mini vent about FI's lack of planning and disappointment

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

I am sorry you’re upset. But your post was a lil confusing. Are you upset that he didn’t plan to be at your job while you were there? Or are you upset that he was late? Or just upset period?

It seems like you may be in a emotional place and making to much out of this. It seems like this is a pattern. You over plan, he under plans, and then you are left feeling dejected. Why couldn’t you have waitied for him to come to you? Or met him half way instead of stewing internally? Maybe he is just as fustrated as you are?

Again, I am sorry if my advice wasn’t what you were looking.

Post # 3
Member
4825 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My husband never plans, but I know that and accept it. I always remind myself that he doesn’t plan because he’s so laid back, which is one of my favorite things about him. He hardly ever gets mad, he rolls with the punches, and he calms me down. If he was a great planner like I am, there’s no way he could be so laid back, so it’s a package deal. 

Sure, you can talk about specific situations and try to just plan things yourself, but you’ll never change him, and I bet if you really think about it, you wouldn’t want to 

Post # 4
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Skittles131:  I agree that that would be frustrating when you’ve looked forward to it all year.

For me and my DH, if it is something out of the usual schedule for him, I make a point to remind him if it is something important to me, make sure he puts a reminder in his smartphone, etc. 

I’m going to guess that your FI likely got into the flow of his normal work day and maybe forgot about your previous plans, since you didn’t talk about it over the weekend, and it’s not his normal routine to have lunch with you. Just let him know that it hurt your feelings that he didn’t follow through with your plans, and ask him to make more of an effort in the future. If you know this is his pattern, maybe you can send him a text in advance (like at 10 am today, for example) as a reminder. I know it probably feels like you shouldn’t have to do that, that he should be able to remember, etc, but we all have to accept our SO’s positive/negative parts, as sometimes certain things are not able to be changed about someone’s habits/personality.  

Post # 5
Member
13020 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, but since this was your school and your schedule, it sounds to me like you should have been the one to confirm that he could visit at the scheduled time.  If you knew he takes lunch everyday at 11:30, why did you wait until noon and leave just to tell him you were disappointed he didn’t come at 11:30.  If this is something you understand that he will be lacking and love him dispite of it, then I think you need to work with it and confirm plans, not test him to see if he’ll plan and remember, then get upset when he does.  I know it’s fustrating if you both end up forgetting and you feel like you can’t count on him, but this is a flaw you know and are accepting.

Post # 6
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Skittles131: Why didn’t you call? It seems like an easily rectified miscommunication. 

That said, I feel your pain — FI and I are the same way. It took me skipping some of his events (because I had my own plans) for him to realize that he needed to respect my schedule. 

Maybe instead of focusing on where he falls short, maybe just have a super awesome time without him and give him some serious FOMO? That works for me as well.

Post # 7
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, I’d question the appropriateness of bringing your fiance to take a tour of your workplace. I know you’re excited about the job but it’s not really normal to bring your spouse to take a tour of your job. So he might not have felt totally comfortable taking a long lunch to go somewhere that really isn’t for him.

In general though, if you’re the planner, then take responsibility for your plans. You can set calendar reminders so he won’t forget, or text/email him a reminder. This is who he is, and that’s not something that will change. Just like you wouldn’t stop planning, he’s not going to stop being a go with the flow kind of person. 

Post # 10
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Skittles131:  mine is the same way. I plan and worry and think a lot. He just goes with the flow. He is always telling me to “relax” and “calm down” and that “things will be fine”. I on the other hand, disagree; they’re only fine because I plan, is what I tell him! Either way, the fact that you both are opposites is not a bad thing 🙂 I’ve learned not to expect too much, and sometimes I’ve even been pleasantly surprised 😀 I remind him of my birthdays several times and I have just learned that it’s not all that important. And hey, if he disappoints me by his lack of planning, in a situation like yours, I can tell him he was wrong and he can’t always “go with the flow”! 😛

Post # 9
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Skittles131:  We didn’t discuss it over the weekend and with my bachelorette party this past weekend, I honestly forgot about it. <br /><br />

Seems like it wasn’t fresh in his mind.  If you reminded him before you left the house this morning, he probably would’ve shown up.   Next time, send him a text an hour before he is supposed to be there to remind him!  I always have to remind my guy about things we have going on.  Every morning, I give him the rundown and also send text reminders if/when necessary.  It’s easier for me to do that than getting mad at him.  My guy is very busy and his memory is like. sieve when it comes to the social plans!

 

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