- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
Over the summer, my years widowed future mother-in-law began dating a man who lost his wife to cancer a few months prior. They are not strangers as they have moved in the same social circles for years, however things became romantic very quickly and by mid-summer they were declaring their love. My future husband never really knew this man growing up, but remembers the him coming to his father’s funeral and helping to arrange for the removal of some items that needing hauling when his mother cleaned out the attic last Spring.
My Future Mother-In-Law seems very happy, and before I met this man, I was nothing but happy for her. However having just spent the holidays with him as a guest, I’m feeling a little differently. I’d met him on one prior occasion when he took us out to dinner. He seemed a bit pushy – the first sentance out of his mouth after “nice to meet you” was “I’m coming to your wedding” and he declared that he and my Future Mother-In-Law were in love and behaved the way people in love should more than once during the two-hour dinner. I assumed he was just nervous about wanting my fiance’s approval for their courtship. I tried to laugh it off, but as time went on he seemed to be making more and more decisions for my Future Mother-In-Law and speaking for her regarding emortions, ideas and plans.
I keep telling myself it’s none of my business, and it isn’t. I wish them happiness, and as long as he is not hurting her, I have no problem with their coupledom, but I am worried about how he will behave at our wedding.
Christmas was held at the home of my future sister-in-law and he arrived as a guest and proceded to tell the hostess what wine to serve, assign seats, say grace, carve the roast, direct the conversation, and explain my FMIL’s feelings and personality to her children. In other words after being her beau for 6 months, he behaved like the male head of her family. It bothered me. It bothered my fiance as well, but he does not want to upset his mother by saying anything.
I’m happy to invite him as a guest and escort to my Future Mother-In-Law, but if he starts to behave like some ersatz father in law it will hurt my future husband, it will upset me and it may cause friction with my divorced pararents’ new spouses (who are both behaving very well and letting my actual parents take all the parental roles without fuss). My parents remarried after I turned 18, but I have known each of their spouses for over a decade – and they both knew me as a girl.
Mostly, I am sad that my fiance, who already misses his father throughout this process of us being engaged and planning a wedding, will not have an opportunity to bond with his mother either. I want him to have some of the private intimate moments with his family that someone getting married deserves.
If I say nothing and this boorish beau gets in the way, can I be the bigger person? Help! Advice? Give me a mantra to just accept this graciously.