(Closed) MIL problems. really need some advice on this ladies.

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ll be really bluntful and frank: You’re going to find yourself in a really tough situation if you put your husband in a position where he has to choose sides between your MIL and you. I find that it’s really sweet that you’re concerned about your SIL but in this case; I wouldn’t badmouth your MIL to your DH. Just leave things where they are. It is her hole and relationships to ruin. Eventually her mouth will get her in trouble. It’s great that you Skype with his family but if she’s constantly being negative; then maybe you can lessen the frequency with the MIL. Let your DH ask why instead of dumping the reasons on him.

Post # 4
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@amybarret:  First – if you don’t want to talk to your MIL, then don’t.  Period.  Being best buds with your ILs is not a requirement of marriage, nor does a close IL relationship have any bearing on the longevity or success of your marriage.  I used to talk to my ILs all the time in an effort to make them happy.  And they kept pissing me off.  So I stopped calling them, texting them, emailing, etc.  Not only am I much happier, but it’s been BETTER for our marriage.

Second – it’s wrong to try to sell your husband on the idea that his Mom is a bad person.  Furthermore, it’s ridiculous that you are allowing this woman to become a point of contention in your own marriage.  Especially when she lives in another country.  Why do you feel the need to press the issue?  You both need to call a moratorium on the subject of his Mom.

Third – if your husband doesn’t understand why the conversations with your MIL make you uncomfortable, and he doesn’t support you in severing that part of your relationship with her – then you now have a husband problem, NOT a MIL problem.  He can love her and love you without you loving each other (not that you don’t love one another, but you get my drift).  Referencing my issue stated earlier, my husband supports me in my choice to keep his parents at a distance.

Finally – your SILs relationship with your MIL is none of your business.  It SHOULD have zero bearing on your marriage, but your allowing to create tension between you and your husband.  Knock it off.   It’s ok to be an ear to listen and give advice if that’s where it ends.  Clearly that’s not the case with you.  So if this topic is going to upset you, then you need to tell your MIL and your SIL that will no longer discuss it with them.

Bottom line, you need to take some responsibility for this too.  Sure, your MIL sounds like a nut, but you continue to communicate with her knowing full well that you’re going to be annoyed, uncomfortable, mad, etc.  Then you piss and moan to your husband about it, causing a rift in your marriage.  Do you see how you are culpable?

Post # 5
Member
12250 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Time to “suddenly be busy” a LOT! Can you just ignore them except for holidays?

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@amybarret:  I agree with pp’s, stay out of it! Your SIL’s relationship w/ your MIL shouldnt affect yours.

You need to stay cordial and kind with your MIL and not try to alter you husbands view of his mother. It sounds like culturally, that wont happen. One day youll have children and i hope they dont let a woman change their view of you, wife or not!

Post # 7
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am sorry that you are dealing with such a tough situation.  The most troubling part is that it seems to be coming between you and your husband.  I really think that you both need to communicate with the help of a disinterested third party, ie marriage counsellor.  If you and your husband can get onto the same page, you will be so  much happier.  Sometimes people try to talk to each other, but walls are put up and they act defensively.  The therapist can serve as a voice of reason to prevent both of you from getting needlessly defensive.  Unfortunately, it will be really difficut to change your mother in law.  If you and your husband can both agree on boundaries with her, then you can be happy with each other and happier with her than if you always let her bring so much negativity to you.

Post # 8
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Jemma’s right.  And for sure don’t give anyone a pass just because they live in Asia and it’s part of the culture.  Worry about whether she moves in with YOU when that’s seriously proposed…and if that were to happen, you’re not in the best position if you’ve allowed your SIL & BIL’s problems to come between you and your husband.

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