Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
I guess this is more of a rant or looking for others who have/had these problems too..
I have a HIGH sex drive. Yeah, some people dream of having this problem, but there’s nothing worse than when you’re the only one in the relationship wanting the other constantly. After the wedding, I expected us to f$*! like rabbits… Ha! In my dreams!
It’s left me feeling inadequate and my self esteem has dropped significantly because of it. Why doesn’t my husband want me often? What’s wrong with me that makes him not need sex? We’ve talked A LOT about it because it’s to the point that I’ll try and make a pass at him and he laughs at me! I’ve told him it hurts, I’ve told him we need to meet in the middle, I’m trying new things for him, I’ve tried to just stay away and bottle up my feelings.. Nothing’s working or helping. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We’ve been through a lot of stress in our first few months an he’s gained a lot of weight. But I’m trying to encourage him and he’s been going to the gym again.. But I guess sex de-stresses me and gets crap off my mind vs he shuts down.
To add to this, he has this new habit of teasing me. Like feeling me up, kissing/biting my neck, intense make out sesh for a few seconds then just LEAVING. Yep, that’s it! What the hell? He KNOWS my sex drive problems so it’s just making me angry and bitter. But when I talk to him about it, he gets mad at ME! What?!
Im hurt, angry, and just want to leave some nights. I hate not being wanted.
(Side note: he’s not cheating and I know this. I know all his work friends and he has no time to outside of work. Plus we’re way too honest with each other.)
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - Lake Anna Winery
Also, I have been testing to make sure I don’t have a hormonal imbalance that’s causing the ridiculous sex drive, but sadly, it’s just normal me. Nothing was elevated or raised any flags -.-
Post # 4
Do you mind telling us how often you and him actually have sex, versus how often you would like to? I’m just wondering how severe this is.
Also, has this been the case since before the wedding? I don’t know that I’d marry a guy until we got this straightened out!!
Post # 5
Well, that’s not fair! He obviously knows you have a huge libido, so he deliberately gets you all wound up, and then leaves you like that? No wonder it makes you angry! That would make anyone angry.
Are you using a vibrator, or masturbating to help with your high libido?
Post # 6
@ffterwifey: awe this is so frustrating, I’ve been through this myself. Here’s what I learned, like you I used sex for stress relief and validation ( of my worth, attractiveness) , I put a lot of my needs onto my partner. Through therapy I discovered that I had a lot of anxiety in general and I was using sex to relax, as well as to seek validation- on the days my partner and I had sex I was “beautiful/ hot” on the days we didn’t I thought ” what’s wrong with me? Therapy made me see that I was using sex inappropriately and showed me how to meet my own needs. Have you thought about ways you could sooth your own anxiety as well as ways you could take care of yourself sexually?
Post # 7
@ffterwifey: DH has a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive. DH and I worked through his insecurities about it (it took MONTHS) and finally got him checked out. He has issues he can’t control and the medication to help it lowers our chance of having kids. It is a double edged sword. He struggled more after the appointment than he did before.
What concerns me is that your partner is teasing..Is this how he copes? He probably feels inadequate and is turing it into your problem. DH kind of did this is subtle ways but it was REALLY just his insecurity getting the best of him. Power through those first few months and discuss sex as much as you can but only when both of you are in a good mood. Do not bring it up in fights…that isn’t fighting fair. Don’t OVER discuss the problem because that causes pressure and makes sex seem like a bad thing.
Be patient and decided if this is something you could live with. No shame in saying it is too much. I personally love my husband too much and we have ZERO issues out side of our sex life.
I learned that the less you prioritize sex the less you want it. Seriously, just think about other things. One day I just decided sex wasn’t a big deal. Our relationship imporved and so did our sex. We have it a little more than we used to but still not often. My prioritize have changed since the beginning of this process and I am now satisfied with our sex life.
Message me whenever.
Post # 8
The teasing seems kind of weird! Were you having sex before marriage?
Post # 9
It could be that your husband is not a a good place mentally. I read some of your past posts and it looks like you guys didn’t have the kind of wedding you desired (which may have put him in a funk). It also looks like you suffered a miscarriage (I’m so sorry). So his head probably “isn’t in the game” so to speak, since he’s emotionally still caught up on these other things.
I would just give him some time to come around and not pressure him.
Post # 10
Haha, are we married to the same guy? He LOVES teasing me then not following through. And he has the much lower drive.
It used to hurt my feelings, and I used to think there must be something wrong with me. Eventually I did manage to accept that it’s just his sex drive! (Guy went four YEARS without sex before me. I should have expected a low drive!)
So I continue to make jokes about having sex, so he knows I’m always up for it, and I take care of my needs by myself if he’s not up to handling them.
Post # 11
@ffterwifey: I kinda feel like DH just wrote that. I am you DH. For real. My drive is way down right now, I have gained weight since the wedding and I feel horrible. I am just unhappy with myself right now. I am also in school again so I am not home as often as I was. :/
Post # 12
@ffterwifey: I have the same issue, but opposite. I have NO sex drive, and sometime I just try to have sex, because mentally I want to but it hurts, a lot, when my body doesn’t want it, and that feels like all the time. I cry at times because I feel like I am ruining our marraige, but I can’t force my body to feel a certain way….we are currently working on some solutions…I am hopeing we find one.
Post # 13
@BrandNewBride: ha! sounds like us…he has actually commented many times about how I am the only girl he has ever been with where he doesn’t feel like mastrubating all the time because he actually gets laid enough.
Meanwhile I am like..well, at least my mastrubation has reduced considerably…but it certainly is still there when you are too tired for me! haha
Post # 14
Buy some role playing dress up clothes – schoolgirl, Alice in Wonderland, slutty nurse – whatever you think he’ll like most. Wear the craziest Lucite heels you can find, and maybe even a wig. Drag him into the bedroom and dare him to refuse you.
If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what to tell ya.
Post # 15
My FI is the one with the high sex drive, I started researching asexuality and I think I may have some mild form of it; maybe it’s the same with your husband.
Post # 16
@Rdhbee: Really great advice! I’m wondering, did this acknowledgement cure your feelings of rejection and frustration and at what point did you draw the line on not having your needs met? I suppose taken to the extreme this reasoning could result in OP not having sex with her partner at all, or only having sex on his timeline, and is that fair?