MIL took over my wedding…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Wheres your FI in all of this? 

Post # 4
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

Something is seriously wrong here.  If you guys have paid for a venue you tell her NO – sorry that she did not listen but you don’t need to lose thousands, you NEED to set some boundaries.  Where was your FI in all of this?

Do not allow this to go another step.  Did you cancel what you paid for?  Did your FI side with her?

Post # 5
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@lifesaver08:  I don’t understand why you two as adults are allowingthis? If you are paying for your wedding like you say then she doesn’t get a say. Why would her booking a venue change your original plans?

Whilst I think your MIL is being pushy I certainly don’t feel like she is to blame here. You and your FI are to blame for this situation. You guys are allowing this to happen.

Post # 6
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Something doesn’t seem right.   Your FI should stand in and tell his mother he doesn’t like the fact she is taking over the wedding.

Post # 7
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Uhhh I’m lost. How old are you and your FI? Why hasnt he said something? Someone can only do what you/your FI allow them to do…..

Post # 8
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and she needs to be put on her leash now. I am shocked she even suggested cutting your side of the family from the guest list. 

 

I agree with the comments above, your FI needs to grow a pair and sort his mother out. She ought to compensate you for the money you have lost.

 

i feel for you man that sounds like an untenable situation

Post # 9
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lifesaver08:  Refuse her money and have the wedding you want. Tell your FI to pull his mother into line. I agree with other posters – why is your fiance letting her do this?

I would cancel the wedding rather than let my MIL tell me my own brother couldn’t come.

Post # 10
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

@lifesaver08:  I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are stressed and angry and I don’t think any bride should have to feel that way. If you don’t want to continue with this, you are going to have to take some responsibility for the situation, step up and speak up.

I don’t think this will be easy, but you can’t really blame all of this on FMIL. Why would YOU allow your brother to be cut from the guest list in favor of the fiance’s brother’s date and some random girl? Why would YOU allow MIL’s guests to stay at your house instead of your family? It definitely sounds like she is crossing lines but it also sounds like you’re letting her. I second the question posed by the other bees- where is your FI in all of this? My advice would be that you speak to him about your concerns. Then, create a guest list of the people that matter to you. Decide what venue, colors, etc. you want. Then you both talk to FMIL  and set your boundaries. If you want to enjoy your wedding you are going to have to take responsibility and make the changes you want to see.

Post # 13
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lifesaver08:  

you need to start as you mean to go on. If she’s acting like this now she may very we’ll continue her ridiculous controlling behaviour with other aspects of your life.

i fail to see how you could love a woman who is quite happy to tell you to eject your own flesh and blood from your wedding?! Stop indulging her, or if you are willing to endulge her prepare to put up with her unreasonsble behaviour.

it’s simply a case of put your foot down or put up and shut up (so to speak)

Post # 14
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@lifesaver08:  you’re chicken?  I mean this is a supportive way but you really gotta man up.  You’re getting married.  Do you have any idea how much courage and work it will take?  A hell of a lot more than standing up nicely to your FMIL.  You need to learn how to communicate with your FI or this wedding situation will be the least of your worries.  Just wait until life gets real.  I wish you luck but worrying about hurting your FMILs feelings at this point (after all tha you’ve told us) sounds really immature.  Time to hash things out.  It won’t be comfortable but you will be happier in the long run.

Post # 15
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lifesaver08:  Sorry but it’s time to hurt FMIL’s feelings a bit.

This is how manipulative people work. They take advantage of the fact that other people are too nice and meek and afraid of confrontation, and they use that to get their own way.

Talk to your fiance and get him to help you stand up to her. Agree on some not negotiable items, that you insist on having because it’s your wedding.

Post # 16
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

@lifesaver08:  I understand being afraid and I totally get not wanting to hurt her feelings. I think it’s really kind that you are considering her so much. You should also show some of that kindness to yourself! Here is what I would do:

Think about what really matters to you for your wedding- it sounds like having your brother there and the guest list are some of those things. Maybe write down what really matters to you and what you don’t want to compromise on. Have a conversation with FI and remind him that you love his mom and appreciate her wanting to help. Then tell him that while some of the changes have been fine, some are not what you want and it’s making you feel like you won’t have the wedding you want. Tell him what changes you want to make. Decide together what are your “must-haves” for your wedding. Then decide what role you want his mom to have in the rest of the planning process. You two will have to talk to her but maybe if he can take the lead in the conversation, like WE feel etc. etc. it will be easier.

Hope this helps!!

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