Post # 1
Well it sucks to start off on the site this way, but I need advice from women who have gone or is going through the same thing. We’re less than 7 weeks away from our wedding day today and I found out this week that my FMIL, FSIL, and FGIL all hate me. I guess they sent him some messages and have been calling him to tell him to reconsider marrying me because “it doesn’t feel right” and that I will hold him back from succeeding in his career. I wish he hadn’t told me any of this because I’m now in an awkward position and don’t know how to act around them anymore.
Here’s some history:
A couple of months ago I found out he cheated on me a year and a half into our relationship. Our relationship was very rocky the first year and we we’re finally getting our bearing when this happened. He kissed a girl, nothing more, but needless to say it still hurt. I was ready to call it all off because I was in such shock and pain. I asked for a break for a few days so I can sort through it and not hurt more by seeing him. I decided to stay because a lot had happened between then and now (we had a baby, we got engaged and we hadn’t had a fight since before the kiss happened). We said we’d get through it with some counseling that he will set it up. Since then nothing has happened and I had to sit down and tell him I was scared to marry him because of the lack of initiative. He talks to his family about pretty much everything, including this and they didn’t like my reaction to ANY of it. Before all of this, I thought I had a great relationship with them and thought very highly of them. But since the fight a couple of months ago things have changed in the dynamics with them. I thought it was just me because I’ve been so stressed with the wedding and everything else. Now that these things have come out, I’m not so sure. They have been saying some pretty hurtful things and I’m not sure where it’s coming from. Just a week ago they were asking me what they can help with for the wedding and all that jazz. Now this?! I’ve never complained about him working on the weekend like MIL does, or that he had to go out of town for a couple days for work 3 days after we had a baby, that he only took 1 1/2 weeks off after baby was born (while working days here and there during that 1 1/2 weeks), I try to plan dinner according to his days so that we can eat as a family. Their concerns are so unfounded and out of left field that I can’t wrap my head around it. What do I do? I’m hurt, I’m scared to marry into a family that hates me (especially since he’s so close to them), but I love him and we have a family together. How do I get through this?
Post # 3
It bothers me that he talks to his family about EVERYTHING. It is none of their buisness. I don’t know why he feels the need to drag his family into YOUR personal life.
It also irks me that they all seem to be so twofaced. I’ve never been faced with this situation though, so I don’t have any advice to offer. What do YOU think you should do?
Post # 4
First, I’m sorry to hear you are going through all this especially so close to the wedding! There seems to be something missing from this story. It’s kind of mind boggling that they would flip on you like this over taking a couple of days break from your FI after he kissed another person. Are you sure there isn’t an underlying issue that the FI is missing or not telling you about?
When I first began dating my FI, my FMIL disliked me due to the fact I was long distance, and she was worried my FI would move away from their tight knit family circle to be with me. Over time, we got through this, and I’m closer to her now than my own mother. I say give it time. If it’s something small as this, you guys can work it out. In the meantime, have the FI speak to his family to try to sort things out. Good luck!
Edit: OP, I re-read your post. I skipped over the FI telling the family everything. Oops. Hmmm, in this case I’d like to add that you should have a talk with the FI on what is supposed to remain with you two and what is supposed to be shared with others.
Post # 5
@ViaMinorViator: I agree! I was worried my FI would be like this because before I came around he was quite the momma’s boy. But he has been very respectful of our privacy.
Have you spoken to your FI about this? I mean like really sat down and talked it all out. Did he respond to the message? How does he feel about how they are acting?
Those answers would factor a lot into how i feel about the situation.
Post # 6
it sounds like his family is using this as an excuse to bring up other concerns. you two should make a counseling appointment, but one of the things you need to discuss is how you deal with him sharing info with his family about your relationship.
what do you want?
Post # 7
To be honest I think I’d be more worried about your FI sharing such private details of your relationship with all his relatives! How can you feel like you two are a team, separate from his family, otherwise? It doesn’t really matter who supports your marriage (although obviously we’d always like everyone to support us), what matters is that you two have each other’s back, ALWAYS. Even if your MIL and others were suddenly saying they weren’t sure about the marriage, you want your FI to be ignoring them and happy to marry you, and it’s not clear that you are getting that message from him? To be questioning things so close to the wedding is an awful feeling. Regardless of his family’s opinions, does HE want to marry you? Is he willing to put in the effort to have a good marriage, including by following through on promises, especially considering you have had some trust issues come up recently. Is he also willing to stop sharing everything with them, unless you have agreed he can? Those are the serious questions I’d be asking him now, trying to forget about the wedding itself and focus on your relationship instead. Good luck.
Post # 8
First I’m sorry that your going through this…
I went through something like this also…. after moving thousands of miles for him I found out 3 months later that he was cheating on me (like yours not fully blown but a kiss is a kiss!!) anyways we stayed together too… Like you he told his family and espcially his mother EVERYTHING – I used to joke that she probably knew what color underwear he would be wearing each day!!!
He met my family (who live abroad) and told them he wanted to marry me – when he came back and told his mother it all errupted – before I knew it he and I were NO more…..
In hindsight, I’m glad that it did not work out for us – because the whole relatiohsip and his family felt like I was living in a reality show!! There is a line in a movie called “The Diary of a Mad Black woman” which goes something like “I’m glad that I was with……. because if I hadn’t been with him I would never have known the difference between a bad relationship and a good one!
I now have an AMAZING relationship… The truth is only YOU can decide what you will accept and tolarate within a relationship… Good Luck xx
Post # 9
Thanks bees for the support and advice. After finding out about all of this, I’ve since talked to my FH and asked that he keeps our issues between us. I explained to him my concern about it. That his family will always see things in his favor, that they will judge me based on what he tells them. If he tells them negative things, then that’s all they’ll see. That it will put on a relationship that is typically tough to begin with. I told him I don’t talk to my family about our issues, because I know that they will always side with me regardless of the facts. He’s agreed to no longer share our problems with them. I’m not sure what he’s told them since they expressed their concerns. We haven’t taken the time to discuss all of the family issues, but I’m assuming he told them he wants to and is going to marry me because I received text messages from FSIL and FMIL. FSIL said she’s on board and that she has happy thoughts. It’s hard to believe because she was so sure that FH would heed her advice that she told him to be careful because I might try to get preggers. Uh, first, get off your high horse! Second, I’m not that kind of girl. So it’s going to be hard to get past the things they said. FMIL said she’d like us to talk and she’s supposed to come over this week.She said she supports the marriage and would like to explain where she’s coming from, but not to worry because it’s all good things. HUH? How could it be good if you were just telling him to not marry me because I’m holding him back? The hot and cold behavior is really frustrating. Wish me luck ladies. I keep reminding myself to be respectful and to keep an open mind, but of course all I can think about is how I was hurt. SERENITY NOW!!
Post # 10
You know what, I wouldn’t have that talk with your FMIL. Your issues with your FI are between the two of you. Every relationship has them. It is NONE of their business and by encouraging an open dialogue, it sets a precedent with her that her getting involved and expressing her opinion is OK.
You and your FI need to set boundaries with his family.
And clearly, whatever you tell them, they seem to share with each other.
It concerns me that she would go with a low-blow of accusing you of trying to get pregnant to stay with him. And then she texts you and wants to be all friendly? Um, no. I wouldn’t trust her.
Post # 11
Good Luck and Im sorry you have to go through this, this really suck and hurts big time. That being said it is probably best to distance yourself from his family. Talk to your FI about it, tell him that you are having a hard time with it, that he can go to family functions but for now you want to stay clear, protect yourself b/c it does hurt.
I had this come up with some of FIs family, I was hurt so so bad by his grandmother and aunt. I talk to FI about it, he was hurt and frustrated by his families actions too and understood and supported me. Time will help, but you may want to just stay away from his family for now. I would not have that talk either, I think you just need time away
Post # 12
I agreed to meet with her to address her concerns and to fix our relationship which before all of this was very good. My plan is if she brings up any issues from my relationship with her son (that she shouldn’t know to begn with), I will draw the line and let her know that we shouldn’t talk about that because it doesn’t concern her. My okay hope is that and doesn’t escalate torinsed voices or anything like that. I think if I avoid her, she will only keep pestering my FH with her concerns and right now work is stressful enough that he doesn’t need the drama. Thank you for your advice, bees. I do appreciate all of it and took it all into consideration. I’m glad to have found this website. What a great tool for us brides!
Post # 13
Well ladies, I talked to FMIL and it went ok considering she lied about why she had voiced her concerns. She said she only said something because FH contacted her with his doubts (not true, because FH and I were fine until they said something to him, then he called me because of their messages plus I saw the messages they sent and they clearly initiated it and FH even said it’s not true- I don’t think he’d call his mom a liar to save his own ass). But what am I to do? Call “bullshit”? Yeah, that’s not going to go over so well. She also didn’t bring up all of her concerns, which I could not underatand because if she wanted to “talk about it all” like she said, then why skip some? Why lie about the sh!t? I am glad that she came to realize that my relationship with her son should remain private and that she and FSIL will keep out of it from now on. My only issue now is FSIL is acting as if nothing happened and all is good. I told her we should talk and her response was, “talked to [FH] and he said all is good, happy thoughts…” WTF? Really? Ugh. I did tell them I don’t want any negative energy at the wedding that FH and I are happy and want to spend the rest of lives together and we hope they can support that. Pray for us.
Post # 14
I guess you got married, but I say screw um. You married him, not them. from your posts, you appear to have the right mindset about things. Now you just have to learn not to care what they say or think or whether they like you. Be polite, smile, and all that, but you don’t have to be friends. And he needs to make sure he keeps your business to himself. He is damaging relationships by telling everything to everybody.