Miscarriage and Mother's Day….anyone that can shed some light?!

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@loveknows:  I had a MC, and I probably will be sad on Mother’s Day and would appreciate sensitivity around that. However, wasn’t Mother’s Day over 4 months ago? Why is this still bothering you? 

Post # 4
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@loveknows:  I have had 2 miscarriages and I think it is completely unrealistic to expect the world to stop and people to be “sensitive” to that. The world goes on and there are plenty of mothers and babies to celebrate. I wouldn’t avoid saying happy mother’s day to my sister or anyone else nor would I expect people to pretend the day didn’t exist. That would just be awkward and make it worse like the elephant in the room.

I’m sorry that your happiness and excitement was not put first in this situation. You are a mother, you have a baby, and you should be able to celebrate with your family. If someone wants to be engaged and married I am not going to pretend my wedding isn’t happening and I am not in the planning process. I really do think this attitude is completely silly. I am not a mother, but I will be one day. Others don’t have to suffer for that!

Post # 5
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I can understand wanting to be excited about your first Mother’s Day, but I definitely see why they wouldn’t want to make a big thing of it in front of someone who recently (I’m guessing this was recent?) experienced a loss.

I have not experienced a MC myself, but I can only imagine that it comes with an incredible sense of loss, a loss you can’t even properly grieve since you never had a chance to meet him or her.  

Is your SIL going through a tough time trying to get/stay pregnant?  Maybe she is strugging with infertility?  

I have a dear friend who has been through hell to get pregnant, but keeps miscarrying.  Every single month her wishes and dreams are dashed AGAIN as her period comes.  She can’t get over the hurt because every cycle her wounds are opened again, and again, and again.  She wants so badly to be a mom that she can’t even stand to be around those who have what she wants, but can’t have.  It’s overwhelming for her to be surrounded by people who are getting pregnant and having healthy babies.  It’s not that she doesn’t want that for other people, but the pain is too significant for her to even deal with it.  

Is it possible that your SIL is having a really hard time coping with her loss?  I’m sorry you didn’t have the jubilant mother’s day celebration you wanted, and I hope your DH was able to make it special for you.  It just might be really difficult for your SIL to celebrate something for you that may or may not ever happen for herself.

Post # 6
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Was the SIL’s miscarriage recent? People on the outside of a MC have no idea how the woman is feeling and will often tip-toe around her for awhile so as not to upset her. Every woman deals with a MC differently. For me, I was very sad, but I wouldn’t ever expect people to not celebrate Mother’s Day for those that do have healthy babies. Some women however, might be more sensitive. It was nice that your MIL did acknowledge it ultimately, but it’s unfortunate that you were hurt. I’m sure no one meant to hurt you though, they were just trying to protect their daughter who is already hurting. 

Post # 7
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MrsPanda99:  I find it really interesting that you and I responded from the viewpoint opposite our own experiences.  Hmm… 

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@loveknows:  The year I had my MC was rough.  I had attended two baby showers within a few months.  They were hard but I made myself go and be happy for the mommies.  Each month and holiday was a reminder that I had a MC and I would count how many months pregnant I would have been and even remembered my EDD.  I still occasionally think about my MC baby (I named her Julienne) and how old she would be if I had carried her to term.  I MC’d when I was only 7 weeks so I can’t imagine how much more upsetting it is for women who have more time to bond before MC.

Post # 10
Member
2740 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’ve never had a miscarriage, but I like to think I would be able to look past my own sadness enough to wish my SIL a happy first mother’s day. 

My first mother’s day was really special to me, and I know I’d have been disappointed if I felt like I couldn’t celebrate it with my family.  I’m sorry yours wasn’t what it should have been.

Post # 11
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I had a MC on Mother’s Day and didn’t even realize what day it was. I was in bed for two days, so depressed and didn’t want to talk to anyone. It’s very depressing and effects everyone differently. I think the day of, would’ve been the worst for me since it happened on Mother’s Day. I can understand how you could’ve been hurt by not getting the attention you wanted, but I wouldn’t make it a big deal. As long as your DH celebrated with you along with your baby, that’s all you really need. 

Post # 12
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@DaneLady:  I just don’t expect the world to stop for me. It would feel worse for me if everyone was tip toeing around and walking on eggshells to avoid the obvious day it was. Yes, I experienced a loss. Two actually. However, my sister, my mother, and my two SILs haven’t (the third SIL has, many times). Mother’s Day is about celebrating mothers and it is completely unreasonable and unrealistic to ask people not to do that because of your experience. I honestly would feel selfish and terrible if I ruined that experience for anyone else or if they felt they couldn’t be happy and enjoy themselves because of me.

Shit happens. It’s life. People also die on a regular basis but does that mean we can’t celebrate birthdays because there is death? Whether or not it is an important day to me or not, it is an important day to a lot of the ladies I am closest with and I am happy to celebrate how strong, wonderful, and incredible they are. They make a lot of sacrifices for their children and even the SIL I hate tries to be a good mom. All of those positive elements should be ignored because of me? I think not. I’d never want or expect that.

Post # 13
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@beachbride1216:  I do the exact same thing. I often think about the child I could’ve had and how old he’ll be today. How different my life would be. I was 2 months when i MC. I totally feel you. 

Post # 14
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MrsPanda99:  I do agree to a point that you need to put on your big girl panties sometimes, but since I have never experienced a loss I think I might err on the side of eggshells!  

Post # 15
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

@loveknows:  I think that THEY were very selfish.  

My cousin died this year very unexpectedly at 29.  My Aunt was/is devastated.  She has not ran around and selfishly acted like holidays don’t exist, however.  She is grieving and utterly heartbroken, but as a good, loving person she has not insisted other people not celebrate holidays in front of her so that she can feel better. Killing the joy of others would not make her feel better.  Only nasty people feel better from preventing others from experiencing joy. 

It sounds like your sister in law is very coddled and a bit spoiled.   Her heartache is real, but in no way should it justify the idea that others can’t celebrate holidays.  That was a very selfish way to handle the situation. 

Post # 16
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@DaneLady:  This mother’s day my sister was a bit hesitant. I could tell. I just said, “despite what happened to me, I am really happy for you. Happy Mother’s Day.” Then we had our usual Mother’s Day festivities. People are always very concerned about being PC but at a point we need to realize that the world goes on. There will be Mother’s Day displays everywhere; people are going to talk about it; and you just have to come to terms with it.

Children have no filter and my sister’s daughter, Emma, gave me a hug and said that I will “be a good mommy one day.” She has no idea about the losses of course, but she is just a sweet little girl. She knew that most of the other ladies at the house had babies and that Aunt MrsPanda99 doesn’t. I don’t know. It just doesn’t bothe me, but then again most things don’t. I am not an overly sensitive or emotional kind of girl.   

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