MIL wants to discuss new baby expectations…

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

She wants to help, so in the interest of keeping her from pestering you, maybe request specific things?  Like, say the first Monday you are home from the hospital, could she please pick up take-out from a favorite spot and hold the baby while you eat, and maybe take out the trash so you and baby can rest.  Then, Thursday pop in and run the vacuum, start a load of laundry, and hold the baby so you can shower.  Let her know that you will call her at any point you feel like you need help, since she lives so close- that way the ball is in your court to contact her above and beyond what you’ve specifically requested.  

Post # 3
Member
7262 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Honestly, I think people tend to way overthink these situations. You may want more help than you realize or change your mind about certain things once baby is actually here. I say to just try to set up loose boundaries at the moment and be flexible. If a problem comes up, address it accordingly. 

Post # 4
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Does she want to help (aka clean yor house), or see your baby? I think your expectations seem fair, but unless she’s said she wants to “help” and not just “visit” I wouldn’t be asking her to come clean.

Post # 5
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

missjewels:  I agree with the PP that said to request more specific things if she genuinly wants ot help out. Also, I wanted to add I got a chuckle out of this: “but please schedule since BF and I may be in another room doing it.”- I read it as -please schedule since boyfriend and I may be in another room getting it on- LOL<br /><br /><br />

Post # 6
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

I just don’t want the expectation that it is all the time baby fest at my house or that when they are over they have baby…I need them to do everything else…

Is holding her grandchild a reward dependent upon her doing laundry?  Kinda reads that way. 

Post # 7
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m a ways off from having children but I get mad mad MAD when anyone feels they have a “right” to invade the space of a new mother to be with a baby that isn’t their own. I think your expectations sound reasonable, and like PPs said, you can always adjust later if you need to. I think it is a good sign you’re talking about this now with her, by the way.

Post # 8
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Visitors are most definately not required to do house work, and you asking them to do so the way you have written comes off pretty rude. I think you are kind of going over board. Having some guidelines are good, but this is a little too much. Just letting her know” I am pretty private and would like privacy while nursing. We would like time to settle in just the 3 of us the first few days and we will let you know wehn we are up for visitors.” Things pretty vague until baby is here and you know for sure how things are going has worked best for us.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  ieatunicorns.
Post # 9
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

One thing I wish I would have done when I had my son is set boundaries. When I was in labor puking up everything, my parents, brother,aunt, and grandparents (all in laws) walked in with no warning, I hadn’t invited them. Then while I was pushing they were in the hall, until a nurse made them go to the waiting room. i got a half hour with my son until they all showed up in my birthing suite to hold my son and since I was on magnesium, I did not get to see my baby until the next morning. They literally held my son more than I did, without me even inviting them. After being discharged, my in laws were at my house everyday, not truly helping, just getting in the way. i still blame them for me failing to breastfeed because I never had any privacy and was never ever comfortable with them being there all hours. When my son would cry my mother in law would take him from whoever as if she were his. it destroyed our relationship and I still resent my husband for letting his family to behave that way and myself for not sticking up for myself. I cry to this day when I think about it. 

Post # 10
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I was worried about being bombarded by my overbearing family, but they actually ended up being surprisingly respectful of our space. I hope the same thing happens for you! I think what you are asking is completely reasonable. If they come, they are there to help. Not just stare at the baby and be in the way. There will be plenty of time in the childs life when he/she will be interactive and will be able to play. When they are so young, all they really need is to snuggle up to their mommy.

Post # 11
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I think you are assuming you have a full time maid service you are paying in baby time. Well, the 15 minutes it takes you to shower.

Nobody has to clean your whole house. I’d leave it to “We will let you know when we want visitors, and when you are over we will let you know when we need to rest or have space.”

If someone offers to take out your trash or fold laundry, cool. Don’t say they have to work for however many hours before they can even hold the baby.

Post # 13
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Since several of us got the “pay to play” vibe, it might not be entirely our misreading, but in any event I’m glad to see the update as it does read differently regarding expectations than the OP.  

I think, generally speaking, that grandmothers do want to help, and do dishes, and do laundry or whatever they can to make life easier for their children and grandchildren.    I also don’t think that it’s unreasonable to give them more cudddle time with the baby than “when I’m in the shower”.    

 

Post # 15
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

missjewels:  I totally understand what you are getting at.  My mother is coming to help me out, but my MIL is coming for three days after the baby is born to see the baby.  I’m already stressed out about it, because my in-laws do not like NYC at all and when they come they expect me to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner and clean up after them.  It is SO EXHAUSTING.  They literally don’t want to go out anywhere in the city, because it means they will have to walk.

I think it’s totally reasonable and understandable to say that you are busy with the baby and won’t have the bandwidth to host people at your home all of the time.  If they want to come over to help out, then that’s fine.  

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