Post # 1
This is an update to my post just after our wedding about her behavior on our wedding day: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mil-is-controlling-and-awful#post-6464460
She has not spoken to me since our wedding, but has continued to try to cause problems in our relationship. She used to call DH up and say HORRIBLE things about me before he stopped tolerating this behavior. She sent him a series of text messages the week after our honeymoon saying that I am part of their family in “name only” and that we dont share the same values. She also told my husband she doesn’t “trust” me because I am not truthful when it comes to keeping him– whatever that means, considering we are MARRIED. She is paranoid and constantly accuses me of lying to her. She also wants my husband to FORCE me to accomodate her on many levels, among other things. She created a dramatic situation last week that is just too trivial for words. DH still wants to go to visit them for Thanksgiving because family is family. I have been searching and praying about how to go through with this holiday for his sake. I have reached out to her several times since the wedding, a few texts saying “I love you,” a package with some of her photos I had borrowed and decided to mail back, etc. and have gotten zero responses from her. I think she wants to use Thanksgiving as a “showdown” of sorts.
I am looking for some Christian advice on dealing with a difficult in law, such as this. ANy thoughts are welcome and appreciated.
Post # 3
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: wow, this is hard.
May I ask a few questions?
Is your MIL a christian? Is your DH?
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
In all honesty it’s something your husband has the control to stop and he is choosing not to. He told her to stop calling him and she did. Now it’s time for him to tell her to stop it all or he will cut off some or all contact for at least a short period of time.
You need to discuss with your husband what you agree to do as a couple if she can’t behave at Thanksgiving. I personally recommend agreeing to go into the holiday with a positive frame of mind, give her a verbal warning if she says anything inappropriate, then leave the home immediately if she persists. Your MIL needs tough to understand that her behavior and commentary are not going to be tolerated.
P.S. If she can’t behave at Thanksgiving, then you and your husband need to make alternate plans for Christmas.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Is your DH opposed to you not going with him to Thanksgiving ? Can you go to your family Thanksgiving instead? Usually I say just to suck it up, but she sounds absolutely horrid.
Post # 6
@AnaA: They both are Christians. It is not for me to judge, but her behavior is not always very “Christian” in my opinion. She holds grudges better than anyone EVER, according to her son (my DH).
here is another thread that I forgot I had posted about my MIL from back when we were engaged: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/fmil-trying-to-break-us-up#axzz2lmlMYuL8
It may give some more insight into this situation.
Post # 7
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: No person should have to dread a family gathering or be ready for a battle at the dinner table, I would talk to my husband and tell him that I would rather have a private holiday at home or with other people that can conduct themselves like adults. If he wants to stop by for a piece of pie after, or go shopping with his mother, that’s fine, but you certainly are allowed to enforce boundaries that protect you from her venom.
Post # 8
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: Then my advice would be this.
1) Pray. Pray with your husband, pray alone. Prayer is very powerfull, God surprises us in so many ways!
2) Talk to your husband. I believe he should take the lead on this one. He is the head of the household, and is his mother’s son, so yeah.
3) Don’t give up, keep up the good race. It is hard, sometimes our closest ones hurt us the most. But don’t give up. Keep showing love and mercy.
Post # 9
@Nona99: Well, we live out of state, so it’s either we go (ie drive 6 hours) or not. We can’t split it as if they lived in the same town, unfortunately.
DH wants to go because of his gma, brothers, dad, and friends who will also be there, whom he rarely sees because we live so far away. His gma is 90+ and is pretty sick, so it may be one of his last chances to see her. If I refuse to go, he will not go without me. He wants us to be a team (which is good), but also means I have to go with him or we dont go. He got really upset at the thought of having a holiday just the two of us. Extended family means a LOT to my DH. And to be fair, he was a champ this weekend when my mom was visiting, although she drives him crazy. He is also planning to go with me to visit my parents at Christmas (they are out of state too, so we always split like this.) I am hoping in a couple of years, we will have kids and can stay at home, or the military will move us further away where travel isnt an option every year.
Post # 10
Everything beachbride said. This is something your husband is going to have to take control of and handle. You’re MIL needs to understand, from him, the he chooses you over her and this behavior is unacceptable. But it really has to come from him.
If she insists on acting this way, then the both of you have to follow through, and like beachbride said, make other plans for future holidays, etc.
Post # 11
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: Oooooooh boy, thats just a stinker of a situation….it sounds like you kind of need to go. If it was me I would have a mental list of things and people I know I could talk about and to without any drama, I would have an exit strategy in case your MIL decides to go angry rhino after you all sit down to dinner and finally, make sure your husband runs interference with his mother…this is really THEIR problem, but you’re a likely target for her control issues…so he’s got to be the one to straighten her out.
It’ll all work out, and don’t let it upset you, its not really about you, at all.
Post # 12
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: The Bible does say to pray for our enemies, those who despitefully use us.
It also says to in Proverbs 25:21-22_If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat. If they are thirsty, give them water to drink. You will heap burning coals of shame on their heads, and the LORD will reward you.
If she tries to start an argument, I would walk away and let your DH know. If she makes snide comments, just smile and nod.
Don’t give her the satisfaction of a reaction. Keep cool and calm.
Post # 13
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: If your MIL is rejecting you, being actively hostile to you and actively trying to sabotage your marriage, you should both avoid seeing her until she stops. Tolerating the behavior tells her it’s okay.
If your husband is unwilling to do this, send him off to see his parents alone.
Post # 14
We are leaving for their house bright and early. My stomach is literally in knots :/ I tried to call her earlier today to see if we should plan to bring anything food-wise, but she did not answer the phone or even have the simple courtesy to call me back. We will be with his family for three nights…Happy prayers & thoughts are appreciated.