Post # 1
I’m pretty sure there’s no way to get around this situation but I’m just really bummed right now so I needed to vent. I’m in a wedding this summer and agreed to be a BM reluctantly because I’m not really even friends with the bride. To be honest, I don’t even really like her because she’s rude and inconsiderate and very self involved and I was shocked when she even asked me. But I agreed because it would’ve made things really uncomfortable for my fiance (who is close to the groom) if I declined. I’ve been helpful and supportive of her but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if we never hung out again after the wedding. She told me after I agreed that she was asking me because her friend backed out and she needed even numbers, not because she wanted me personally to be there.
Well this past weekend I’m hanging out with my cousin while the family is together for Mother’s Day and she tells me that something got messed up with the venue for their upcoming wedding and they had to change the date… to the same day as the wedding I’m in! I’m soo upset because I’m really close with my cousin and I was looking forward to her wedding for such a long time and now I’m just really bummed that I have to miss it to be in a wedding for someone who I don’t even really like!
I feel like this is a cruel joke. Of all the days, it had to be the same one and now I won’t get to see my cousin get married 🙁 I haven’t said anything to my cousin yet because I was kind of in shock at first and then just had no idea how to tell her that I wouldn’t get to be there… thinking back I probably should’ve said something. Any advice as to how to go about that? Thanks for listening bees!
Post # 3
I’m soooo sorry to hear! That’s such a bummer!!
Post # 4
I wouldn’t be missing an important wedding to bein someone’s wedding that I don’t even like. Come to think of it; I wouldn’t have agreed to be in a wedding if I didn’t like the bride & knew I was only being asked for numbers. I guess your kind of stuck. But if you don’t mind starting a fight; I wouldn’t probably drop out of the wedding. You don’t like her anyway. Remember.
Post # 5
Honestly, I would love to drop out but I’m sure the bride would lose it and it would hurt my fiances friendship with the groom. She didn’t tell me when she asked me that she was only asking for numbers…she told me that after I had said yes. She said “ok good so now I have even numbers again, my friend backed out so I needed another person to have both sides being even” and I just stared at her kinda shocked she would even admit that. Plus she really put me on the spot by getting everyone’s attention at a night out and saying “I wan’t everyone’s attention. FI and I discussed it and decided we want (my name) to be in our wedding party! So will you?” It’s really hard to say no when everyone’s staring at you lol. I do feel stuck 🙁
I’m torn between supporting my cousin and keeping the peace for my fiance’s sake 🙁 no idea what to do!
Post # 6
Any chance that you could ask her to find someone else? Explain the situation and let her know that your first priority is to her and you understand if she can’t, but you also understand that you’re not her first choice and you don’t want her to regret her choice later?
Or, barring that, could her FI intercede on your behalf?
Post # 7
I would talk to your FI and see how he would feel if you weren’t in the wedding. I think this is a legitimate reason to back out of a wedding. She changed the date and while you feel awful you just aren’t available on that date. As I bride she should understand that she changed her date to a day in which you have a wedding of a close family member. As long as FI is okay with the way his relationship will be affected or if it even would I would drop out of the wedding.
Post # 8
you wont ruin the friendship for yoru fiance. have him explain to his friend. i’m sure she can find someone else. family comes first.
Post # 9
I would definitely go to your cousin’s wedding. I think it would be acceptable for you to go to your cousins wedding and for your fiance to go to his friend’s wedding.
Post # 10
Yeah, I think you should drop out. It is really hard sometimes to stand up for yourself and do what’s right for you, but I think you should. Sometimes it is worth it to do what you want–you don’t even like this girl and your cousin is really important to. If the girl doesn’t understand, that’s her problem. People are often too concerned about others getting mad–you have a right to do what you want and I think you should.
Post # 11
While I don’t always advocate family before friends (it all depends), seeing as how you were only a back-up, this is a family member that you are close with, and you’d rather be at this wedding… Sorry but your FI will get over it; the bride won’t be your friend anyway… Explain the situation and tell her you need to back out. If you paid for your dress, you are okay, if not then offer to pay the costs and get outta there. Real simple for me!
Post # 12
Well I seem to have the minority opinion here, but I think you have to miss your cousin’s wedding (unfortunately). Even if you don’t really like this other girl, you committed to being her bridesmaid. You should not back out of that commitment.
Turn the tables, what if one of your nridesmaids backed out on you and you were left scrambling to find someone else. Not only would that stress you out (I’m sure) but I’d think your feelings would also be really hurt. And you backingout would be the second time that has happened to this bride.
As much as you’d like to go to your cousin’s wedding, she changed her date to a date were you already have a commitment. You need to honor your first commitment.
Post # 13
Thanks for the advice everyone! I have paid for the dress so that’s not a problem for her. Frustrating for me cuz it cost a fortune but oh well. I just feel really bad about backing out a few months before the wedding. Even if I don’t like her, I know she’s replaced a few other BM’s so I think she’s run out of replacements so I would still feel bad ditching her.
I do really want to go to my cousin’s wedding though. I had never even considered backing out at first because I feel awful about doing that to someone else but I’m starting to think that it might be the best route. My fiance doesn’t care either way, but I just know that the bride can be very controlling and I feel like she would hold a grudge and take it out on my fiance for my decision.
I just wish I never said yes in the first place, too bad time machines haven’t been invented yet 😛 lol
EDIT: @ FutureKMM I just saw your post. I definitely agree with the majority of what you said. I would feel terrible if one of my BM’s backed out, however, I would also never ask someone just so I could have a specific number. So If my BM’s backed out I’d be upset because they are my friends. Where in this situation, the bride and I are not friends. We’ve never hung out outside of group events and I think I’ve only seen her once since she asked me to be her BM. I know it would be inconvenient and stressful for her, which is why I would feel awful and why I’ll probably stay in her wedding, but as for losing me personally, I don’t think she would care as much as she would care about not having even numbers.
Post # 14
I would talk to your FI to see if HE is ok with you backing out. HIS opinion is the only one that matters. If he is ok with it, then apologize to the bride and let her know that you have to attend your cousin’s wedding.
Post # 15
In five years, which wedding would you be happier having attended? Your cousins, or an acquaintance?
Post # 16
The solution to your problem is simple: replace yourself. Since the bride actually told you she only cared about having even numbers, not who was actually a BM and has already switched some out (or dealt with dropouts is more likely) clearly it doesn’t matter if you are actually there or not.
Find some distant friend or family member, offer to pay them if you have to and hand over the dress. Then go to your cousins wedding guilt-free!!