Miserable vacation, cutting my family out of my life.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am so, so sorry. I just wanted to ask if your sister is bipolar? I have a sister who is, and she sounds identical to your sister. Draining money from my parents as fast as she can, acting like I can’t ever have time alone with my parents (when I’m in town to visit — she lives in town and is constantly at their house). I’ve basically been told that my parents can’t leave town to visit because they can’t leave my sister alone. I wanted my parents, DH, and I to go on vacation together, but we can’t because it would be “unfair” to exclude my sister.

It sucks. I’m so sorry she had to create such a strain on your family vacation.

Post # 5
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

@TexasSpringBride:  I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but I’m so proud of you for making this decision for your and your family’s health and happiness.  I see so many people labor to make one sided dysfunctional family relationships work only to be met with pain and frustration, and it’s just not good for anyone.

Take care, and take pleasure in the friends and family that make a positive impact on your life.

Post # 6
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

@TexasSpringBride:  Honestly, I think you made a great and very brave decision. It’s so hard to cut people out of your life. I had to do it with my dad. Every time I would see him (about twice a year, for Father’s Day and Christmas) he proceeds to yell at me and crush me with his words. Every time. He’d say horrible nasty things and I’d leave in tears.

So finally, I had to decide that I was not going to let negative influences in my life. I was not going to let bad people cause me pain. I am an adult, and I deserve to be treated with respect.

And YOU DO TOO. You made a very hard, but very amazing decision. You go lady!! 

Post # 7
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

@TexasSpringBride:  Oh geez. How disheartening. I feel for you. I know you have done so much to help your children, and you are doing the right thing by setting a routine (not that you need anyone else to tell you that, but just validating). It sounds like they are really missing out on a great, caring and responsible daughter, sister and friend. Maybe they will gain some perspective as they grieve your loss. Good job at keeping your boundaries and communicating your needs. You should be proud of yourself and so should your mother. It sounds like she is but might be feeling insecure for whatever reason and taking it out on you. Take good care sweetie!

Post # 8
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with others, you’ve made a good choice for yourself and your own family.  This is toxic, and no way to live your life.  Sounds to me like you’re being a great mom, to hell with those who say otherwise.  Kids, and especially those with ADD/ADHD need structure.  Some people are jsut ignorant and/or crazy, and you can’t reason with crazy.

Post # 9
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

@TexasSpringBride:  You did the right thing. Even though they’re family, they’re toxic. I’ve cut so many family members like this out of my life. If they do nothing but bring you down then I feel like it’s okay to distance yourself.

Post # 10
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@TexasSpringBride:  I’ve read some of your previous posts, and I think you’re an amazing parent. I am also a person that that’s decided to cut family out of my life, sometimes, it’s the best choice. I’m sorry this has happened, and that your vacation hasn’t been any fun. 

Post # 12
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

this is really sad, but i think what your doig is best for you and your family (if these were just friends rather than family and they were treating you like this you would cut them out so i think the same rules should apply.)

i too often recieve comments about how i left town, got a career and now think im too good etc etc, when infact its not true at all, i just think leaving your hometown (especially if its as small as mine) can just open your eyes a bit more- and it sounds like thats exactly what your family need…

my So and i arent that close to our families, but we have a very strong friehsip group and they are my family really.

its going to be tough- but it sounds like you have a supporting husband and a well balancing life, and as long as you have a good friendship group too I’m sure you’ll be fine!

Post # 13
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@TexasSpringBride:  oh my gosh! all my life, i wanted a sister and now im glad i dont! dont be embarrassed that your husband went through all this, im sure he has gained your perspective on this and has your back! i wish you well, i am sorry you had to go through this.

i also had a family disney nightmare. my kids wanted to stay at animal kingdom. my brother didnt and left with my mom to another part of disney and ditched me to be alone in a theme park with a 6yr old and a 2yr old who lost his binkie and had sunscreen in his eye! i cried and cried. a stranger actually took my 2 yr old out of my arms and rocked him to sleep for me! so sweet. years later, i still never brought up to my brother or mom how much i resent them for that day. i left animal kingdom and drove home (2hrs away) alone. 

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@TexasSpringBride:  Just because someone is related to you doesn’t give them the right to talk down to you and treat you like shit. Family or not, I wouldn’t tolerate it either and I am glad you are standing up for yourself and your family. It doesn’t sound like your family is adding anything positive to your life, and in fact, it sounds like they would be bad influences on your children.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We have cut family members out of our lives (on my FI’s side) and I know how hard it can be. However, it is also rewarding because you don’t have the stress anymore or anyone pulling you down. Family doesn’t get an all access pass to be assholes. It just doesn’t fly with us.

Post # 15
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That BLOWS. What is it about vacations that brings out the worst in family?

 

My suggestion would be to lie low for a while and wait until they reach out to you. Don’t cut them off completely.*

Vacations are like another world. We’ve done three with family since we began dating. One was a trip to Ireland with his mother and it was a nightmare. I don’t want to talk about it, but needless to say, I can’t wait to go back to Ireland WITHOUT Debbie Downer and her amazing backseat driving and complaining band.

We also went to the beach for a week with his mother and niece. While they are normally pretty sweet, his niece turned into a complete spoiled monster the entire time, throwing tantrums and fits whenever we tried to do ANYTHING and his mother was completely passive aggressively turning down every suggestion, not letting us out of the beach house on our own and demanding at every turn. It was a nightmare.

Then there was Disneyworld. This was with his entire family. Mother, father, sister, sister’s boyfriend, niece. The first day was great. The second day led to his niece, at that time 9 years old, face down on the hot pavement kicking, flailing and screaming bloody murder. His mother thwarted our plans. His sister got in the way and meddled. We ended up throwing our hands in the air and doing our own thing by day three, sharing the same space but that was it.

 

We didn’t speak to her for a few weeks and have sworn since then that we’re NEVER GOING ON VACATION together again. Ever. It’s like a different world in vacation-land.  It sucks that you can’t invite your family on family vacations, but if they aren’t monsters in regular life, don’t cut them off…just never make big plans with them ever again.

 

*This is coming from someone who HAS cut off family members from her life, so I get when you have to do it.

 

Edited to add: Obviously if that kind of behavior continues post-vacation, ignore me and do what you have to do. 

Post # 16
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@TexasSpringBride:  I feel your pain. I have always had a difficult relationship with my dad (as have all my siblings) and I’ve avoided contact with him for many years at a time over my life. Fingers crossed things are improving with him now. 

I’ve always been close to my mum, but last week she absolutely flipped out on me for the most ridiculous, irrational reason and started screaming and crying at me in front of my husband (all via Skype as we live in a different country from her). I was pretty embarrased and she was hysterical so I nicely said we should hang up and talk later as I didn’t want to argue. Next thing I have the most cruel, abusive email from her telling me I don’t care about her OR my brother who I am great friends with, have ‘outgrown’ my family and basically just a long list of criticisms, insults and failings aimed for maximum hurt and upset. I am still in shock and don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her. I have supported her so much over the years (real role reversal most of the time) and now she has thrown it back in my face like this I am very tempted to cut her out too, although I probably won’t!

I am also quite embarrased of my family dramas around my husband as he has such a ‘normal’ drama-free relationship with his (albeit they are not that close). Bloomin’ families hey?!

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