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awww im sorry youre going through this... i would end things with your fi.... you sound like you were never fully committed to marriage and the engagement just kind of happened and you got caught up in it all. you really need to follow your heart here, if you are not happy then dont drag him along while you try to decide what to do. the fact that youre even posting this tells me you have made up your mind, its just a matter of doing it (breaking it off), which is probably very scary for you, but in the end i think youll be happy you did it.
It sounds like you have already said all the mean things anyone could say about this to yourself. I'm sorry you feel so bad and conflicted. It must be really upsetting.
You are already doing what my number 1 advice would be: Go talk to a professional. You sound like you have (very understandable) issues with what a marriage is and can be. That could very reasonably be resulting in conflicted feelings, cold feet, and all the other things that are happening.
On a personal level, I would advise you to ask yourself what you want out of your marriage, even the stupid things that don't last like passion, if you want it (whatever those things are) you will always be missing it. Ask yourself if your fiance can provide those things. And be brutally honest with yourself. No matter what this will be hard and you will feel bad.
I don't think you are a bad person. I hope you can be happy, what ever the outcome.
Ok so I'm not going to freak because I kind of understand. I go with you leave FI now. If you are willing to even start this, he probably isn't the right one for you.
Secondly, we do tend to repeat the traits we hate the most in our parents. I have been in your same shoes. I was engaged and contemplated marrying my best friend. Everything was always "good" but I never got that amazing this is the one feeling. I would start relationships that didn't always involve physical cheating but def mentally cheating. I left that engagement and then sought therapy to figure out why I would repeat the type of behaivor I loathed so much. It's super common, not that it makes you feel any better.
It helped me so much and after years of figuring things out I am now engaged and getting married to the one!
Well the only insight I can give you on this subject, would be from the first few things you said about your fi.
One of my very best friends married a guy that she loved very very very deeply. However they lacked that certain "passion" I guess. Well they were married for about 2 years and then they both one day just simply said I don't love you the way I should love my wife/husband. They got divorced, are still best friends, and are both with awesome people who they love very much and from what I can tell she has passion with her new guy.
Now I don't know what you can really do, but maybe you need to talk to a therpist and say the things you just wrote, or even read what you just wrote to yourself and think about it. I know that you said that you are going to, but maybe even reading out loud what you just wrote will help you! And in noway am I saying that what happened with my friend will happen to you and your fi, I'm just trying to say that sometimes when you don't feel like you have that special something with a person you really don't, and sometimes it is best to just move on. However my friend didn't already have someone else in her life, and if I were you I would be very careful about making sure you aren't thinking that the other grass is really greener, because a lot of the times it isn't.
Best of Luck and I hope you figure out what makes you happy <3
Best of Luck!
This is a tough situation.
I do not think you're a bad person for this. Just because someone is awesome, and a good person, doesn't mean he's a good person for you. Maybe this is the wake up call you needed.
You never had passion with your FI and thought you didn't need it. Now you realize that maybe it's something missing from your relationship and that you might want to have that too.
You need to evaluate just how much you want it. If you can live without it and be happy and committed to your FI from this point on, you'll need to find ways with him to spice up your relationship.
If you can't live with low passion, then you might have to leave. Don't forget that the new guy may seem like he's all that now, but it always looks good in the beginnings; so don't leave one FOR another - if you leave, do so because you know that you don't get what you need from your current relationship and that it's not fixable.
Good luck..
This is really a tough time for you! As hard as it might be, I agree, it is best to come clean with your FI - and not just because the other guy came into the picture. Even before him, it sounds like you weren't into making a life commitment with FI.
And once/if you do that, don't run to the other guy for solace. This is be difficult, but now is the time to stand on your own two feet. Your therapist will help you as will your friends and family. I also did not have the best marriage example set for me by my parents. Watching them and their messy divorce, I definitely saw what I did NOT want. It just made me decide that I have to be happy with and by myself before even trying to be in a relationship. Do not beat yourself up for what you've done. All you can do now is move forward in the right direction. Best of luck to you.
Hi Mizerable. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I was in a similar situation where I met someone who I had extreme passion for amd I wanted to get to know but it was so hard for me to do that to FI. I told him that I had met someone and you know what, we sat down, had a heart to heart and figured out what was missing in our relationship.
You will go through moments where your are down in your relationship, but I honestly think that you should talk to your FI and give your relationship the chance it deserves. This is just me, but if i were you, i would distance myself from that guy you met to give your relationship that shot at fixing itself.
I hope this may help at least a bit. There will always be temptation, the key is whether or not it is worth it to act upon it.
And much like you, my father cheated on my mother many times and she stayed with him becuase she loved him and becuase of her children. Thankfully they have worked through it and I must say sometimes when I get urges, I feel like I will be like my father but my mind does not allow me to.
Good luck.
Look at this as a blessing. Wouldn't you rather know now that you can feel the passion with someone and that your FI may not be the "one" before you walk down the aisle? I know it is easier said than done to leave ones FI, and kudos to you for opening up, my vote is to leave your FI.
Is it possible that you "settled" for your FI because he is a good guy? Maybe you thought that would be enough?
I would dump your FI and keep dating this other guy. See where the relationship goes. I say this having done it in my own life. Yes it is incredibly hard. But it's harder to live a lie and pretend you are going to make a great marriage if you won't. Don't feel trapped or cornered by the environment or the past. It doesn't matter if you live together. It doesn't matter how long you've been together. It doesn't matter if his family loves you and yours him. What matters is HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL. Trust yourself.
If you feel like you're settling, you are. And if you feel something might be missing, it is. Sexual chemistry is not everything in a relationship, but it is important.
I think you need to start by seeing a counsellor and then couples counselling,, maybe if your FI knew how you were feeling things could be better between you two?
I am SO sorry that you are having these feelings! I can completely relate with what you are going through because I was in the same boat. I got married to my absolute best friend in the world at the age of 19 and I was married for four years. Our marriage was great in all aspects except PASSION! We didn't have any and I tried to avoid sex at all costs because it was more of a chore than anything. I tried so hard to look past that for years because he really was/is a great man and we had a great life together. After months of pondering how to talk to him, I couldn't take it anymore and I told him how I was feeling...it turned out that he was feeling the same way and we decided to amicably divorce. For so long, I thought I didn't have the sexdrive necessary to be in a so-called passionate relationship...until I met my FI! We are best friends, he is a wonderful man, and the icing on the cake is: we can't keep our hands off each other!
So as much as I loved my ex, "love" wasn't enough in our situation. I never thought I would say that, but when all was said and done, we were just friends who loved each other; not friends "in love"...and there is a difference.
I'm telling you all of this to let you know that you're not the only one who feels this way. Just because you're feeling this way doesn't mean you're a bad person. In fact, I think it's far more admirable to tell your FI NOW before the wedding rather than go through with it and subject FI to potentially more pain down the road.
If you're feeling this strongly about "guy" versus your FI, you can't ignore those feelings...they will end up eating you alive!
Please do yourself, "guy", and FI a favor by avoiding meetings with "guy" until you decide. I completely understand your feelings, but I don't condone any form of cheating (emotional or physical). Good luck!
I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I don't think you should be with anyone right now. My advice would be to have a real heart to heart with your FI. He may also think/suspect that things aren't totally right between the two of you. And if he doesn't, I do think you owe it to him to be honest.
As for the other guy, I think you sound too confused (understandably) to be dating anyone right now. I think you should take some time and allow yourself to do some real soul searching. Maybe this new guy is right for you, maybe you're just looking towards him b/c you're scared of marrying your FI, who knows. If this new guy really is the one, he'll understand. He knows you have a FI, so he should realize that this isn't going to be easy - no matter what happens.
Thank you to everyone who responded! Your words have helped soothe me some. I have turned this over and over in my mind, obsessively. I wouldn't leave FI solely for the purpose of being with this other guy because that puts too much pressure and expectation on him and on the situation. And I do know that the grass isn't necessarily greener. I think that's a huge aspect of this confict for me - to me, FI is very green grass and it is hard for me to conceptualize that someone else may be green grass as well. Granted, this interlude is only less than two months old so it is too early to say if the qualities I see in the other guy are as great as they seem to be at this point in time. I have no excuses for what I have done. I schedule an appointment with a marriage and family therapist for next Wednesday and hope that, along with the great advice I get on WB, she will be able to provide me with further direction. I will keep you posted and, again, thank you so very very much for the help! Truly.
I'd say dump them both and seek counseling for yourself. It's awfully hard to change patterns you see in yourself when you're accommodating another person as well, and there's something obviously unhealthy here. Initial chemistry is not what makes a relationship, and whatever is thwarting you in your current relationship will thwart you in your next if it's something you learned from watching your parents. Fix yourself first. Deal with finding your life partner after.
I’m sorry you’re having such conflicting feelings during what should be a very happy time for you and your FI.
I think the first thing you need to do is to put the wedding planning on hold for a while. There is no point going forward with something you are so obviously unsure about. And it isn’t fair to either yourself or your FI to go ahead with a marriage that you don’t have faith in.
Second, I think you need to attend some counseling to try to come to terms with your distrust of the institution of marriage. From your post it sounds like your parent’s relationship really affected you and your views on marriage as a whole. Maybe working through them would benefit how you approach your relationships.
Third, I think you need to do some deep introspection about what you really want out of your life and your partner. Maybe there is some emotional or physical need you have that your FI isn’t fulfilling. Maybe it can be resolved with more communication with your FI. Or maybe it is something that your FI can’t provide and you might be better off looking for someone else that can. But ultimately it is something that you need to explore for yourself. Beating yourself up emotionally isn’t going to change the situation.
Finally, have your expressed these concerns to your FI? Does he know that you feel this way or has he ever noticed that you aren’t that excited about your upcoming marriage? I think you need to have some honest communication with him. As your partner, he deserves to know what you are feeling and not be blindsided if you decide to call off the wedding entirely. If you decide to try to work through your relationship, maybe some couples counseling with either a professional or a person of your faith might help you both to learn to communicate and fulfill each other needs better.
Good luck!
@Mizerable: I would take time and get away from them both. A man who is still pursuing you while he knows you have a FI is a douche bag. I'm sorry to say it, but if he doesn't respect your relationship, he doesn't respect you.
I would take some time alone and figure out what you want in a partner and what you want out of life. I would not jump from one relationship to another and I would not enter a relationship with a man who says that he hopes I leave my FI.
Truly evaluate the relationship you're in- can you see yourself being happy with a future with your FI? Are you compatible? enjoy the same things, etc? Normally when we allow ourselves to cross the line with someone new, it's because our needs arent being met in our current relationship- we arent feeling appreciated, he isn't being affectionate enough or complimenting you, or meeting your needs in other ways.
I was in a similar situation to yours not so long ago. A guy swept me off my feet by flirting with me, flattering me, and making me feel like i was his fantasy girl. we became fb friends and started chatting daily...then texting, then meeting in person. He made me feel like a million bucks.
But it was an illusion!! he wasnt what i thought he was. I couldnt see straight for months and i was torn like you are. FI found out...we went to therapy and have been on a long road of recovery since.
Looking back...it was a huge mistake on my part for letting this guy get too close to me and coming between me and my FI--who at the time was being a little neglectful.
Just take it slow...back away from new guy and reevaluate your current relationship before doing anything drastic.
And I have to add that I agree with the bees that say to distance yourself from the new guy for a while. If he’s really “the one” he will be okay waiting for you while you figure yourself out. I don’t think that you can successfully build a new relationship on the ruined foundation of your past one.
And if you get to the point where you are really cheating on your FI (I think emotional cheating is cheating also, but that a whole different topic), you will just be bringing in doubt to your new relationship. If you would you comfortable cheating on your current FI, the new guy will always wonder if you would do the same to him.
Figure yourself out first. Worry about the guy later.
Nthing that you're not a bad person. Maybe I'm biased because your post reminded me so much of myself at one time. It's a bit embarrassing to admit this publicly, but my heart goes out to you so much. I want you to know that you're not alone.
The first time I saw my FI, I was in a long term relationship with another guy. Just like you, it seemed like a pretty good relationship but there was something missing. The first moment I laid eyes on FI, my life changed. It was exactly like you described. My heart stopped. I was inexplicably drawn to him. Everything in my being was telling me I should be with him. This had never, ever happened to me before.
But my rational brain told me, "You're being an idiot. You don't know anything about him, he's probably a jerk anyway. A really good-looking jerk, but a jerk nonetheless." I tried talking more to my bf, to stoke up the flames again, but it was no good. FI was not a jerk, but an amazing person. Day and night, FI was the only one I could think about. I cried too. I felt like the scum of the earth, and I agonized over what to do with myself. It didn't help that FI was drawn to me also and we had to see each other every day. Same as you, we talked, started seeing each other, and then fell head over heels in love. We tried quitting each other, but it didn't work.
Eventually I realized that if I felt this way for another man, there was no going back to my relationship. What's done is done. Even if it might turn out that FI is not the one for me, it was obvious that my bf was definitely not the one for me. So the decision was clear. Down one path lay certain disaster (with my bf), and down the other path lay uncertainty. I chose uncertainty. Breaking up with my bf was really hard. I felt like a monster. I had moments of panic where I thought, "What have I done? He loves me and I've just thrown it all away." But I knew that I would end up with a lifetime of regret if I made the safe choice.
Four years later, every day that I've known FI I've fallen more and more in love with him, and every day I'm more and more certain that he's the only one for me. Maybe we won't last forever either. No one can know that for sure. All I know is, I don't regret a thing about my decision. There's no more feeling that something is missing. I can't wait to marry FI and journey through life with him.
Here's my advice to you. You need to look deep within yourself and figure out if you can ever be happy again with your FI, never knowing what could have been with this other man or any other. If you can be happy without passion. A professional counsellor or therapist can help you a lot with this. If the answer is no, if you would always find your thoughts wandering to him, if he would always be a ghost in your relationship, then for your sake and your FI's sake, break off the engagement. You both deserve happiness, and this is not the way.
If you do decide to break things off with your FI, do it as kindly as possible. NEVER, EVER tell him that there was someone else. That will only hurt him so much more. And then give yourself time to grieve your old relationship and heal before you start a new one with this other man. Even though you're the one deciding to end it, you still need that time to recover and sort out your all of your doubts and issues. Only then should you think about starting a new relationship with anyone.
Best of luck to you, and keep us updated. Just remember that you're not alone, and you're not a bad person. The best you can do is be true to your heart.
I really agree with @Miss Tattoo: that its not a good sign that he is still Seeing/pursuing you knowing that you are engaged and not really respecting your relationship. The reality is you need to stop and think this through and make a decision of which ONE you want to be with. You dont have to stay with your FI just because you are engaged, no point marrying a man that you arent sure about, but beware that they say "you never know what you've got til its gone" Just think it through very hard and make the right decision because this is one of those things that will be hard to go back on
I am very, very sorry you are going through this. I understand the pain of being so conflicted. I've been there, minus the other guy in the picture.
First, you owe it to your FI, your best friend, to be honest about your concerns. You may not need to acknowledge the other guy yet... just focus on you and him. Really understand what issues are YOUR issues (fear of commitment, fear of divorce, etc) and what issues are the relationships (lack of passion, etc). And be realistic about yourself and relationships... passion can fade, and you have a great guy. Just slow everything down. Take the time you need.
As others have said, be sure to seek out counseling for yourself. Couples counseling can help to make sure you both are on the same page about marriage, but if you are not working towards that goal, it may be a futile attempt. Having an outsider's opinion may put everything into perspective for you. Also check out ConsciousWeddings.com and ConsciousTransitions.com. It might validate some of your feelings.
As far as the other man, perhaps he is the guy for you, but out of love and respect for your current FI, you need to deal with this first before you pursue anything else. Pray, journal, talk to those you trust, listen to your heart and follow your gut.
I am with Miss Tatoo and bells, I would leave both. You lack passion with you FI and the new guy has a total disrespect for a committed relationship. I always feel that men that go after women in relationship have something desperately wrong with them. Take time to go to counseling and really find out what you want and need in a partner and then you can start looking again. Good Luck!
oh and i have to add: read "not just friends"...best book i read to put everything into perspective
There HAS to be a reason why you decided to date this other man. You need to look long and hard at what the reason is. Was it the excitement of catching another man's eye/fancy? Was it the thrill of doing something you shouldn't do? Is it because you felt you were settling with your FI and wondered what else was out there?
Until you figure out what the trigger for seeing this guy was to begin with, you won't solve any problems.
I wish you luck. Only you know what is best for you.
@MissTattoo: You do make a good point about someone who would get involved with someone who was currently in a relationship. Right now I cannot see the forest from the trees so while I would like to think that this other guy isn't at heart the disrespectful type for pursuing me, I cannot know that for sure. Also, if I do end up terminating my relationship with FI (or if he leaves me) then I will take time for myself to really look into why I did what I did. I would not jump straight into a full-blown relationship with the other guy. He and I have actually already discussed this scenario.
@Jayce: Thank you for sharing your story! Indeed it does sound very, very much like mine. Two months ago if someone had told me that I would be in this situation, I would have laughed. Like you, I did not set out to meet someone. While I wasn't stoked to be getting married, I accepted it and realized that I was lucky to have someone as loving as FI. (He truly does treat me like a queen, which just adds to my self-loathing.) A question for you, though. Did you doubt your current FI's sincerity since he pursued you while you were in a relationship with someone? I'm just curious based upon the point that Miss Tattoo made, which is certainly valid.
I do think my parent's marriage has contributed to this. I remember hearing the garage door open at 3 in the morning, my dad returing from a late night at "work". I remember coming downstairs when I was 15 and seeing my mom crying, surrounded by credit card receipts from his "dates". There were at least 7 of these other women, that I know of. Yet, my mom stayed. Because of the money, I found out later. When I was 15, I vowed I would never let a guy cheat on me. Well, I have been cheated on. Several times. It sucks, of course. Never did I think I would do it, though. Not to someone I love. I also wonder if part of it is guilt in the sense that I don't feel I am worthy of my fiance, that I never have been. He is so good to me! And I try to be good back, but doubt if i I am. (This is pre-meeting other guy.) In addition, FI wants kids. I do not. We discussed this at length before we got engaged and again afterwards. I feel guilt for this, too, that I am keeping him from a dream of his. He has said time and time again that he is fine with it, but I wonder.
@Mizerable: Miss Tattoo does make a very good point. So to answer your question, of course we had doubts and concerns about the way our relationship started. I can assure you that it was not an issue that we simply swept under the rug and tried to forget about. It was the subject of many conversations, believe me.
In hindsight, should we have done some things differently? Yes, of course. But as two flawed human beings, we did the the best we could with what we knew at the time and hoped it would all turn out. Four amazing years later, all that matters is that we love each other more than anything. So while I would change some of the things we did to get here, I don't regret making the choice to take this journey with him. Not one bit.
I don't want to defend my FI or our relationship. I don't feel I need to. I know we're solid. I know he respects me. But I would like it clarify that it wasn't all fun and games for FI either. He wasn't a douchebag who was messing with my relationship for shits and giggles. The way things started for us, it hurt him too. At the beginning, I was so confused and in so much turmoil, and he suffered alongside me. He also got the added "fun" of worrying that I would break his heart anyway, but he was willing to take that risk. So of course he hoped I would end it with my bf and be with him instead. Otherwise, what would be the point? But he never put any pressure on me to make a decision. I never questioned his sincerity. Not after seeing what he went through too.
I'm guessing you'll be just as confused for a while yet, which is why I recommended that you take some time to get all your thoughts clear before you jump into the new relationship with him. That's one of the things that I would have done differently.
I don't expect everyone else to understand what it was like for me and FI. We didn't know either, until it actually happened to us. People can say or think what they like about it, it doesn't affect how we feel about our relationship. Believe me, anything anyone could say to us, we've already said it or worse to ourselves. And maybe that's hard to swallow for people who don't know anything else about us, but for our friends and family who have known us as a couple for so long, all the "scandalousness" is ancient history. We've been through so much together since then, that stuff has no relevance anymore.
@jayce: Thank you for writing again. I do need to get my head clear and figure out what is the best course for me. You and the other bees are absolutely right about that. The other guy and I have discussed much of what you seem to have gone through with your now-FI. He is afraid his heart will be broken, that I will decided to stay with my FI and try to work things out, but he is willing to take that risk. We have also discussed that IF we did end up together one day, how the manner in which the relationship began would or would not affect that. I don't believe you need to defend your relationship to anyone. It is your relationship. It is impossible for anyone outside of a situation to fully understand the complexities and intricacies of another's relationship. I am happy to know that you found true happiness with your FI, even if it didn't begin under "ideal" circumstances. I know people may judge me for what I have done and that is okay. I did commit a betrayal. I am currently living with a secret. I wish there were some way for me to fix this without hurting anyone, but that is impossible. I made a choice to do what I did, it wasn't an accident, and I will have to deal with things as they come.
I'll keep all the bees posted and, sincerely, ladies thank you SO MUCH for your help!
I grew up in similar circumstances where my dad was not a good man and my mom couldn't support herself on her own. I think everyone has those moments of being magnetically attracted to someone else. My psychology professor always used to tell us that the average person falls in love at least twice AFTER being married. Infatuation and physical magnetism happens even more frequently.
The key is being emotionally mature enough to recognize the feelings, acknowledge them and then dismiss them. For an emotionally integrated person these feelings never really pose a threat to a committed relationship, it's just a part of life. They are able to take the necessary steps to keep their bio-chemistry (which is not under your control) from affecting their commitments to others (which IS under your control). My dad was never able to figure that part out.
All you have to do to resolve this is to remember what the cheating did to your mom. Yes, you should have stopped this sooner "when you had the chance" but really you do still have the chance. You can choose to break up with your FI, or break up with this other man, but I don't think you should wait too long to choose.
It could be that this man is filling a hole in your relationship with your FI and his success indicates that FI is not the one for you. But it just as easily could be the case that your experience with your parents has made you so ambivalent about marriage that your subconscious was just looking for an excuse to escape from making the impending commitment. If it wasn't him it would be somebody/something else.
Your post makes you sound like you are in so much pain :( I hope the therapist will be able to help you clarify things. I wish there was some button somewhere to fix impossible stuff :(
Somewhere on the 'bee I read that marriage is a choice. It was a very eloquent post and I wish I had the link to the thread. I'm seriously paraphrasing here but the poster had said that marriage is a choice; we choose to love our fiances/husbands. We choose them to be "the one". And we vow to forsake all others. Marriage doesn't mean that we magically never have feelings for another person. Marriage doesn't automatically blind you and ensure you never find another person attractive. Marriage doesn't make your relationship flawless. Marriage is a choice to love another for better, for worse, in good times and in bad, as long as you both shall live.
It sounds like you need to make your choice and I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm very glad you're seeing a therapist; you are very brave for facing your emotions head-on.
Sending a lot of hugs your way. Please take care of yourself, maybe a bubble bath or some tea, to ease the stress a little.
I have been in this very situation. I spent five years (two engaged) with my first love and, at the time, my best friend. We never had that passion, that spark, but there was love... and never any real "reason" to leave, either. Then I met my reason. A man I was attracted to on so many levels, one that I felt passionate with in EVERY aspect. In the bedroom, in conversation, in everything. And you know what? He taught me that passion itself does not create a lasting, loving relationship. He had all of the things that were missing with my first love.... but that didn't make him the right choice.
I really think you need to step back from BOTH of them. If new guy really cares about you, he'll wait when you're ready to date. And if you really care about old guy, just think about how much more it will break his heart if you "start" dating someone new the day after you call things off. Take some time to figure out "you," and the rest will fall into place.
I have heard of this happening to many people. Some have chosen to stay with the guy they were with and ended up being happy, some left to be with the other guy and ended up happy, and some left and ended up not being with either one and...sort of happy. I know those aren't the only endings but those are the ones I know about from actual surcomstances.
I had a friend (J) who was dating another friend of mine (A). When my FI broke up with me I was devistated! J sat there and comforted me like a friend would. The only contact between us was him rubbing my back to try and help me relax. After awhile of being single again J and I were spending a lot of time together and eventually started talking about if we got together. I told him the A would be upset and I couldn't do that to her because she was, and still is, my friend. I can't hurt someone like that. J eventually said he was in love with me and couldn't see himself with anyone else but since I loved him as a friend more than anything else and still wanted to be with my FI he broke up with A and has stopped talking to both of us. To this day neither A nor my FI know about us almost hooking up or why J broke up with A. J and I made an agreement to never tell A about it because it would hurt her to bad. I have been living with this secret for almost 2 years now. I don't think about it much though it does occasionally come to mind and make me wonder if we did the right thing by not telling A but knowing how emotional she is I know she couldn't handle hearing it. My FI and I got together shortly after I told J that there was no way I could be with him. My FI has been my only true love though J and I had something special that we just didn't take further. Maybe J and I were supposed to be together but neither of us were willing to risk our friends life over it. A almost killed herself when he broke up with her because of her being possesive so we didn't want to risk her actually going threw with it because of a mistake. Other than J and my FI, I have never felt anything for another guy other than friendship.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Pretty much everything I would say has already been said but I just wanted to say that this does NOT make you a bad person, and I wish you the best of luck in making your decision. "HUGS"
Happy Thanksgiving to all you wonderful Bees! Thank you again (I cannot say that enough) for your advice, your support, your sympathy, and your personal stories. It means so very much and it has helped me to not feel so completely alone in this. Besides on WB, I haven't shared what has been going on with anyone. I will tell all to my therapist next week, but I have basically been going through the motions of acting normal while concealing this inner torment. It is exhausting, to put it lightly.
@Marureen9004: You may be right. I may not be ready for a relationship. I think there are a lot of demons in my past - some born from my parents marriage, some not - that I need to confront and deal with before I can truly have a healthy relationship with anyone. There is that saying that says something along the lines of it is difficult to love someone else truly and purely if you cannot love yourself first.
@kelmac; @bride21; @youhavemyheart; @Magdalena and everyone else!: Thank you all! I need to deal with this, look for the reasons behind it, and take responsibitility for my actions. Thank you for your support. It is amazing and touching how, amongst a group of virtual (literally and figuratively speaking) strangers, we can find such kindness, support, and truth. =)
Hi. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. I actually do NOT think you have a tough decision, though I think the consequences of your decision will be tough. I think you know what you have to do, and that is to break it off with your fiance. I had to reread your post to see if everything was wine and roses before the other guy came into the picture, but it was not. There are lots of great, "green grass" guys out there but that doesn't mean it's the guy for you. I am also persuaded by the insight you have about repeating a pattern of your father's, though I think you may discover that you are not necessarily doing that, and if you are, you are on the road to a 'recovery' of sorts because you recognize you have issues in that regard. That you will have to suffer some loss, including the loss of the closeness/friendship with FI's family, sorry girl, that's a reality you'll have to face. That you'll have to endure the not-knowing whether this new guy is the right one or whether that relationship will last, sorry there too -- it's a chance you'll have to take. But sounds like you're ready to take a chance on yourself, too, which is huge and to be highly, highly commended. Bravo to you. Do what you have to do, and congrats on seeking counselling.
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Hello bees. First off, I wish to make a request. What I am writing about is of a very sensitive nature and I debated even posting for a few days because of this. I know some people may feel negatively toward me and may wish to even say some harsh things. My request is for people to please refrain from doing so. As you can tell by the name under which I am posting, I am already miserable. I do not need people telling me how horrible a person I am as I already feel that way. I am posting because I am looking for advice and maybe a sympathetic ear from someone who may have gone through something similar. Thank you. Okay... here goes:
My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He is wonderful. Caring, funny, attentive, loving, honest, everything that we all love in our fiances. He is my best friend in the sense that I have always been able to tell him anything and enjoy spending as much time with him as I can. We have been engaged since June. I guess in hindsight my first concern arose when he proposed. I did not feel excited. I did not cry. I felt happy, I suppose, but at the same time rather numb. In the ensuing months, I still have not become excited at the prospect of getting married. Maybe that is in part because I haven't had much faith in marriage on account of the horrible example my parents set for me. (My father cheated many times on my mother. She stayed with him because of the money he made. Sad on both accounts.) Anyway, I surmised that my lack of enthusiasm for getting married was based on my own skewed perceptions of what marriage seemed to be. However, it still bothered me that I could not get excited. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. We went ahead and put down the deposits on our venue, photographer, and entertainment. That's as far as we've gotten thus far.
One other thing I should say about my relationship with my fiance because it is a factor in this story: I never felt much passion with him. Even in the beginning, I felt more like I was with a best friend, one whom I loved of course and was attracted to, but there was never that "oh-my-God-I-want-to-jump-you" passion. I know that passion like that is not crucial for a good relationship nor is it usually sustainable over time, but I always felt a little bit of a void in that regard. I enjoy sex with him, but it's often... boring. (God, that sounds awful!) But FI has all these other qualities that I value so much in a man so I let it go, and no relationship is perfect.
Last month I met someone. I wasn't looking to meet someone. I was happy in my relationship despite the few very minor setbacks. I was at an event and I noticed this man. This may sound pathetic but it was one of those instances when time stops. All I saw was him. My heartrate sped up. I was just inexplicably, forcefully drawn to him. But I didn't do anything. I told myself I was stupid for being so attracted to some stranger. (Let me note here that I have NEVER been tempted to cheat on my fiance, nor had I been attracted to someone else. Ever. Not in the whole course of our relationship until this day.) To make a long story short, at the end of the event he approached me. I didn't know he even noticed me, but he had. We talked briefly. The next day he found me on Facebook. He knew from that first day that I have a fiance. We started talking. Then we started seeing each other. And now I fear I am in love with one man (FI) and falling for another. Yes it has only been a month and a half but this other person also possesses all the wonderful qualities my fiance does. But with him I also have that passion. He hasn't asked me to leave FI, but he hopes that one day I will. He doesn't put pressure on me to do so and knows that there is a good chance he will lose out in the end and I will marry FI.
Bees, I don't know what to do! I am crying as I write this. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I feel like I am exactly like my father. I hate myself and keep asking myself HOW I let this happen. WHY didn't I stop it when I had the chance. Now, I see I have four options: 1) End things with the other guy. This is obviously the right thing to do. However, there is a part of me that thinks (and please don't lash out at me for saying this) that MAYBE I am more compatible with him than with FI. 2) Tell FI the truth and end our relationship. I say end it because I know FI would never forgive me for my betrayal. I couldn't blame him. This will cause a lot of damage because I am very close with his family. They have taken me in and I do love all of them. FI would be crushed and his family will rightfully despise me. I am FI's first love. (He is 7 years younger than me.) 3) End things with the other guy and hope FI never finds out. This would mean living with this secret for the rest of our lives. Ugh. 4) Leave FI and hope things with the other guy work out.
I am so lost. I cry in the shower because it is the only place I can do it in private. I am going to see a therapist to help me work this issue out. I hate myself for getting myself in this situation. I hate myself for doing this to my wonderful FI. Please, please, if anyone can relate or has anything constructive to say, do so!