Post # 1
Hi! My MIL just called to talk today, and mentioned that she was willing, and her boss had suggested…that she come to visit when the baby is born. I live in France with no family around (mine is in canada, and DH’s is 7 hours away). My parents are coming to stay nearby for all of the month of May, the baby is due March 27th. The inlaws might be able to come again together (fil and mil) sometime from the 11-26 of april (not that whole time). Anyway I’m not sure what to tell her. She was very sweet and said that even if I say I don’t need her to come she won’t be hurt (I hope that’s true). On one side of things it would be good to have help, but on another I know we would want intimate new family time together. My DH will have about 14 days off in the beginning, then I’ll be alone.
Anyway, all this to say, what did you find you appreciated during your first weeks with a newborn? I have no idea what I will want…I might be annoyed with her prescence if she is too overbearing, but I might really need her…
I should also add that I think that in May it will be complicated if my in laws are here at any time with my parents. Unfortunately my mom is horribly sensitive and i’m sure would cry in her room if and when my more outgoing mil holds the baby (cause my parents have in their heads that my inlaws will see the baby all the time, even though they in fact live the same time distance away). So, in a way it could be good that my mil is here before…however that will also make me mom jealous I’m sure….
Post # 2
I would say that the April timeframe is probably best, since your DH will be home for the first 14 days. That way you can have your private family time with your newborn and figure things out together, then the ILs can come after DH goes back to work.
I love my MIL but I wouldn’t want her around 24/7 the first couple of weeks when I’m adjusting to life with a newborn.
Post # 3
FrenchNewlyWed: I’m a firm believer that the new mom should rest as much as possible in the beginning. I feel that so many women try to do too much too soon. So having my MIL help out would be great for me. She could help cook, clean, run to the store, or help with baby while hubby runs errands. Though it all completely depends on your relationship with your MIL. I have just heard so many moms say, “if someone offers help, TAKE IT!” Just my opinion.
This article was very interesting to me: http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/08/15/america-s-postpartum-practices.html
Post # 4
When I had my first daughter, my MIL came from across the country to stay with us for the first 5 days. I really appreciated it brcause it is overwhelming, and she is a lovley lady. But I suppose it depends on your MIL.
Post # 5
CocoLoco523: I really enjoyed that article. Makes me think a lot about what I’ll need…and I bet it will be help!
eeniebeans: Did you MIL arrive immediately when you got home, did you have any time at all alone with the baby and father in the beginning? Did you care?
Post # 6
Well you can’t live your life according to what will not make your mom jealous. This will get worse as the baby grows up if you constantly feel the need to cater to each side. If you would appreciate your MIL being there for a short time then allow it. That being said, I don’t think you *need* the help, I’m sure you would be just fine. April seems early to me, you’ll still be healing and bonding. I would see if they could come in July or something to give you a break after your parents leave.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2015 - On a Cliff Overlooking the Bay, Florida
FrenchNewlyWed: MY FMIL is a NICU nurse (25+ years) so i already know as soon as i have a baby she will be over and i don’t mind at all. I love my future IL’s and someone with her experience especially on my first baby i welcome the visit!
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Would you MIL be staying with you or nearby, like your parents are? Would she be there for a visit, or to *help*? (I’ve seen from how my in-laws were with my SIL, there’s a BIG difference between the two.) If she’ll make your life easier, then yes, have her come in April to help out. If it’s more of a visit, have it wait until the baby’s a little older- last thing you want to do with a newborn is play hostess.
The same applies to your parents- a month is a LONG time for guests. It doesn’t sound like your parents are staying with you, which is good- you’d have more control over when they visit.
Post # 9
My mopther in law came over for after both my babies`births. She lived much closer than my Mom. She was fabulous.- did ironing, housekeeping, grocery shopping and cooking, and entertained my son, who was 4 when my daughter was born.
When my first was born, she arrived the day after he was born. With my daughter, she came the same day I went to hospital so she could care for my son.
Post # 10
I’m of the opinion that help is always welcome.
I’m due in May and my parents usually leave at the end of May to go up to Nova Scotia for the summer and don’t come back until September, so I’m a bit worried that we won’t have much help while I’m on maternity leave. My MIL lives 13 hours away, so I’m hoping she’ll be able to take some time off work and come help us the first few weeks because those will be the most difficult.
We head up to visit with my parents & family for about 3 weeks when our little one will be 8-10 weeks old, so we’ll get some support then, I’m just worried about being all on our own without the village.
Post # 11
Oh dear, still can’t decide! DH isn’t much help as he doesn’t really have an opinion (I’m sure there is less pride at stake etc re. not knowing what we are doing). We just recently got friendly with our upstairs neighbours whose baby would be one when we have ours…and she is very pro bf so maybe she could be useful. Maybe I don’t need to decide yet. For those who asked, yes she would be staying on site with us (unlike my parents). I have no idea how she imagines the visit…but I worry that my DH might go to work (instead of take the 14 days) because he’ll assume it’s good enough that she is around. I want him to be here with me, like I said to him, I didn’t make this baby with your mom, but with you so I think we should be together during the beginnning. If anyone else has opinions chime in:)
Post # 12
We had family visiting for the first 3 months after DD was born (one at a time). It was amazing to have the help!
Post # 13
I have also been thinking about this sort of thing. I’m 38 weeks today and while I will really want a fair amount of privacy with FI and the baby once she is born to bond, I think that it will be important to accept any help within that time. I think that in your case, if you have no one else to come and help you with random things, it might be worthwhile to have her there as long as she can be mindful of your boundaries and not be swarming. But from your description, it seems like she is a fairly easy going woman who wouldn’t be overbearing and might be able to intuit when you need space. This is the ideal situation.
My best friend told me a couple years later after she had her first child that she had PPD and that she believes a large part of it was due to being really overwhelmed and not having help around the home or getting any time to herself, not know how to ask for support but also not really knowing what she needed either. She sent me along a article that kind of gives an idea of things to consider which I found useful:
Post # 14
FrenchNewlyWed: It all depends what your MIL is like, and whether your husband is working. When my DH returned to work (1 week after the birth) my SIL came and stayed the next week. She was wonderful to have around the house and to give non-judgemental help (she was already a mother). If I was in your position, and if I got on well with her (and it sounds like you do), then I’d accept the offer for her to stay after the 14 days, i.e. once DH returns to work. There’s no point her being there before DH returns to work – you don’t need two helpers.
Post # 15
FrenchNewlyWed: well I’m in a bit of the same situation and I too don’t know what to Say. For me I live on the west coast of Canada and my IL’s live in the same city, my parents live on the east coast. My DH mentioned that his mom has been talking about taking vacation time around “when I’m supposed to give birth” (even though they live here) and I have my reservations ….. The reason being I just really don’t know how I’m going to feel!
yes we will need help and I’m sure once or maybe twice in a week I wouldn’t mind her coming over but it’s not like our house needs to be cleaned every single day (my DH argument)…. One of the biggest things for me is I know from other people who I’m close to who have had babies recently they all say that yes help is good BUT if someone is going to be there like….ALL the time you need to be really comfortable with them…. Your so vulnerable especially during the first 2 weeks it can feel intrusive. I personally also don’t have the “greatest” relationship with my IL’s so…. I really don’t know how comfy I will be with mil here THAT often (To warrant taking actual vacation time).
if anything but for my own comfort in trying to get used to breast feeding etc,…. Like if I’m engorged and in pain (sore nipples) and I wanna sit around topless all day because it’s uncomfortable to have material touching me? Then i wanna be able to do that dammit lol. I don’t wanna feel like I have to be stick upstairs or have to keep running and hiding away because she expects to be here all the time…. Know what I mean?
Maybe I will want her here when the time comes I have no idea …. But my fear is giving her the impression yes that would be great … When I MAY really need or want my privacy…. And if I do, I’m gonna get guilt tripped and pressured! I personally told DH if rather just take it one day at a time when the baby comes …. But that’s also hard cause time needs to be booked in advance :s
dh is taking at least a week off when she arrives and honestly id rather have as much private time as we can that week… Then my parents will be visiting 3 weeks after she’s born.