(Closed) Mini Freakout and a Call for Help-Long First Post!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

In short…

Yes

No

Depends on you.

Only he knows

 

OK so you have to decide what you want. Then, only when you know, it is important to have a conversation about plans for the two of you. You need to be on the same page, even if that page means getting married in 5 years. he may see you as the “one”, but its possible he may never want to get married. Its possible you dont want to for another 2 years, but he wants to. Its possible he wants 2 kids and you want 1. These are things that should be discussed in a serious relationship.

The other pieces will fall into place generally once you have this conversation. 

Post # 5
Member
3595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

What other people do around you shouldn’t affect the relationship with your boyf (I love that by the way and I’m so anti abbreviations normally!) I know a couple who got engaged 3 weeks after they met. And I know another couple who were together 5 years. It’s different for everyone. There’s no need to rush as you say and I think I agree with you when you say you’re not ready. You’re still in the first stages of dating, so enjoy it!

As for his schedule on becoming a father, that’s his, not yours as a couple. You need to discuss what you both want, not just him. As a 21 year old whos been with her 33 year old SO over two years I know all the thoughts you are thinking about his age. I know SO doesn’t want to be an “old” father, but neither do I want to be having children right now. It’s about working out something that works for both of us, and we’re thinking before he’s forty right now. My godfather was well into his fifties when he had his first child with his wife (nearly 20 years his junior) and they’re very happy with it that way 🙂

Try not to feel the pressure I guess is what I’m saying, it is what you make it.

Post # 6
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My husband and I knew within 2 months of meeting that we wanted to get married and be together forever. Did we talk much about engagement and wedding dates at that point? Hell no. I was terrified even though I knew he was the one, because it was way too soon to be engaged. But we both knew that was what we were working towards, and we had lots of conversations about the future: kids, how we envisioned our future life together, how we viewed marriage, values, etc. We got engaged a year later and married a few months after that. 

I think more important than discussing the specifics of engagement and wedding timelines is talking about how you each envision the future, how you view your relationship, and whether your views are compatible. It sounds like you are both thinking long-term and you are on the same page about kids, so I would make sure you are on the same page about the other stuff– whether you even want to get married, what marriage or committment means to you, where you see your life in 10 years. 

I also think anytime you move to be with a SO (which I did before I got engaged), it’s a big risk and you need to be certain about your future. You’re smart to be thinking about this rather than going into it blindly just hoping for the best. You need to have a talk with your boyfriend about what it means for you to move to be with him, how solid your committment is, what it will mean for you logistically/ financially/ emotionally if you break up. I talked about all this with my husband before I moved across the state for him, and though it wasn’t fun thinking about, I needed him to know what a big committment I was making for him, and I had to know that I wouldn’t be totally screwed if our relationship didn’t work out. Since I was taking a significant decrease in salary to be with him, we were going to have a cohabitation agreement (like a prenup that would take care of me for a certain period of time if we broke up). We ended up not doing that because I trusted him completely and we were so close to engagement by then, but we did combine our finances which gave me some protection when I moved.

That might have been way more than you needed to know, but I hope it’s helpful. Good luck! It sounds like you’re at a very exciting time in your relationship!

Post # 7
Member
700 posts
Busy bee

@MissBananaBread114:  Hey, just relax, i’ve had friends who were only together 9mo get engaged, or who have known each other less time than we have and get engaged. i could go into meltdown as i’m 34 and no where near a wedding etc or just go along with life. your only 22, plenty of time to see the world, do things. Marriage is a huge, expensive step , one that is very hard to undo. make sure it’s something BOTH of you want.

Post # 8
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Every relationship is different.  If you want to marry him (because you want to spend the rest of your life with him, not because everyone else is doing it) have an honest discussion with him to see where you two stand on the subject.  

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