MIL wants all Holidays….

posted 3 years ago in Holidays
Post # 3
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@Becks1987:  Yikes!!

Sorry to hear about this.  In laws can be challenging this way….I think that both my SO and FIL’s have decided that they get xmas every year…so now we are going to try and do this with my parents.

Personally, I had to put my foot down-Like….IF we do xmas with your family, we have to do thanksgiving with mine.

So far….Mr VB has not gotten back to me yet so I’m interested to see how it all plays out. 

Hang in there and good luck!

Post # 4
1771 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

That is so frustrating!  Hold your ground.  You are being totally reasonable.  A few phrases:

“We have told you our plans.  They are not open for discussion.”

“You might be right.” Then do what you want.

Post # 5
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Becks1987: YOU do not handle it. Give this one to your husband. Allow him to say “No.” (it is a complete sentence) as many times as it takes. Do not allow her to sit you down and try to crack you on Thanksgiving. If she does, tell her that the conversation is over and walk away. Tell your husband to talk to her about it. This is unacceptable.

Post # 6
6666 posts
Bee Keeper

@carolinabelle:  +1 I would not engage with her at all.  Let your H handle her so that you don’t end up being the bad guy. 

Post # 7
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

How do you make it clear?

By not showing up. It’s really all you can do. She’ll never see your side, and if you start giving in, it’ll just get worse. 

Post # 8
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kellyk1214: +1

And let you hubby make it clear, “These are our plans” end of discussion.

Post # 9
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @Becks1987:  Aaaah yes, family & holidays can be such a challenge

You need to be gentle and understanding… BUT at the same time firm with her

You need to explain to her that you are a NEW Family, and therefore will have to make some NEW Traditions that will work for BOTH of you and be respectful of both families as well.

Either you split your time as a couple ** between the families on the day itself (if they are relatively close by)

OR you split up the holidays… one family for one, one family for another

It is hard for sure, BUT it is something that every NEW couple goes thru, and every family has to just accept as fact.

Personally I’d make a list of the important days for your family… and divy them up if you cannot do both families on the same day

ie:  Thanksgiving – Christmas Eve – Christmas Day – New Years Eve – New Years Day – Easter (or Easter Monday)

And don’t be afraid to claim some of them for yourselves (couple time)

Mr TTR & I tend to spend Thanksgiving and Easter (Sunday & Monday) with family.  And the rest of the year we do our own thing… then again we are an older couple (over 50) and have grown children who also have their own lives.  If people are busy doing their own thing, then we just plan to have a Holiday Get-together on a different day (lol, cannot tell you how many times our “Family Christmas” has been either before or after December 25th, as much as 2 weeks either side).  Not a Big Deal, IMO

When I was married the first time, as my Ex’s family was all out of State / Province we would alternate Christmases… one year with My Family – One Year Travelling to His – and One Year at our House (people who wanted would come to us)

Fact is, there is no right or wrong way.  It is just stuff you have to work out for yourselves and YOUR LIFE.  Don’t let anyone pressure you, or play games with you.  Just be firm, and explain it to them on what your limitations are period.  You cannot be in two places at the same time !!

** NOTE – I am not a proponent of a couple splitting up for the Holiday… ie You go to Your Family, and He goes to His… cause that is just plain dumb IMO.  Doesn’t solve anything, and just presents a “divided front” in an attempt to appease “hovering” Parents.  PLUS when the kids come along then what ?  You divide up the kids too ?

Uh NO.

The Adults need to act like adults, and realize that you are a NEW Family, so things aren’t always gonna be “as they once were” period.

Hang in there… you can do it.

Hope this helps,


Post # 10
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Becks1987:  I have been cursed with an overbearing MIL who plays the guilt card too. I pretty much just tell her “The plans are made. End of discussion.” She typically continues to try to guilt or say, “Everyone will be so sad.” And I just shrug and say, “Gee, too bad.”

Maybe it comes off as bitchy to some people, but when you have a MIL like this, I couldn’t imagine dealing with it any other way.

Post # 11
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012


Agree with the other Bees, as it is the Inlaws, this is a conversation best handled by your Hubby.

He needs to set his Mother straight.

She gets A or B… not A and B.  Period.


Post # 12
10453 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Becks1987:  How would she respond if your husband told her, ok, since it’s so important to you this year, we’ll be there, but we need to see Becks’ family at Christmas then?

I think that would make most people quiet, but there are the few who say sure, and then just push for Christmas later.

Post # 13
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hold your ground – if you give in this time, there will be a constant struggle with every holiday. I agree with PPs that your hubby needs to stand up to your MIL.

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