Post # 1
I normally post under another name but since I really don’t want this to trace back to me I’m using another name. I’m having Mother-In-Law problems. Without going into too many details, I’ve essentially discovered that my Mother-In-Law didn’t have as good intentions as I thought she did. At the begining of the planning process, she was very supportive and repeatedly told me that I was free to make my own decisions. Now that we’re getting closer (please note the date on this profile is not my real wedding date), it feels as if she’s done a complete Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde on me.
She’s calling both Fiance and I in panics now over the stupidest details such as seating arrangements, food selection, how the ceremony brochures are being designed, how and when the invitations will go out… I wish I could explain further but I really don’t want to give myself away, but trust me, it’s stupid. As stupid as arguing over how the silveware is going to be arranged on the table. Everytime I say anything that goes against what she wants, I’m greeted with a barrage of emails talking about how my request doesn’t make any sense and how it “concerns” her. She’s always very polite but in the meanwhile, she’ll call Fiance right afterwards and say very means things about my family and I. She then goes on to guilt him about how he isn’t supporting her or anything she wants.
I just really don’t know what to do anymore. Fiance has been supportive but it’s still his mom, and I know even though he does stand up for me, in the end he just ignores the awful things she says and forgives her each time. But I feel like I’m reaching the end of my rope and I don’t want to hate her but it’s getting harder each time.
After our last dramatic event, just the idea of having to deal with this for the rest of my life is sending me into panics. And if she’s like this now, what will it be like when we have children. She’s already expressing concern with Fiance on whether we’re going to be raising our children the proper way… I love Fiance and he’s so wonderful to me, but I’m starting to have doubts about our future together now. Just hearing his mother talk about our future children like that scares me and makes me almost never want to have children…which is something I never thought I would ever say.
I really don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to tell my family and friends about it because I know they’ll just defend me and make me even angrier with her which doesn’t really help with anything. At the same time, I feel like I can’t tell Fiance about all of this because it’s going to hurt him and I can’t see him figuring out a solution either….
Sorry this is so long…I just feel so alone and lost right now, I dont’ know what to do. Have any of you dealt with Mother-In-Law problems? How did you handle it?
Post # 3
@Hidden_Identity: I think you just need to be kind but firm. Thank her for her opinions, if it’s a good suggestion take it, if it’s a bad one just let her know things are already taken care of.
If she’s bad-talking you to her son, he needs to let her know that his allegiances are to you now and it is not ok for her to do that to him.
I’d hope most of this would settle down after the wedding since weddings tend to make people a bit crazy.
It sounds like she’s getting a lot of wedding stress even though se’s the MOG not the bride.
Is she contributing any money? Or just a lot of unwanted opinions?
Post # 4
@KatNYC2011: I agree.
I’d also state again for emphasis that you should talk to Fiance. Not in any sort of accusatory way, but let him know that this is causing you stress, worry, and frustration. Not that you doubt your relationship but you doubt the way you’ll be able to handle her constant involvement and how that will stress you two out.
He needs to handle this one dead on. Mama or not, you’re the new woman in his life. Even if she is paying/contributing, she shouldn’t be contributing all this extra stress and sniping. I’ve had this convo with Mr.ND already, and he straight up said to her the next time “it’s our wedding, not yours, and I don’t appreciate X,Y,Z. I know your intentions are good, but it’s causing stress and you’ve already had your own wedding, this one is ours.” It wasn’t exactly warm and fuzzy, but it’s calmed things down a lot.
I think this is your FI’s issue to manage, and you need to communicate to him how and why it bothers you. Best of luck!
Post # 5
Thanks so much girls for the support. I don’t know what I would’ve done without this board.
@KatNYC2011: My parents and his are splitting all the costs 50/50, but since we’re both from different backgrounds, it’s been a lot of compromises and negotiations to get all the traditions for both sides into the wedding. The problem is, as the day gets closer and we have to make more definite decisions, his side isn’t willing to compromise at all. They’re not respecting the requests my parents have asked for and are blaming Fiance for taking my parent’s side and not theirs, but the thing is, my parents have not requested anything that effected Mother-In-Law or any of her guests. Additionally, my parents have agreed to all of MIL’s requests so far even though I know it’s not what they wanted and many of them have just added significantly to the total cost of the wedding. So it’s really unfair for Mother-In-Law to be angry at that and on top of that to start complaining about decisions we’ve already made and paid for (which she to our faces smiled and pretended to be excited about…) I really hope all the craziness dies down too, but unfortunately I have a feeling Mother-In-Law is always going to be like this. =/
@NDBee: Thank you for the advice 🙂 I agree, this is something he’ll have to step up and handle. Fiance and I have always been honest and open with each other, it’s killing me that I can’t tell him exactuly how I feel right now about Mother-In-Law but you’re right, I’ll be careful about how I word myself and let him handle Mother-In-Law and her drama from now on. I’m just so frusterated with all of this.
I’ve dated men before with rude and mean mothers and I promised myself that before I married anyone I will make sure to avoid getting a monster-in-law. An now…with this, I’m just so angry that after thinking I was lucky to have found such a great guy with a great family….to uncover all of this months before we’re suppose to be married that is was all fake 🙁
Post # 6
Oh god. While I never did marry my ex, his mother was definitely our main stressor. He needs to tell her that this is your wedding, not hers, and while you will listen to her suggestions, you do not need to commit to them.
What broke us up was when I got pregnant with our son. She got demanding during the pregnancy and he never addressed her. Then, when our son was born, she started saying things about my breastfeeding, and many other things. My ex struggled with parenting demands and she convinced him to move home since it was too much for him.
My lesson? He needs to support you AND set her straight in a firm but gentle way. He needs to reassure her that the two of you are adults and while you will make mistakes during the way, the choice is yours. If you feel like he won’t always have your back, it should be something that’s addressed before the wedding.
I remember that frustration and feeling like I was on pins and needles. I hope you can get her to start respecting your decisions.
Post # 7
@Hidden_Identity: You have no idea how identical our lives sound right now! I’ve been looking for days for people who have gone through something similar so I could garner some advice without having to spill all the details of my life in front of everyone. My Fiance and I come from different backgrounds and are working on incorporating both families’ traditions into the wedding. My future in-laws went from being warm and welcoming to cold and full of hatred almost overnight after I asked what I thought was a very innocuous question. At the same time, my Future Mother-In-Law keeps telling us that she expects this and that from things having to deal with the wedding all the way to how her grandchildren are going to be raised. I’m having trouble getting Fiance to stand up to them and tell them that they’re being childish, that I make him happy and that should be enough for their approval, and that we’re going to build our family the way we think is best.
Okay… so maybe not as identical as I first thought, but we have a lot of the same worries. Will this calm down when we’re married and nobody is dealing with the stress of planning the wedding or are these things that are just now cropping up only a sign of things to come? While I don’t know the answer to that question, I do know that we come first and my family and his family come second.
Post # 8
I highly recommend having him read Toxic Parents and having you read Toxic Inlaws. SO helpful. FI’s mother is a manipulator/guilt tripper. The books really helped us untangle twisted thinking, ending manipulation cycles, and setting boundries. The biggest thing was learning not to tell her about anything until it already came to pass. For example, we did not ask her to look at venues with us, we told her which one we put a deposit on. She couldn’t express her negative opinions on things that were already done. If she did, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s already set in stone.”
The other big thing we learned was to approach everything as US/WE. WE do not want a buffet, we want an upscale rehearsal dinner to match the mood of the wedding, etc. Nothing was Me vs Future Mother-In-Law or Fiance vs Future Mother-In-Law. It has helped the process become Our Wedding Planning, not FMIL’s Opinion Game.
Post # 9
@MrsBroccoli: That is great advice. But, you really need to make sure your partner is 100% on board for this to work.
Post # 10
I don’t want this to sound negative but it probably will continue on the way you are dreading. She will most likely get worse once you have children. I lived this for 18 years and tried everything I could to get my Mother-In-Law to like me and she just never did. I had her over every mothers day for dinner….the whole shebang. At least your Mother-In-Law is being polite to you. I think her badmouthing you to her son needs to STOP. He should stand up to his Mom and tell her that it hurts HIM when she talks badly of you and your family. But getting him to do so might be hard. My ex always took my part when Mother-In-Law was making trouble. My current fiance has a hard time standing up for me…and it is with his grown kids(who are rude to me and disprespect him). I’ve found it is either in them or it’s not.
I hope your fiance will put an end to this. He doesn’t even have to be mean to do so. Just set the boundary with his Mom that he does not want to hear any derogatory things about you or your family.
I understand how upsetting this is for you. How could it not be? But probably the best attitude to adopt is one of not letting it get to you overmuch. Don’t give her the power to upset you. Listen to her ideas if you have to and respectfully disagree or do what YOU/FH want. We can’t live our lives to please others. Good Luck!