Post # 1
So my DH told me his mother wants to discuss what my expectations are for her when our baby is born. She has a habit of making things about her and boundary stomping so I think she is becoming aware of it and wants to know what I expect so she can plan her vacation time etc. for that period…she lives 15 mins away from us.
My DH told her at the hospital we will call when the baby is born and when we are ready for visitors but don’t come before then.
The rest he is leaving up to me since I will be healing and since he will be working alot so alot of the childcare will be on me including BF. My mom lives 45 mins away.
I really don’t have any expectations other then bugger off unless asked. I am a very independent person, I have experience with babies so I am not new to this. I know I will be exhausted and sore and bleeding. This is my first kid and I lived with my SIL when she had her baby and was her backup so I have seen it.
In the hospital I only want immediate family and grandmother for short visits at times they set up with us so they don’t walk in when I am trying to feed/
At home, always call before coming over but please do not ask everyday until you get a yes. Our first day at home and most likely the next day will only be us 3…or me and baby is DH has to go into work. Day 3 if someone wants to come over and clean, do some laundry and make or bring a meal I welcome it…they can have the baby for a half hour/hour so I can shower and feel human again…but please schedule since BF and I may be in another room doing it.
My goal is to kind of have my mom and his mom rotate every few days so I get a day or two by myself and then one of them come and help for an afternoon. I will do a short grandmother visit in which they actually visit but noone else (aunts, uncles, cousins) until I am ready and that may be a month old.
Does this sound reasonable? I just don’t want the expectation that it is all the time baby fest at my house or that when they are over they have baby…I need them to do everything else so I can nurse and tend to my baby and then once they are comforted and I can grab a shower and clean myself up that would be great if they could watch it…reasonable?
Anything hadn’t thought of?
This topic was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by missjewels.
Post # 2
She wants to help, so in the interest of keeping her from pestering you, maybe request specific things? Like, say the first Monday you are home from the hospital, could she please pick up take-out from a favorite spot and hold the baby while you eat, and maybe take out the trash so you and baby can rest. Then, Thursday pop in and run the vacuum, start a load of laundry, and hold the baby so you can shower. Let her know that you will call her at any point you feel like you need help, since she lives so close- that way the ball is in your court to contact her above and beyond what you’ve specifically requested.
Post # 3
Honestly, I think people tend to way overthink these situations. You may want more help than you realize or change your mind about certain things once baby is actually here. I say to just try to set up loose boundaries at the moment and be flexible. If a problem comes up, address it accordingly.
Post # 4
Does she want to help (aka clean yor house), or see your baby? I think your expectations seem fair, but unless she’s said she wants to “help” and not just “visit” I wouldn’t be asking her to come clean.
Post # 5
missjewels: I agree with the PP that said to request more specific things if she genuinly wants ot help out. Also, I wanted to add I got a chuckle out of this: “but please schedule since BF and I may be in another room doing it.”- I read it as -please schedule since boyfriend and I may be in another room getting it on- LOL<br /><br /><br />
Post # 6
I just don’t want the expectation that it is all the time baby fest at my house or that when they are over they have baby…I need them to do everything else…
Is holding her grandchild a reward dependent upon her doing laundry? Kinda reads that way.
Post # 7
I’m a ways off from having children but I get mad mad MAD when anyone feels they have a “right” to invade the space of a new mother to be with a baby that isn’t their own. I think your expectations sound reasonable, and like PPs said, you can always adjust later if you need to. I think it is a good sign you’re talking about this now with her, by the way.
Post # 8
Visitors are most definately not required to do house work, and you asking them to do so the way you have written comes off pretty rude. I think you are kind of going over board. Having some guidelines are good, but this is a little too much. Just letting her know” I am pretty private and would like privacy while nursing. We would like time to settle in just the 3 of us the first few days and we will let you know wehn we are up for visitors.” Things pretty vague until baby is here and you know for sure how things are going has worked best for us.
Post # 9
One thing I wish I would have done when I had my son is set boundaries. When I was in labor puking up everything, my parents, brother,aunt, and grandparents (all in laws) walked in with no warning, I hadn’t invited them. Then while I was pushing they were in the hall, until a nurse made them go to the waiting room. i got a half hour with my son until they all showed up in my birthing suite to hold my son and since I was on magnesium, I did not get to see my baby until the next morning. They literally held my son more than I did, without me even inviting them. After being discharged, my in laws were at my house everyday, not truly helping, just getting in the way. i still blame them for me failing to breastfeed because I never had any privacy and was never ever comfortable with them being there all hours. When my son would cry my mother in law would take him from whoever as if she were his. it destroyed our relationship and I still resent my husband for letting his family to behave that way and myself for not sticking up for myself. I cry to this day when I think about it.
Post # 10
I was worried about being bombarded by my overbearing family, but they actually ended up being surprisingly respectful of our space. I hope the same thing happens for you! I think what you are asking is completely reasonable. If they come, they are there to help. Not just stare at the baby and be in the way. There will be plenty of time in the childs life when he/she will be interactive and will be able to play. When they are so young, all they really need is to snuggle up to their mommy.
Post # 11
I think you are assuming you have a full time maid service you are paying in baby time. Well, the 15 minutes it takes you to shower.
Nobody has to clean your whole house. I’d leave it to “We will let you know when we want visitors, and when you are over we will let you know when we need to rest or have space.”
If someone offers to take out your trash or fold laundry, cool. Don’t say they have to work for however many hours before they can even hold the baby.
Post # 12
Ok since people think I am requiring my MIL to clean my home I really wish you would take a step back. I said if someone wants to come over and clean or cook I welcome it…as in if they offer then yes I would accept the help and love it. That is how both my MIL and mother are…they ask what would be helpful and if its doing dishes then they are more than happy to do it.
My point was I will not be hosting anyone. I envision them coming over to help in ways that help myself and DH and that would be to do a load of dishes, or throw a load in so I can BF or take a nap. I woudl be happy to pass off the kid for a half hour/hour so I can go clean myself and feel human…so if they want to come by for an hour and do that that is fine. I am referring to families who show up for the entire day, expect to pass the baby, sit on the couch and have dinner made for them. That is what I am trying to avoid.
If MIL says “how can I help” which is exactly what she will say then I will tell her “it would be so helpful to have you over every few days to just tidy and run a load of laundry through and do a load of dishes…if you can’t do that even if you come for like a half hour so I can shower that would be great”. But I KNOW she wants to do more so I will tell her she can come for an afternoon and help by doing some housework or bringing some meals (which she has done) and let me grab a bath or shower and clean up as well.
I don’t see anything wrong with people offering to help you telling them how they can help aka…throw a load of laundry in.
Post # 13
Since several of us got the “pay to play” vibe, it might not be entirely our misreading, but in any event I’m glad to see the update as it does read differently regarding expectations than the OP.
I think, generally speaking, that grandmothers do want to help, and do dishes, and do laundry or whatever they can to make life easier for their children and grandchildren. I also don’t think that it’s unreasonable to give them more cudddle time with the baby than “when I’m in the shower”.
Post # 14
fascinated: Ok point taken and just to add…I said if they want to come over for half hour/hour so I can shower and feel human again…it doesn’t taken even a half hour to shower…that encompassess showering or bath, taking my time putting on actual clothes, sitting and having a little visit like 20 mins or running to the store.
Post # 15
missjewels: I totally understand what you are getting at. My mother is coming to help me out, but my MIL is coming for three days after the baby is born to see the baby. I’m already stressed out about it, because my in-laws do not like NYC at all and when they come they expect me to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner and clean up after them. It is SO EXHAUSTING. They literally don’t want to go out anywhere in the city, because it means they will have to walk.
I think it’s totally reasonable and understandable to say that you are busy with the baby and won’t have the bandwidth to host people at your home all of the time. If they want to come over to help out, then that’s fine.