Post # 1
I love FI and I can’t wait to marry him. I am very happy with him but not without an issue here and there. One of our ongoing points of conflict is his lack of planning. I am the uber planner, super organized and always setting things up. FI is a go with the flow kinda guy. I’ve accepted that about him (and I know I probably plan too much and this isn’t his issue alone), but this is the most common thing that gets in the way of us (though it doesn’t cause conflict that often, honestly). We talk about it and he always says “what does it hurt if I don’t plan?” well, funny, today I have the perfect example.
Today was my last day of work for the summer (I work at a school). It is a new job (in fact, my internship year). Since the beginning of the year, I’ve been telling him that I would love for him to come see my office, bring lunch, and I can show him around. During the year with kids around, that’s hard but we have teacher work days at the beginning and end of the year where students aren’t around and would be a perfect time for him to visit. This past week, I told him that Monday (today) was our very last day and would be perfect for him to visit. He agreed and seemed into the idea. He works, but has lunch at 11:30 every day and said he would take a long lunch to visit. We didn’t discuss it over the weekend and with my bachelorette party this past weekend, I honestly forgot about it. Well, today at work came and went and I left at noon because I was done and was allowed to leave (I told FI back when we talked about it last that I would likely get off early and could leave with him). I texted FI that I was sad that he didn’t come visit today. I got in my car and drove home. He texted a few minutes later saying he was on his way. I wrote him back saying I already left. I was dissappointed, but thought let me be honest and give him another chance instead of stewing inside about it so I said “well, I’m going to lunch at X.” No response. I call him and he says he’s already back at work.
It’s just very frustrating to me that he goes through all of this (with me being impacted by it) without making plans or letting me know what’s going on in advance. I feel like I can’t be too hard on him because I forgot too. But we kind of agreed to it already previously. I haven’t seen him yet today as he isn’t home from work yet. Any advice on how to approach him about it? My instinct is to tell him it’s OK and get over it so he doesn’t feel bad, but I am truly disappointed and I don’t know that it’s fair to me. This one issue isn’t a huge deal, but it signals to me issues that may come in the future. What are some other things that he doesn’t plan for and impacts me. What then?
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB
I am sorry you’re upset. But your post was a lil confusing. Are you upset that he didn’t plan to be at your job while you were there? Or are you upset that he was late? Or just upset period?
It seems like you may be in a emotional place and making to much out of this. It seems like this is a pattern. You over plan, he under plans, and then you are left feeling dejected. Why couldn’t you have waitied for him to come to you? Or met him half way instead of stewing internally? Maybe he is just as fustrated as you are?
Again, I am sorry if my advice wasn’t what you were looking.
Post # 3
My husband never plans, but I know that and accept it. I always remind myself that he doesn’t plan because he’s so laid back, which is one of my favorite things about him. He hardly ever gets mad, he rolls with the punches, and he calms me down. If he was a great planner like I am, there’s no way he could be so laid back, so it’s a package deal.
Sure, you can talk about specific situations and try to just plan things yourself, but you’ll never change him, and I bet if you really think about it, you wouldn’t want to
Post # 4
Skittles131: I agree that that would be frustrating when you’ve looked forward to it all year.
For me and my DH, if it is something out of the usual schedule for him, I make a point to remind him if it is something important to me, make sure he puts a reminder in his smartphone, etc.
I’m going to guess that your FI likely got into the flow of his normal work day and maybe forgot about your previous plans, since you didn’t talk about it over the weekend, and it’s not his normal routine to have lunch with you. Just let him know that it hurt your feelings that he didn’t follow through with your plans, and ask him to make more of an effort in the future. If you know this is his pattern, maybe you can send him a text in advance (like at 10 am today, for example) as a reminder. I know it probably feels like you shouldn’t have to do that, that he should be able to remember, etc, but we all have to accept our SO’s positive/negative parts, as sometimes certain things are not able to be changed about someone’s habits/personality.
Post # 5
I’m sorry, but since this was your school and your schedule, it sounds to me like you should have been the one to confirm that he could visit at the scheduled time. If you knew he takes lunch everyday at 11:30, why did you wait until noon and leave just to tell him you were disappointed he didn’t come at 11:30. If this is something you understand that he will be lacking and love him dispite of it, then I think you need to work with it and confirm plans, not test him to see if he’ll plan and remember, then get upset when he does. I know it’s fustrating if you both end up forgetting and you feel like you can’t count on him, but this is a flaw you know and are accepting.
Post # 6
Skittles131: Why didn’t you call? It seems like an easily rectified miscommunication.
That said, I feel your pain — FI and I are the same way. It took me skipping some of his events (because I had my own plans) for him to realize that he needed to respect my schedule.
Maybe instead of focusing on where he falls short, maybe just have a super awesome time without him and give him some serious FOMO? That works for me as well.
Post # 7
Well, I’d question the appropriateness of bringing your fiance to take a tour of your workplace. I know you’re excited about the job but it’s not really normal to bring your spouse to take a tour of your job. So he might not have felt totally comfortable taking a long lunch to go somewhere that really isn’t for him.
In general though, if you’re the planner, then take responsibility for your plans. You can set calendar reminders so he won’t forget, or text/email him a reminder. This is who he is, and that’s not something that will change. Just like you wouldn’t stop planning, he’s not going to stop being a go with the flow kind of person.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts!
RunnerBride13: yes, this exactly! I definitely feel like I like this about him too which is why I’m careful to not complain about it. But it still doesn’t take away the frustration of him not following thorugh with plans :/
absolutely_tati: Sorry if it was confusing. I was disappointed he didn’t show up on my last day as he said he would.
emstar168: this is very thoughtful and helpful advice. I think that would definitely help in the future. Thank you!
MariContrary: It’s very common at my school for spouses and family to come by on teacher work days to help de-assemble rooms, carry out things, etc. so it’s definitely not appropriate in this situation. In fact, people ask when they can meet him and that he should come around.
Post # 10
Skittles131: mine is the same way. I plan and worry and think a lot. He just goes with the flow. He is always telling me to “relax” and “calm down” and that “things will be fine”. I on the other hand, disagree; they’re only fine because I plan, is what I tell him! Either way, the fact that you both are opposites is not a bad thing 🙂 I’ve learned not to expect too much, and sometimes I’ve even been pleasantly surprised 😀 I remind him of my birthdays several times and I have just learned that it’s not all that important. And hey, if he disappoints me by his lack of planning, in a situation like yours, I can tell him he was wrong and he can’t always “go with the flow”! 😛
Post # 9
Skittles131: We didn’t discuss it over the weekend and with my bachelorette party this past weekend, I honestly forgot about it. <br /><br />
Seems like it wasn’t fresh in his mind. If you reminded him before you left the house this morning, he probably would’ve shown up. Next time, send him a text an hour before he is supposed to be there to remind him! I always have to remind my guy about things we have going on. Every morning, I give him the rundown and also send text reminders if/when necessary. It’s easier for me to do that than getting mad at him. My guy is very busy and his memory is like. sieve when it comes to the social plans!