Post # 1
Ok so the short version of background info to this situation: Husband is military, he got orders to Japan, at the last minute we decided to elope so that we could spend those 3 years together instead of apart. Our families understand and when we return to the states we are planning a wedding/vow renewal with all of our friends and family. (I know some people agree with this and some dont… but thats not the point of this post.)
Anyway so now we are planning this wedding-thing. It is a small but formal thing (50-75 people). So today I got an email from my mother in law telling me how upset she was when she looked at the wedding website and saw that my sister in law was not listed as part of the wedding party. Sister in law has not always been so nice to me in the past. When my husband texted her right after we got married to tell her, she was mean about him having married ME. Also I dont think she wants to be apart of the day for us in any way… I truly believe that she wants attention, its just the kind of person she has appeared to me… not bad, just.. really likes attention. She had previously pretty much ASKED to be in the wedding party, and our response was kind of a joking thing back with her… she took that as she was in…
Anyway I dont want to cause drama, but there areother reasons I wish not to have her in the bridal party. I have another sister in law, my brothers wife, who has always been very nice to me. If I include 1 sister in law I have to include the other or it would be very rude in my eyes (I understand not all people do this which is FINE in my book, just in my situation I dont like it). I already have my 2 best friends as bridesmaids… so that would make 4…. so 8 people in the bridal party plus Hub and me… with like 50 people watching… a bit much if you ask me… and EXPENSIVE. That would DOUBLE the gifts, flowers, ect we would have to have and we are on a tight budget as it is (my family is helping, but in laws arent, which is fine, but dont make expensive demands).
So what do I do? Mother in law said I “broke her heart” when she saw that…. Hubs agrees with me, my family agrees with me… but I dont want drama… Tell me what to do please! (Sorry this is so long and spazy…)
Post # 3
I am going through this same situation … Honestly, its you and your husbands day and it should be what you guys want. Don’t let them and the drama get to you and take the fun out of this! My advice is to squash it quickly before it escalades. If you have her in your party, she will most likely not make things very fun.. trust me! Its your wedding, just remember that!
Post # 4
I would (very nicely) tell her pretty much what you wrote here as youre reasoning: that your husband and you both agreed on your wedding party, that you and SIL aren’t that close (and the women standing on your side represent your relationship with them as does his men with him), that your other SIL is not party of the bridal part and you would feel bad about it, and that you are on a tight budget which adding more to the bridal party adds more cost to you guys.
In the end I would follow exactly what YOU and your husband want to do, but just be as empathetic and kind about it as possible to avoid additional tension/hurt feelings.
Post # 5
I think you should be honest, but to a point – you don’t want to criticize her daughter’s reaction to your marriage because I imagine the Mother-In-Law would just become protective/defensive. Instead, be honest about wanting to keep your wedding party small due to preference AND budget restraints. Let her know you would feel the need to also include your other SIL if you included one, so based on all of these options, you made the decision you made. Say you’re sorry if her feelings have been hurt, as that was not your intention, but you’ve made the decision you have based on what is best for you and your Fiance. Then leave it at that. If she comes back with any sort of argument, even if it is an offer for financial assistance, politely turn her down and say you’re firm in your decision.
In-law relationships can be SO challenging, but I think it is important to stand your ground early on or they’ll think they can boss you around in the future!
Post # 6
Thansk for the advice. I was thinking of asking the brothers and sisters to still be involved. Like asking my brother to be an usher and the sisters to do something too (though I have no idea what). DO you think they would be happy about this, or offended?
Post # 7
Well, I think they should be happy. If they’re offended, that’s not for you to worry about! You can’t please everyone all of the time!
Post # 8
You need to change your mindset about this. You aren’t causing drama. Your Future Mother-In-Law is. People like this go out of their way looking for things to be offended about.
Stop talking to her. Have your Fiance step in and explain to his mother that this type of input is unwanted, and will not be tolerated by either of you.
Post # 9
Your hubby is on your side about it, end of story. Future Mother-In-Law will get over it.
Post # 10
Honestly it’s not your MIL’s decision as to who you pick to be in your bridal party. Stand your ground. She’s not getting married, you are. I see a lot of posts that involve FMIL’s taking over the wedding or making suggestions that aren’t there’s to make. Just don’t be a pushover and do what YOU want. :]
Post # 11
@MattandKristin: Its about you and your husband and who you want standing up with you! dont let anybody sway you into what you do not want 🙂
Post # 12
Your wedding, your decision.
Post # 13
Honestly I wouldn’t even respond. Saying you pickedy our people and its was up to your Fi if he wanted her the wedding as it’s his sister. Let them deal with his mother. I find this ridiculous as most people won’t notice or care who in the wedding party. I have four brothers can you imagine if all them were in the wedding party in addition to Fi`s brother and friends.
Post # 14
Thanks for the support everyone! I wrote her back explaining my reasoning. Haven’t heard back yet, but hoping she can understand!
Post # 15
I went through something similar. No drama about it but we decided to include the brother and sister in laws in our party. My coworker was the one who convinced me. He said that those are the only people he still keeps in contact with for his wedding party. Now, hopefully that’s not our case but it made me realize these people are my family now. Thirty years from now I know I’ll be glad I did and not regret the extra hassle of having a larger bridal party.
Do what’s right for you. It sounds like your experience is very different. My sister in laws are really kind, I just don’t know them well.
Post # 16
@MrsTahoe: Agreed, tell the Mother-In-Law it’s a numbers issue. If you criticise your SIL or say that she’s not been very nice, the Mother-In-Law may get offended.