but here’s their story:
They moved in with my dad’s mom to help her out because she was “sick” and “frail” (which actually meant “lazy and manipulative”) and she ran roughshod all over my stay-at-home mom while my dad was at work, and he’d never find out because she felt guilty about complaining.
My grandmother would try her best to fill my head full of traditionalist, dogmatic, bigoted/racist BS (fortunately I was sensible enough to think she was crazy even then). Then she would run roughshod all over my mom, treating her like a slave – she literally had a giant brass bell she would ring as hard as she can to summon my mom to her room, becasue “my feet hurt, bring me coffee.”
Holidays were the worst, she’d make my mom polish all the silver, clean the entire three-story house (it was WAY too big for her, she should have sold it and moved out years before she did), basically work herself to the bone like cinderella because it had to look “perfect” for the extended family. Every year she’d demand my dad spend more money than he had on decorations and work for the house, and she never contributed a penny. Imagine the worst bridezilla in the world, but shes 70 and instead of a wedding, it’s a Christmas party.
Eventually she said “I’m selling the house.” And sure enough, she did. At first she promised my parents a very tidy sum, since they had cared for her and dumped INSANE amounts of money to its renovation and upkeep over that time (way more than they could afford, their debt was horrible and so much of it was because of her.) Of course when it came time to actually hand over the money, you can guess what happened… (no, they didn’t get what they were promised or anywhere even close, and have suffered for it.)
I haven’t spoken to her in years. I don’t think I can ever forgive the way she treated my parents. So, there’s the “granddaughter” perspective haha.
Post # 13
I would definately say ‘Hell no’ and tell him about your very valid concerns. If I were you I would try and make your home a safe house for your husbands sister. Invite her over for sleep overs frequently and let her know if things get tough at home you guys are always a phone call away and will go pick her up.
Try get your hubby to talk to his mum about her drinking and swearing infront of his sister. I’d be really concerned for that poor little girl. Is their a way for you guys to intervene on her behalf? Normally I’m a none of my business kind of person but when it comes to kids living in a really bad enviroment then i’m all for intervention.
Post # 14
@southern_sweetheart91: I used to live with MIL because she wanted the company. Never again.
I did click on “I’d rather be homeless.” At the same time, if she lived in our home it would be our rules. And if she didn’t like it she would have the choice to leave.
Post # 15
You just tell him “no” outright and let it offend him if he feels that strongly about it.
It’s your house, it’s your marriage, it’s your family (your meaning both of you, but especially you) and it sounds like your MIL will be detrimental to all of those things.
Post # 16
No. WAY. If she’s healthy enough to smoke a pack a day and have a kid, she’s healthy enough to live by herself.
I would say something like “I’m just not comfortable with her smoking and swearing in front of the kids.”