Post # 1
Bees, I need some advice. I’ll try to provide a quick backstory and explain my situation as simply as possible. My dad has always had a drinking problem and has never really handled himself properly. When I was 8 my father cheated on my mother, decided he wasn’t happy here, and left our family. He came back for a few months then left again with no warning. He was pretty steady in my life until my brother graduated high school (I was about 13/14 at that time) The entire time I was in high school he would call me on occassion but only when he thought I wouldn’t answer (4am on a school night, noon when I should be at school etc) so that he could say he was making the effort without really having to talk to me. After I graduated and lived on my own I’d see him many once or twice a year and talk to him maybe every other month or so. Every time I saw him we’d go to dinner and he’d drink instead of eat and then cause a scene to a point where we’ve had to call the police a few times. I haven’t seen him in over 3 years because of this. In November I sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday and he was basically very rude to me and caused huge argument that left me in tears for 2 days and us not speaking again. In February he found out that I am engaged and left nasty messages on my facebook wall saying things like “oh so guess there’s no invite for dad thats right don’t forget i’m your dad even though you don’t give a damn anymore even though I’m suffering health problems” I sent him a message in private on messenger and asked him to please respect me enough to send me messages in private if he has something to say to me, asked him about his health (he never answered about his health and hasn’t told my brother anything either) and he told me the truth hurts and he’d let me know when he was dead and we haven’t spoken since. With all this being said I chose not to invite him to the wedding but the closer it gets (5 weeks) the more I’m saddened by this decision. I really miss having a father in my life and am upset by the fact that he won’t be there for a very important day in my life. My Fiance says to just let it go and not resume contact because it will just end up in more hurt for me. A couple years ago I tried sending him a long email talking to him about what bothered me and how we could work on fixing things between us and he never responded. He acknowledged he received it but told my brother and my mom that he doesn’t know how to handle me because I’m a girl. So now I’m completely at a loss. On one side he’s had his chances and made his choices but on the other hand I can’t help but think of missing him when I get married, have kids, etc. What would you do?
Post # 3
To be honest, I would probably think about talking to a counsellor. Not having a father in your life when you have tried to include him and make an effort would be heartbreaking. It’s easy for other people to tell you he’s toxic and you’re better off without him, but that doesn’t make it any easier for you to deal with. My DH’s dad isn’t in his life much either. We invited him to the wedding but he didn’t come. I doubt he remembered it was on (DH saw him last weekend for the first time since, and he didn’t mention it at all). My Darling Husband has dealt with this in his own way but if he was struggling like you I would be suggesting a counsellor too. Having an objective person to talk to can be really helpful. All the best!
Post # 4
I guess I should look into a counselor but honestly I feel like a lot of this is triggered because of the upcoming wedding. Most days it doesn’t bother me but with this major life changing event coming its hard to not think about how he won’t be there.
Post # 5
First, I would pray about this. What does your heart tell you?
Second, what would I do in this situation? I would not invite him.
I want to write more, to say something that will really help you, but this is such a delicate situation and I really do not know what else to say. You deserve a wonderful wedding day, and I really hope that on that day you are surrounded by all your friends and family that love you and your fiance. All the best!
Post # 6
This isn’t the only life event you are going to have to deal with though, that’s why I think seeing a counsellor would be a good idea. After the wedding could come moving house, having babies, getting new jobs, kids growing up…if your father keeps behaving this way then you will keep having the same reaction and every milestone will have this sadness to it. I think that would be really awful which is why I think dealing with it properly now is the best. I know it feels like so close to the wedding you don’t have time or energy but I think it would be worth it.
Post # 7
I’m sure your Fiance is right that if you try to contact your father again you’ll only get hurt. What do you really think would happen if you invited him?
I’m very sorry your father hasn’t been there for you in recent years. My FI’s family can’t be counted on to be there for him either; we’ll be lucky if both his parents show up, and we’re not counting on his brother either (who is supposed to be a groomsman). Fiance is very sad about it and wishes he could fix it and just be a happy family with them, but they chose to be the way they are.
A wedding brings our imperfect family relationships into painful focus, even though we try so hard to ignore strained relationships and hurt feelings in daily life. We need to respect ourselves by staying out of unhealthy situations, and stay strong in our convictions.
I wish the best of luck to you. Surround yourself with those who love you and will support you.
Post # 8
Yeah a couselor or therapist would be a wise investment. I don’t think I can say what you should do as I have a very similar situation…luckily I don’t have to make any hard decisions for a while. Best of luck!