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Well, I have been emotionally exiled again.
"Not as bad" as last time, because he came to bed. But didn't kiss me good night. Wouldn't hold me, told me to get off him when I tried to hold him/touch him.
Why? What happened? Some big fight over something stupid...in the end, he blamed me for causing it to escalate, although he also lost his temper...and the end result was that he told me his head's telling him to "get the F out of this relationship" and his heart is telling him to "have faith" and marry me.
I'm meeting with a counselor on my own in 2 days, to help ME deal with/talk through what is going on right now. Not because I think I'm the only one with issues--he is good and angry, particularly (I believe) at women.
I wanted to marry him, but I cannot be treated like this for the rest of my life. I don't know what's going to happen.
For the record---I am a catch, dammit. Before I met FI, I literally had guys lined up--GOOD guys, decent, kindhearted guys--to spend time with me. So many I couldn't keep track. I'm attractive and smart and funny and loving. Maybe I thought all those character traits were enough to teach this man to love--this 36-year-old 5'4" hairy, chubby guy who can't stand his emotionally blackmailing/hoarding mother or alcoholic father, who has never had a serious girlfriend or been in love, and who lived 4 "bitter years" because no girl was ever interested in him. I really think he is just self-righteously in love with himself and has no room in his hardened heart to really love another person.
Because he does THIS to with the first girl who actually loves him.
It makes no sense. Does this need to be on another board?
I feel like I've wasted the past 2 years of my life.
This sucks. 
Girlfriend, after this post .... I can say that I would be out finding strapping young lads to sweep me off my feet if i were you!
Too bad I really don't want to give up, wanted the happy times we've had, and really do love him. And too bad the reality is that this is going to take a loooonnng time to get over, and I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself after this. I don't have a Plan B. Yet.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this mess again, so soon after "resolving" the last one. Maybe you should think about moving out for awhile, to give each other some breathing room, and to let you decide what you feel is an acceptable way to be treated, and what isn't. There's nothing wrong with thinking long and hard about issues that are non-negotiable before making a life long commitment. We all have your back and are here to support you. Hugs.
@ joygirl- sending you hugs. I don't think you should be dealing with this. I've kept up with your posts and it seems as though you're begging him to love you. You seem like a sweet person who in no way deserves to be treated so poorly. If this is how he is treating you now what's it going to be like after you're married? Maybe this is your time to reflect on that because things will be much more complicated to get out of once you're married. I know it's been two years and you don't want to let that go. That's a tough thing to do but, most importantly here is your well-being and happiness.
You have not wasted 2 years of your life, you have learned a lesson...be thankful you are figuring this out NOW. I'm glad you are going to counseling, even if it's on your own. Putting a ring on his finger will not change anything about him; you need to iron out all the wrinkles out BEFORE you get married- it's much harder after the fact.
Please don't look at it as wasting your time!!
I echo what's been said before. I just wanted to send you extra hugs.
ETA: I especially echo what was just said...this has NOT been a waste of your time! If after the careful soul searching and thought you're obviously putting into this you decide to end the relationship, it will be because it's broken. And that's not to say that he isn't a good guy. I'm sure he is, you just may not be good together. I echo what another poster said, that you seem to be begging him to love you and as you so (thankfully!) mentioned, YOU'RE AWESOME. You shouldn't have to.
So I've been reading thru some of your other postings & I highly suggest pre-maritial counseling. I'm really glad you're going to a counselor soon, even if it is on your own. Is the person a family or marriage counselor? That'd probly be your best option.
He says you are his #1 priority, so I would think if you say premaritial counseling is important to you, he'd be willing to go. I know it sounds kinda wierd to him, but its preparing you for times like this, when he gets mad & shuts you out of his life. When you're married, you CAN'T do that to each other or you'll both be really unhappy. I'm really sorry you're goin thru this :(.
You say that you're happy when things are good... but when things are bad he really treats you horribly. No matter what you did, it doesn't give him the right to treat you like that, IMO. When you're close to someone, you see them at their best & at their worst, but the worst isn't gonna just "dissappear" once you get married. You're accepting him as a whole, not just parts of his personality... I'm sure you know that... but consider this, if he treated you like this every time he was unhappy, would you want to live with him forever? I'm not trying to discourage you! To me, it sounds like there's stuff that needs to be worked out before you guys get married. I hope he goes with you & that you're doing ok with all this.
while marriage and relationships are hard work, LOVING someone shouldnt be. It seems like you are way more invested in this that he is.
good you are going to counselling, but realize that no matter what, the past few years are only a waste of time if you learn nothing from it. so no matter what you decide to do, realize that people change but often in ways you dont want them to, so if you are waiting for him to be someone he no longer is, you might be waiting a long time....
much love to you and i sincerely hope you find happiness!!!
Aww sweetie I cant even imagine how you are feeling right now. I cant offer any other advice than the ladies before me but I can offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on if need be. I can say I think its great your getting counseling.. a professional outside view that can tell you how they feel. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to vent and dont feel like publicly doing it.. I had a similar situation with my ex of 4 years..
Also, I echo what the others said before me, you did NOT waste 2 years!! You will have learned SOOO much about yourself & what qualities/traits to look for in others (& which to avoid).
You did NOT waste those years, you poured your heart into something you thought was good but are finding its not the best. Nothing you do is a waste; you're learning & growing from it to find the BEST for you.
I'm so sorry this is happening. Good for you for going to counseling and taking care of yourself.
I had two long term relationships before meeting my FI - one of them was an engagement too. Ending both was hard, because of the good times, because of time spent. I would say it took me atleast 6 months in each relationship of knowing deep inside that it was over and being unable to let go before I was ready to go through with the breakups. It was agonizing and I kept looking for ways that I could make it better because he was great. Because we were great. Because there were still moments that were awesome. Whatever the reason of the day was that made me not want to give in. But finally, I did. And it was hard. And oh so freeing. And it sucked. And it was the best thing ever.
But just know that you can love and learn and move on and find something and someone so amazing it will blow your mind every.single.day.
Learn from this, either to be better for yourself and each other in this relationship, or the next one. Whatever you decide to do, we are all here for you.
*hugs* I've been reading your posts over time (even if i've not always had anything to add to the conversations) and I am sorry you've been going through this! It sounds like he's already left the relationship emotionally and he's well on his way to physically leaving as well. I'd start packing, searching for alternative housing arrangements, and working on your Plan B. Feel free to lean on the hive! That's part of what we're here for!
As for "wasting" 2 years- you certainly did not! I was once in a relationship where I loved the man and felt he was "the one." Well, he left me for the woman he'd been having an affair with before he met me (she'd been married 10 years and had a child!). I thought I'd wasted the nearly 2 years I'd been with him. That his love was a sham and I was the fool for believing it ever existed. But you know what? I learned SO much about myself, about other people, and most importantly, about what NOT to put up with in relationships. It taught me to speak up for myself and where I stood in relationships. It taught me that just because HE didn't want me, didn't mean that there wasn't a line of people waiting to meet me and fall in love with me. I learned so much about myself, without which I never would have become the woman my FI met, fell in love with, and wants to marry. I wouldn't call your 2 years wasted- I'd call them an investment in your personal character development. From a Jewish perspective (since that's a class I had this morning!) I would say this is what builds a strong person- adversity, hurdles, stumbles, and hard lessons learned (if you're interested, that's from Ethics of Our Fathers- Who is Strong?).
Whatever happens, good luck! *hugs*
Bottom line: I deserve to be with someone who can't bear to see me hurt, not someone who can't care when he sees me hurt. And I think I'm figuring out which of those two I've been engaged to.
:( Wishing you lots of luck in however you feel is the best way to move forward. I think know you deserve to be happy and treated well and if you're not feeling that way for a prolonged period of time as a direct result of his behavior---maybe you have a lot of reconsidering to do. No matter what--you sound super strong and that's commendable.
I absolutely 100% agree with you, you DO deserve to be treated well!! I'm glad you're being so strong in this! Anyone who treats you badly doesn't deserve you. Feel free to PM me if you want/need to vent/talk, I can be a good listener.
I know how hard it is to feel like you wasted two years in a dead end relationship. But to paraphrase Dr. Phil, "The only thing worse than wasting two years is wasting two years and a day" on a guy who doesn't appreciate you, love you or treat you with respect. I've been there, and I am profoundly grateful that I went through the temporary pain of being alone and ending an engagement so that I could find a wonderful husband who appreciates me.
Unfortunately I still "want it to work."
But my focus right now is to take care of MYSELF. My heart is guarded and I'm not going to bend over backwards for him anymore. I'm going to do what I need to do for me, and we'll see what he does.
After being very cold and hurtful Sunday night, last night he was sweet, in his own way--not verbally, but nice in his "moving on and letting it go" kind of way. I was kind of aloof. I didn't get emotional, but when he asked "How was your day?" I truthfully told him it was very hard being treated badly by him. He said "I'm sorry," but not with sincerity or kindness. I was like, "Hey, you asked. And I don't lie."
I cannot make him care. If he is capable of caring, it will be something he does on his own. I would love to see that happen, but it's not my job. My job is to care for me. He's invited to join me, but I can't drag him there.
joygirl,
after reading several of your posts, I just want you to hear this...
I understanding wanting to make it work. I do. Because I wanted to make things work with my ex. It was peaks and valleys all along the ride - but the thing was the the peaks never lasted, and the valleys kept getting deeper, because he got comfortable treating me like crap.
But I kept saying that I was committed and that if we were married I couldn't just walk away, so since I was planning to marry this man, didn't he deserve that much commitment?
We struggled to make it work for the majority of the 3 1/2 years we were together (most of that time we talked marriage, but I was in college the first 3 years so the plan was always to wait until I graduated, and by then things were too rocky to seriously consider rushing into marriage - although I was living with him).
The thing is that as long as you're there with him, in my experience, the harder it is to leave. Being wrapped up in him and in your relationship will never give you enough distance to see things clearly.
No one but you and your fiance can decide where your relationship will ultimately go, or whether it will end, but I do think space and time can help you think very clearly about it. Take some time away from him. More than just a weekend - prolonged time. It can help, even though it hurts to walk away.
It helps give you a clear perspective, but it also makes your fiance remember why he wants you around.
*sits with plane tickets in hand..* take the tickets and run! girl get outta there... hard, but doable. Sometimes its better to walk away.
My reasoning in life is that people are in your life for certain periods, either to be there for the good or bad, to make you laugh or cry.. to teach you certain things, or just to be there for that moment.. forever or 5 minutes. Its hard to let go, but remember, its not too hard to follow the light at the end of tunnel either!
Have you read The Five Love Languages? I think that it would really help you and your fiance. It could be that you and your FI just have different ways of speaking the language of love. I just finished it last night. I'm not yet engaged, but my boyfriend and I are reading it because we've heard so many good things about it and really want to give our relationship everything we've got!
I pretty much echo everyone else. First things first though and that's that saying "i do" isn't going to make him change and as many women will tell you after marrying it's that a person will change after "it's forever". So if he's treating you less then you deserve to be treated now, I can only imagine how it's going to be in the future after the wedding. My fiance and I made a deal with each other years ago that we would never leave each other, go to bed, or hang up a phone while mad: End each day with "I Love You".
No relationship is perfect, but the fact that something "stupid" (your words) escalted into something huge worries me. I had friends who were lovely people apart, but they were just absolutely so toxic for each other. The fought all the time over the most ridiculous things. They were together 2yrs before they broke up and to be honest because of their toxic realtionship with each other they became toxic towards their friends. When this girl and guy started dating I was best friends with her, when it ended we were aquaintances, though we're now 2yrs AFTER they broke up finally getting into a friendship sort of place again. I'm so happy that you are recognizeing that you two have problems and that you're seeking counseling.
He is carrying baggage from his past though and frankly you can't move forward until he unloads it and forgives. My fiance had huge issues with the people who gave birth to him, the sperm donor was a dead beat who was never around, the woman who gave life to him got involved with a very bad guy who did drugs rapped his sister and beat the crap out of him. He was in serious relationships before that didn't work out because the girl slept with someone else, while on a date with him I might add. So really he had a lot going on. I finally told him that "we can't move foward until you get out of the past". And after many months of sorting himself out he was able too. He forgave his mom. He stopped thinking about his sperm donor, he stopped hating his mom's husband (though still leary of the guy for obvious reasons- but that guy is so guilty that when my fiance and i or his sister go to visit he's not around). Your fiance also needs to drop his baggage and forgive, it's a hefty load, that's for dang sure. He can't let his anger control all of his life and as long as your together consequently control yours too.
Best of luck
Don't settle. Maybe your SO needs some time alone to get his own life straight. Because right now I don't think he is being a very good significant other and I think he's being selfish by not acting as part of a team. EVERYBODY has their own baggage...but if you can't realize that and take care of it, it will poison your life if you wallow in it 24/7 instead of dealing with it.
Don't spend forever lamenting over the happy times you had in the beginning. Sometimes those are just pipe dreams we never get back. People change, grow up, their personalities adjust. And sometimes, that happiness is just puppy love and then reality hits. We all went through that phase of bliss but a long term relationship isn't like that 24/7. You have to take the bad with the good.
I'm of the belief that if somebody doesn't care when they hurt you, that person isn't worth my time and effort. It's just simply cold-hearted. You can't teach someone to love. You said, "I really think he is just self-righteously in love with himself and has no room in his hardened heart to really love another person."....i can't help but wonder why you're with him. That's a really big statement to say about someone you're ina relationship with. Enough that if I ever felt that way about a man, I'd walk away.You don't have to put up with his immature, emotionally exiling ridiculous behavior just because you put 2 years in. It's never ok to treat someone like that. Heck, when a dog misbehaves, you treat a dog like that for 30 minutes to teach him a lesson. Not somebody you supposedly love.
I was in a two year relationship with someone who just couldn't love and respect me. I desperately wanted him to, but he said and did many things that just proved he didn't. We broke up, which wasn't what I wanted, and the transition was tough for several months. But then I met my fiance and getting over the past relationship was suddenyl so easy - here was a person who loved me, wanted to be around me, wanted to know me.
You deserve to have someone who is happy to see you every day and doesn't make you "earn" his love and respect. You have to look after your own happiness too.
Hunny you've been going through too much with this man. You deserve better. You can find better, just let yourself. I wish you the best.
(((HUGSSSS)))
i know there isn't anything any of us could say or do that would really make any of this "better..." but i agree with the other bees... even though the future may look dark or feel like you don't have any other option... you need to look forward and for the change at REAL happiness, not the one where you have look back in time and say "what happened to those good times"...
keep your pretty head up, and stay strong... good for you for seeing someone during this rough time...
Ditto spaganya 100% - relationships take work, but he shouldn't have you in this position. He's being emotionally manipulative and abusive. Kudos for deciding to see a counselor, I think that will help you a lot. I really think that you need to assess his behavior and whether this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
One of the reasons I knew R was a keeper: when we were in our senior year of high school, we went through a rough patch and contemplated breaking up. We had a few knock-down, drag-out screaming matches. In a couple of them, he stormed off and slammed the door to go for a run, etc, in the middle of the fight.
That was just something I didn't want to have to deal with. Going to bed angry over little tiffs is one thing, but I didn't want to ever sit and hope he'd come back, or wonder why he wouldn't talk something out. So I basically said to him that if we were going to last, we had to learn how to fight in a way which suited us both. Now if we fight, which isn't all that often, we're much more civil and if one of us needs time to cool off, we reach an okay stopping point and leave on somewhat good terms. You deserve someone who will change their habits for you that same way.
Sorry you are going through this. You deserve to be loved. Relationship take work sometimes but love should come naturally. Some people never change even if you try really hard to help them. Really deep issues take years to deal with and you can't do it for him. The decision is yours in the end but if I was in that situation I would leave him. You didn't waste 2 years you've learned. My grandma said to me once : " Life brings to us the difficulties we can face" and I try to think about it everytime I feel like I can't take it anymore. Best of luck!
I 100% agree with the other ladies. Did you ever stop to realize that what he is doing is abuse? He is emotionally and mentally abusive to you. I'm sure you realize that this is an extremely unhealthy relationship.
Like some of the other ladies said, I understand wanting to make it work. I understand that you 2 have had good times together. But from what it sounds like, the good times are past. You need to take care of YOU. His issues are bigger than what you can help him with. He needs to go get counseling and deal with it on his own. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago. He did the exact things that you are describing. He blew up over small things and then blamed every fight on me. He shut me out physically and emotionally. He treated me like garbage. I almost feel like you are describing me when you were writing the OP. It was a very, very similar situation. We were together for 3 years before I realized that I needed to get out and take care of myself, that I deserved so much better than how he was treating me.
I dont really have any advice other than repeating what everyone else said, but just letting you know we are all listening and here for you! let us know what you decide. I know its hard, but this is your life and your future.
I'm SOOO glad MrsJellyBean pointed out that your FI has a lot of emotional baggage that HE needs to get past himself. He comes from an unsteady family and has issues because of it. Right now you both should be looking towards the future not focusing on whats in the past. MY FI had a rough childhood himself and it wasn't until he finally closed that chapter on his life and accepted it that he was able to move forward. The anger went away and he started loving and opening his heart.
I encourage you to seek counseling but beware that he might get defensive with thought. He has to work on his past when HE is ready as well. Don't push him too hard.
I'm so sorry you have to put up with this but trust me it will make you so much stronger. You will walk away from this experience stronger and happier in the end no matter what. Don't give up just yet but don't get married until this issue has been resolved.
We are all here for you as always. Chin up girl!
You haven't wasted the last 2 years, because you have been learning in those years. But now that you've learned this lesson, you would be wasting your time to stay---not to mention hurting your heart---because as you said, you can't change him, and I don't think you want to wait around banking on him changing.
We are all here for you---you are strong enough to get out this. Don't settle for one iota less than you deserve, which is a heck of a lot better than this.
I mean this with no disrespect as I know how this feels....but you're fitting a square peg into a round hole. The years are not "wasted"...you have learned what you want and what you don't. Nothing is wasted if you walk away having learned something. I know its easier said than done (Oh, I know!) but this sounds like a trend. Plus this will only get harder as time goes on.
Cut your loses and line up those prospects again! It sounds like you have a great heart and had some great guys - you CAN do it again :) Lots of hugs!
@joygirl: I can completely understand where you're coming from with not wanting to give up, or holding onto the good times.. I was in a four year relationship with my high school sweetheart and I really wanted to marry him.. I thought that I would be the one that he changed for, that if he loved me, then he would turn into that romantic guy who could commit fully to one woman.. The longer I was with him, though, the more I saw that it doesn't work that way.. We had so many good times, I have a lot of fond memories when I think back on our time together.. And it was hard, really hard, to remind myself of why I left him in the first place.. I won't get into the details, but a lot of things that were happening in my relationship were dealbreakers for me, and I finally realized that I didn't want to be treated that way for the rest of my life.. Yes, he could be sweet, and act caring, and tell me he'd change, but things would always go back to the way they were.. Sometimes the right thing to do isn't to stick it out and deal with everything he is doing to hurt you, but rather the right thing is to see that you deserve so much better, and I think you're on the right track with that.. You realize that you're attractive, and smart and funny and have a lot of love to give, and just keep telling yourself that the kind of person that deserves the best from you is someone who will give you their best as well.. And don't worry about a plan B.. Sometimes the greatest things in life happen when you don't have a plan, I've definitely come to learn that.. Just remember, sometimes it's not giving up, it's giving yourself a chance to find better, because you deserve it..
I like daydreamwanderers description about the peaks and valleys, because that's exactly what it is.. Every relationship has them, but if the valleys are lower than the peaks are high, then it's not a healthy relationship.. And you haven't wasted the last two years.. I don't feel like I wasted the four years I had with my ex.. It was a learning experience and I did take away some good memories, and I grew up in a lot of ways, and that's the way you should view it.. It's never a waste..
I gave your FI the benefit of the doubt after your earlier posts - if you remember, I thought that it was similar to a situation I had gone through with mine. However, the more I've read of your posts, the more red flags I've seen. I'm honestly scared for you right now, and I hope you act on the great advice you are getting from everyone here. You deserve better. The very fact that this is happening again so soon after the last fight/taking-a-break-period is disturbing.
He says that his head tells him not to marry you; it sounds like yours is telling you the same thing. Why don't you act on these thoughts? You haven't "wasted" the last two years, but I would say you're wasting time NOW, and you will certainly be wasting time if you proceed with this marriage as planned. Your happiness is out there waiting for you to find it. Hugs and best of luck!
Maybe he wants (on some level) for you to break up with him. That way he's not the "bad guy" and he can continue his internal women-are-bad-I'm-a-bitter-dude narrative. I can't even imagine how much it would hurt if my FI told me "his head is saying not to marry me." OMG. It seems like he's asking to be dumped, with the repeated freeze-outs and saying stuff like that. That he just tries to gloss over it the next day is so weird and dysfunctional.
It will be interesting to hear what a therapist has to say about the situation...
It seems like he's really walking all over you. You shouldn't feel like you have to win him back. He should want you no matter what. It's not right for him to keep threatening that he's going to leave or as he says "get the F outta this relationship." I say if he wants to leave let him leave. I know how hard it can be. I went through this with my FI @ about the 2 year mark. I'm going to try and share my story with you and hope it kinda helps.
I was like you. I had loved others before my FI. However; HE never did. I was his first everything. I think coming into our relationship once the "head over heels" love was gone & we got to the real relationship he started questioning things. He didn't realize that fights were a part of a relationship. I think He thougth everything would be picture perfect forever. Honestly he was so resentful to me that he just distanced himself from me. I tried for a little while to do what you are. I tried to be sweat and do anything he wanted. But in the end; all I was doing was Smothering him. He wanted space and time to think & (luckily we didn't live together) he broke it off. I was crushed and didn't know what to do. He never treated me or rashed out towards me; but he did get very frustrated with me beggin him to stay. One day on the phone I said "Okay so this means that we're over; that your going to date other people." he said "yes; eventually I will." So I got over it. I moved on. I cut off contact with him after we would fight on the phone about how I needed him and he didn't want me. Once I quit calling and chasing him; he started to come around. He started to talk to other guys who are in relationships. He realized that no love is going to be perfect. He realized that we will fight; but it's about how we get through it that matters. He realized the qualities he loved about me and that he didn't want his life without me. He called me and told me that he knew he really screwed up and he hoped I would give him a second chance. It took me a while; but I eventually did. We started over; we got to know one another again and enjoyed each others company. We realized how much we needed one another. We have now been together for 6 years. We were engaged right after our 5 years. I guess to make my long story short; if it's meant to be it will be. Maybe what you need to do is give him space (move out for a while) let him think about things and give him a chance to miss you or be happy without you. As much as you love somebody; you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want you in their life. I think the 2 year mark is hard. It's when your relationship REALLY gets tested. It's the point in time when you have to decide if you CAN or CAN'T live with the other person through good & bad.I hope that this is just a bump in the road for you guys like it was for me and my FI. If not; I think that you'll be much happier and healthier in a relationship where you don't have to try so hard. I hope this helps a little & best of luck to you!!
To prettyflowers point: I've had several guy friends tell me that they don't like breaking up with girls--instead they'll just act like a jerk and wait for her to break up with them. (And yes...these were guys that I had previously thought were mature and normal)
Given that he does seem to have a complex about girls not loving him, I wonder if he's trying to self-fulfill that prophecy.
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