(Closed) MIL Problems

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry you’re going through this! It sounds like most of her issues are with letting go of her son, which gets reflected on you since you’re “taking him away”. I would put this in the category of issues that your fiance needs to deal with and stay out of it as much as possible, other than being accommodating and friendly with her, which it sounds like you already are already doing. 

Post # 4
Member
4355 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

First off, the speaking dutch in front of you is so rude. My SO is dutch, well his father is but he doesn’t speak any..  my family is french- very french and even my relatives who can barely speak a lick of english to get them by speak what they can in english in front of him. NEVER is there a french conversation going on in front of him because as you’ve stated, and as pretty much everyone knows it’s completely disrespectful.

As for her anger issues, I think she just hasn’t come to terms with the fact that you hold such an important place in FI life, but she will have to. It’s good that your FI agrees with you and is standing up for you, this would be much more difficult if he sided with mom even a little bit.

I would just keep doing what you’re doing to work out it but I think she does owe you an appology before you can move forward. You sound like you’re making an effort to join the families together and that is more than enough to be considered a wonderful FDIL.

Post # 5
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Wow, This post is like listening to myself! I completely feel your pain as my FI is German, his parents moved here just after he was born. Both speak english, gee, except when I’m around.

I have never felt welcomed when I am at their house. Sit down dinners are a 4 hour affair consisting of conversation in a foreign language, or absolout silence. If they do speak in english its mostly to bash north american culture because clearly its not offensive to me to have to listen to this. I usually bawl my eyes out after I leave from the stress of it all. I should also add to this that his siblings are also horrible. If they talk to me they will later gossip about me behind his back…notice I said IF. Two of his sisters have never said anything anything to me…including HI!!!!

His mother really does not acknowledge our relationship. We’ve been together for 10 years, engaged for 4, largely because we’ve been waiting for his family to  be ok with it. He’s tried talking to her, but they don’t really talk about feelings and relationships in his family. At least after 10 years she’s realized that if she wants to have him over she has to invite me to (yes, this took her 10 years to realize)

 

My best advice probably isn’t going to make you feel better (because it really hasn’t myself), but its the truth. You can’t change his mother. In the event that she does change it will be slow, and she will probably never be the MIL you imagined or want. You have to live with who she is as best you can. Its not personal, she’d treat any woman in her son’s life the same.  Ignore her as best you can.

It sounds like your FI is on board and understands his mom is difficult. Thank him for that! Its such a difficult position to be put in. Don’t be affraid to tell him when she’s crossed the line becaues he’s there to support you. As for the emails, he needs to tell his mom he is not getting involved in that. Flat out, he should just tell her that is gossip about his wife and that is not ok. She’ll be pissed, but really wouldn’t she be anway?

The best thing for my FI and I is to talk about it. I tell him how I feel, and he tells me what he thinks. Most of the time the conclusion we draw is that’s just who his mom is and it has nothing to do with me. It’s frustrating, but I know I come first (and I think she does too) and thats what’s important.

 

You might also want to consider having him spend time with his mom w/out you. A bit hard because they are farther away, but its been such a relationship saver for us.

Post # 6
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Oh, also…I agree with you on the not learning a foreign language thing. The only german I know I learned in a volkswagon commercial. lol

Post # 8
Member
5 posts
Newbee

Ah, its all fun and games until someone has to learn dutch. My FFIL and FstepMIL speak dutch to each other (she’s dutch, neither myself or my FH speak it), which I think is extremely rude. I’m supposed to accept him speaking a language I don’t understand, giving my partner numbers for other girls he thought were ‘better’ (18 months into our now 5 year relationship), pulling my dress up over my head because he realised I was wearing a corset under it (WTF?), ‘apologising’ with a one line email to my boyfriend when he has my phone number, saying that anyone with tattoos, facial hair (me, my FH, and FBIL) is filthy and unemployable, kicking me out of his house because his wife (who never says grace, or goes to mass, or has ever mentioned anything about religion) is a devoted catholic and was deeply offended by our discussion of World Youth Day as we thought it should include other religious and non religious groups, not just catholics. He also gets filthy drunk every night, and when I tried before we moved to the USA to have a decent chat saying that I understood we both loved his son, neither of us were going anywhere and we needed to have a civil relationship for FH’s sake, he called me a gold digging trash whore and the worst thing that had ever happened to his son. Yay. Lets just say that we live in the USA, they live in Australia, and FBIL lives in Germany. The question is, do we have the wedding here or in Australia? I’m tempted to make them all get off their butts and on a plane.

I can’t believe your FMIL brought wine under the guise of a gift so she could basically drink it herself (knowing she was the only wine drinker). Would it kill her to bring some flowers instead? FBIL’s GF and I were bitching together about FFIL when we were both in Australia – to be honest, its not healthy and its better to sort things with your FH. 

I wish you the best of luck, and strength in working it out.

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