Post # 1
So my in-laws (mainly FMLI but Future Father-In-Law can do it too) want to see us all the damn time. They tried setting up aweekly sunday night dinner with us, that did not fly. They live 15 minutes away and my parents live 25 minutes away. I just feel like it isn’t fair because if we see them so much that means we should see my parents and then there is to time left for my Fiance and I. He is completely on board with me and runs intereference but he says he cannot talk to his mom because he has tried in the past and she just does not get it. She sees it as rejection instead of just space so he has given up and just says “no” when she asks.
Anyways, this is a venting thread and not an advice thread as I know what needs to be done and we do it but it still doesn’t improve. The latest issue really has both of us fuming. Fiance has been in school for the past few years and he is finishing and up for 2 jobs. One that is an hour away and would require us to move at some point to cut down on the commute and another one that is 5 hours away in Future Mother-In-Law hometown (her mother and her brother still live there).
We both really want the 5 hour away one because we know the area, have family nearby and my parent vacation every summer in that town so even though we are moving its not like family will never see us.
We told Mother-In-Law this as she was asking about how the job process was going and she was really pushing the job closer until we said we are hoping for the one in her hometown and she said “I want you close to me and home”.
My Fiance had to walk away to hide his rage and just said “we aren’t joined at the hip anymore”. I am just super irritated that she takes this view. Her whole family is up there, my family vacations up there, she can easily come visit us when she visits her own mother (who is aging and we will be near). But she chooses to take the view that she has to keep us close to her, where job prospects are not as good and where we don’t want to raise a family.
So anyways, both IL’s are pushing us to stay here instead of moving so Fiance and I are just making are own plans. It is just super frustrating.
Now tell me your stories!
Post # 3
My Fiance was scheduled for a job interview in CA this January, for Christmas – his mum gave us a picnic basket, arranged a sad face when we opened it and said “Let’s just hope you don’t get that job… because it’s not as you will bring it with you if you move to the states”…
THIS WAS HIS DREAM JOB!
Unfortunately, he didn’t get it this time (they recommended him to apply again next year) and we were both very sad about it. Future Mother-In-Law “From a selfish viewpoint I’m so happy that I can keep you close a little longer”.
Post # 4
@eocenia: This is totally something that my Mother-In-Law would say! At least my Fiance is on side with me.
Post # 5
You might want to read “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s a Christian book, but the premise should work whether you are Christian or not. And maybe give the in-laws a copy. But be careful with that.
Post # 6
@missjewels: My Fiance is on the same side as me as well – I honestly would have walked out from it otherwise!
Post # 7
My Mother-In-Law doesn’t understand why we don’t want to see her every weekend either. She is lonely, which I sympathize with, but I have a full time and rather exhausting job. I need some weekends to myself. She is getting better though. She seems to be slowly figuring out that we can’t take responsibility for her social life. It’s tough.
Post # 8
Ugh. I dated a family like that, once. It was MISERABLE. Just get as far away as possible.
I’m lucky… Fiance was living 7.5 hours away from his family when we met! But if they lived 15 mins down the road… I think it would be a much harder relationship.
Post # 9
John Cloud and Henry Townsend write some amazing stuff!
I’m a MOB with 4 grown kids and a 17yo son. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
I will admit though, I learned the most about boundaries by reading wedding boards over the years. I think I am a pretty good Mother-In-Law because I never stop over unannounced, I don’t demand their presence on holidays, and I follow all their rules with their kids. Oh, and I don’t ask for much of their time on weekends at all.
If you make yourself easy to be around you are welcomed into your children’s lives. If you are a PITA you will be treated like a PITA. No rocket science there.
OP and eocenia – MOVE and put some distance between you guys and the Mother-In-Law. I had the best 2 MIL’s EVER. Seriously. They both rocked and I couldn’t have been more blessed to have them in my life.
Your MIL’s don’t understand boundaries so I would create some asap. I hear oceans work well…