Post # 1
I have been lurking around these parts for a couple months now just checking things out and have contemplated posting something, but I never really considered myself to be “waiting” yet. My boyf and I have only been together for 10 months (though we’ve been living together for 6), I’m only 22 and still finishing up my BA and planning on grad school (he’s 27 and gainfully employed but would prefer to work for himself), and weddings and getting married have just never been on my radar (my parents eloped, none of my friends are at that stage in their relationships yet, and I just attended my first wedding in March).
Because the boyf is right in the middle of that age where everyone seems to be getting engaged or married, I have had weddings and marriage on the mind much more lately, but not in any real, practical way. This was UNTIL the boyf informed me today that one of his good friends is planning on proposing later this year. To his GF of 3 months. This comes after his other close friend’s marriage last summer. To a woman he knew for 11 months. And his best friend planning on proposing in September to his GF of about a year and a half.
Seeing all of the boyf’s friends tie the knot (or plan on getting engaged in the very near future), especially the most recent one, kinda sent me into a freak out today. My brain went something like this after hearing the news:
- His friend said he and his GF had discussed marriage and getting engaged; we’ve been dating 3x as long and haven’t had a frank talk about it…should we?
- Why are all of the boyf’s friends so eager to get hitched? Is it a problem that my boyf isn’t jumping all over me to propose RIGHT THIS MINUTE?
- The boyf showed me the gchat convo he had today with his friend (thought I don’t think he realized he was showing me the whole thing and not just a snippet) in which he said I was his soulmate and how it’s so awesome to have found “the One,” but also that he’s in “no rush” to get married. Is this good? Bad? More useless information??
- Is the boyf thinking about engagement/marriage? is it bad if he is/isn’t? Should I be thinking about it? Am I being super weird and jumping the gun?
- Insert other miscellaneous crazy-girl questions here!
I actually did start sort of hyperventilating and having a mini freakout in my head while driving and thinking about all of this. I don’t think I’m ready to be engaged for at least another year-year and a half, so I’m not sure if I’m super jumping the gun, but I find myself itching to know what he thinks and where we stand. My main point of this entire story is this: should I try to talk to the boyf about our future/engagements/marriage/etc.?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
P.S. I’m not sure if this info is also important: I’m graduating in December, and we’re planning on moving to another part of the state (away from my hometown/family/friends and close to his) for his job in the beginning of 2013, a plan I’ve always been on board with, but I did think I would need to have some sort of discussion about commitment with the boyf before that happened because if we broke up I’d be in a pretty tough spot.
Post # 3
Depends on you.
Only he knows
OK so you have to decide what you want. Then, only when you know, it is important to have a conversation about plans for the two of you. You need to be on the same page, even if that page means getting married in 5 years. he may see you as the “one”, but its possible he may never want to get married. Its possible you dont want to for another 2 years, but he wants to. Its possible he wants 2 kids and you want 1. These are things that should be discussed in a serious relationship.
The other pieces will fall into place generally once you have this conversation.
Post # 4
@ThreeMeers: Thanks for the advice! You actually just brought up another thought: we have had a handful of talks about the future (nothing concrete), so I know that we both want to get married and have 1 or 2 kids. The boyf has said he doesn’t want to become a dad too late in life (32-33 I think is his ideal), and we both would like to be married for a few years before that to travel, live abroad, and establish our business. I wonder if he’s ever done the math and realized that if he wants a kid at 32, we’d probably like to be semi settled when he’s 31 or so. 31 minus 3 years is 28 which is how old he’ll be in October. I guess that’s another reason to have some sort of discussion sooner rather than later…
Post # 5
What other people do around you shouldn’t affect the relationship with your boyf (I love that by the way and I’m so anti abbreviations normally!) I know a couple who got engaged 3 weeks after they met. And I know another couple who were together 5 years. It’s different for everyone. There’s no need to rush as you say and I think I agree with you when you say you’re not ready. You’re still in the first stages of dating, so enjoy it!
As for his schedule on becoming a father, that’s his, not yours as a couple. You need to discuss what you both want, not just him. As a 21 year old whos been with her 33 year old SO over two years I know all the thoughts you are thinking about his age. I know SO doesn’t want to be an “old” father, but neither do I want to be having children right now. It’s about working out something that works for both of us, and we’re thinking before he’s forty right now. My godfather was well into his fifties when he had his first child with his wife (nearly 20 years his junior) and they’re very happy with it that way 🙂
Try not to feel the pressure I guess is what I’m saying, it is what you make it.
Post # 6
My husband and I knew within 2 months of meeting that we wanted to get married and be together forever. Did we talk much about engagement and wedding dates at that point? Hell no. I was terrified even though I knew he was the one, because it was way too soon to be engaged. But we both knew that was what we were working towards, and we had lots of conversations about the future: kids, how we envisioned our future life together, how we viewed marriage, values, etc. We got engaged a year later and married a few months after that.
I think more important than discussing the specifics of engagement and wedding timelines is talking about how you each envision the future, how you view your relationship, and whether your views are compatible. It sounds like you are both thinking long-term and you are on the same page about kids, so I would make sure you are on the same page about the other stuff– whether you even want to get married, what marriage or committment means to you, where you see your life in 10 years.
I also think anytime you move to be with a SO (which I did before I got engaged), it’s a big risk and you need to be certain about your future. You’re smart to be thinking about this rather than going into it blindly just hoping for the best. You need to have a talk with your boyfriend about what it means for you to move to be with him, how solid your committment is, what it will mean for you logistically/ financially/ emotionally if you break up. I talked about all this with my husband before I moved across the state for him, and though it wasn’t fun thinking about, I needed him to know what a big committment I was making for him, and I had to know that I wouldn’t be totally screwed if our relationship didn’t work out. Since I was taking a significant decrease in salary to be with him, we were going to have a cohabitation agreement (like a prenup that would take care of me for a certain period of time if we broke up). We ended up not doing that because I trusted him completely and we were so close to engagement by then, but we did combine our finances which gave me some protection when I moved.
That might have been way more than you needed to know, but I hope it’s helpful. Good luck! It sounds like you’re at a very exciting time in your relationship!
Post # 7
@MissBananaBread114: Hey, just relax, i’ve had friends who were only together 9mo get engaged, or who have known each other less time than we have and get engaged. i could go into meltdown as i’m 34 and no where near a wedding etc or just go along with life. your only 22, plenty of time to see the world, do things. Marriage is a huge, expensive step , one that is very hard to undo. make sure it’s something BOTH of you want.
Post # 8
Every relationship is different. If you want to marry him (because you want to spend the rest of your life with him, not because everyone else is doing it) have an honest discussion with him to see where you two stand on the subject.
Post # 9
Thank you everyone for all the advice! I wrote this kind of late at night and feel like I was totally all over the place, so I really appreciate all of you who waded through my crazy to help me out.
I’m feeling a lot more zen about things today, and I think I’ve decided I’m going to try and ease in to having a low-key talk about our future plans in general. I want to know where he thinks/would like us to be in a few years (geographically, relationship-wise, career-wise, etc.) and kind of go from there. Like I’ve read many times on these comments, these discussions oftentimes end up being more of a series of conversations rather than one giant ominous WE NEED TO TALK moment, so I think getting the ball rolling is a good idea for me and my dude.