Post # 1
Hey there– I’m new to WeddingBee. Among hoping to start planning my own wedding next year, I am the bridesmaid to 3 ladies. This one woman has an extremely limited budget for her wedding, and is therefore having it at a local bar where her fiance works. She has said on more than one ocassion that she will not be covering any of the alcohol for the event because she cannot afford it. She arms herself with this notion that people are there to celebrate her wedding and if they are upset over the fact they have to pay for their own drinks then they arent *really* her friend. I bit my tongue…until she started seriousky considering buying a dress that is 32% of her budget. (without taking alterations into consideration) Quite frankly I find it terribly selfish that she will buy an expensive dress that she will wear for ONE DAY and not even try to put that money toward providing alcohol at her own wedding. This “friend” is more a of frenemy…we have had a difficult friendship (not entirely sure how I even ended up a bridesmaid!) and I dont really feel comfortable being honest with her because it has always turned into a dramatic confrontation. Do I bother telling her, or let her make her own mistake?
Post # 3
Stay out of it. It’s not your job to fix her rudeness.
If you aren’t even close friends, back out of the bridesmaid role now, while you can, especially since you don’t feel 100% support for her. Based on your description, I wouldn’t even attend the wedding.
Post # 4
@1stRosie: You don’t tell her. She gets to plan her own wedding, and you get yours. Not everyone provides alcohol to guests, and it isn’t required. What is required is being happy for a person who has found the love of her life, and moving forward in uniting as a family.
Post # 5
@Ember78: She doesnt get along with people very well (shocker) and my boyfriend and I will be some of her only friends there besides her family. I am the only bridesmaid in town, and feel bad that she has no one else to help her (her family lives very far away). I am torn between ditching her and not helping because I dont really care for her as a person, and feeling bad for her.
Post # 6
If you don’t care for her, please don’t attend the wedding, especially out of pity. Brides and grooms deserve to be surrounded by people that love them on their wedding day. What you view as a mistake may not bother others, or maybe she truly doesn’t care what others think. Regardless, like a PP said, she gets to plan her own wedding.
Post # 7
@1stRosie: Unless she asks keep it to yourself.
Part of being polite is not giving out etiquette advice unsolicited.
Post # 8
Stay out of it. Let her make her own mistakes.
Post # 9
The dress is probably the most important material aspect about a wedding day for us females. I know since I was a kid when I thought of my wedding day the first thing on my mind was the dress and how it would look. When we get engaged the first thing we want to look for is the perfect dress. I’m not excusing her behavior here, but as a future bride yourself you surely can empathize with her wanting to get married in her dream dress.
If I were you I would back out of being a bridesmaid but still attend the wedding.
Post # 10
Again, stay out of it and back out of the bridesmaid role. Bridesmaids are not required (couples skip them all the time without any harm done) and she will have at least 2 legal adults in attendance who can sign the certificate as witnesses. Since you have stated you don’t care for her as a person, and you don’t like the choices she is making, that is all the more reason to ditch the bridesmaid job. If you don’t, you’ll have more regret than if you backed out now.
Her money and budget are her business only.
Post # 11
To echo JulesSchnooks, alcohol is not a requirement for a wedding, so if I were your friend, I’d forget about the cash bar entirely (which yes, is a breach of traditional etiquette–you don’t ask your guests to pay for things at your own shindig, although etiquette is about as good as custom and the jury on cash bars varies by region) and just have a dry wedding. You are right that your friend is not correct as to her logic and reasoning, which is leaving her open to an etiquette faux pas.
Having said that, how she chooses to divvy up her finances for the wedding are none of your business–a couple wtih a budget of $25K can spend $20K on their own honeymoon and spend $5K on the actual wedding and that’s their perogative. Same with the dress. Honey, I spent a ridiculous amount on my invitation and did brunch instead of dinner to augment the costs and that’s my right because it’s my money and my offering of hospitality. If you don’t like the hospitality anyone’s offering, then you simply don’t attend.
In this case, you can voice your opinion (without bringing up the dress or her finances) that you don’t think a cash bar will go over well, IF SHE ASKS YOUR OPINION. But by your own admission, this is a “frenemy” so it’s hard for me to read this and think that you’re talking about bringing up the etiquette issue out of the goodness of your heart and in service to her well-being–it sounds like you’d be doing it to feel superior. She’ll pick up on that immediately and it’ll sprout all sorts of ugliness.
I sorta wonder why you’d bother being a Bridesmaid or Best Man to a “frenemy”??
Post # 12
her wedding her choice – why begrudge someone wearing the dress they want if she is prepared to stand up to others and say im not paying for your booze.
not your business, not your problem
Post # 13
she can keeo her dress and its important to her. What’s she going to do with the alcohol people drink… Nothing. If the dress is more imp to her, that’s her choice. Many people have a cash bar, its not that bad. Do you know her budget? Is she thinking of spending 5k of a 15k budget, or like 500 of a 1500 budget?
Post # 14
This isn’t the first wedding I’ve heard of with a cash bar. Is it technically going against what is recommended? Yes, but brides break other rules all the time (having family members throw showers, not handwriting addresses on the invitation envelopes, etc.). It will make her look bad, but no one would expect you (as the bridesmaid) to “right” this wrong since it was clearly a decision made by the bride and groom.
It sounds like you issue with her is greater than just the cash bar. You might save yourself a lot of grief by just ducking out of your role as bridesmaid now, and focusing your energy on the other two weddings you’re in.
Post # 15
@1stRosie: its not your place, seriously. Her wedding planning is not your issue…..especially if she cant take advice well. If you do end up telling her your opinion (nicely) DO NOT bring up the dress….it is her right and her choice to buy whatever dress she wants & to spend her money any way she wants.
Post # 16
Everyone has different priorities when it comes to wedding planning. These are the types of thoughts and opinions you should just generally – pretty much always – keep to yourself. Her wedding budget really isn’t anyone’s business but her, her Fiance and anyone else contributing.