- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
Good morning bees,
I have to report that the last few weeks I have seen a major improvement with stepdaughter and with FI in regards to her behavior. We went to the psychiatrist office and he recommended a psychologist who specializes in children. We met with her after she did the initial interview with my future stepdaughter. Again stepdaughter pulled the everyone hates me, everyone blames me, no one loves me routine and how everyone was just being mean to her.
Psychologist then spoke with us and I was brutally honest about her behavior. FI at first wanted to gloss over it and seem like it was just kid stuff and not really a big deal. However psychologist now wants to see her at least once a week for 2 hours a week. She was also very concerned that FI was enabling her behavior by downplaying it all.
She has now seen her twice. Psychologist along with FI and I sat down with her and gave her a definitive set of rules and consequences that will be in place to curb some of the more impulsive behavior like lying and getting other kids into trouble. Psychologist is going to begin by working through her issues with her mother abandoning her. Also FI is not to deviate from the prescribed rules and consequences.
Psychologist also explained that FI’s behavior towards her when she is doing wrong is causing resentment with the other children. All of the children have seen her as part of stepdaughters therapy. The children were asked about their feelings toward each other and not solely about stepdaughter who was causing the issue.
Also the psychologist wanted me to be more involved with her discipline. She believed that because FI wasnt allowing me to take part in any discussions that future stepdaughter didnt have any respect for me and that again enabled her behavior.
The rules and consequences are outlined very clearly. In order to promote understanding with the other children, if a problem arises then each child will be questioned seperately and if step daughter is the cause then she knows she will receive a consequence. If she lies there will be a seperate consequence for that as well.
The idea is to curb her behavior through consequences that are unpleasant enough that she will stop doing them.
The consequences are as follows.
If she gets others into trouble by lying she has to write a 5 page essay about why she felt the need to do it, and each week the essays if she has to write them will be given to the psychologist to read. Insight.
If she throws a tantrum and becomes hysterical, we are not to be drawn in. We are to place her in a quiet room with no distractions. No toys, no games, no television. Advise her that when she calms down then we will listen to what she has to say.
She must each morning spend a few minutes reviewing a board with what is expected of her.
The board reads as follows.
I will work to be kind to others.
I will listen when I am spoken too. If I need a few minutes to understand I can ask for help.
If I have a problem with my brothers or sisters, Im to go to my dad and ***** to ask for help.
Lying will not be tolerated and I will write an essay if I do lie.
She also has to re read the rules in the afternoon and in the evening.
There is also a reward board. I dont necessarily agree with this because we arent rewarding the good behavior of the rest of the children, except by doing a family day where they decide a reward, but the psychologist recommended this.
Stepdaughter is allowed to pick one reward for herself at the end of each month for the next three months.
At the end of each day we will put 5 marbles in a jar if she has had a good day. If she fills the jar up at the end of the month she will be given her reward. Its conditional that she is not allowed to use the reward as a way to hurt her brother and sisters by throwing it in their face. The whole family will have a family day to celebrate our family.
The goal is that at the end of three months we can cut this reward system back to smaller rewards and then down to nothing as time passes and that good behavior is expected regardless of a reward.
I have taken a bigger role in her management and FI now backs me up in the rewards and consequences.
Thanks bees for all the advice. It was very helpful