Post # 1
So we are resticted to 160 people because the venue we chose can only accomadate 160. We will be inviting a maxium of 170-174 people, knowing that not every single person will be able to make it.
So after FI and I sat down with our lists, we were able to divide up the remaining guests. My parents together got 16 (partly because I had already invited some family friends that I know they would invite because I have known these people since i was in diapers, and I couldn’t imagiane my wedding with out them), 16 to his mom and 16 to his dad (they are divorced). We both agreed this was fair.
Well, last Sunday I went to a bridal show at my venue with some of my bridal party and family and my soon-to-be MIL, with the hope of winning some extra stuff for the wedding. We walk into the room that we are having everything in so I can show everybody what we are planning on and all of that. Almost immediatly, MIL corners me about the number of people she is allowed to invite and how she hopes FI invited family (he invited his grandmother and 1 set of second cousins, partly because they are the only family outside his parents and sister that I have met, and that coincedentally my dad knows them form work). When I told her about who he has invited family wise, she seemed a little appeased, but then said she wanted to invite people that she knows won’t come.
She wants to be able to invite extra people because she says she can garuntee that certain people won’t come, but it would be rude not to invite them. There is no way that she can garuntee that!!! And I’m not going to let her have a bunch of extra invites! She has been going around asking people if they want to come to the wedding so she can decide who to send the invites out to.
Fi has talked to her and she just keeps talking in circles and making it sound like I should hand over the invitations to her so she can send them out. I asked everyone for their lists so that way when invitations do go out, when it’s time for RSVP I know who is coming and who I ned to call if I haven’t recieved one from them.
It’s just more drama to add to teh mix and I don’t know how to approach it with her. FI has tried and it doesn’t work either. Anyone have this situation before and what did you do? Sorry long vent but I chad to get it out!
Post # 3
You could set up an A list-those absolutely getting an invite, and a B list -to be invited as any A list people decline. I wouldn’t say anything to her though. Just get her list, and then you and your FH can decide who is put on the B list.
Post # 4
I agree she is being difficult. I would certainly not give her invitations to send out herself. Assuming you (or your parents) are the hosts, you need to manage your own guest list.
I know you say your venue accommodates up to 160, but how many are you shooting for? If you invite 170-175, I would estimate at least 30-35 will decline. Offering her 3-4 additional invites might appease her. Just make it clear that’s all she’s getting and then hold your ground.
Or… another thing you could offer is to put a few extra guests on a “B” list. As you receive RSVPs with regrets, you can send them out one at a time. If it’s true that these people won’t come, then sending out a last-minute invitation shouldn’t matter (and will increase the chances that they won’t be ABLE to come).
One last option – maybe offer to send announcements instead of invitations?
Not sure if any of these ideas will work for you, but I thought I’d throw them out there…
Post # 5
I will never understand why parents insist on being able to invite their own friends etc to YOUR wedding. They had their weddings. They don’t need to invite people to yours. I am sorry that your MIL is being this way – sounds like you need to put your foot down. I wouldn’t let her invite anyone even if she is sure that they won’t be able to attend.
Post # 6
Thanks for all of the suggestions!
I have thought of doing announcements because there is alot of familt from out of state that I know if I invite one I would have to invite all and wanted to tell them about the wedding. I think I may offer that to her also.
FMIL is very pushy with things. She was upset when she found out the date of our wedding. It was the day that my FH brother was burried almost 6 years ago, so I relented and pushed it back. Then she wanted us to light a special candle for him. FH and I discussed it and decided to put something in the program about it because my grandpa may not be able to make it up for the wedidng and my other grandpa is very ill right now. She continues to push and try and get her way, and I am trying to be understanding, but I have to agree, it’s MY wedding. I’m trying not to be a bridezilla, but it gets really frustrating!
FH has been dealing with it for a long time and just tunes her out, and I haven’t been able to do that yet, because I feel bad.
Post # 7
Don’t do it! My FMIL gave my FI a list of people to send invites to that she was “positive” could not attend the wedding. Well, all of them said yes! When we told my FMIL she was surprised and said she couldn’t believe it. We couldn’t believe it because it burst our budget! Luckily, a group of relatives who had RSVPd yet changed their minds or we would have been way over the capacity of our venue.
When you send out an invite there is always a chance that the person might decide to attend. I agree with doing an A List and a B List. Good luck!
Post # 8
I’m in the exact same situation. And I feel like I keep talking about it because it’s a big thing that’s bothering me… but here we go. FMIL wants to invite way more people than her fair share. She says she knows they won’t come but will send a present. She also e-mailed both of us saying that typically a percentage of people invited don’t come (as if I didn’t already know that). Long story short, I’m not budging. We are inviting 250 max. The other 50 who didn’t make it to the list will be invited if we can accomodate them according to the RSVPs. If not, too bad. I had to MAKE my fiance tell her that. She will not be getting any invitations to hand out, I am in charge of the guest list and I have the final say. (Just take my word and believe that we are being fair on who’s invited).
Anyway, my parents are out of town. So they have several friends who just plain won’t show up. I don’t expect them to travel. They are not getting invites just for the present. She is sending them wedding annoucements after we get married. I told my fiance to tell his mom, any of her invitees that don’t make the list will get wedding announcements. End of story. Sorry they can’t make it, but we can’t pay for tons of people.
Hope that helps 🙂
Oh and please note that we can only have 200 people at our venue. So we’re inviting 250 hoping that only 200 will RSVP. The 250 we’re inviting does not include the EXTRA 50 people that my FMIL wanted to invite (which would make the list 300 people).
Post # 9
Stand your ground and refuse to send out anymore than what you have considered her fair share.
She should count her blessings that she’s able to invite whomever she wants within that 16. We gave our parents each their fair share and asked for lists, but when we got her list my husband went through it and crossed out anyone he didn’t want at his wedding. Ask me how many people of the 169 in attendence were from her list.
Post # 10
My MIL did the same thing and best advice is HOLD firm. If your MIL wants to invite extra people given you have the space then she can foot the bill for it.
My MIL gave nothing, did nothing to help, and caused major issues our entire engagement ( we never even got a gift from her), and still thought that she had a right to dictate to us about the invite list. My parents were paying for the reception, therefore my parents got first say on their list, and I had a very large family. We gave my MIL a decent amount of slots, and it wasn’t good enough for her, she felt she was entitled to as many people as my parents ( when she had a very small family) and just added people to the list to add, and she too wanted to invite people because she “knew” they weren’t coming. Well the people she said wouldn’t come came, so if we would have let her get her way of inviting all these other people even though she thought they wouldn’t come, we would have been very over budget.
I find it very rude that in laws or other people who aren’t paying for a wedding think they have the right to cause issues and problems over the invite list. We were on a budget and were not going to break our budget and go into debt because my MIL wanted to invite all her sorority sisters that she hasn’t seen in 15+ years, yet she didn’t want to put a cent, so IMO, they aren’t that important to you then if you don’t want to pick up the tab and have them there at the wedding.
Post # 11
Stick to your guns about this. Give her the option of doing announcements after the wedding for those she was not able to invite. You are right you cannot guarantee who will not come. I wish we wouldn’t have done courtesy invites but done the announcement for those.
She will definitely keep trying to get you to change your mind so be prepared. When she asks, say “MIL, we’ve already discussed this and you know we can’t allow you anymore than the 16 invites. If you choose to keep bringing this up, you leave us with no option but to leave/hang up.” And when she does bring it up again, say nothing and leave. It’s a dead issue.
I actually think she is lucky in that she is getting 16 invites to herself because of the divorce when your parents are splitting the 16. Also, when she asks who your FI invited, point her in his direction.
Post # 12
Umm…tell her no. I guess I just don’t understand what the problem is. She can like it or not but that would be her problem. case closed or am I missing something?
Post # 13
Thank you all so much for teh advice! I have had FH try to talk to her and she just doesn’t want to listen. She has also made comments about not having my phone number, the reason being when she calls FH and can’t get a hold of him, I know she will blow my phone up.
I will let her know that those people we can’t invite will recieve announcements. We are getting nice engagement photos done, and we have a really nice printer, so I can do them up and send them out the day of the wedding. That way everyone should be appeased. And if not, she will just have to deal with it.
PArt of mr feels bad, like I should give some leeway because this is going to be a new family, but I’m afraid if I start now, that it’s going to get worse later on. I’m just glad to know that Im not the only one!
Post # 14
@Beth2010: Don’t feel bad. The cold fact of the matter is that YOU, your FI, and YOUR FAMILY are throwing a party in your honor to celebrate your wedding.
There is no reason why a a guest of this party has the right to complain about anything. She is a GUEST and you are being gracious by inviting people that she would enjoy having there. Isn’t she lucky?
Post # 15
I would tell her that she may use her 16 however she likes. If she gets declines, then she may ask for their invitation back to send to someone else, hahaha.