Miscarriages of close friends, need to get things off my chest

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Be the best friend to these people that you can.  Give space if they want space or give a shoulder to cry/lean on if they want it.  Do not for a second think things like “I am not worthy of this” because it’s simply untrue.  Unfortunately some people have bad luck or other problems that lead to miscarriage or other misfortune, it does not mean that your good fortune is any less deserved or any less wonderful.  Congratulations on your pregnancy and try to cheer up!

Post # 3
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

globalmargaret:  A few months ago we discovered at 8 weeks our pregnancy was ectopic.  This was after my tube had ruptured and I was rushed into surgery.  It was a very tramtic experience.  We also found out a few weeks later that my sister was pregnant and had gotten pregnant a few days before the incident.  There is no reason you should feel guilty.  I know my sister has had points where she feels guilty that she got pregnant while I was dealing with my loss.  But, I know what I went through had nothing to do with her.  The one thing she did do that I appreciated was a quick phone call letting me know that if there was any point I felt like she was being insensitive to let her know. 

Also, it might be best to stop looking at it as I am still pregnant why am I more worthy?  It’s not about being worthy or who would have been a better parent.  Dealing with pregnancy loss is just part of their journey.  One day, when they are supposed to, they will be great parents.

Post # 4
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Speaking as someone who has had a miscarriage and has a few pregnant friends, here is my advice. 

1. Just say “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” There is really not much else you can say. Some people inadvertently say pretty hurtful things, like “you’re still young, you can have another one” or “it wasn’t meant to be.” Don’t say that stuff. Just say “I’m so sorry” or “I’m here for you/I love you/etc.” 

2. Be sensitive when talking about your pregnancy. That doesn’t mean don’t talk about it ever, but complaining about the sucky parts is probably not the best topic of conversation with your friends right now. Remember that your friend would probably trade any level of pain or discomfort to have her baby back, and go from there. Clearly you are a really good, sensitive friend for even asking this, so I’m sure you’ll be fine at being a good support for them. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1015 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think KatieBklyn nailed it.  Just to add, don’t ever tell her how she should be feeling, or how you’d feel in her shoes if you’ve never been there.  That applies now, and when she gets pregnant in the future (she’ll likely be more nervous after experiencing loss).  It sounds silly to have to say this, but some people who think they are supportive say some horrible things (speaking from experience here, though my experience is based on how I was handling my infertility, and my uber fertile sister tried to tell me that what I was feeling was wrong and how she would feel, though she had no flipping clue so it was really hurtful and I’m still avoiding her).  I’m so sorry is really the best thing you can say.  Ask her how you can support her.  

Post # 6
Member
2839 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Also, I totally agree with Mrs_Em that it really doesn’t have anything to do with who deserves it more… unfortunately, pregnancy loss and fertility struggles are just part of life. Don’t feel guilty about having an easy pregnancy! And don’t feel guilty about being somewhat ambivalent about pregnancy or parenthood – it is super normal to feel scared/nervous/ambivalent, etc. Like I said before, probably not the best topic of discussion for you to have with your friends who are going through loss and infertility, but totally totally normal nonetheless – and hopefully you have other friends who can give YOU support with those feelings. 

One last thing – don’t be afraid to bring it up. After my loss, a lot of people were there for me right away, but as the weeks passed, people started acting like they’d forgotten about it. Friends stopped asking “how are you doing?” around the time the shock started to wear off and the grief really set in. I know people are often afraid to bring up sad topics, but don’t be afraid to check in with them a month from now, two months from now, etc. 

Post # 7
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

My SIL suffered a miscarriage when I was 20 weeks pregnant and she was 8 weeks. It was devistating to my family. We are all very close (we live less than a mile from BIL and SIL). For the first few weeks/months, I felt like anytime I was around her or talked to her on the phone, I was somehow rubbing it in that I was still pregnant and she wasn’t. I would text her only a few times/week to see how she’s doing and let her know that I was thinking about her, but I didn’t try to force anything.

I wanted to be supportive but not overbearing. I let her know that I couldn’t imagine what she was going through, but I was there as a shoulder to cry on, or a distraction if she needed one (I was always down to grab ice cream or go for a walk). I let her decide how much we talked or saw eachother for a few months after. Eventually the wounds started to heal and she was able to ask me about my pregnancy again, and began to get excited for the birth of her first nephew.

After my son was born, she told me how much she appreciated that I gave her space, but she always knew that I was thinking about her. She’s now 18 weeks pregnant with my first neice/nephew and our kids will be 11 months apart when s/he’s born. I’m glad that I can now dote on her 100% and make her feel like the most special pregnant woman ever. She gets to be the center of attention and we can’t wait for my son to have a new baby cousin. So it all worked out in the end!!

 

Post # 8
Member
728 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

globalmargaret:  I know what you are going through. My sister tried to get pregnant for 2 years. My husband and I got pregnant on the first try. Then when I was 20 weeks, she announces that she is 8 weeks pregnant. I found out I was having a girl at my anatomy scan and she found out she was also having a girl through testing shortly after. We were estatic and then she miscarried at 14 weeks. It was devistating and I had no idea how to react and still feel extremely guilty sometimes. I have learned that the most important thing for you and your baby is to celebrate the good things instead of focusing on the bad things or what could have been. My sister is my biggest supporter and is going to be the best Auntie ever. The last thing she wants is for me to not talk to her about my pregnancy. She says it helps her to be involved and is always checking in with me to see how things are going. She wants to know the good and bad because it makes her feel more connected to her niece. 

Post # 9
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

A coworker of mine just recently announced her pregnancy at work and then soon after had a miscarriage. It made me feel awful considering there are three more of us at work who are expecting and I know it’s probably difficult for her to work with us everyday. The day I found out I told her I was thinking of her and gave her a tight squeeze. The whole staff put together a basket for her with gift cards and treats. We had a girls night the next week and were all very careful with topics of discussion. Although it was inevitable that pregnancy would not get brought up with three pregnant women, we were careful not to complain and to make an effort to talk about other things too. 

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