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Sorry you're going through this! Without knowing all the ins and outs of your relationship, it sounds like your husband isn't doing his part sticking up for you. He's the one you need to sit and talk to!
Wow. sorry your in-laws are so difficult. Unfortunately for you, I think your mother is right. They are your child's grandparents, your husband's parents, so they are also part of your family and you can't just not see them ever...
I think it's the kind of situation where you just have to go, smile, play nice, and be happy when dinner's over and it's time to go home...
Whoa, sorry you are going through this. I think you really have two choices here: 1) let your husband deal with them exclusively and don't go to their house, or anywhere else with them; or 2) accept that some people are just crazy, don't feed into their drama, just smile and nod. I know that is easier said than done, but I can't think of any other way out of this.
I have some similar issues with my IL's(they're divorced but both crazy). MIL specifically. It's been a very rough road. DH had stopped talking to her for 4 months, but recently she pressured him to go talk with her and her therapist. He agreed and now they have smoothed things over, so that they at least have conversation. I really don't want anything to do with her, because she is abusive towards me, and to be honest everyone. She also tried to get my mother involved through a facebook message and my mother quickly put her in her place. She even had her bf call me and verbally assault me once too, which is the reason DH had stopped talking to her. I have decided that I will be all smiles for holiday's but that's it. No extra activities or anything like that. I will keep visits very short and will probably schedule my families stuff after theirs in order to get out. However, my DH is supportive of this. I think you're in a little bit tighter of a spot because he seems to be caught in the middle.
That sounds like a tough situation. If I were in your position I would make an effort and be as kind as possible. Be the bigger person for your child's sake. It's not about who's right or wrong, its about providing the best possible family support for him/her.
I think the larger issue is your husband not supporting you. He needs to see how ridiculous his family is, and stand his ground with you, because right now it is you against everyone, including him. You need a united front, and then to put your foot down. There is no reason that a family should act that way, and you have every right to stand up for yourself,a nd not lay down and take it. I know some people are telling you the opposite, but I honestly could not do that, my head would explode!
While I don't have a baby on the way, I do have similar problems with my future ILs and my FI not sticking up for me. I can completely relate to everything you say, including denying things they say and do.
I tried to confront my FMIL on the phone - she denied everything when we talked and basically caused a huge blow up. The biggest issue we have is that my FI has not seen his mother acting this way ever before, so he has a hard time believing it. Yet, his ex-girlfriend had the same treatment (her and I are very good friends now).
My solution is to record all calls and have no conversations that are either not recorded or he is not present. This way, when she dares to lie, I can playback exactly what she says. I avoid talking to her on my own now - I go for family events, and just try to be nice. I keep my mouth shut the majority of the time, as something always comes out to bite me.
I was also raised to be able to speak my mind and tell someone when I wasn't comfortable with something. My FI was not. His parents flip out whenever he has a fight with either of his siblings, as that is unacceptable. His mom hates that I bicker with my sisters - but that is life and while we fight and argue, we love each other and probably get along better and want to hang out more than FI and his siblings.
It's hard, and it likely won't get better, unless you FI decides to stick up for you or your inlaws get a reality check. Hey, it may happen..
Two things need to happen:
1)You and your husband have to talk. You have to find out why he doesn't back you up and/or deal with his difficult parents so you aren't put in such an awkward position all the time. It would be nice if your husband would agree to stop discussing your marriage with his parents, and stop running home to mommy when you two have a fight--I bet that's 90% of the reason they are awful--because of his actions in the past, they believe that their son will choose them over you.
2)You need to stop feeding the flames. If your MIL ignores you at a party? Who cares? You're having a great time. If your FIL starts an argument? Tell him to leave until he's civil, or leave the room and let your husband deal with him. Stop calling your parents to "witness" the verbal abuse and acusations--that's straight out of an episode of "Cops." If your MIL yells, don't yell back. There is a BIG difference between standing up for yourself, and participating in unneccessary drama. You don't want your child growing up with this kind of hostility being expressed by both sides.
You all have great advice. Thank you. As far as calling my family, again that was wrong of me, but I am 8 months pregnant and came to the point that I was almost shaking dealing with FIL. I didn't know what I would do and felt like my back was up against the wall. Again, that is my problem I guess for letting myself get that upset. The shower did go on and I did have a great time. But really, who acts like that at a shower for thier grandchild? So do you all suggest I just go over for Easter dinner then as planned and slap on a happy face? This will be the next issue..
Personally, I wouldn't go to Easter. Can you make plans with your family so at least you have a good reason for not going? I am of the mindset that just because you are married doesn't mean you can't go your separate ways every now and then for holidays and family events anyway.
I had similar issues w/ my in-laws (not about kids, just in general) and to answer your ques, yes - go to the dinner and remain happy, positive, and respectful. Honestly, if they try to bring up any of the shower drama, I would respectifully decline talking about that. If she apologizes say thank you & change the subject.
No matter what I have been through w/ my in-laws I have always remained respectful - I have never been in an argument w/ them (my husband has had arguements as a result of standing up for me, but I have never myself) I refuse to argue w/ them.
This is what you need to do - as much as you may not want to bite your tounge, your relationship w/ your husband is more important then speaking your mind to your in-laws. What also needs to happen, is that your husband needs to step in and tell his parents that no outbursts like this shower arguement will happen again, and that they are not to argue, or yell at you again. Point blank, he needs to man up on this one.
I don't think there's any reason you have to go to his parents house for Easter. I think everyone needs to cool down, and they have to see that the more unreasonable they are, the more you will have to adjust how much time you are able to spend with them. Given the recent drama, I think it is reasonable for you and your husband to have a quiet Easter together. Do have your husband call his dad and wish him happy birthday.
Re-reading my previous post, I sound a little harsh on you, and I apologize. The best advice I have ever gotten on dealing with difficult people is that you cannot change how other people behave. You can only change how you react to it. Your original post seemed to equate going toe-to-toe with your MIL with "standing up for yourself." But standing up for yourself (and your child) can also mean speaking quietly, or removing yourself from a situation without comment. Your husband and parents know about this behavior, so there's no need to "prove" it to anyone, nor will you get any points for "winning" a shouting match with your MIL/FIL. Take care!
I think since you already agreed to go to Easter dinner, you should. But if your MIL in any way disrespects you like she has in the past, then leave.
If she expects to be a part of your child's life then she needs to get over whatever she has against you and learn to be civil. Your child comes first, and the last thing your kid needs to see is their grandmother constantly disrespecting their mother. It's up to your ILs. If they want to be actively involved in their grandchild's life then they need to put their pettiness aside. I would not expose my child to the toxic environment they're currently creating.
And your husband needs to learn that he can't just run away from every problem you guys have. He's going to be a father. What kind of example does he think he's setting?
Grab your husband, pack your shit and move far far far away. I hear Canada is nice this time of year ;)
Best of luck in whatever you choose to do. I would not recant the invite, but I would show and not speak..... free meal ;)
@Ms. MonKey: No, canada is actually cold and crappy right now. If you're going to leave, head to Mexico. :)
I would go to dinner since you said you would. But I would also request a future lunch/dinner date with your MIL where you can both decide to let bygones be bygones and start over clean without having to hash out the last several years. You will be forced to be together for the sake of your mutual relationships so there is no point in figuring who has been right or wrong or requiring apologies. But I see that as the only way to last the next 30+ years.
And the next time there is a fight, your husband can't go to their house. It's one thing if they would allow him to go so he can get some breathing room but it's another if they feel they have to help. Although overall I'm not on board with running home.
@mommytobee: Haha, I'm in SD in the states, but I thought the same thing, "Don't go north!" But how about Vancouver? They seem to have nice temps?
I don't know, I think you should just go, because it is tomorrow. Just don't say anything, and maybe you can leave early? Like say that you need to let your dog out or something? Or that your feeling really uncomortable from the pregnancy, and you have a migraine or something, so time to go nap, but thanks for the meal and happy Easter!?
From now on (post-Easter), I'd avoid them. And you can stand up for yourself by removing yourself from a situation, so do that. Also, next time your mom insists its the best way, you can bring up this shower drama, so there's that silver lining! :)
@MrsSl82be: DITTO that. My ex was just like that, and he ultimately left when our son was 7 months old. His mother insisted that I was demanding too much of him, the baby should be my responsibilty and he moved home with her.
Best thing that had ever happened to me (once I got over the initial fear/disappointment/sadness) and my life is so much more peaceful now.
You need your husband on board with you or this will only get worse as that baby arrives and spends time there with them.
Well the Dr. Phil in me says to go to the dinner, be respectful and polite. Then you have a choice not to attend anymore future functions.
The little devil in me says I would fake ill (because of the baby of course) and stay home or visit other family. I would definitely get in my FH's ass for not defending me if I feel it cocmes to that. I don't give a damn if I am more wrong than plaids and stripes.
I heart phantom. I did not think your first post was too harsh, it's spot on. 1) hubby needs to help, 2) they may have started the fights but you are feeding them. In reading the long long posts, it reminded me of two kids to be honest: He started it! Yeah, but he did this! As an outsider, just reading it, it was very tiring to be honest. Just stop the drama - if that means only seeing MIL with other people present, then so be it. Don't escalate things.
I probably did feed the fire, but I have now learned my lesson and what they are all about. I will no longer speak to my MIL without my husband present, like someone else suggested, that way no conversations will be twisted and there will be no lies. I also now know she will try to ruin family parties, that's just her.
Secondly, I told my husband he needs to speak with his mother regarding this issue and have my back. If that means me having to be in his presence when he does this, so be it. Also, I decided I'm not going over for the Holiday. I need a stress free day and my unborn child has to be my first priority. When I told my husband this I was guilt tripped and told "I'm making things worst by not going there to spend the day with them and I'm going back on my word. and I thought eveything was fine now." I don't know, I don't feel obligated to attend and slap on a fake happy face. It is also his dad's bday so let him go and spend the day with them and let everything cool off. He also suggested I call them up, lie and tell them I am sick and wish them a happy easter. Why am I going to lie? I'm sure they are well aware of why I'm not attending when they don't see me. Thing is, I had a civil relationship with the IL's, they are not my favorite people and I didn't see them much, but things were OK. It is what it is...
Since the two of you are married, you pretty much accepted the way his family was and the way he deals with things. He is being put in the middle, but instead of putting his foot down and your relationship first, he has chickened out. My ex and I had VERY similar issues with his mom and it was frustrating and ultimately contributed to the disolving of our relationship. Its not going to change or get better so something either needs to be said (drastic), or accept it for the way it is. Either way, they will be involved in your life because their blood runs through your childs veins.
HAHAHAHA...sorry. Sounds like my life.
My ILs are crazy too. Your MIL is psychotic! How is she going to deny something that everyone in attendance watched her do? Stupid. I would just ignore them, and next time your FIL says "it's all about the family" just tell him "yes, it is all about the family, my family is DH, baby and I and if you can't start acting like a normal adult human being, then our baby will not be around you"
So sorry you are dealing with that. I would have been adamant with my mom about NOT having any of the ILs over for the shower. My mom would have agreed with me though because she can't stand my MIL. I can't even mention my MIL and her antics on the phone without my mom losing it. :|
I do have to say, since I got pregnant my DH has really stood up. His mom wanted us to make a 1200 mile trip to MN for a babyshower. I told her not with gas prices this high and not when I have 0 vacation time. What little time I have I want to use for maternity leave. DH finally told his mom to drop it. She doesn't mention it on the phone anymore, but she does email me. Those I can ignore and DH doesn't have to see :)
This is awful and I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
Have you ever considered something "crazy" like having a friend do a documentary on the baby and then you can have video proof of anything. I know it's a ridiculous idea, but it seems like you need an objective outsider who can *be* there and show her how she (MIL) looks to the outside world.
Sign a contract with the friend just so that legally you have some obligation to have the friend taping. It never has to go anywhere.
/end crazy idea
I agree with the others. You need your husband to "man up." He needs to know how much this is affecting you and what kind of effects it could have on your baby.
They are in your life forever, and you have to deal with them at least a little bit. You need to talk all of you together--maybe instead of the marriage counceling she suggested for just you and your husband you could do family counceling with your husband *and* MIL and FIL?
>>MIL immediately made a face very obviously and turned her body so her back is to me like I wasn't there. I said hello to FIL and kept walking. I mean who does that? <<
Haha, my MIL! She did this at our wedding and would not face in my direction; part of the reception she faced the wall and like you EVERYONE noticed. It just makes her look stupid.
@MrsSl82be: Couldn't agree more. Just because you married into this does not make it okay for her to treat you this way.
I also refuse to be around my MIL alone; she twists enough when I have witnesses. Also if hubby ran home again, he would taking his crap with him because he would be living with mommy and the locks would be changed when he came back.
@MrsH1010: Ditto that. My relationship fell apart too for those very reasons and the ex-ILs got nastier once we were apart.
SAME SITUATION HERE! Only now a baby is involved, I dont here from ex FMIL at all about the baby but she is always very interested in the baby and asks my ex all the time. Too bad he doesnt know too much since he hasnt seen her in almost a month.
Please take heed...if he is not sticking up for you now, chances are he wont later and please dont learn that the hard way. Put your foot down before its too late.
Your husband really does need to step up on this issue. The #1 thing would be never talking about his marriage with them. Do they share his marital problems with him? No! Because that's not what you do in a parent/child relationship. That's for friends/counselors/wine. Not parents. And he has to stop running to them when you have a fight, period. That just fuels the fire.
Sounds like you had some good advice about not playing into their drama. I'm never one to say "Family is family is family, and you have to stick together no matter WHAT!" If people abuse you, mistreat you, or can't behave like an adult, no matter their blood-status, you don't owe them anything. Sorry. My husband's mother married a douche when he was little, and when new hubby had his own kids with her, told her to kick my husband out to live with her mother. WHICH SHE DID! What kind of mother does that?! And do you think for ONE SECOND I'll let her keep my baby in that house with an abusive man who hates the father of my child? Hells no! I don't care if she is a grandmother, that's not gonna happen. If this woman is hell-bent on hating you and making your life miserable, then cut her out of it. She'll either learn to play nice so she can be a part of her grandchild's life, or she'll stick to being wicked and bitter and deal with being without a member of her sacred "FAMILY"
personally i would go for Easter to keep the peace- sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and accept that they are crazy! but your husband should REALLY really be supporting you, even if he doesnt necessarily agree with you, he should support you over things that are emotional and upsetting. (having said that, i can see it must be horrible being stuck in the middle of his wife and Mum's arguments)
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I apologize that this is really long, but I don't know what to do, or who to turn to for advice and wanted to give you all some background.
To put it nicely I do not care for my ILs. I think MIL is phony, always the victim, shrew and I've never trusted either of them. Everything was all nicey nice until I spoke my mind about something MIL did to me to DH. THIS WAS ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO. He went back and confronted his mother about it and apparently, after her reaction, no one confronts mommy dearest or speaks their mind. I was raised very differently, I have no problem standing up for myself, I'm independent and I'm not going to play dead if something bothers me. I think this don't sit well with "the family” whom also don’t seem to like having outside relationships, it’s pretty creepy. There was a ton of crap done by "the family" during my wedding planning and after my wedding I pretty much distanced myself. I would go over their house for the holidays, b-days, I was always civil, never spoke back to them about the crap that spilled from their mouth, gave gifts, all while seeing them only when I had to. DH would go visit them without me, again I do not see the problem with this and he was not being kept from them. I also never had a close relationship with the ILS or even really spoke with them outside of seeing each other before we got married anyway so what was going to change.
So, a few months back DH and I had an issue and he ran back to mommy and daddy's house, yes I realized he was a momma’s boy. His parents decided to become involved with our marriage issue, even going so far as calling up my family and insisting that the entire family have a "sit down" lol. My family flat out told them no, they would not get involved in our personal marriage issues. The issue was not even about MIL, but she made it about her. Anyway, mommy pushed herself on the phone with me, whining and I finally confronted her on things she had done in the past which offended me, all which she denied, of course. I've found out that "lying" is the way to handle things in their "perfect" family. I told her to please stop talking over me and instead she got louder and louder to the point that I had to end the call with her. I told her "You are yelling over me. I am going to have to hang up." and I did just that. I proceeded to call her back and ask her if she wanted to speak again like adults, she agreed, but did the same thing again, only getting louder this time. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. I mean this is how you speak to your pregnant DIL who is carrying your grandchild? Nice way to put someone under stress. I had to end the call again and that was the last I spoke to her.
My mother had started planning my baby shower and I told her I did not want my MIL there since I was still pissed over what happened. My mother did not want to keep the fire going nor disrespect his side of the family since this child will be related to them also, so she said she would invite her and family from his side. My MIL apologized to my mother, not me, for yelling, then said how she feels so awkward going and that she wanted to make sure I was not going to confront her at the party. Well of course, she's all about her fake appearance that she's the sugary sweet, soft spoke MIL, to her extended family. Well, I wasn't going to let her RUIN a joyous event for my unborn child and I figured she would behave herself at the party.
The day of my shower I walk in and everyone says surprise, is smiling, happy, I greet everyone from both sides and I walk over to my FIL who is standing next to my MIL. MIL immediately made a face very obviously and turned her body so her back is to me like I wasn't there. I said hello to FIL and kept walking. I mean who does that? My mother, my friend, EVERYONE saw her do this too. Anyway, for the rest of the shower she said not one word to me and I didn't go by her. I wanted to go over and tell her that since she clearly didn't want to be there she could leave but since I think she behaved like this WAITING for me to start with her, WANTING ATTENTION, I sat with my side of the family and my friend, even talked to MIL's sister, and had a great time. MIL sat there the ENTIRE night talking in her friends’ ear who then stared at me. I stared right back at her friend. I felt like I was at a high school lunch table. I mean what 60 year old crow acts like this? The best was when I opened up my gifts she sat with half her body turned from me with a puss on her face shaking her leg. It was priceless. Someone even commented "wow she's miserable."
When the party was over my FIL came back to my house to drop off gifts where he decided to confront me, mind you I am weeks away from my due date, IN MY OWN HOUSE about "What am I going to do about the family being divided?" I informed him that his wife based on how she acted during the day, seemed to still want to cause drama. He DENIED to my face that MIL ever turned her back to me and ignored me and then once again tried to turn it on me saying "I snubbed them." DH then got involved and FIL told my ball less husband "Oh, I know you are heated, why don't you come back to our house." Well, of course they want my husband back at home with them. He then started with a whole load of other accusations, pretty much grabbing at straws. The best quote from him was "Our family was representing at the shower, where was yours?" I mean who says this? Oh yes, his side had 6 more people then my side and I come from a small family. After about 10 minutes of lies, I ended up asking him to leave my house, he wouldn't and I wound up calling my family, I SHOULD HAVE NOT DONE THIS I KNOW, but I wanted someone there to witness this crap. I thought I was going to physically push him out of my door or call the cops
My mother came over and magically all the "accusations" stopped. MIL then denied until she was blue in the face that she turned and made the face when she saw me. My mother called her out on it as well saying she was standing right behind me and saw what she did. Finally, MIL said "Oh, well I have nothing to say about these allegations." The two of them then started whining about how they have been left out of this entire pregnancy. Again, that was their choice to never so much as pick up the phone, send an email, anything. If they want updates they can get them from their son. What were they expecting invites to my gyno appts? They then started whining about how they want the baby to "know them". Well of course, and how I haven't been over to their house since the holidays for dinner. What MIL pulled at my shower, the false accusations from FIL, that was all forgotten. They then both at the same time pretended to cry, telling DH and I that a marriage takes work, how they have been married for so long years and to please go to counseling.
Pretty much in order to get them to leave my house I just stood there shaking my head saying uhuh, ok. MIL then started taking out baby pictures from her wallet showing them to me and my mother now trying to be nice. What the hell? It ended up with MIL saying how all they want is have a chance to be involved with their grandchild and she wants me to go to their house for Easter dinner. It's also FIL's bday, so I'm going to be stuck spending his birthday with him? DH even told me how his mother is making a dish bc she knows I like that. His mother could give two craps about me, please. His parents have 0 respect for me, that is apparent and my husband doesn’t seem to be onboard with me. I've gotten no apology from MIL for anything and apparently it looks like this is the way they deal with things, by doing whatever they want to whomever they want and then "pretending" it never happened. I mean after all "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE FAMILLY." FIL likes to constantly repeat this phrase in my presence.
My mother told me that I can't just never go over their house again, especially with the baby coming and that I am putting DH in the middle. I don't have to like them, but I need to go over for Easter, especially since I said I would. I feel as though it would be me once again playing dead for these people who obviously have an agenda. My other friend said I schould call MIL, decline the invite and insist we talk face to face. I DO NOT TRUST BEING ALONE WITH MIL and I know confronting her again will get me nowhere. So do I just keep this ball rolling? What would you do and should I just forget about everything that has happened? Who is to say that this witch doesn't pull this type of thing again at another party?