Military/LDR bees… help?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My fiance is deploying for 9 months in April so I understand.  Maybe you are just subconsciously preparing yourself to be alone….it happens and it’s normal.  It’s not easy to be in a relationship like that and at times you can feel abandoned.  I try to get out and keep myself as busy as possible.

For 7 years my fiance has been horrible about answering the phone and texting and I’ve just had to accept it.  Especially if he is on active duty or drill they are not even allowed to use phones,  have access or even reception…so try not to take it personal.

Post # 3
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

willow_1960:  *HUGS* I went through this when we were teenagers and my [now] FI decided to join the military. Granted, I was 16 and he was 18 so I was probably way more dramatic than you lol.

I think a small part of you is upset at him for leaving you behind. You know it’s not forever, you know he’s not doing it to hurt you or anything, but you still feel it – rational or not. Which is why I think the little spats are happening.

I think you both are going through periods of feeling distant in order to protect yourselves. I think everything you’re feeling is normal. At first, it’ll feel like he’ll be gone for FOREVER. But now, when I look back and it’s been 9 years, 3 months (his training time) wasn’t all that long.

The 15 months he was deployed to Iraq seemed like a lifetime but in hindsight it was 1 out of 9 years of our relationship now. When he was stationed many states away (a 12 hour drive) he would still come to see me whenever he could, even if he could only stay a day or two.

Love finds a way! Best of luck!

Post # 5
Member
28 posts
Newbee

I was in military and was the person deployed. The best thing you can do is make sure you explain to him how you are feeling. That you respect and love him for providing for you. Even though it requires you not be together right now.

Keep good people around you. Honestly you dorm want to sit around with too much time on your hands. Make sure you have things to do to keep busy. Positive people to surround yourself with.

With training …depending upon where he is going he may not have much time to call. My entire time at basic…8 weeks I could only use a pay phone during a very limited time of the day.

 

It a hard believe me…but you already know that being with him is worth it so you just have to remain strong and supportive.

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My FI travels for work.  It’s not “guns and tanks” dangerous but it is “coastal oil rig” sort of dangerous…fairly easy but working with dangerous things so one mistake and it’s all over.

It is FAR, far more stressful to plan a wedding under these conditions.  Being married is SO much easier.

As far as feelings.  My hubs likes to know my feelings.  He’ll listen to me cry over ichat and calm me down.  I know it’s hard for him but he reconginzes that it’s not easy for me beucase I’m back taking care of the house, trying to figure things out and missing him while he’s crazy busy.  We’ve had frustrations and disagreements during this time.  Mostly when he had nothing left to give and I was trying to keep things from spirling out of control at home.  But even during the worst times we figured it out.  You just need to have that level of communication to say “I can’t take anymore today” but try to never get to that point when it comes to helping your spouse.

 

But that’s us.  If he had a different personailty that may not work. 

 

I think for him it meant the most if I sacraficed for him…if I stayed up until midnight my time to video chat or if I ate cheap food so we could eat out when he got back.

Post # 8
Member
8669 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

There isn’t much advice someone can give you, because each person handles the military life differently. I freaked out, so to speak, on my husband’s first deployment. But I had JUST moved to his state (1,200 miles away from any friend or family, I knew no one, I knew where nothing was) and I had only been in the house for three weeks before he deployed. Deployments suck. There’s really nothing else that can be said. It blows for both parties, and the truth of the matter is, you’re either cut out for military life, or you’re not. There’s really no “kind-of cut out for it” because you’re either going to grit your teeth, lock arms and slog through the thigh high deep mud, or you’re just going to trip and let it consume you. You need to talk with him. Go over what you want to say in your head a million times so you don’t come off as whiney or complaining.

 

<br />One thing my husband told me that really stuck with me was, “You’re without us. But we’re without you, too.” Yeah, he’s excited for training. He’s going to be learning a lot of vital skills that he can use to make a career out of this, and the better he does, the easier it will be in the long run for him. If he shines and does well, it could open up a lot of opportunities for him — who doesn’t want that? But do not doubt, not even for one tiny second that he is looking forward to being without you.. because he’s not. NOTHING will make the military easier. You both have to be on the same level, you both have to be determined to get through this. He’s going to be working his ass off to get through this and get home to you. You need to work your ass off to handle your emotions and walk just as quickly to pass that time, too.

 

 

 

You’ll learn the balance with time. There’s nothing wrong with telling your significant other, “Damn, I really, really miss you.” But it gets a bit much when you tell him, “I’ve been up all night crying, I can’t sleep and I haven’t eaten because I just miss you too much.” The former makes him feel loved, wanted, appreciated and missed. The latter makes him feel bad — He can’t be there to comfort you. There’s nothing he can do to ease your pain. So, express that you miss him. Express that you love him. Express that you utterly can’t wait for him to come home, but try not to drop the “gritty” stuff (if you experience it, I did the first deployment) because there’s nothing either of you can do. You just have to toughen up, and it will happen. It just takes time. The beginning is always the worst.

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Post # 9
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

willow_1960:  First of all, hugs to you and no, you’re not crazy!

FI was in the Army for 10 years and we were long distance for 4 years our relationship. It’s definitely hard, I remember the same feelings as you have now. I think subconsciously I was trying to prepare myself for it not to hurt “as bad” when he left me again. But like you, I recognized that. i had some pretty open talks with him about what scared me, and how I felt like I would lose him when he left and maybe I was trying to put up walls now so it didn’t hurt as bad. And guess what- he was on the same emotional roller coaster I was on.

Talking about it the best thing you can do- have open and clear lines of comminication. No games with texts/missed calls. We always made it clear like if I was working when he got off, I would text back when I could sayin. “hi, just got the message sorry I was working!” So we knew where eacH other stood. We worked hard on making sure neither of us felt ignored. 

This can work, it will be hard work but I found that it was extemely worth it because out of most of my friends, we have the most solid relationship! 

Be there for him, and he’ll be there for you. Just be open and honest! 

Keep us posted 🙂

Post # 10
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

willow_1960:  SO and I are long distance as we are both currently active duty in the US Navy. I hate to say this but you seriously need to work on your relationship if you’re going to pull through. Relationships are hard enough without the LDR and the stress of the military. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve seen crumble just because of distance. Best of luck to you and your SO.

Post # 11
Member
28 posts
Newbee

willow_1960:  I aplogize for the delay in my response. I haven’t checked in for a while.

As the person being deployed I would say that it does feel good hearing it. But I would feel helpless knowing someone missed me so much it made them cry. When you are deployed you are in a bit of a different mindset. Because you are in a war zone and anything can happen. You kind of shut down a little bit to deal with what could happen when you are deployed.

I would say to filter some of it through writing in a journal…talking to friends and family.

Understand that your feelings do matter….but deployed and feeling helpless….Will make your SO feel like a terrible boyfriend..fiance husband…..U get the picture.

 

Again. Sorry for the delay. Hope it helps. Sometimes hearing things from an outside unbiased party may make you more receptive.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

my fiance recently got hired as a firefighter, and had to move out of our place last week. He’s now 3 hours away and we have zero contact throughout the weekdays as he is in his training academy.

 

It’s SUPER stressful, and like you I find myself picking fights for no apparent reason. I’m sure it’s a shock to the system considering we are getting married in less than three months and will not be living together or spending any quality alone time together after the saturday of our wedding…

 

 

it will get easier! 

Post # 13
Member
1993 posts
Buzzing bee

willow_1960:  I met my fiance a month after he returned from Afghanistan. Thank god I didn’t have to live through his deployment to there. He deployed a little later for about 6 weeks to Antigua, and 3.5 months in Australia. No matter the destination it’s always hard.

3 weeks may sound like a lot, but it’s not the worst it could be.

Main thing is, WRITE HIM. He is going into training, so phone calls will be limited. He will need to feel like you’re there for him as much as you can. It’s not easy on them either. And it is not helpful to be needlessly whiny or needy when all he’s been thinking about is you, and this is his first chance to call in a week. It’s tempting, it really is, but they go through something totally different.

And you don’t know what his assignment is going to be, what “job” he’s going to get. They could send him out of state. Mainly, you need to work on being present with him while you can, and talk through the small things, or learn to pick your battles. Leaving on a sour note is not going to help him either.

I don’t mean to imply it’s all about them, but there’s lots out there about how to get through deployments and training as a MilSO. But not a lot on how it affects the person on the military side of the relationship. Food for thought!

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