Weddingbee boards

Hello,

I normally post under another name but since I really don't want this to trace back to me I'm using another name. I'm having MIL problems.  Without going into too many details, I've essentially discovered that my MIL didn't have as good intentions as I thought she did.  At the begining of the planning process, she was very supportive and repeatedly told me that I was free to make my own decisions.  Now that we're getting closer (please note the date on this profile is not my real wedding date), it feels as if she's done a complete Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde on me. 

She's calling both FI and I in panics now over the stupidest details such as seating arrangements, food selection, how the ceremony brochures are being designed, how and when the invitations will go out...  I wish I could explain further but I really don't want to give myself away, but trust me, it's stupid.  As stupid as arguing over how the silveware is going to be arranged on the table.  Everytime I say anything that goes against what she wants, I'm greeted with a barrage of emails talking about how my request doesn't make any sense and how it "concerns" her.  She's always very polite but in the meanwhile, she'll call FI right afterwards and say very means things about my family and I. She then goes on to guilt him about how he isn't supporting her or anything she wants.

I just really don't know what to do anymore.  FI has been supportive but it's still his mom, and I know even though he does stand up for me, in the end he just ignores the awful things she says and forgives her each time.  But I feel like I'm reaching the end of my rope and I don't want to hate her but it's getting harder each time.

After our last dramatic event, just the idea of having to deal with this for the rest of my life is sending me into panics.  And if she's like this now, what will it be like when we have children.  She's already expressing concern with FI on whether we're going to be raising our children the proper way... I love FI and he's so wonderful to me, but I'm starting to have doubts about our future together now.  Just hearing his mother talk about our future children like that scares me and makes me almost never want to have children...which is something I never thought I would ever say.

I really don't know how to deal with this.  I don't want to tell my family and friends about it because I know they'll just defend me and make me even angrier with her which doesn't really help with anything.  At the same time, I feel like I can't tell FI about all of this because it's going to hurt him and I can't see him figuring out a solution either....

Sorry this is so long...I just feel so alone and lost right now, I dont' know what to do.  Have any of you dealt with MIL problems?  How did you handle it? 

Thanks so much girls for the support. I don't know what I would've done without this board.

@KatNYC2011: My parents and his are splitting all the costs 50/50, but since we're both from different backgrounds, it's been a lot of compromises and negotiations to get all the traditions for both sides into the wedding.  The problem is, as the day gets closer and we have to make more definite decisions, his side isn't willing to compromise at all.  They're not respecting the requests my parents have asked for and are blaming FI for taking my parent's side and not theirs, but the thing is, my parents have not requested anything that effected MIL or any of her guests.  Additionally, my parents have agreed to all of MIL's requests so far even though I know it's not what they wanted and many of them have just added significantly to the total cost of the wedding.  So it's really unfair for MIL to be angry at that and on top of that to start complaining about decisions we've already made and paid for (which she to our faces smiled and pretended to be excited about...)  I really hope all the craziness dies down too, but unfortunately I have a feeling MIL is always going to be like this.  =/

@NDBee: Thank you for the advice :)  I agree, this is something he'll have to step up and handle.  FI and I have always been honest and open with each other, it's killing me that I can't tell him exactuly how I feel right now about MIL but you're right, I'll be careful about how I word myself and let him handle MIL and her drama from now on. I'm just so frusterated with all of this. 

I've dated men before with rude and mean mothers and I promised myself that before I married anyone I will make sure to avoid getting a monster-in-law.  An now...with this, I'm just so angry that after thinking I was lucky to have found such a great guy with a great family....to uncover all of this months before we're suppose to be married that is was all fake :(

@Hidden_Identity:  You have no idea how identical our lives sound right now! I've been looking for days for people who have gone through something similar so I could garner some advice without having to spill all the details of my life in front of everyone. My FI and I come from different backgrounds and are working on incorporating both families' traditions into the wedding. My future in-laws went from being warm and welcoming to cold and full of hatred almost overnight after I asked what I thought was a very innocuous question. At the same time, my FMIL keeps telling us that she expects this and that from things having to deal with the wedding all the way to how her grandchildren are going to be raised. I'm having trouble getting FI to stand up to them and tell them that they're being childish, that I make him happy and that should be enough for their approval, and that we're going to build our family the way we think is best.

Okay... so maybe not as identical as I first thought, but we have a lot of the same worries. Will this calm down when we're married and nobody is dealing with the stress of planning the wedding or are these things that are just now cropping up only a sign of things to come? While I don't know the answer to that question, I do know that we come first and my family and his family come second.