Mismatched sex drives & teasing leads to nothing…

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 4
Member
1437 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Do you mind telling us how often you and him actually have sex, versus how often you would like to? I’m just wondering how severe this is.

Also, has this been the case since before the wedding? I don’t know that I’d marry a guy until we got this straightened out!!

Post # 5
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Well, that’s not fair! He obviously knows you have a huge libido, so he deliberately gets you all wound up, and then leaves you like that? No wonder it makes you angry! That would make anyone angry.

Are you using a vibrator, or masturbating to help with your high libido?

Post # 6
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ffterwifey:  awe this is so frustrating, I’ve been through this myself. Here’s what I learned, like you I used sex for stress relief and validation ( of my worth, attractiveness) , I put a lot of my needs onto my partner.  Through therapy I discovered that I had a lot of anxiety in general and I was using sex to relax, as well as to seek validation- on the days my partner and I had sex I was “beautiful/ hot” on the days we didn’t I thought ” what’s wrong with me? Therapy made me see that I was using sex inappropriately and showed me how to meet my own needs.  Have you thought about ways you could sooth your own anxiety as well as ways you could take care of yourself sexually?

Post # 7
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ffterwifey:  DH has a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive. DH and I worked through his insecurities about it (it took MONTHS) and finally got him checked out. He has issues he can’t control and the medication to help it lowers our chance of having kids. It is a double edged sword. He struggled more after the appointment than he did before. 

What concerns me is that your partner is teasing..Is this how he copes? He probably feels inadequate and is turing it into your problem. DH kind of did this is subtle ways but it was REALLY just his insecurity getting the best of him. Power through those first few months and discuss sex as much as you can but only when both of you are in a good mood. Do not bring it up in fights…that isn’t fighting fair. Don’t OVER discuss the problem because that causes pressure and makes sex seem like a bad thing. 

Be patient and decided if this is something you could live with. No shame in saying it is too much. I personally love my husband too much and we have ZERO issues out side of our sex life. 

I learned that the less you prioritize sex the less you want it. Seriously, just think about other things. One day I just decided sex wasn’t a big deal. Our relationship imporved and so did our sex. We have it a little more than we used to but still not often. My prioritize have changed since the beginning of this process and I am now satisfied with our sex life. 

Message me whenever. 

 

Post # 8
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

The teasing seems kind of weird! Were you having sex before marriage? 

Post # 9
Member
1690 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It could be that your husband is not a a good place mentally. I read some of your past posts and it looks like you guys didn’t have the kind of wedding you desired (which may have put him in a funk). It also looks like you suffered a miscarriage (I’m so sorry). So his head probably “isn’t in the game” so to speak, since he’s emotionally still caught up on these other things. 

I would just give him some time to come around and not pressure him. 

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Haha, are we married to the same guy? He LOVES teasing me then not following through. And he has the much lower drive.

It used to hurt my feelings, and I used to think there must be something wrong with me. Eventually I did manage to accept that it’s just his sex drive! (Guy went four YEARS without sex before me. I should have expected a low drive!)

So I continue to make jokes about having sex, so he knows I’m always up for it, and I take care of my needs by myself if he’s not up to handling them.

Post # 11
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ffterwifey:  I kinda feel like DH just wrote that.  I am you DH.  For real.  My drive is way down right now, I have gained weight since the wedding and I feel horrible.  I am just unhappy with myself right now.  I am also in school again so I am not home as often as I was.  :/

Post # 12
Hostess
2787 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ffterwifey:  I have the same issue, but opposite. I have NO sex drive, and sometime I just try to have sex, because mentally I want to but it hurts, a lot, when my body doesn’t want it, and that feels like all the time. I cry at times because I feel like I am ruining our marraige, but I can’t force my body to feel a certain way….we are currently working on some solutions…I am hopeing we find one. 

 

Post # 13
Member
557 posts
Busy bee

@BrandNewBride:  ha! sounds like us…he has actually commented many times about how I am the only girl he has ever been with where he doesn’t feel like mastrubating all the time because he actually gets laid enough.

Meanwhile I am like..well, at least my mastrubation has reduced considerably…but it certainly is still there when you are too tired for me! haha

Post # 14
Member
390 posts
Helper bee

Buy some role playing dress up clothes – schoolgirl, Alice in Wonderland, slutty nurse – whatever you think he’ll like most. Wear the craziest Lucite heels you can find, and maybe even a wig. Drag him into the bedroom and dare him to refuse you.

If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what to tell ya.

Post # 15
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My FI is the one with the high sex drive, I started researching asexuality and I think I may have some mild form of it; maybe it’s the same with your husband.

Post # 16
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Rdhbee:  Really great advice!  I’m wondering, did this acknowledgement cure your feelings of rejection and frustration and at what point did you draw the line on not having your needs met?  I suppose taken to the extreme this reasoning could result in OP not having sex with her partner at all, or only having sex on his timeline, and is that fair?

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors